Is it a false hope?

[C.C.]

Hi, everyone. This is my first time here. I need your advice, and perhaps just to talk to you all here who understand how I am feeling. Please excuse my English, for it is not my native language.

 

My ex-boyfriend of one year broke up with me in May. It was a long distance relationship - we live about 4 hours away from each other, but it was not a problem. My ex developed his feelings towards me very quickly after we met. When we became bf/gf, He told me one day that even on our very first date he could see himself having a family with me someday. I love him very much with all my heart, but at that time I thought that we were moving a bit too fast.

 

My ex don't usually talk on the phone, so We IMed each other almost everyday, and saw each other every other weekend. When we date, it was always wonderful. As time goes by, I found myself very much in love with him and have started to see a feature with him. However, when he asked me things like that, I didn't always give him a specific answer as yes or no. My mind went back and forth and that was how my ex boyfriend felt. He told me after breaking up with me that he can't be in a relationship where he kept thinking that I was going to break up with him. I don't blame him for now that I understand my way of communicating with him was very wrong even though I have never intended to hurt his feelings.

 

I think that I was the one who unconsciously 'forced' him to give up this relationship. When the day we talked seriously about this relationship, we were both very emotional and crying. I was too proud to tell him my true feelings, I only told him that I didn't want to break up because I love him very much. That was probably the first time I felt insecure about this relationship. At that point, he wasn't breaking up with me yet. It was after that meeting, I started 'pushing' every day. I asked him if he has broken up with me, or if I have totally lost him and such. I called him one day to tell him what I have been really feeling about us lately and opened up to him the way I should have when we were still dating. I finally told him that I of course saw a further together with him and the reasons why I backed off sometimes. He did feel better after that one hour conversation, but was confused. And again, I don't blame him for that.

 

The mistake I made then was that I didn't allow time for him to heal and to think. I kept talking to him about the relationship everyday and writing him letters. I have now learned that what I did was pressing on him and pushing him farther away from me. I should have stopped and respected what he needed at the time when he told me that he was very confused and needed time to think about it and to get over everything that had happened that week. How I wish I had found this forum earlier! A few days later after that phone call, when I pressed him again about whether there's still a chance in this relationship, he said that he didn't think there was anymore. Alas, my heart was really broken. I told him that I was sad, but grateful that he was at least finally listen to that 'little voice' from his heart. ( by that, I pushed him away again. I know now.) He said that his little voices were fighting, that he loved me so much and that I will always be a part of his life. But love is not enough for him, he said that there's also life. He wanted different things - someone who could relate to the same passions he has. He said that he loved so much about my outlook on life and that he didn't think he could ever find that quality in anyone else. Since we were both very clear that we want a family if we were married. He told me that he was even serious considering not to have it anymore because if I were not the one he didn't know if the one that is right for him is out there. All and all, he wanted to always be friends.I was confused. Ever since I opened up with him about seeing a future together and such, he became very distant and somehow resentful each time we IMed online. He thought I was playing games in this relationship. I have hurt his feelings and I honestly have never intended to do so. And again, I didn't allow time to heal. I kept finding excuses to talk to him every day online even without talking to him about this relationship.

 

For a month, I cried, wrote letters, and opened up to him as I have never did when we were dating. All the things I did or said seemed to push him further away. I now know that I was wrong because what I did were pressing, not giving.

 

I asked to meet several times during that month, but he always refused. So I stopped asking. However after one and a half months of the break up, he suggested to plan a day to meet, and told me that he had always planed to do so but just needed some time. We spend almost entire day together walking in the wood and saw two movies in the theater. We finally talked about the relationship by the end of the day. It was very emotional, and we both have tears in our eyes. He told me that he just didn't think that it is going to work for us. He held me tight and told me how much he loved my outlook on life but he needed also to be practical about the issues of the differences between us. By the end of the conversation he said to me that he was confused and didn't know who I really was anymore. He said to me that he needed time to think about it....

 

After that meeting, I have been doing a lot of reading, thinking, and self-reflecting for a month. It has become clear to me that I am the one who is responsible for this break up. I realized that I was too judgmental, critical, and wasn't always open enough to him. Think it back now, I really don't like those behavior and attitude of mine. I want to change with my heart to be better. I know that I don't have the power to change what he wants, but I want to change and improve myself not just for him but most importantly, for myself.

 

I love him very much, and I sincerely hope that he would consider to give me a chance to love him 100%.

 

My question here is: do I really have a chance, or is it true as he said that those differences (daily life) between us were things that could not be worked out? Please give me your thoughts and advice. I will truly appreciate it.

 

Broken hearted,

C.C.

[btbt]

C.C., don't be so hard on yourself. There's a lot of self-blame here. Whether you wish you did something differently or not, is not the point. It didn't happen that way and you can't change it. I'm not trying to be cold (i'm drawing from my own tendency to obsess over what I could have done better), but you have to believe that things happen for a reason and have faith that relationships will take their course, and the right one will find you. There is, however, something to be said for pacing yourself, maybe holding back a little emotionally until you are sure that you and your partner are ready for that.

 

As for the future, if there are concrete things you want to change about yourself or your daily life then go for it, but don't do it for another person, do it for yourself. From my experience, if someone promises you, or if you promise to change for them, then expectations get higher and higher and cannot be met. Anyway, trust yourself. This person sounds very honest, if only to say that he is confused. So keep talking (but not obsessively!), have patience (but don't be a doormat), and see how it goes.

[hotmin00]

C.C,i think you are putting all faults on your self,at least not all but you are trying to blame your self to explain why things happened.he maybe wont find a similar person because maybe is true that there is a person called(other half) and he didnt find that in you.(maybe because you didnt showed to him how such great person you can be or already are,or maybe because he didnt really searched those things in you.

 

if you still love him and he loves you,talk again deeper. i think happiness can be build but love cant.talk about what he expects of you(and be mature to handle wat he says) and tell him what you expect of him and all the dreams and hope you have. maybe this will help. contact me if it does

[The_Doc]

Don't blame yourself... these things take two people.

 

Look he knows how you feel ynd you do not have to remind him constantly. The best thing for you to do now is not to contact him at all for a while.

 

He needed his time -- now you need yours. You have to focus on yourself and try not to be his insurance policy. You deserve someone who wants you as you are not someone who is not sure about you.

 

You need to heal... and to do that you need sometime alone. Im not saying you should never contact him again but you HAVE TO stop chasing him. And I'm not talking about days here but weeks or even months.

 

Now that probably sounds horrible but you CANNOT make someone love you. Telling him all the time will only make him see you as someone to feel sorry for, someone needy.

 

If he chooses to come back to you he will -- but don't expect it. Look after yourself, keep yourself busy, work hard, keep fit, read, go out with friends. Put yourself first... and if you ever feel like sending him an IM, or an SMS or calling -- STOP and IM, SMS or call a friend for support instead.

 

Time to heal....

[C.C.]

Thanks for replying, btbt, hotmin00, and The_Doc. I love b (my ex-boyfriend) so much, and I really don't want to give it up. He knows what my dreams and wants are, and he used to say that he wanted the same and my dreams were his dreams. The thing is that when he was so sweet like that, I usually backed off and tried to slow it down, which made him feel insecure in this relationship. He used to be so sure that I was the one, and told me that he couldn't imagine himself being with anyone else for the rest of his life. I was ,then, the one who was not sure from time to time if he was the one and I wanted time for us to know. When I was ready to get in, he had started to step out. Sad, isn't it?

 

What I want to change about myself are some of my attitude that I don't like such as being critical, judgmental, or bossy around him. B told me that he wants someone who could talk to him when there is a disagreement, and someone who is easygoing like he himself.

 

About the daily life, he wants someone who listens to the same music, enjoy the same movies, or has the same childhood background., etc. These things have never been a concern when we were still dating. Over the year, we enjoyed each other's company so much no matter what things we did together. He felt that way, too. I know how important to have same interests in a relationship. But isn't it enough that we both have same dreams and goals in life? (I didn't really make it clear to him before about my current dreams and goals till he broke up with me. He does now, though, and which is why he said that he doesn't know who I really am anymore.)

 

I don't know if he broke up with me was because that I didn't open up myself enough to him, or the daily life is really too important but can't be worked out. Or maybe both. I am feeling very sad and lost.

 

C.C.

[C.C.]

P.S.: we still love each other very much, and care for each other. B told me that he will always love me, and I really want us to be back together. I just don't know what would be the best for me to do at this moment for a long distant relationship. Any advice? Thank you in advance. -C.C.

[btbt]

It's smart of you to know your own limitations and that a long distance relationship would be hard. But they are not impossible. Set up the ground rules and expectations. You have to learn a completely different set of skills in a LDR. They are not set in stone, but if you talk through how you are going to proceed on the day to day, how often you will call, visit etc., then that might help relieve some anxiety on both parts. If he's not willing to do this and wants to "see how it goes," that's fine as long as you can handle the uncertainty that goes with that.

[C.C.]

Thank you for the reply, btbt. Do you think I should still contact him at this moment (of course not obsessively but from time to time to catch up with each other?)

 

I won't expect him to call at all because we always talked through IM when we were dating. I would want to work on that if he comes back to me someday, though. I don't know if I should at this point just do the NC or log on the chat room and talk to him lightly from time to time without any relationship talk at all. Thanks for your thoughts in advance.

 

By the way, I did NC for only two days and I broke down yesterday, and IMed him. He was nice talking to me and asked what I have been up to for the weekend. I don't know if he was curious about it or just asked. But I am glad that we were able to chat a little.

 

C.C.