Wife says she doesnt love me anymore

[confusedashell]

Hello all

its my first post and mainly ebcause I really dont know what to do about this. Im married to this woman for the last five years and we have a four year old son together too. From the very beginning we had a VERY passionate (emotional aswell as otherwise) relationship. we were VERY close, got on great..everything was perfect. I really realised when I met her that I hadnt truly been in love with anyone else before. And from what she said and how she acted I think I can say the same for her. The problem is that we are from different countries so I eventualy moved to her country so she cold finish her studies and so on. We talked about it and we both knew that it was going to be tough with me having to learn a new language and start from the ground up. And of course when I came here I ended up having part time jobs, two at a time and basically working my a** off on it. She didnt bring in too much money to the household, just a study loan, but I didnt mind that so much, she took care of all the household stuff because I was either working or sleeping and she did eventually start to work two or three nights a week too. but after sometime I started to get very tired and irritatable. I started to worry about the future too, that things didnt seem to move forward (not in the relationship but otherwise). I guess Im naturally someone who worries but i think most people would be a little nervous. Anyway, this of course led to arguments, about stupid litle things and I said things when I was angry that I didnt mean.

but fast forwarding to the last month we almost broke up. she told me she loved me but couldnt deal with teh way I was. I told her that I didnt even liek the way i was and I was just so fustrated with the situation and taking it out on her and that I was sorry. all was fine. then two nights ago she just says: "i dont have those kinds of feelings for you anymore". I was truly shocked! I mean up until the day before she was telling me and acting like she was in love with me and then she just said it like that! I got more worried about it because we were NOT arguing, and she said it in such a calm manner. we spoke about it all for the night and she said it a few more times. But what kills me is that she says shes still attracted to me, she loves to spend time with me, likes when I hug her and kiss her, she hates that I call her by her name (we have "petnames" as most couples)..and een wants me to lie with her when we watch TV. Eeven after I told her that this shouldnt happen. I dont know what to do. things ahvent been great for us the last year or two..we're both in our mid 20s and exhausted by life from work and worry..I suggested to her that all that whole situation is just clouding her mind and judgement ebcause I had before thought I had no feelings left for her too, but I did. but she says that that is probably not it, that she just doesnt love me in THAT way. and tonight, one night after all this, she went out with her friends...I cant understand that..we're ending our marriage and she goes out to drink. she consistantly says that she needs to live alone...i dont think it has anything to do with wanting other people, she is an honest person and she would have said it to me but i dunno

I just dont know what to do..I really dont. I dont feel like "talking her into" staying with me, ebcause if she truly doesnt have those kinds of feelings left for me, then we shouldnt be together. But I love her so much, I love our family, I really cant imagine my day without her. her smell, touch..just seeing her and talking to her.

 

sometimes I dont even think she knows me. she says the strangest things like thinking if I take our son home to visit my parents that I wont let her have him back. She says I dont love her or even like her. that I dont listen to her or even want to speak with her. ok things havent been paradise for the last two years but I love her more than anything and I would never ever everdo anything to harm my son or his relationship with his mother, no matter what happened.

 

some advice would be great..I really dont know if i should just let it all go and try to move on or try to fix things in some way. If she really doesnt love me anymore or if its just the fact that things have been so much that we havent had anytime to ourselves, havent done anything as a couple and things have just gotten boring

[DN]

Have you thought about marriage counselling? If not, maybe you should.

[jasminebose]

I think you guys need some time to talk and life free from stress for a little while. I don't think she doesn't love you anymore just that life has given you a lot of upheaval and its taken its toll on your marriage. Is there any way someone could look after your son for a couple of days so you guys could have time to yourselfs? Even to go away for a couple of days would be good. you need to reassure her that you love her and that all marriages go through rough times and stress makes even people in love act crazy. I went through something similar when I first got married, moved country and working stressful job and trying to adjust to being married (also to someone from a diff country/culture). I thought it was too hard too and we argued a lot and I felt the way your wife feels. You both need to hang in there and talk. Do whatever you can to get time together and make her realise you do not want to lose her. Tell her what you wrote here. The feeling of being in love comes and goes and with effort (both you and her) will come back to her. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, hard situations will make you stronger as a couple if you work through it together.

JZ

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the words. it really felt like you knew the situation first hand so it was great to hear from you.

 

well, we did speak about it all now..through it all there was a lot of hugs, holding, kissing and sex a few times...she said a few hurtful things at one point where i really thought that was that and I dont know if I even want this to work out, but the more we talked we realised that we BOTH want the same things out fo this relationship and that all the time we were neglecting our relatinship, we put priority on our son and on work whuich is wrong. Of cousre our son is our lives but we need to make ourselves happy in order from him to be happy. He really notices when things arent going good and really tries to make us feel good so it really breaks my heart when he has to do that. We just talked about everything, very openly and honestly. and we're going to give this a try again, a real try and making sure that we take some time out for ourselves every now and again, away from the home, family and all that..just a time where we can be together, laugh, talk and NOT talking about family hah..probably easier said that done but thats what we're going to do. We just never had much good communication for the last two or so years, both of us exhausted from working, stressed from work and worry and trying to look after an almost hyperactive child who doesnt sit still for a split second frm when he wakes up to when he falls asleep.

I guess we are just trying to prioritize things, we need to take care of us and take the time out for ourselves and that seems to be the main problem. When I asked her again about the comment that she had no feelings left for me she told me that because things had ben so bad for so long that she thinks shes just taken 1000 steps backwards. But considering the way she talks to me, touches me, kisses me, looks at me..there IS love there. I really think you were right about what you said above. in fact, so did she

 

Who knows, this could all be doomed to failure in the end but we aint going down without a fight!

 

Thanks for the words and help!

[jasminebose]

You are so welcome. I remember feeling exactly like your wife does now- tired and so stressed that I thought my marriage was the problem but it wasn't, the stress was! It sounds like you 2 are going to do fine if you just keep talking and making time for each other (and your son). You are right having happy parents (in love!) is the best thing you could do for your son, so that needs to be the priority.

 

It is easy to think the love is gone when you are dealing with work, family, a child, stress, etc and have no time or energy to nurture it. If you start making the relationship a priority the loving feelings will come back but it takes effort. I really hope you can work it out, good luck. Better go make my husband a priority now after preaching about how important it is!!

JZ

[kekep]

I ordered an e-book on how to save your marriage when you're the only person who wants to do it. The advice it gave me is invaluable, and even though it wasn't a marriage that was ending (just a breakup, but after 3 years of dating), I am now back together w/my ex, and I used these techniques. So you're free to take the following advice or not, but I will tell you that it's worked for me:

 

1) Let your wife believe that you are PERFECTLY content with how things are going

2) Go on with your life, doing the things you want and meeting new people; work on improving yourself and becoming happy with YOURSELF

3) When you do eventually talk to them, keep it casual and light; do NOT force any serious discussions

4) Let them know that you respect their decision and that you agree with them 100% ("yes honey, things are getting too serious and i think a divorce is a good idea). It will completely take them off-guard; as long as you are agreeing with them, they are always right, which makes YOU less wrong. Think of it this way: they can't fight you or disagree with you if you are not fighting back.

5) Express your pent-up feelings in some other form, like writing it down or talking to a counselor (I would discourage inviting family or friends into the situation as they will always say "You'll get over it, just move on.")

6) Finally, realize that you are 100% OK by yourself. Be happy, with or without them. That is the only way they will want to come back to you. If and when you guys do decide to get back together, establish what went wrong and how you can prevent that from happening. Be a more open person, kinder to a fault, but not accepting of disrespect by any means. And remember also, THEY need to bring something to the table as well; otherwise, it WON'T work. It takes two to tango!

 

I hope this helped some. I broke up w/my ex a year ago and he asked me to be his girlfriend about 4 days ago. Take it from me, this advice works. It might seem manipulative at times, but the point is for you to recognize that things will be okay if your ex doesn't come back to you. It's only a preference, remember that!!! Let me know how everything goes--good luck and be strong!!

[confusedashell]

wrong place