Official Help Jamie and Sammy thread:

[SlipperySammy]

Hi my girlfriend and I are having some intimacy issues and we hope to find some cheap advice here. Here is a link to threads posted by each of us on the sex forum, but I think our problem might be more appropiate for this board. I hope by creating this thread my girlfriend and I will get some advice that will help promote dialoge between us. I also hope that we will be able to create a dialoge between our selves withing this thread...possibly the written word will increase our communication.

 

Here is a link to threads that we have both created in search of answers. If any one has extra time I would greatly appreciate the help! *note my thread is from Oct 04 so this has been a nagging issue.

 

Jammie's thread: link removed

 

My thread: link removed

 

Overall we are in big trouble. Our sex life is not healthy and we don't know a solution. I think we have a lot of potential, but not unless we can fix this. The longer we go on having problems, and the more fighting we have we just find it harder to come to a solution because of all of the negatives emotions that are currently coming with any thought of sex.

 

I am not sure if I should type the whole thing out or rely on people reading the links...I don't have alot of time now so maybe I'll leave it at this and I'll come back later to fill in any holes...especially if people are not taking the time to read the attatched links.

 

Thanks in advance for any one that is willing to take the time to help!

[coma]

I don't think I've ever seen an approach like this on this forum. Interesting. It almost seems like a reality TV show or something...

 

Sorry I don't have much advice to offer, but I'll definitely be reading along.

[RayKay]

I remember posting on one of your threads about this Sammy, and am sorry to see things are still difficult.

 

I just read your girlfriends thread, and it gave me some more perspective however.

 

I think you two really need to seek out counselling honestly, because if things are not changing despite you communicating with one another about it, I am concerned this may definitely be one of those issues that cannot be resolved without outside help.

 

Sexual intimacy and compatibility are both very important in a relationship, but it is clear that for you, sex has become more of a battleground and stressful issue than enjoyable and intimate.

 

Her being fearful of pregnancy with you indicates to me she is either not sure she is prepared for the possible consequences of sex with you, or she is not sure what YOUR reaction would be. I assume you have talked of these issues, but if you have not, you must. I really think that "what if I/you got pregnant" talk should come up, as there is ALWAYS a possibility. If she is even after conversations still very fearful, she may need to abstain, or seek some more counselling. Yes there is ALWAYS a chance, but I mean if she is on birth control pill for example AND you are also using condoms that chance is very *slight*. Happens yes, but not as likely by any means.

 

I wonder if she uses this fear to excuse herself from getting too close, I don't know though, and that is why an expert is best in this regard. While yes pregnancy is a possible outcome anytime you have sex with someone, an irrational fear despite precautions is not healthy and a signal maybe you are not ready for the responsibility of sex. Furthermore, an irrational fear can signal insecurity about the relationship itself.

 

And no, pressure on your part would not help, but it is also within your right to desire a healthy, satisfying sex life with the woman you love. I definitely don't think you are intentionally pressuring her by the posts, I think your intent is right, to communicate and want to know what is going on, but it is such a sensitive issue that the communication turns into a communication breakdown and fight which leaves everyone unhappy.

 

The only way to rid yourselves of all this is have a very good conversation on neutral ground and throw it all out there in a non-confrontational, non-judgemental manner. No critiques, no judging, no screaming or yelling. And you both need to determine how important this issue is for your short and long term happiness and what you are willing to do about it - is counselling and therapy an option for you individually or both of you together? A therapist can help create a neutral environment for you to rebuild and discuss.

[SlipperySammy]

As usual RayKay your posts are very helpfull, well written, and informative.

 

One clarification is that when we fight there is not really any screaming and yelling, pretty much me talking and her taking every thing in. She has a problem talking about the issue and often just responds with a frustrating tearfull "i am sorry." This leaves me wondering what she is thinking...hopefully this thread will help but yes I agree counselling is a good idea.

 

We were 'talking' today and I mentioned that among otherthings I thought she was sexually consertive and that after or during fixing the pressure issue she needs to find her sexuality, or atleast increase her feelings that sex is normal and healthy. Maybe this isn't possible...maybe after a person has sexual expectations they can't be changed, I don't know. Any way her answer to this is, "This all makes me feel like I am not good enough."

 

I don't know what else to say, I mean after having this issue for lso ong I can't figure out why she can't give me more then that. I mean her not being 'good' enough isn't the issue. We are on the verge of breaking up and I am trying to find a common ground. I don't want to make her feel like she isn't good enough but I feel expecting some compromise and work on her part is normal on my part.

 

She gets so worked up over little things. Lets say for example during foreplay I said somthing particular felt really good, or that I would like a certian thing...(nothing strange lets just say rubbing a certain spot.) She instantly goes into this anxiety mode were she wonders if she is doing a bad job, a bad job in the past, what am I thinking, etc...when in reality I am just thinking it would feel good to have her rub a certain way. In teh end she gets so freaked out she gets turned off.

 

I don't know... counselling probably is the only solution, because I don't know if I am looking at this the right way, and I am probably only making matters worse.

 

I have suggested counselling in the past, and even got out the yellow pages in search of one...but I don't what is a good one, and she said they wouldn't do any thing to help, (she wants to ignore the problem.)

 

I wanted to look at books that could help at the book store and after not finding one under the relationship section she would barely even look under the sex section. She is completyl turned off by any aspect of sex or the word sex. If the 'talk sex with sue' show comes on she is like "sick!" and turns the channel...yes a Grandma talking about sex is gross but I think she is more grossed out by the frank discussion of sex.

 

I am ranting at this point...I have home work to do.

 

Thanks for the hep!

 

PS does any one have a title of a book that might help us?

[RayKay]

I don't have much time so will keep this short...

 

Going by the reactions to sex you have just described, there is far more at play here than a fear of pregnancy, that is for sure. I don't think it is fair for her to dismiss counselling without every having gone for this issue though, and honestly, if she is wanting to work things out between you and create a healthy mutually satisfying relationship, it is something that I do think she may have to do. It is definitely not healthy to see sex (even if Dr Sue is talking about it!) as sick or disgusting.

 

 

I hope she will realize that ignoring the problem will not make it go away, and it cannot be expected that you will also ignore the problem indefinitely. Problems have a habit of growing unless we confront them early on...I think she is trying to run away from the issue, despite her post here, though I am not sure why she is running away. Honestly, only she likely knows.

[HajiMaji]

Sadly, it looks like the ball is in her court. You are putting 100 percent effort into fixing this problem and shes not. I understand shes got hang ups with sex and its hard for her to talk about, but ultimately shes going to have to be brave enough to face them or you two will break up.

 

I also think counselling is a good idea. Also - maybe try to be more emotional during sex. She is afraid how you will view her, so mabye if you constantly shower her with supportive words she will feel comfortable.

 

Maybe tell her how good shes doing and how much you love it. After sex tell her how much you enjoyed it. Its hard to transform her thoughts on sex from negative to positive, but more support and care might help.

[SlipperySammy]

Last night she read the thread I posted above for the first time. When I wrote that I never intended her to ever read it, but I figured if she read it it might help us. After reading it she cried and said she can't keep doing this to me....and that she needs to 'let me go'

 

I don't want to break up with her, I can't imagine a life with out her. Maybe she wants to 'let me go' but doesn't have th ecourage to do it. I don't know...I love her very much and hope we can fix this. I think she will be home from work some time soon and hopefully post here.