Confused, cheating fiancee????

[UncertaininLA]

I was dating a girl for over a year and a half and in like any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have never been in love or had a serious relationship for that matter but I know that I feel in deep with her. I proposed to her on Christmas day this past year. A couple of weeks went by after I proposed and found out from a friend that she cheated on me. I confronted her and she totally denied it for 2 days. Finally, she confessed and a month or so later I found out that she actually had sex with the guy and not just messed around. Within a 4 month period she had kissed another guy and let a guy play with her. I had to find out by other people because she never told me. We are currently broken up again and she wants me back. She tells me that she has completely changed and how she doesn't want to be that person anymore. She wants to be with me and only me. This is my problem. If she truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, why risk loosing me by cheating. I don't know what to do because I don't know if I can ever trust her. Do people actually change????

[hoppy26]

pal i feel your pain. i am going through a similar situation. my advice to you is dont get your self involved again. i believe once a cheat always a cheat and if she did it once(she did it more) she'll most likely do it again.

your only setting yourself up for even more disaster and almost letting her get away with it. the cheater never really understands the true pain of the other person. feelings that cant be described in words. even though she said she has changed........i wouldnt take the risk. what has been done has been done and unless you can dig real deep and let ALL that go.

youll never be as happy as you deserve to be with this girl. sorry man,

it took me along time and still im working on releasing my pain caused by my ex. nobody deserves to be treated that way.

[bzborow1]

I agree totally with the previous poster. My fiance cheated on me and left so I do have a similar experience. The "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality seems almost impossible to get rid of. Why? Because right now she's starting to feel guilty about her actions, and thus right now she would not cheat. But what about years from now? Or the time she finally stops feeling guilty for cheating? Then it's right back to the same mentality. The same mentality that cheating is justified -- via a relationship problem and such.

 

In addition, for you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman you know you'll always have to walk on pins and needles with? Do you really want to be with a girl who, everytime you get into an argument, you've got to worry about whether or not she's going to cheat on you? Also, this cheating seems like it took place over a period of time, a period of time long enough to suggest she already thought over the consequences of her actions....

[mmackenna]

aww guys come on, that's harsh. I think that once a cheat always a cheat is true until that person grows up and starts realizing that the world doesn't revolve around he or she. Maturity will fix a lot of the cheating problem.

[DealingWithIt]

I think that if you get involved with her again, ask yourself and honestly answer this question: Would you trust her again?

 

Your heart may be telling you to give her another chance and believe what she's telling you which is she had change her ways but you have to use your head in deciding whether to get back to her. Are you willing to put your heart at risk knowing that she may cheat on you again?

 

I know for a fact that the saying, "Once a cheater Always a cheater " is true. My ex cheated on me and I didn't find out until two years later. Now that we broke up and he's with the other girl, he wants to hook up with me behind her back.

 

Good luck and I hope you will make the right choice

[hoppy26]

if and it has happened 3 times to date, you decide to cheat on me for whatever reason......that is it. there are no second chances. no excuses.

if you want to sleep with other people, tell the one your with that they are just not the one. dont go causing unrestless pain and confusion to the person who you supposedly love. my 2 cents. my father did it to my mother. i have every reason in the world to have a hate for people who feel infidelity is a way out of a bad relationship.

[Princess777]

Coming from a female point of view, she is the type of person who will never change. Show me one that has and I'll eat my keyboard. I know many females that have been like this for years. While no one can predict the future, I am a firm believer in the saying that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Always remember that and you won't go wrong. Actions show how much a person loves someone. Consider yourself truly lucky that you found out now, before you married her!!! You are obviously a great catch whom a marriage-minded woman would be thrilled to have, knowing that you have strong values for your marriage and take it seriously. Don't believe anything she says - she is a female Player and is no better than a man who does that to a woman. She's not worth the salt in your tears and was probably cheating on you a long time ago but never got caught. Just remember what goes around comes around and she'll get hers, in the end. Let yourself meet some new women and know that you are worth more than that!!! Believe me you will know it when you fall head over heels, there will be no doubts.

 

P777

[UncertaininLA]

She is 20 and I'm 25 so I really think that her immaturity is where it is coming from. It's just hard considering she is my first real love and I guess I want to try to "fix" things.

[Sara_M]

And like any habit, or addiction, it can be overcome, but it takes serious committed work and maturity.

 

I don't like general statements, because I believe there's exceptions to every rule -- so while the "once a cheat, always a cheat" idea has some basis in truth, it doesn't leave any room for those who might overcome those odds.

 

If someone cheated on me, I couldn't stay with them until they could give me a satisfactory answer as to HOW it happened. Not only that, but they would have to be able to tell me how they'd intend to prevent it from happening again in the future. That takes some serious self-analysis, or even professional counseling to come up with honest answers to those kinds of questions. In other words, "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it.

 

People who cheat are people who have dealt with things in the past that probably took place in secret. This creates a personality that falls easily into deceptive circumstances. They've already had lots of "training" in keeping their behavior hidden from discovery. There are many other signs that a person might cheat, including coming from a family where cheating has taken place.

 

I'm speaking from experience, I've been cheated on, I've also been a cheater and I've been the "outside person" who someone cheated with. I am not proud of any of this, but I will say that I have learned valuable lessons about life and relationships. I realize how destructive this behavior is, and never intend to participate in it again in the future. Not only do I realize how much pain it causes for all involved. It also doesn't give your primary relationship a fair break. It doesn't do anything to address the real issue -- what's causing you to feel neglected, or dissatisfied with your loved one. If you're truly unhappy -- it takes courage and maturity, but the right thing to do is talk about it. If you then decide to split up, you can do so with a clear conscience that you've done all you could do and you haven't caused anyone any unnecessary hurt.

 

People who cheat, are much like a drug addicts, or alcoholics. They need to recognize when they could be drawn into a possibly dangerous situation. Just like a drug addict shouldn't continue to hang around his friends who use, or it's not a good idea for an alcoholic to hang out in a bar, or even a pedofile to work with kids (ok, you get the picture).

 

A person who's not inclined to cheat can probably slow dance with someone they're attracted to, and not worry about it going any further. A cheater would be wise to avoid that situation or any situation where temptation could be too great. I think that might be part of the problem too. People who cheat get a thrill out of seeing how close they can get to the "flame" of cheating without getting burned. But are they being honest with themselves????

 

So, in answer to the original question, should you forgive your girlfriend? I think much honest discussion needs to be had between you. I was cheated on and I thought the "noble" thing to do was to forgive him and get on with our relationship. But, inside I was full of resentment, and ultimately our relationship was damaged beyond repair ... we split up a few years later. So, you'll need to take your time with this one before you decide what you ultimately want to do. But if you decide to get back together, let it be because you honestly feel this is the best person for you. Don't get back together because you're afraid to be alone, or are worried you'll never find someone else. IN other words, do some serious soul searching.

 

Hope this helps~

 

Sara

[bunchoflove]

I feel your pain as well. My fiancee tried to cheat on me once with one guy and then actually did with another. Later the cheating turned into an affair, where everytime things went wrong in the relationship she ran to him for sex and companionship. Here's what you do: leave. Seriously. Get out of the relationship. Make sure you explain to her/him why you're leaving and why betrayal is something that takes a long time to forgive. Give the relationship at least a break for one year with no contact. After a year if she really loves you she'll change and come back and really show you how much she's willing to do to have you back. If not, she never really loved you then, you'll be over things, and even already dating someone else. In other words, in the end, everybody wins. But like I said, get out of the relationship and give it a year with no contact. It will be very-very hard. Fight it. Stick to your guns and let her really realize what she has lost.

 

She's not going to change in one month or two. Also, make sure you make it very clear why your leaving so that there isn't any misunderstanding, like you're doing it to get back at her.

 

Cheaters are selfish people. They use people and don't really know how to love another person. They try to love people in their own way, but they also have a knack for knowing how to take advantage of inexperienced men. Ever notice this? Cheaters usually get with people who are suckers for their ways because we don't know any better. I was one of them. She was my first love, and I got way too serious way too fast.

 

Unless she really understands what she did that is wrong and really appreciates what she has lost, you're wasting your time being with her. She'll only hurt you more. Get out with your sanity and start looking for people with better traits. They're out there.

 

Also, keep in mind that the psychological problems attached to a cheater are way-way beyond your abilities. These people have serious problems and use sex as way to cope. Until those problems are professionally addressed, they WILL NOT CHANGE.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think her age may have a lot to do with it... she really may be too young to be engaged yet, and want to experiment a bit before marriage. but she really shouldn't do that while engaged to you. there is also lots of peer pressure at that age to go out and party, so her friends could be egging her on...

 

so i would just at a minimum take this as her being too young to get married... if you really love her and think this is immaturity, then there is no reason you can't date for a couple years to see if she really means what she says and is now ready to be faithful... but i wouldn't marry her anytime soon. marriage won't make her faithful or cure a roving eye, it usually makes people feel a bit trapped if they aren't 100% sure they did the right thing, so what could happen is an expensive and traumatic divorce if she's not really ready to settle down. so what a while, and see...

[Survictor]

If I were you, I would walk! You are preared to invest your whole life with a lady that cannot be loyal for even a short while?!!!! This ain't good!

[yeawutever]

LOL, if this was me not only would I walk away, but I would be running down the hill and also change my phone number, never contact her again, she's a loser.

[melrich]

i think her age may have a lot to do with it...

 

So may the age of this thread. Hopefully the OP has sorted the problem out after 3 and a half years.

[yeawutever]

Age? what an excuse, there are many young people like me or even younger that do NOT cheat, that do NOT give to temptations.

[Rabican]

I think its possible to change, but not likely. Theres 2 options here, one is that she is sorry and wants to make it up to you because she got caught. The other, is that now that she is losing you, reality kicks in and she realizes what a tool she was to lose you over some 'strange', and now she wants to fix things and be a good girlfriend.

 

Either kick her to the curb, or give her another chance. However, if you go for another chance, make her prove that shes on the up and up. Id be checking her phone, her emails (dont tell her) just tell her shes gonna have to live with you looking over her shoulder for a while, and see if shes ok with that. She should be willing to bend over backwards if she wants to make this right. And hold off on the marriage for a while.