Psychologist said, "I can't help you." Therapy OK?

[SimoneTiger]

About three weeks ago I went to my regular appointment with my psychologist, but instead of sitting down with me, she handed me a sheet with a list of the names and phone numbers of other therapists... This was a total surprise to me, especially since I thought that things had been going very well lately and talking to her was not unlike talking to a girlfriend.

 

My therapist said that she wouldn't be able to help me, but she would be happy to refer me to someone else. I had been seing her for about three months regarding the problems my perfectionism caused at school and at home (both academic and social). Furthermore, I am pretty much spoiled rotten and not ready for life in the real world. So, she did not explain what caused her to make the decision to let me go, and, honestly, I was too stunned at the time to ask further questions.

 

I just recently told my mom what happened, and she encouraged me to call my ex-therapist and request an explanation of why she did that--talk about break-up drama... Of course, the last thing I want is to talk to her--or any other therapist--again. I cannot help feeling rejected--it was a huge step for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with a stranger (gee, I even told her about my fear of rejection)... Although now I suspect her behavior is not typical of therapists, as soon as I got home I threw away the sheet with psychologists' names she gave me and declared that I refuse to go through that again.

 

It feels like I need to go to therapy now to get over the fact that my therapist rejected me. I was happy to be actually taking steps to solve my problems, but now I feel that I cannot expect any help from others. Possibly as a reaction to that, I stopped taking my antidepressants three weeks ago, and refuse to discuss the subject with my family (I normally share everything with my parents and my fiance).

 

My question: what's wrong with me? Is it worth it to attempt to contact another psychologist? I don't really want to learn to trust someone new starting from zero again, but I used to think that I was getting a lot out of therapy... Has anyone had a similar experience, and what were your thoughts about it?

[ayekasong]

Could it be possible that your ex-therapist was quitting her job? Perhaps she just realized that she does not have the proper training to be helping people? If she typically tells patients that they are spoiled rotten, I could also see a possibility that she was fired...

 

I do not think this is typical behavior of therapists. My therapist never made me feel like I was a hopeless case - however, my mother was made to feel that everything between her and my sister was her (my mother's) fault. I think there are some people in this profession who should not be helping people...

 

I do think you should attempt to contact another psychologist. You have already recognized that you benefit from such therapy. Try not to take the ex-therapist's dismissal so personally, it may not have had anything to do with you.

[annie24]

Yes, don't take it personally. Like Ayekasong said, she may be quitting her job, got fired, or perhaps she needs to scale back her patient load due to personal reasons. Or maybe, over the 3 months of therapy, she just doesn't feel like she's getting through to you, and thinks maybe someone with a different style may help you more.

 

In any case, don't feel rejected. She's just trying to help you out. She wouldn't have given you a list of others if she thought you were hopeless.

 

I would get that sheet of paper again. Try giving someone else a call... good luck!

[shes2smart]

She owes you an explanation as to why she cannot work with you. Treat this like you would treat any other seller-buyer transaction.

 

I don't think this is very professional behavior on her part. I seriously doubt it has anything to do with you, but rather something to do with her.

 

Just off the top of my head, here's a couple of reasons why a therapist would want to refer you to someone else:

 

>After several sessions with you, she may have realized that your issues are not in her area of expertise. For example, if you have an eating disorder or body image issues and that's not an area that particular therapist has experience with, s/he may want to send you to another therapist who has experience working with that.

 

>She may be cutting down her workload due to personal reasons. My shrink's husband had some sort of health crisis and she cut back her client load for a while. How long had you been seeing her? If you are a relatively new client, she may be more likely to refer you elsewhere than someone she has been seeing for a longer time.

 

>Many people who get into the counseling field do so because they have issues of their own they want to understand better. Perhaps your issues are too close to her own for her to be objective enough to provide any meaningful assistance to you.

 

So, don't take it personally. It is your right as a consumer to ask for a reason why she wants to refer you elsewhere.

 

Don't give up because of one questionable therapist. Jeez...I went to....??? don't even remember how many shrinks before I found one who's style matched with me. I did some amazing work with her over the years. I saw her on and off as necessary from 1992 til we moved out of town last year.

[arwen]

I agree with shes2smart, as a professional she really cannot simply pull back like this. Even if it was about YOU, you'd still be better off knowing why.

 

My therapist one time shocked me by saying she really was so worried about me. I was like, oh my GOD how can it be that I am the worst of her cases? Oi!

 

You should call her and simply ask for an explanation. Tell her you took it personally and just need clarity before looking for another therapist.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[SimoneTiger]

Yes...

 

I guess that is the reason I took it so hard--I thought of her as a girlfriend rather than someone who is just doing her job... That is what I have learned through observing my sister's relationship with her therapist: my sister loves her and calls her on a regular basis just to chat, and I guess that is the kind of help I expected, as well.

 

Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

[annie24]

Yes, I too think it was unprofessional of her not to give you a reason. I think you should call her, tell her you "lost" the list of other therapists, and you'd like her to mail you another list. Also, ask her why she won't be your therapist anymore.

[brando]

I guess sometimes therapists feel they are not equipped certain problems. Maybe she knows the ones she listed who have specific experience with perfectionism.

 

Perhaps just take it as a refrence to a specialist and your ex-therapist was making a decision in hers and your own best interest.

 

I would call her up and ask her to perhaps send your file to the new therapist, if you do choose to decide to go. Not sure if this is legal or a confidentiality issue between therapists and patients.

[arwen]

Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

 

Ah, something to think about, isn't it!

 

Let us know if you called her. I don't think you can always mirror other people's therapists. My ex has a physical therapist who also is sort of a mother/guide-in-life to him. I have a psychotherapist-- her and I are friendly as well as we don't differ much in age and share a sense of humor. Still I really wouldn't ask her about her personal life or call her outside of appointments.

 

ilse.

[SimoneTiger]

Thanks you all for the advice--it certainly gave me a brand new perspective outside of my bitter, sulky reaction.

 

Knowing myself though, I doubt that I will call her and demand an explanation. I feel that it will be an intrusion of the privacy of someone who has asked not to see me anymore, whatever the reason may be (ah, aren't I so very altruistic? and I'd rather hang on to... what I perceive as my "dignity" by not calling her. Although I miss my sessions, I'd much rather think that she was right and I would better off with someone else...

[annie24]

Are you really being altrusitic, or are you just afraid she'll say something like, "I can't stand you!" I think that closure is important, I know that I would wonder and it would always bug me until I knew what happened.

 

I remember being 9 years old and my piano teacher told me to find a new instructor. She was getting older, and wanted to scale back her work-load, and quite frankly, I wasn't one of her favorite students (she didn't say that, but I remember thinking it....) She actually said she wanted to focus her attention on a small handful of students. Well, whatever. I didn't like her much anyways, and I found a new teacher I liked better....

[Spirits Away]

I second brando on this

I guess sometimes therapists feel they are not equipped certain problems. Maybe she knows the ones she listed who have specific experience with perfectionism.

 

She may not be confident enough to deal with these problem herself and feels that it's the best choice for you to switch therapist.

 

Having said that, i've been curious for a very long time. How much does therapist cost per hour? Does it differ from profession to profession or people to people?

[btbt]

I think you are taking the situation very well, but it was simply wrong of your therapist to do this. If a friend did that to you, you would expect and deserve an explanation. In any business or professional relationship you would too (e.g. if got fired from a job and even if you deserved to get fired, the company has to legally give you an explanation). Also, there is a patients' bill of rights and though I don't recall the exact language, there's something about being treated with respect and being informed of all aspects of care. If you were seeing a heart surgeon and she suddenly said, go to another one, you would find that unacceptable. I think the same goes for mental health treatment too. Good luck in finding another therapist. There are many good ones out there.

[shes2smart]

I guess that is the reason I took it so hard--I thought of her as a girlfriend rather than someone who is just doing her job... That is what I have learned through observing my sister's relationship with her therapist: my sister loves her and calls her on a regular basis just to chat, and I guess that is the kind of help I expected, as well.

 

Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

 

As you're probably already figuring out, not all therapists have the same style. The one I was seeing on and off for the last 10+ years was no good at doing brief, targeted therapy. I knew anytime I went back to her office, it was going to be regular visits for at least a year.

 

Once we moved where we are now (about 150 miles away from where we used to live) I started having some career issues and had to find a therapist with a background in career coaching. Now, her strength is brief, targeted therapy. As soon as it was clear to both of us I was handling things well, she was practically pushing me out the door (in a good way). That never would've happened with my former therapist. She never suggested it was time to "walk without the crutch"....she always left that up to me figure out and bring up.

 

As for not realizing her actions may very well have had nothing to do with you, that's a really common thing....and it applies to any situation where you're dealing with other people. I can remember when I used to take every little thing people around me did SOOOOO personally and I wasted a lot of time feeling hurt and pouty because of all these imagined slights.

 

I was severely overestimating my overall importance to the big picture.

 

Most of the time people we know....even people close to us...choose to do things for reasons that have nothing to do with us or anything we did.

[avman]

I guess that is the reason I took it so hard--I thought of her as a girlfriend rather than someone who is just doing her job

 

That is probably a very dangerous assumption. Remember, what she is doing is her "work". And sometimes people just don't like what they are doing, or they need a change. It isn't personal - although I think she did a very poor job of explaining the reasons she needs to make the switch.

 

I had a lawyer do that to me in the middle of my case. He just up and decided he didn't want to do family law anymore and said I really should switch representation. However he did say if I insisted that he would stay on with the case. While I could understand him wanting to make a career change I was pretty upset that he decided to do it in the middle of my case instead of just not accepting new cases and finishing the ones he had already taken. Nonetheless I told him I'd find a new lawyer but I expected him to represent me until I had secured a suitable replacement. It wasn't personal, but it still messed me up and caused me a lot of inconvenience and stress.

 

If you believe she was really out of line, you could report it to your state/regional medical board and see if there is any action they can take.