Recent intimacy with a long time female friend......???

[DestructoBoy]

Hello to all!!

 

It's been a very long time since I've come here and I'm sure many of you wouldn't remember me or my plights. It was nice to see my account wasn't canceled. I greatly apologize for the length of this post in advance

 

I turned 30 last week and it was very rough leading up to my birthday. So many things I wish I would have accomplished or avoided but I realized it wasn't something I need dwell upon. It's just one of those landmark ages that I thought I would've been a lot more settled than I am. C'est la vie!!

 

That's not why I'm here though....last week a long time female friend of mine asked if she could take me out for drinks and dinner for my birthday(not uncommon). I said sure and we went to a really nice Irish Pub and had a blast. She had driven and picked me up, so upon her dropping me off at my apartment she asked if she could come in and sober up a bit (we were slightly inebriated)

 

She did and we went into my room to listen to music I had on my computer. We were laughing and having a great time and ended up kissing and one thing led to another. Two hours later (4:47am) (not the whole time kids!!) she said she had to go home for she lives on the other side of the valley from me and needed to get ready and drag butt into work.

 

I was miserably hung over the next day at work and ended up sitting in my office, door closed, thinking about the evening's events.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about this? She has been a good friend for years from a previous job. Nothing has ever happened between us, yet we did always have an attraction to each other. We were always involved in other relationships.

 

She called me the next evening and said she felt a bit awkward. I did too but didn't let on ensuring her that our friendship wouldn't change. She agreed and seemed a little relieved. So we yucked it up for a bit and got off the phone.

 

However, I have been having a hard time not thinking about her and our night together. It was very nice and comfortable, unlike many of my other escapades as of late with women I just met. I have always enjoyed her company and she is quite stunning. I KNOW I'm not ready for any serious involvement and from our conversation the next day she seemed to feel the same way. She said things that she was confused about such as: "Do I have to call you everyday now?" (I know, silly) and "Are we to start seeing each other?" "Does he expect more now?" etc, etc.....

 

So I just passed everything off as a one time excursion and we'd continue being the great friends we were; talking and seeing each other every so often.

 

She called me last night and totally shot down her earlier stated fears. I believe she enjoyed our time too and has also been confused. I'm leaving this Friday to visit my family in Ohio for the Fourth of July and will be gone for a week. So, she asked me if I could call her or come hang with her tomorrow night before I leave.

 

Here's the problem....I'm not sure that I want to get serious with her in the fear of hurting her or having a great friendship end???

 

I know this is long and seems more of a rant than a proposed question.

 

I'm hoping my old friend Avman will catch this and send his keen advice!!

 

It's great to know I can still come on here and anonymously gather unbiased input from some great people of all ages!!!

[xixilovergirlxixi]

this probably wont help you at all but i have know idea what to tell you. This sounds like to me a very complicated problem. I can understand that you dont want to end a friendship but do you like her enough to even think about maybe starting a relationship with her in the future?

[michelemybell]

Hi Destructo,

 

You sound very confused (obviously--You wouldn't be here telling us about your plight if you weren't). You like this woman, but then you dont want a relationship...or maybe you do?? I would tread carefully. A lot of women look at sex a lot differently than men, and as much as one says they are okay as "friends with benefits", feelings always seem to get involved. Sometimes good friendships are ruined because two people get intimately involved, and one can't figure out if they really want to be more than friends.

Honestly, there's not much advice that one can give you. Make up your mind now whether or not you want to pursue this as more of a friendship, and act accordingly. If she can't make up her mind either, then just be friendly...and please, no more getting intimate with her!!!!

[xixilovergirlxixi]

good advice better then what i gave him lol

[DN]

You don't have to treat this as anything that might lead to marriage and kids, or even anything serious. But there is no reason you can't move the relationship just a bit beyond just friends - in fact, you already did, but tried to move it back again.

 

Why don't you have a light and easy romantic relationship, with no promises, express or implied, and see where things go. Just make sure you are both on the same page about expectations or lack of same.

[avman]

I think you already said it:

 

I KNOW I'm not ready for any serious involvement

 

Well if you know that, then I'd say you shouldn't start a relationship

 

Of course, unless you really meant:

 

I KNOW I'm not ready for any serious involvement - unless the right person suddenly showed up in my life

 

My advice would be to be very open and honest with your friend. Talk through things so that both of your expectations are out there. The friendship can survive provided that neither person feels they were used or misled. It sounds like she is equally unsure about all this, so the best thing to do is to talk it all through.

 

Here is one thing I'll add though. When you say something like this:

I'm not sure that I want to get serious with her in the fear of hurting her

This is something that is ALWAYS a risk in a relationship. You can't use that line of thought or you'll never get serious with anyone. Being in a relationship requires you to risk hurt. It comes with the territory. Without any risk, the relationship will fail because you will have your defenses up.

 

Call your friend. Talk things through. And see where it leads.

[OceanEyes]

What are you afraid of? You said yourself that you've had more fun with her than most of the women you've spent time with lately, and that you've always been attracted to her. I don't believe that there are many chances in life to meet people who you really *click* with. If you see some potential here, then friendship is the best way to start off a relationship.

 

If I were in your position, I'd take things one step at a time and see what happens. If you two are truly compatible, then it's inevitable that something will evolve between you.

 

Like Avman said, fear of being hurt or hurting someone else is something that will occur in any relationship. I understand that you are friends with this woman, so you obviously wouldn't want to ruin the friendship or do something to hurt her. Then again, why pass up an opportunity to be with someone who you have a lot of fun with? I'd give it a chance, take things very slowly and see where it takes you. It might not be something you want to pass up.

[Laughing Sam]

This reminds me of the two times when friends became lovers. In the first instance we thought we were going slowly but every meeting would end up in the sack and it lasted about 2 months till we got to a position where we never saw each other again.

 

In the other case after the first time of swapping bodily fluids we didn't get up close and personal for about 5 dates, this way we knew, when we next had a night together, we both wanted it and were comfortable that the first time had not been caused out of drunken passion. We still meet, every day (married couples usually do).

 

Good luck.