GF feels too fat to have sex

[Universe]

My girlfriend is not fat. She's athletic and proportional. But her weight fluctuates a lot. Sometimes when her work gets stressful and she doesn't have time to work out, she'll put on a couple extra pounds. I notice it, but don't mind it at all. I prefer her to be her normal weight, but would never complain or put her down. I hate how our society is so thin-obsessed. I just want her to be healthy and will love her no matter what.

Anyways - when she puts on a few extra pounds, it makes her feel really unsexy and uncomfortable. I'm very tall and very thin and I don't have to work very hard at all to stay lean. I think she resents me for this.

So it's really hard for me to make her feel sexy and turn her on during times like these.

She complains that she has no frame of reference for what I think is sexy because I think she's sexy no matter what. If nothing is unsexy, then nothing is sexy. Understand?

 

Any ideas on what to do about this?

[birdgirl]

I'm kinda the same way, and my smarter boyfriends have told me they actually prefer my higher weight, because I have more of a chest and butt then. Might work...

[Meow18]

I don't know that I would say what birdgirl says about the chest and butt thing. It might make her feel like those body parts are more important to you than her in general. At least that would probably be how I felt.

 

She has a confidence issue, that's for sure. You can help her build her confidence. You probably already do this, but tell her she looks beautiful. Don't wait for her to say "oh, I look fat". My boyfriend tells me this a lot and it really makes me feel better especially when I'm having a bad day and I think I look horrible. Of course you have to mean it though. If you are just saying it to say it then she will realize it.

 

You should do a search on the internet to find ways to build self esteem. Really though, what she thinks is going to do the most damage to her self esteem, so you can help a little but she's got to do most of it herself. If she ever says anything negative about herself, stop her. Tell her that saying that over and over will only make her feel worse about herself. Maybe you can even make a long list of what you consider beautiful about her and give it to her. Make sure she realizes there is more to her than her body, and that you love it all.

[RayKay]

I admit I know very well how your girlfriend feels.

 

I used to be anorexic, and am not anymore, but I do keep myself in very good shape and am very athletic and toned. My weight does not fluctuate all that much except for normal fluctuations people have with hydration, menstrual cycle etc...but I know if I don't get to workout or feel like I did not eat very well one day or something, I tend to feel "fat". My boyfriend like you is tall and lean - he does workout and is athletic too, but it does come easier to him for sure...he can eat anything and everything I know he is puzzled by it too, as he thinks I am hot and he worries if he knows I feel this way, but its a "mental thing" for me. I can be exactly the same as I was two days when I felt very sexy, but all of a sudden my brain is telling me I am not as sexy, it drives me crazy as I know it is nonsense since I AM very fit, but my brain is telling me different.

 

I know if I DO feel like I have gained weight, I feel like crap...

 

I know this sounds odd, but when you compliment her on her being "sexy" and beautiful..sometimes also be specific. And compliment the areas she is more self conscious about. Grab her butt and tell her you love her round sexy bum, it does absolutely the reverse then make her thing you worry too much about those areas. Rather, over time it builds up her confidence in those areas...it makes her feel like you are not using generic flattering remarks, but rather being specific about HER.

 

Honestly for many women, and even men, it can be hard to always ignore these feelings, but if you let her feel like you could jump her at any second as she is so damn hot, it does help Yes we want to be loved for our brains and personality...but really, we also want to feel like sexy, desirable vixens too...

[btbt]

Universe, just keep supporting her in the way you do, telling her she is sexy etc. You can also tell her why you find thin, unsexy, not as a comparision but as a way to tell her the advantages of having a womanly figure. She's lucky to have someone like you!

[lisica]

RayKay is right that you should be specific in telling her what makes her so sexy. Her hair, her curves, her legs, her smile, the way she dresses,... And why not give her the frame of reference that she is asking for by pointing out to her things in other woman that you do not like and by telling her why you think she is soooo much hotter than them.

[crookster_man]

Ah physical bueaty. Is it not strange how obessed we are with such a simple and fragile thing. How easily can it be washed away. Destroyed and ruined. Yet we put so much stock into it.

 

I doubt your woman will cast aside her attatchment so easily so do what others have said. Support and consol, we all have "fat" days so try to help her out of it.

[Iceman26]

From the way you describe her personality, it sounds like complimenting her isnt going to do any good.

 

She will think you are just saying that to make her feel better, and if she is the type of personality that you suggest, will only make her more resentful towards you.

 

Keep it simple. When she complains about her weight, tell her you think she looks beautiful, or whatever it is you want to tell her, but if she feels like shes gained some weight, suggest that you guys hit the gym together.

 

Ugh, this is the worst type of person to date dude. I hate it when someone takes their insecurities out on someone else.

[suprema99]

If she doesn't believe you when you say one time, I find you attractive. Your comments obviously, either might not matter that much to her or she is very insecure. I don't know which would be worst.

[reflectionlessmirror]

It si easy for women to feel this way because of all teh bull crap we see in magazines, movies, tv. etc. She is a real woman and THAT is sexy!

[skyteph]

If she doesn't believe you when you say one time, I find you attractive. Your comments obviously, either might not matter that much to her or she is very insecure. I don't know which would be worst.

 

Or maybe she knows how much you are both in love with each other, and feels that you say this just so you don't hurt her feelings. I know that when my friends compliment me, occasionally I think that they /have/ to say that because they are my friends.

[crookster_man]

Compliments are good where ever they come from. Nothing like hearing positive things about yourself. I would take it where you can without question ;o)

[suprema99]

Hey skyteph, that could be true. I think nobody has to compliment somebody though. And hopefully it's not cause they feel they have to. And like you said about your friends. If you got good friends, then the compliments you get most likely are probably for real then.

[lisica]

A comment for Iceman26:

 

If I would say to my bf that I feel fat, and as a reply he would suggest to go to the gym together, that would make me feel very very bad about myself because it means that he is agreeing + thinks something should be done about it. It can hardly get any worse

 

Haha, I understand why you think this is the worst type of person to date if you reply in this way. The golden principle is: when your gf says that she does not like this or that about her own appearance, you tell her how wrong she is, and you tell her why. This results in you complimenting her.

 

If you do this right, and you can also start doing it spontaneously without her fishing or asking for it first, there are lot's of benefits. For instance, she will feel more secure and sexy as a lover, she might pay special attention to dressing in a way you like. But also, a good compliment can make her feel happy and as a result she will quietly forgive you some things that otherwise she would nag about and/or do things for you.

[Universe]

Thank you all for so many good ideas.

 

I do tell her often that I think she's beautiful and sexy and hott. But she told me recently that she absolutely hates it when people tell her she's beautiful. She says she hates when people compliment her.

 

 

 

She has a confidence issue, that's for sure.

I can't believe I never thought of it like this, but she really does have confidence problems.

 

sometimes also be specific. And compliment the areas she is more self conscious about. Grab her butt and tell her you love her round sexy bum, it does absolutely the reverse then make her thing you worry too much about those areas. Rather, over time it builds up her confidence in those areas...it makes her feel like you are not using generic flattering remarks, but rather being specific about HER.

I think you're absolutely right about being specific. I think I'm not specific enough when I compliment her. That makes a lot of sense. I really need to do that.

 

 

nd why not give her the frame of reference that she is asking for by pointing out to her things in other woman that you do not like and by telling her why you think she is soooo much hotter than them.

I think this is brilliant too. So simple, but I never thought of it. I definitely should do this more. I'll make a conscious effort to do so.

 

She will think you are just saying that to make her feel better, and if she is the type of personality that you suggest, will only make her more resentful towards you.

Iceman26 is right. She resents my compliments. But I think as RayKay and lisica have suggested: complimenting specific things and also pointing out real life comparisons might be what she needs.

 

Thanks again, everyone. I think this will help.

[CluelessInFla]

One thing to consider is to stray away from complimenting her on her looks. I know personally I like it when I am complimented on my looks but compliments about me as a person stay with me much longer. Obviously you're not going to respond to "my thighs are fat" with "don't worry about your thighs honey, all that matters is how smart, funny, etc. you are". Being complimented on physical attributes is cheap flattery, but showing her how completely fascinated you are with her will take you much farther.

[Iceman26]

What I had said was to reassure her that she is not fat and tell her you find her extremely attractive, and if she still insists on taking her insecurities out on you, tell her that if SHE FEELS fat (because he doesnt feel she is fat), then she/the both of you should do something healthy and productive about it, like getting some exercise.

 

Obviously, Universe has already tried complimenting/reassuring her, and that hasn't worked, so I figured it was time to try something else is all.

[Meow18]

What I had said was to reassure her that she is not fat and tell her you find her extremely attractive, and if she still insists on taking her insecurities out on you, tell her that if SHE FEELS fat (because he doesnt feel she is fat), then she/the both of you should do something healthy and productive about it, like getting some exercise.

 

Obviously, Universe has already tried complimenting/reassuring her, and that hasn't worked, so I figured it was time to try something else is all.

 

 

I agree with Iceman. My boyfriend complains a lot about how unheathly he is and that he's gaining weight. I personally don't see him gaining weight, but his family always comments on it.. I don't think they realize that it really is an issue with him right now.

 

Anyways, basically I suggest that we start eating healthy together. I don't say "I agree, you are getting fat, you need to start eating healthy." Instead I say "I know you are so insecure about your body right now and not eating healthy, so how about we both start eating healthy together?" He said he would do it if I helped him.

 

Universe, maybe you could suggest working out with her or eating healthier with her? Just by doing that it could help her feel better about herself, whether she's overweight or not. You don't have to say that she needs it, cause she most likely doesn't, just say that if she wants to start working out or eating better, than you would love to do it with her. It's so hard sometimes to be motivated on your own, so when you have someone else to keep you going with it, it's a lot easier.

[oceania]

maybe you should try making her feel good about herself, not just on her looks either.

she needs some more confidince.