Doomed from the Start?

[Nezaha]

I met this guy about a year ago, and he pretty much swept me off my feet. We had this great relationship, but a couple months into it, he got antsy, and decided he wasn't in the right place to commit to commitment. Fine, we parted ways and he moved to another city. One year passes... He calls me and tells me he is moving back to my city, and he wants to resume a relationship. He is ready, he says, to have a future with someone. He tells me he dated a couple of women but his thoughts kept returning to me. BTW, I had no problem with NC at that time. He wasn't ready, so what could I do. Anyway, we being dating again, for about 6 months. We had our relationship up and downs, I would call them spats but nothing most new couples would not be able to work out. A few trust building issues mostly on my part. This time though I fell completely, totally in love. Hard. Anyway, this week-end, he tells me that I am not the one. That I am not the woman he thought I was last year. He said why bother when it is obvious that we can't get along. I would have to say we were about 90% compatible, 10% different points of view. I am so lost. I feel like I am in a fog. Everything I have done is the opposite of NC. I have, called, email, showed up weeping on his doorstep. How did I get so pathetic? I feel like there was no closure.

[btbt]

Nezaha, this guy has been pretty unfair to you. I mean there's no guarantee that a relationship will work out, but he's pulled this on you twice. Draw from the strength you had the first time around and do some serious NC. He's already wasted too much of your time. I know about the closure thing, but when the other person isn't responsive, you have to find closure alone. It sucks, I've been there, but that is the only way. You sound like a strong person so you can do it!

[annie24]

It's ok. Forgive yourself. You were alright before you met him, and you'll be fine afterwards. You cried, whatever, it's ok. Just forgive yourself. You said you did NC before and you healed fine. Just do it again.

 

Yes, you do sound like a very strong woman, I think one day, you'll meet a man who will appreciate you.

 

It's ok! Chin up! Just take care of yourself right now. You'll be just fine!

[Mun]

Ok girl stop the crying, the calling and all that other stuff. This is only further showing him you "are not the one" so don't do it. Pick yourself up and immediately start NC...

 

I hate to say this, but he sounds like a quitter. Can you really keep a man who will run at the sign of trouble? Relationships are filled with disagreements and require us to work through alot of things. If you are as compatible as you say then those small problems should be things you can work out, but if he doesn't want to then he is possibly not the one for YOU.

 

Chin up girl!

[Blurr]

I was just going to say that he sounds like a quitter. The line that really gets me is 'why bother when it is obvious that we can't get along'. What, because you had a few fights??

 

I'd say a couple was seriously odd if they didn't fight, so just because there is a little strife is not enough reason for him to just take off.

 

It's quite obvious that this guy isn't worth your time and you just have to do what you did before. Be strong, realize there is nothing you can do and move on with your life. He is going to be the one to realize that he made a mistake but this time he won't get another chance.

 

Be strong!

[RayKay]

Ugh, I know it hurts to be told that you are not "the one"...but time does heal, faith does restore, and eventually you realize "whoa, he really was not the one for me either!". Then you are pretty darn happy they let you go to find the one who IS the one..

 

I know it is hard, but stop calling him, weeping, begging, all it does is confirm in his mind he did the right thing. It's a turn off in other words, and it will not have the results I know you are hoping for everytime you do it.

 

He has some very fairy tale views if he believes a couple never disagrees, many studies will even show that those who disagree and know HOW to communicate those disagreements effectively are happier than those that "never fight". Why? Because part of growing as a couple is learning about one another, sharing your views, being your own independent self, and keeping your personality. Those who never fight often let issues "go" TOO much, lose their person, or just simply don't care enough to fight anymore.

 

We develop through shared experiences with our partner, even when we disagree, or have differences. No one should PICK fights, but healthy conflict resolution is part of relationships.

 

For him it might feel true, or perhaps he is using it as a reason to justify his feelings, maybe in his mind and heart you are really not the one..but sweetie, that is okay, because that just means he is not the one for you either.

 

You are strong, you did it before without him, and you WILL be able to do it again.

[Nezaha]

Thanks girls/guys. You guys said mostly what I was thinking. I think what I am looking for (what everyone is looking for) is that person who thinks that even though you may have your "moments" and you have those quirky things that make you unique, they think you are worth the effort. That you are worth the trouble to get to know. And even if some of the things you do drive them nuts, they wouldn't change one thing about you. I will keep you posted. I have be NC for 2 days. It's kinda like going through a nic-fit. You want to, but you know you will be healthier in the end if you don't light up.

[Nezaha]

Okay he called me. At work, first thing in the morning. Said he just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. I said I was doing fine (What a crock!). He told me that that he wishes me all the best and really has no hard feelings. He hopes we can one day be friends, blah blah blah. This isn't what I want to hear. I want "I love, miss you, what a jerk I was for ever letting you go, will you ever forgive me?" I know it's not going to happen, but why did he have to call and ruin my little fantasty world? It was all I had going.

[Nezaha]

He called me again. Why is he doing this? I said they if I was ever going to get over him, I needed to put us behind me. I let him know that of course I was hurting, of course I've been crying. What did he expect? He said that he doesn't want me to feel alone. I told him about this website and told him how much it was helping to here other people's stories. Then he told me I was like a robot, following someone else, not having my own opinion I don't even remember him ever saying that before, it is like now that he has had some time away, he has just concentrated on all my flaws.