His Family vs. Our relationship

[pumpkin1787]

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years now,and we're currently living about 2 hours apart and with schedule conflicts its difficult to see each other as often as we'd like.He currently is renting an apartment with his cousin,and his parents live right accross the hall from him,he's almost 23 but it seems like instead of being worried about our time he is more worried about jumping and doing whatever his parents want.Now don't get me wrong,his parents and I get along just fine,BUT everytime we make plans something always comes up,and alot of times instead of us getting to spend time together he is going to the beach,or the park,or a family get together with his parents.Its nice that he wants to be involved with his family and everything,but everything his mom suggests he goes for.He talks how much he wants us to get our own place together and what not,but I just don't see me being able to get him away from his mom anytime soon.I want things to change,but i don't want him to think that i'm trying to make him tune his mom out completely or nothing,and I dont want her to think I'm trying to steal him away since he is "her baby" but I need to do something,any suggestions???

[jna35]

I think it's kinda unhealthy that he is 23 and still jumping through hoops for his mom. It's fine to be close to family, but at some point in time he needs to sever the apron strings. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel. I have to say that I went through a similar situation with my now husband of almost 17 years and everything ended up working out just fine. You are lucky that his family likes you. That is a blessing!! My mother-in-law didn't like me at all and threatened to break his legs if he married me and spread all kinds of nasty and untrue rumors about us in our church! We survived and he cut those strings. I basically told him he was an adult and needed to take control of his own life. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you!!

[pumpkin1787]

Thanks alot...Last night when we were talking I told him flat out that he's a grown man,and it's time for us to have our own life that doesnt revolve around his mother.I think at first he was a bit upset with me,but once we started talking things out he was apologizing left and right.He understands that it's time for him to lead his own life,but he said that its a rough time right now for his mom,which I understand (his one older brother got locked up about 6months ago and theyre still not sure how long he's gonna get...his dad had to have open heart surgery last year and now he isnt supposed to over work himself and what not,then theres the everyday problems in general) but I assured him no matter what if his parents or family ever needed anything he'd only be a phone call away and i'd never stop him from doing anything with or for his family.So we're planning on a visit this next week and we're going to talk things out further so I guess i'll just have to wait and see where it goes....but thanks again!

[jna35]

You're welcome. I'm so proud of you!! It can be hard to stand up for yourself. I honestly think you handled that VERY well!! I'm sorry to hear all the things that are going on in your boyfriend's life right now. He's lucky to have you for support and I think he knows that. It's good that he realizes he can live his own life without being attached at the hip to them. His family really shouldn't "expect" him to be there all the time. I think what you told him is right on. Good luck to you and hang in there!!

[pumpkin1787]

Thanks again...Even thought somethings seem hard at first,and its not easy to tell him what i think or feel,in the long run im really glad i do because no matter how bad things may seem we can work them out...With everything that we've made it thru together i'm not going to let anybody or anything stop us from being happy and together...i maybe a bit guilty though,because i tell him he's a grown man and doesnt need his family to take care of him and to tell him what to do,yet i feel like i should take care of him and everything else.lol.but anyways if you ever need to talk im here...you can email me at email removed or just reply to this or what not...have a great day!

[jna35]

You are very wise for someone so young. I wish I'd had that wisdom at your age. I appreciate your offer as well. It goes the same for you. You can reach me at email removed

 

I can't stress enough how important good communication is. I think it's a major key to any healthy relationship. It can be very hard sometimes though. We've been together for as long as you've been alive. Gosh that really dates me doesn't it? lol!

 

I know what you mean about wanting to take care of him. I wanted to do the same for mine, but remember it's not your job to take care of everything. It's a joint venture. I think as women we are more prone to want to fix things and make everything better. That's the nurturing qualities in us. Just make sure your needs are met as well.

 

He's really lucky to have you! I think everything will be O.K. so long as you are honest with him and keep those lines of communication open.

 

Have a wonderful Saturday!!