Surprise Party for my Ex

[misery12]

Okay, so I am throwing my ex a surprise party, because after our break up, it wasn't bitter the least.. we are very close and there's a good chance we will get back together. (See my past posts for more details about our relationship).

 

Anyways, her birthday is at the end of July, and last weekend on the drive down to our cottage, she was telling me that she isn't having a party, and that I should have one for her (as a joke). I was already planning on having one for her, so I just laughed it off.

 

I've told a few of her closest friends about it so far, because I don't want too many people knowing too soon.

 

I need advice on how to set this up so it's the perfect surprise.. she is close with my mom, so I think i'm gonna say "mom invited you over for a birthday supper tonight". I will call her mom up when I know my ex won't be home, and explain to her mom about the whole thing, so she's "in" on it.

 

I want a lot of people to come, but i'm afraid the word will get out, and will ruin it. Any ideas on how to make it the perfect surprise??

Also, what's a nice gift I can get her?? I was thinking a box full of things that I know she loves? Any suggestions?

 

Thanks.

[lifeiscash]

Seems to me your are being "overly" nice, for an x g/f.. you sure she would do the same for you..?

[lady00]

Send out emails to whoever you want to invite and make it clear that it's a surprise in the subject line so that people don't go talking about it. I have done this for friends in the past and it has worked out well. The box of things you know she loves sounds like a great gift. The best gift would be something personalized so she will know that you were thinking about what she really likes and did not just go out and get something that a girl her age might like. So, I think your gift suggestion is a good one. Good luck

[misery12]

She'd do something, I know that.

also, read my other posts if you need more info..

 

Plus, I just want to do something for her, she's such a deserving girl, and I know it would make her day, and i'd also like to see the look on her face.

[hockeyboy]

Seems to me your are being "overly" nice, for an x g/f.. you sure she would do the same for you..?

 

i agree....it seems women want you to be nice but not to nice

[misery12]

Thanks lady!

Good idea, I didn't think of that.

 

I just want to make sure she's competlely oblivious until she hears "SURPRISE".

I've never arranged a surprise party before, so hopefully number 1 works out.

 

any more suggestions?

[Mun]

One suggestion. Make the party because you really want to, but expect nothing from her. Even if right now it seems you will get back together. If she senses this as a manipulation of her feelings in some way--it could backfire.

 

Also, why haven't you simply got back already? What's the hold up?

[misery12]

Believe me, I want to get back, but the last time I checked it takes two for a relationship to work

so.. I am just playing it cool, there is no rush.. I am sure if I play my cards right, then in time, things will work out, there's no deadline.

[lady00]

Also, why haven't you simply got back already? What's the hold up?

 

I've been wondering about this myself. You have posted several times about this situation and you have said that you were going to talk to her about it but never got the chance. I think that you should realize that the chance won't just come to you...you have to make the decision to take the chance and ask her. It's been a while since you've been thinking about it and I am just curious as to why you're waiting. I realize everything has a time and place but you also can't wait forever...there needs to be a balance.

[misery12]

lady, thanks.

I understand where you're coming from.. but the thing is, she dumped me.. so the thing im more stuck on is "should I talk, or shouldn't I".

This is because she was the dumper, so if she wants me back, shouldn't she be the one initiating it? Because if I am the one to initiate getting back together, won't that make me come off as desperate/needy.. whatever else.

 

I could have easily talked to her by now, but it wouldn't have been in person. Since it's the summer, I see her a couple times a week, and on those occasions, it just never seems right.

 

I am SO confused.. I am not sure if I should wait until after her surprise party, to see if she does anything, or should I just go for it?

The thing is, I can talk to her, but it will be over MSN, and that's no way to start off a new relationship, so I don't know.

[Hope75]

Well, rather than wondering what she wants. what do you want? It's been a long while since you've been broken up, how long are you prepared to put your life on hold for her?

 

She hasn't made any moves to get back together with you, just hanging out and getting all the benefits of your attention without any commitment on her part. Is this fair? Are you afraid that if you ask her back out, the answer will be no?

 

If that's the case, than don't you think it's time you moved on, because you obviously want more than a friendship with her?

[misery12]

Hope, you're sort of right..

I am in the position where I don't know if I should talk to her, and let her know how I feel, or if I should wait until she comes to me, since she was the dumper.

 

I agree, we have spent a lot of time together, but she has shown some signs of interest. Some that I can't explain, and others, such as slapping my butt many times, getting close, telling a friend she likes me again.

(few weeks ago)

 

But I am at the point, where everyday I wake up wondering what I should do, should I talk to her, should I wait for her to talk to me.. it's insane!

 

I hesitate to ask on MSN because everyone here is telling me that I should do it in person, but if I do it in person, I will have to wait a lot longer to do so, and to do it comfortably than to do it on the computer.

We're very close, and im not scared to talk in person, but it's just easier over the computer, and it's more available.

 

I actually might talk to her tonight, and tell her that I really enjoy spending time with her, and that I see us getting back together, and that if she would give us another shot, im willing to take as much time as she needs.

 

I think this is a fair compromise.

HOw's this sound?

[Mun]

Try asking her something like " have you ever had second thoughts about our break up?" and see what she says to that. It's a safer way to say " I want to get back if possible" . Sorry but I hate outright rejection and prefer to work around a question to get the answer I want. Once she gives you an answer you will know what to say from there on.

 

Good luck!

[Hope75]

I think it's fair to go ahead and ask her. If you get a flat out rejection, at least you have your answer, and she will stop playing with your heart and mind if she has no intention of getting back with you.

 

You've been struggling with this for quite some time, and it really isn't fair to you to continue to drag it out. Don't you want to know? My guess is if you wake up every day wondering, you do.

 

Go ahead and ask her... and get your answer. Than you can either work together to make this work, or you can walk away, and have a direction to go in.

 

Good luck, and tell us what happens.

[misery12]

I've been talking to many people about this, and i've run accross a guy that's helped me a lot. All of you have too, but this guy brought some light to my head.

 

He said .. "back off a bit, cool down... and see if she comes to you, if she does.. then she's yours.. if she doesn't initiate contact, then you lose nothing."

 

I've realized that I do think about this everyday, but not to the extent that I NEED to talk to her. I only talk to her because I like her, and i'm only human. I am going to play it cool I think, show her I am independent, and I do not need her for a good time. Once she realizes that, I think she will start initiating contact with me, and once she does.. Then I'll make my move.

 

I've thought this out long and hard.. and think of it this way..

 

If I asked her what she thought of "us" right now, she may not be totally sure of what she wants quite yet. That's why.. I will back off a bit, take it easy, don't treat her like a queen, but when we do talk, make sure im totally focused on her, so she knows I care for her.

 

In time, things will work out as they are meant to, and it will be easier for me to take whatever answer she gives me. I will keep you all informed on my progress with her. Thanks.

[Hope75]

You are going to do what you want to do, regardless of what advice you get here or anywhere.

 

Just be cautious, you've compromised so much of yourself already waiting around for this girl who, although she comes close, never actually indicates to you that she wants to get back together. I wonder how many more days you are willing to give away waiting for her, and what happens to you if she never comes back.

 

Good luck.

[lady00]

I don't know you and I don't know her so it's hard for me to understand how either of you feel or what is the best for you at this moment so just do what you think is best for you. I think that every situation like yours entails the risk of getting hurt. Waiting longer probably won't decrease that risk. You need to be okay with the fact that she might never bring it up (either cause she is afraid of rejection or because she doesn't share your feelings, or for a bunch of other possible reasons) even if you back off if you're going to use that strategy.

[misery12]

No, what I mean is.. I will back off, take it easy, and be cool, and let her start talking to me more, and initiating converstaions.. so I know she still likes talking to me.. and in time

 

I will be the one to talk to her.

[annie24]

Man! Don't throw your ex a surprise party! She broke up with you!!!!!! Yes, she still likes talking with you, but if she wanted you doing nice stuff for her, she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

Talk to her, like muneca said, say something like, "Have you had 2nd thoughts...." that's a good way to go.

 

But, honestly, I hate to sound rude or whatever, but throwing a party for your ex who broke up with you just makes someone look like a chump... Throwing her a party won't get her back.....

[misery12]

Very true, and I forgot I posted this, because there's been a change of heart since this.

I've decided that I am not going to waste my time and talk to her anymore, unless she wants to talk to me. I haven't said a word to initiate a conversation with her since Monday, and since then, she's talked to me 5-6 times.

 

I am done serving my attention to her on a silver platter, and if she actually wants me, she has to fight for my attention now. The clouds finally lifted, and I see things so much more clear now. We are NOT together, and I see us as .. starting new. If she likes me, she'll talk to me.

 

I guess what confused me was all the time she spent with me, which only made me think she liked me, but if she doesn't make a move, then she'll miss the boat.

 

Here's a little update: A mutual female friend of ours is having a party sunday night, down the road at her house, and theres gonna be drinking, but responsibly and her parents will be upstairs.

When my ex, and 4 of her friends were at one of their houses, my ex said " I don't think (me) should go to the party, because if I make out with some random guy, he might get mad".

 

Why is she considering if i'll be mad or not? we're not together.

 

I am planning on going to the party with 2 of my buddies, and walking in with a smile on my face, and chat it up with whoever I want, girls.. guys.. and if my ex starts chatting me up, i;ll talk to her for a bit.

 

because it seems my ex is just plotting on playing games with me, so if I feel she is gonna move in on some guy, i'll just get my friends, and we'll make up a fun excuse to leave. She'll realize I have better things to do, and making out with this guy shouldn't concern her anymore.. if it does..

screw her, he can have her.

 

As for the party goes.. her birthday is in a week, so I am going to see how the party goes, and decide from there. If she acts like a ****, then i'll just blow it off.. her actions don't phase me any longer.

[misery12]

One thing I do need help with though.

Is, should I maybe initiate a conversation with her once in a while, maybe every 3 times she does, I do once. Just so I give a little, get a little.

 

This way, im not being clingy, but im showing her some interest.

[annie24]

Here's a little update: A mutual female friend of ours is having a party sunday night, down the road at her house, and theres gonna be drinking, but responsibly and her parents will be upstairs.

When my ex, and 4 of her friends were at one of their houses, my ex said " I don't think (me) should go to the party, because if I make out with some random guy, he might get mad".

 

ok, so she's talking about making out with other guys, and you're still kinda sorta considering throwing her a party? NO! Don't be a doormat.

 

either talk to her about your feelings or don't. But you gotta make a choice either way and move on.

[misery12]

That's why I said, I am going to see how the party goes on Sunday night. If she acts like a ****, then surprise.. she loses her own birthday party, but if she does treat me with the respect I deserve, and is fun to be around, I will consider it. But she's going to be drunk, and sometimes she does stupid things, I like it better when she's sober.

 

The thing is, she doesn't know that I know she said that stuff, such as making out.. my friend told me. (Who was there).

 

But I've started to change my away messages now to "gone out" or "going out" .. "fun night" stuff like that, so she is always wondering where I am going.. the thing is, it seems as if she's starting to do the same thing, a little bit, because she always reads my away message, and when I read hers it was "going out.." and now her MSN message is "gone to kris' for a little bit"

 

kris lives down the road from her, and my ex has a friend over who likes kris, so that's why they're there.

[Mun]

Ah so you were just throwing the party to try and win some points with her--not because you expected nothing but to make her happy. Or else you wouldn't say it depends how she acts with other guys .

 

You see, you have to put yourself first here. She is going to play with you as long as you are there showing her you care. Why are you still worrying about showing her some interest---is she even showing any interest back?

So you didn't ask her if she had any second thoughts about the break up huh? The answer to that could be what you need to finally let this go, or make a definate decision.

[misery12]

no... I wanted to have the party because I felt she was a deserving girl, until I found out that she disrespected me behind my back, now I don't feel like she deserves any nice gestures from me.

 

I didn't ask her how she felt.. because before I did,

my friend, lets call her becca.

Becca, and my ex went to the city shopping, and they got onto the topic of my mom, who my ex really likes, and then becca said "have you noticed how much (me) has changed, he seems so much more relaxed now, maybe we should all hang out some time.. "

 

my ex replied saying "No, Thanks" and kept on eating.

 

THIS is why I didn't ask her, because if she says this.. if I asked her, I know she would say no then, and feel as if I was clingy (she's mentioned to her friends before that she felt I was clingy, this is awhile ago though).. I've now changed, and I gave her space.

 

The thing is, IF she doesn't want to hang out with me, why does she keep talking to me!! and reading my away message so many times a day!!

hanging oout with me at my cottage for 3 days, and showing signs of flirting.

 

THIS is why I didn't ask her, because it would show my weakness, and I would rather make it seem like I didn't care, because if I don't do anything, then I have nothing to lose.

 

If she wants me, she can come to me.. but im not taking her back until I know that she won't say anything behind my back, and if she does, I will drop her like that. I am tired of showing her all my respect and getting nothing in return.

 

I'm a sympathetic guy, and that's why I feel if we're on good terms, give her a birthday party. ( I am not doing all the work, I will get all of her friends over, and they will plan it, i'll just host it.)

 

She's soo confusing, and that's why I decided to just back off, and leave her alone, yet she continues to talk to me. Is it okay to talk to her once in awhile so she doesn't feel like she's talking to a wall??

 

What if she is slowly changing, and realizing that im not taking it, because I am not talking to her, so she talks to me.. yet I continue not to talk to her, she'll just give up.