Why do we love people who don't feel the same?

[SnowFlurry]

Why do we love people who don't feel the same about us? I'm the one who broke up with him, because I knew that I deserved someone who cared about me as strongly as I cared about them. Then how come I'm crying so much over this? I want more than anything for him to call me and say, "I was wrong, I do love you, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and didn't show I cared. I can't stand to lose you and want to do everything I can to make it better". How come life can't work like that? How come the ones we love can't love us the same back? This is so hard... I've never cried this much over someone before. I shared my self with him in so many ways, showed him all sides of me, good and bad. He was such a huge part of my life. I should have seen from the beginning that it wouldn't work. At the beginning of our relationship when he'd leave me disappointed. But I was too caught up in all the wonderful things about his personality that I swept those other things under the rug, and thought that as we got closer, he'd start to show me that he cared about me more. But that didn't happen. I loved him. And it's not fair that he didn't feel the same way.

[btbt]

SnowFlurry, I'm so sorry to hear this; it's terrible when someone we love does not love us back the same why.

 

But love is a two way street -- it's about both parties sharing not only passion but the day to day experiences (and compromises) of life. So maybe you should reconsider whether you really loved him. Yes, the feeling is there, but there were things, as you say, that he didn't satisfy for you. Now, that can't be love.

 

And why do we keep loving? Sometimes we stay attached to what we imagine the relationship could have been like or what we wished the person would be. We love that image or fantasy more than we love the actual person. I've been in your place many times, and thinking about how love requires reciprocation, hard work and compromise has helped me let go, esp. if the partner was not meeting those needs. In the meantime, let the emotions wash over you, and give yourself credit for being so open and caring. There will another person who can give those same things back to you.

[smallworld]

Snowflurry, I agree with Btbt. Focus on taking care of YOU right now. As for your question "Why do we love people who don't feel the same way about us?" It's because WE choose to. We choose to let our feelings grow for someone we know probably doesn't feel the same way, because we want to believe that if we try hard enough, love them better than anyone else could, then maybe just maybe a miracle will happen and they'll realize that we're the person of their dreams. We ignore all the signs (the broken promises, the indifference, the lack of reciprocity, being taken for granted) because we don't want to believe that someone we care so deeply about doesn't feel the same way about us.

 

The problem is that love can't be merited or earned. It just IS or isn't. So rather than ask painfully poignant questions, its more productive to focus on how you want to love and be loved next time. What would you do differently if you could travel back in time and experienced those same feelings the first time? Would you give him everything you had without question? Or would you hold back a little and see if he liked you enough to reciprocate each and every one of your feelings and loving actions?

 

Moral: We teach others how to treat/love us. Next time, don't accept anything less than you deserve, ok?

[SnowFlurry]

Btbt, and you too SmallWorld, really helped me feel better about things. I hadn't looked at it in the way that you too did, and it really and honestly made me feel so much better. I don't know if I would have realized that on my own. Thanks SO MUCH

[smallworld]

You're welcome Snow! It'll get better I promise. In the meantime spoil yourself rotten.

 

Two books that've helped me (and that are probably in your local library):

How to Mend A Broken Heart by Aleta Koman

In the Meantime : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant.

[fAiRiEdUsT]

My BF has not been reciprocating my love for him, He has been under stress lately as he has to leave the province for work, He has become distant and silent. I thought it was something I was doing. I was online,searching through self improvement sites, convinced it was me. We have seven kids in total, 3 each from a previous marriage and a 1yr old daughter together.It's been hard the last few weeeks, I have done everything I could, gave all I had to give, I have nothing left to give, I did not want him to go, I made that clear, but stated that I would support him, in whatever decision he made.

Anyway, He left tonight, took his three boys and is staying with a friend. I am hurt, devestated actually. But I could not go on like that. He said he left, because he knew he was hurting me. I know I deserve to be treated so much better.. But I love him so much

[lolapop411]

Smallworld and bbt, as you have helped snowflurry you have helped me tonight. The same questions snowflurry stated on the posting, I asked my self. I feel at ease that the questions I asked my self are shared by others with a broken heart. That the feelings my heart is experience is a process I must go through. The real key at this time is to learn and gain a broader prespective of ourselves and needs. Time does heal. One needs to remind themselves that. When our being is ready loving someone, sharing dreams and making them a reality will come.

 

The wise words from Smallworld and bbt has helped to comfort some of my heart. Thank you.