It's been over 2 years and STILL something hurts me!

[may55]

Hi guys,

 

I hate admitting this, I really am over my ex (we were together for around 5-6 years, then in "breakup stage" for about a year, so basically most of my 20's). I just found out through a mutual friend that he moved in with his new girlfriend, the one he was dating while he and I were in couples therapy. This woman he has broken up with at least 5 times over the past 2 years and always comes back crying to me. I of course smartened up and realized that my ex and I were never getting back together, and that him crying on my shoulder could only be as friends. But I do think that we were becoming friends. I was trying at least. For awhile I did not speak to him to give me some credit. But I just stopped hating him and the friend thing made sense to me.

 

We really seemed to be like friends. He even gave me good advice about my new guy (unfortunately we ended recently). So recently he offered to help me move and when it came close to that weekend to move, he was no where to be found and stood me up! I ended up having my parents come help me (both are in their 60's). I tried calling him for about 3 weeks after, he never called back. I finally got ahold of him and confronted him on his flakiness. He apologized. I even asked if he had gotten back together with his "girlfriend" Maria and he said no, but they were talking. But he acted funny. My feelings were hurt at his behavior, so I thought "OK we just can't be friends right now." Thinking he wanted me back or something stupid.

 

Now I just found out through a mutual friend that he moved in with this woman about a month ago. When I had talked to him last time he had already been living with her! He totally LIED to my face. It was crazy! Of course it explains his rude behavior, but I always thought he'd tell me the truth. I was very open about my new relationship with him. He had even talked to me about his girlfriend before, so there should not have been any reason for him to lie. We were suppose to be friends, or as much as we could be.

 

Now I am confused. Why does this still bother me? What the hec did I do to him to make him lie and be such an ass? He was an awful boyfriend and treated me horribly when we ended, but he was a decent person and I really did see us getting along as somewhat friends. I had forgiven him for so much. Now of course I want nothing to do with him! I think he is an awful person.

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this. Why am I bothered? Am I an ideallistic idiot thinking we could even be friends? And why the hec does he lie like that? What's in it for him!? Ugh! So ashamed that I am still bothered after all of these years. Maybe I really cannot let go! Any advice or insight is very welcome.

[fate or freewill]

With such a long relationship, you probably still have some kind of emotional reside that's being stirred up with this contact from your ex.

 

Two years is not a long time after being together for better part of a decade.

 

It had been 10 years since I had seen my ex (we got together and recently split again) but I could feel all the emotional patterns and behaviors coming out from 10 years ago, like it was yesterday.

 

As far as him being a jerk, he probably has unresolved issues as well and this is his way of dealing with them.

 

You could let him know he's being disrespectful and lying to you and since your just trying to be friends, you won't put up with this behavior.

[arwen]

May, I would feel exactly the same. I think it is an ego-thing, at least partially. I think another part of you might feel that he shouldn't be happy with someone he was already dating DURING your endstages. I have an ex (in fact, a quite similar ex and a similar relationship development), and I am sure I would really be hurt in a way.

 

Another factor is that he is still in this particular relationship, while you feel you had a harder time moving on, and ended another relationship (i.e. it didn't work out-- this might feel like a failure on your behalf which it naturally isn't).

 

I have the same with the ex. We are now on speaking terms, which I have refused for a long long time (maybe 2 years), and I have just ended YET another relationship. He is still with that girl he chose over me, and dated at my expense (we were still 'together' when he was in love with her, and started dating her when I was abroad-- I didn't know about that until way later because I already decided independently from that that it wouldn't work).

 

I had the 'luck' (ok, that is a mean word in this context haha) that he recently confided in me with some serious troubles in that relationship

 

What I am trying to point out here, is that my smudge-secret-inner laugh about his problem, is somehow an unwarranted ego-boost for me. I don't love him, and I don't hate him, he's just a sort of friend now. Still I feel that way.

 

It works the other way around as well. If I would know he would marry this girl, I would really be hurt-- in the same area: the ego.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[may55]

Hey thanks both to Ilse and Fate or Freewill for your insight. I agree it is disrepectful of him and the feelings I have are probably a bruised ego. I do believe in Karma, but probably will never have the satisfaction of witnessing it. Oh well. Trying not to be bitter and to stay positive.

 

Thanks again guys! Totally helped!