Negative Comments

[Amore]

Hello, I haven't been on enotalone in a while, but I seem to be having a problem and could use the advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over 13 months, and we are both in our first relationship. There have been problems in the past about us moving too fast, feeling pressured into doing things for each other, etc. but we feel such a special connection with each other and didn't want to lose that, so we are working things out.

 

The problem is that lately, my boyfriend has been saying some negative things about me. It seems like everything I do annoys him in some way.

 

First of all, he is constantly calling me a "big mouth." When I have a problem with our relationship, I will talk to my friends, my mom, and adults I trust to get advice. However, he doesn't like this at all, and says that I am causing trouble by not keeping our relationship "private." Now, I am pretty shy and I am the last person who would go on gossiping about the private details of our relationship, yet he always thinks I do. He is constantly saying, "You better not have told [name] about [thing we did]!" I feel like he doesn't trust me to keep my mouth shut when need be and doesn't trust my intentions when getting advice. I have a pretty close relationship with my mom, and I will be completely honest with her. If I get a bad grade, do something wrong, or need help, I will go to her. Now according to my boyfriend, this is "causing trouble" because if I didn't tell my mom when something bad happened, I'd never suffer consequences for it. I don't believe that's right and I think my mom has the right to know when something's up. He'll say "Girls always gossip, that's just what they do."

 

Which brings me to another problem, the fact that he thinks males are superior to females. I believe very strongly in gender equality, yet my boyfriend thinks females who are upset with their "lower status" are being ridiculous because they ultimately have the same rights. I'll complain about how society's mindset still views females as inferior, and he'll disagree and say how women complain all the time and that no one is sexist. He was brought up to be a "macho man" to say the least, and I feel that sometimes he puts down the entire female gender, especially when he directs such demeaning comments to me.

 

Are his negative comments a result of our values clashing, something I'll just have to accept, ignore, and put up with? Or can I say something to him that'll let him know that those comments hurt? I don't want advice such as "break up with him if he's hurting you" because like I said before, we've been through a lot and I don't want to throw our whole relationship away. I really do feel a special connection with him, and I don't want to give that up.

 

Thanks for reading this, and I'm very thankful for any helpful advice I may receive.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Well there is nothing more annoying that a girl who gripes about how she feels treated as a woman often enough. Women are hardly opressed here and 1. Men also have disadvantages in this society. 2. Instead of complaining about what you don't like why not worry about what you can do to get where you want to be?

[adidas7fire]

I totally feel for you. I used to date a guy that would do the same thing but he made me realize that with all the negativity he was feeding off to me, unfortunately, it was his way of telling me he was done with me (he was cheating on me with a friend of mine). But on the better hand, I met a guy that I became friends with and then ended up dating (as we still are and happily!). One thing we came to in agreement on was the fact that communication was a HUGE factor in our relationship and that if we ever had any problems, we should try to discuss it with each other BEFORE seeking others' advice. Yes, our family can try to tell us what's right to do in a situation but in the end, it's going to be between you and him, not your family/friends/etc and him, you know? If you can't trust him now, who's to say that you won't be able to trust him later.

 

I also think that his comments about women being inferior is a kick in the knees, if you will. Gender equality is great but unfortunately not everyone is going to be understanding of that. You don't have to "deal" with it or "accept" it if it's not what you believe in. This just might be one of those issues that you would need to talk to him about... express not just some but ALL of the feelings that you are feeling. If you keep it bottle dup inside, it will only hurt you more... and even him.

 

Good luck!

[Amore]

I'm sorry Napoleon, my word choice of my last post was very poor. I shouldn't have used the word complain, and I know that women are equal, and that equality is something I support greatly. It is just "a kick in the knees," as adidas7fire said, when people still make sexist comments in a society that is, and should be in mindset, equal. I am very pro-woman, as that is the way I personally have been brought up, and my boyfriend knows this through classroom debates, disccusion with friends, etc. I never directly complain to him (or anyone), but he knows my view of the topic. What bothers me is when he makes sexist comments purposely TO me, as he knows they hit a sore spot. For example, for a research essay contest, I wrote an essay about one of the first female physicists, and it won an honorable mention. Now instead of congratulating me at first, my boyfriend made a remark such as "The only reason you won is because you wrote about a woman and you got all of the female judges on your side." It's little things like that which bother me.

 

And adidas7fire, my boyfriend and I always, always talk problems out first before I go to anyone. However, I find it very helpful to get an outsiders view of the situation, someone with more experience than me. This is my first relationship, and talking to adults I trust always helps because they've all been through similar problems. It doesn't necessarily mean I'll always take their advice, but it's nice to know that some people out there are willing to help. The problem is that whenever I do that, he insults me constantly. He wouldn't even talk or look at me for a day once when I asked my mom for help.

 

 

If you can't trust him now, who's to say that you won't be able to trust him later.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by that, because I never said I didn't trust him.

 

Thanks for your replies so far, I hope I could clear things up a bit

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Amore I don't remember everything from your original post and I am writing with a head ache. So you might have already mentioned this however if you haven't, I must say it sounds like he is jealous of you.