I think I'm way too needy because of another couple.

[xmrth]

I've always known I'm a "needy" girlfriend, but didn't realize just how needy I am until now that I really sit down and think about it.

I am friends with another couple and they both do EVERYTHING together-- they don't even hang out alone with anyone with out eachother. Since being around them I've gotten it in my head that this is right, and now I'm needy in other areas that I wasn't before.

Am I right to feel these ways, or am I really as needy as I think I am? How can I settle down and not be so needy?

 

My needy problems are these:

 

I always feel like my boyfriend has to do EVERYTHING with me now-- see me each and every single day, bring me out with him everywhere he goes-- everywhere. Call me non-stop, take me out when he's having a "guys night out."

The couple I'm friends with has these set-times they call eachother and are always in touch, they go everywhere together, they're so dependent on eachother... they haven't even been going out as long as us (we've been going out 3 times longer than them-- over 5.5 years) and are younger than us and are engaged!! (we are not going to be married until I'm out of college and we're both settled financially into a career-- I believe this is smart! But now I'm feeling like we should be engaged. The other couple doesn't even have jobs or money for daily necessities!)

 

Just being around this other couple so much and hearing about what they do-- neither of them have jobs so they're always around eachother, very dependant on eachother, I feel like this is how MY relationship is supposed to be, even though they annoy me with the fact that they don't have lives outside the relationship.

 

I think if I had other couple friends I'd know the differences and not be so influenced that being entirely 100% dependent on the significant other is how it's supposed to be. My boyfriend is definitely there for me, but I can't get it out of my head that he's supposed to have his life revolve around me! The couple I'm friends with are very nice people... but being around them is tampering with my perception of what is right for me/us.

 

Can other people please share their relationship routines with me? Such as when you usually get in contact with your bf or gf (such as, whenever you can, sometimes miss a day, or all the time) or when you see eachother and what you do with or without them? I think I've got to know about other relationships so I know that everyone's is actually different. Because my mind just doesn't work the right way with these things.

[Jetta]

Okay the other couples relationship is very unhealthy. I'm suffocated just reading about it. I mean geez you can be in love and still have a life outside your relationship. You really need to have independent activities.

 

Okay so that really isn't helpful, but don't think they're the ideal couple by any means. The flame that burns hard burns out. They may be engaged but it's unlikely to last.

[xmrth]

I completely agree with you on that one. But just being around them influences me and makes me feel like my relationship with my boyfriend should be that way. It drives me crazy and I feel like the worst person because of it.

It influences me like that because they are my ONLY couple friends. I don't know any other couple like I know them.

I've actually talked to my boyfriend about it. Not comparing us, just telling him "they never do anything without the other" and things like that, just talking and not trying to talk mean, just mentioning because he's never met them. He tells me "they're not right" for it.

[xymox]

I really don't think that couples relationship is healthy either. People need to have separate lives. It's one thing to want to do things together sometimes, but not ALL the time. Let's say one of them decides one day that they need space and leaves, what is the other person going to do? I felt like that with my ex, I wanted to spend alot of time with him and would get upset when he hung out with his friends without me. Well he did end up leaving, he even told me one day he can't deal with me depending on him so much. He didn't break up with me just because of that, there were other issues of his own, but I felt so miserable when he broke up with me and felt like I couldn't live without him at the time. I would think a couple would miss each other more when they are not around each other so much. It's good to be missed.

[lady00]

I agree with the other posters...a loving relationship leaves room for each person to be an individual...in fact, that's what makes a relationship so great...that each person has something different to bring to the table and tha the time apart gives you something to look forward to, something to miss and appreciate. I think you are on the right track by recognizing that you are too needy...now you need to put that realization into practice. One possible step is to cut back on the time you spend with this other couple. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends, but maybe you should spend less time with them and more time by yourself and with other friends so you can start to fully enjoy your life as an individual. Try to remember all the things you got excited about before your bf, all the friends you had fun with, all the activities you did...and try to reconnect with those things. This will only enhance your relationship with your bf and more importantly, it'll make you appreciate how much fun you can have independently of him.

[Hope75]

I agree that this other couple is way too smothering with one another. In order for a relationship to be healthy you need to have time away from one another to pursue separate interests as well.

 

While I see my bf often (we live together) we each have designated nights were we go and do our own things with our own friends, and then a night where we go together to hang with friends as well. It really balances us out and gives us things to talk about, and helps us to appreciate the times we are together.

 

Part of loving someone is respecting their need to have time apart, and your own need to have "me" time on a regular basis as well.

 

If you suffocate your bf you are likely to drive him away. It's not normal and it's not healthy either.

[xmrth]

Thank you for all these responses. I do feel better about my own relationship knowing that theirs may be unhealthy. I feel happy that me and my own boyfriend don't spend so much time together like they do because our spark can die-- and our spark has lasted so long so I definitely don't want it to die!

I'm glad that I posted this when I did because the girlfriend was asking me if I wanted to hang out-- but it HAD to be during the day because they hang out together after the boyfriend gets out of work because now he has a job (I mentioned they didn't have jobs-- I didn't know he got a job now, so I'm just correcting that-- news to me) and so I asked her "well how's about afterwards? How late does he hang out at your house (doesn't live alone, they both live with parents, they've just turned 18 and the other is 19) and she said "oh I can't... we hang out from 3PM-12AM after he works every day.

So basically this guy isn't even seeing his own family!

If I hadn't written this, I would have felt like crap all this morning continuing on into the day wondering why MY boyfriend doesn't see me for hours and hours after he works.

[RayKay]

Honestly, what that other couple is doing is NOT healthy. Dependence is NOT healthy....strive for interdependency, not codependency!

 

Trust me, one day one or both of them will realize they feel smothered, trapped, whatever and it will come back to haunt them when they realize they have nothing BUT each other.

 

They are 18 and 19 right now, and I can almost guarantee that in 4 years, one of them will all of a sudden want out of a rather early marriage when they need to go "find themself" and learn how to "be on their own" when they see their friends of similar ages doing the same.

 

I honestly really doubt it will last.

 

Couples need time APART - it is healthier for the invididual AND the relationship! That does not mean you never do things together, just that you respect each others needs to do your own thing...even when you only want to do everything together, it is best to get that alone time anyway, it really does reinvigorate the relationship and allow you to keep your identity and individuality. There is no need to feel "trapped" when you do have the space to pursue your own self.

 

My boyfriend and I live together so obviously do spend a bit of time together, but we still get our time apart. We sometimes train together (I race mountain and road bikes, he does adventure racing and some bike racing too so go to gym, ride together, do yoga etc) and some times apart, we see our friends independently, sometimes together, he travels for work or races alone at times, sometimes we go to events together, sometimes we camp together, sometimes apart....we have date nights together, and sometimes on Saturday we are in different places from one another.

 

We absolutely love doing things together and are together very often, but we realize that we cannot be dependent on one another for our own happiness either, and should not give up the other things we love in our lives for one another including our hobbies, family, and friends.

 

It's all about balance. If you have faith in the strength of your relationship, and in each others love, then that need to spend every moment together (often out of insecurity) is replaced by a healthy respect for your partners individuality, and the support that they pursue their passions and life on their own sometimes!

[xmrth]

Thank you for your comment, RayKay.

This really has been driving me crazy. The girlfriend says things like "love is all that matters" and things like that, and will ask me things about my own relationship. She doesn't put mine down and doesn't compare, but when she asks me, it makes ME realize that "wow.. no me and my boyfriend aren't like that." And it makes me feel like that's how it's supposed to be.

 

Would you say my relationship is healthy, if you don't mind me asking?

My boyfriend works and goes to school during the week, so unless he's miraculousely not tired he'll come over (and we live 30 minutes away, so that's 1 hour driving distance, and he always has to come here because his house is rather small and we have no privacy from his parents. They like having their house for family. My boyfriend's sister is the same way with only inviting people in to say hello, they do not stay, so it's nothing personal towards me. Just so you know why my boyfriend is the one who has to do the hour worth of driving.)

We always see eachother on Friday and Saturday nights, and it isn't for too long. Probably 10 hours a week we see eachother (5 hours a day for 2 days-- and now that I no longer work Saturdays we plan to off and on spend much longer than that depending on if he has to work, so that's variety right there), unless he's able to stop by during the week. He has his own friends and does his own things but not for as long as the roughly 10 hours a week we see eachother, but I've for the most part, just got this couple. He is always HAPPY for me that I go out since I have NO friends other than them and it makes me feel good, so why can't I be okay with him going out? I work Sundays, which is a full day he's got off. SO that day I think is good for him to hang out and be lazy and see his friends, go to the gym. This is a GOOD day for him to have, is this right?

It does not feel like we only see eachother 10 hours a week. I actually like it-- but like my post says, now my couple friends make me feel like he's supposed to be seeing me every day! And he's tired, he works so much. I hope I haven't given him too rough of a time over it. I still feel like it wasn't too long since I've seen my boyfriend even for 6-7 days apart as long as I can get in touch with him over the phone-- which is another thing because usually he goes straight to bed and since the couple always gets in touch and has set times to talk, it makes me think that's how we are supposed to be and since we've been together for over 5 1/2 years, we've already talked and talked on the phone, and i know he's confident I'm always here for him, but now I've lost confidence and all the poor guy is doing is resting and believe me, I like that he's got priorities.

I hope I'm not rambling-- I guess I don't know how to explain how our relationship is.

Basically he's not afraid that I do my own things, and he does his own, but the couple made me feel neglected even though my boyfriend still sees me more than anyone else and never chooses his friends over me unless his friends who are in the war come home on leave.. because they could die when they go back.

 

I never tell him "no, you need to see me" (thank goodness) but I sure do feel that way. This post made me feel okay about it at least. Just knowing that's not healthy.

[RayKay]

xmrth - I know from past posts you have had some troubles in terms of how much your boyfriend spends time with you. I think you need to not just think of it in terms of how much he spends with you, but how time he spends with you in light of how time he actually has available!

 

It is obvious he is very busy with work and school, and studying that comes along with that. There is only so much time he can give to someone else in light of that, but he gives it to you, correct?

 

I dated someone for a few years who like your boyfriend was very busy, and we only saw one another once a week...but it was healthy, he loved me, and I him (he died a couple years ago so it did not end as it was a bad relationship or something). He gave me the time he could, and I knew he MADE time for me.

 

I think from your description your boyfriend DOES make time for you...I mean 10 hours a week might not seem like much to some, but if he only has 15 or 20 "free" hours anyway, and still needs to eat, study and well, relax, is it really that insignificant?

 

Do you feel like he puts you as a pretty important person to him in your life? When you are with him, how does he make you FEEL I guess is the question I am posing here.

 

I think you need to evaluate how important it is to you to have a partner who can spend tons of time with you, over one who is trying to make a better life, and someone who wants to get married right NOW, as opposed to someone who wants to wait a while until things are settled in their lives. It is hard as I know you have been with him a long time, and while you were both growing up, so it can be harder to evaluate what you have over other experiences as you don't have many more, so you need to really go by how you feel about things and how he feels about you.

 

I think you have what most busy people have, you are both trying to make the best of what time you do have...some people are busier than others, some are less busy, but all adapt to their own lives and make the best of what they do have. Yes there are some examples where little time may mean little interest for the partner, but that is certainly not true for all cases.

 

I really hope you don't let your girlfriends comments or their relationship get to you, I really do think they are making the typical mistake many of the inexperienced and young do and that is to lay everything into each others basket basically...so that they are dependent on one another. When one finally decides to have a night out with the boys alone for example, all hell breaks loose as the other feels it is the "end" and so on...her saying "love is all that matters" also points to her naivety. Love DOES matter very very much, don't get me wrong, but with experience you learn that when it comes to relationships it takes more than love to create a healthy, long term partnership. All you need to do is look around these boards to see that it takes more than love alone to create a healthy relationship. Despite their engagement, I can almost also guarantee with her comments that they have NOT discussed the big issues like finances, division of labour, and so on. If she does not have a job, I guarantee it won't take too long either before he feels she is slacking off and mooching away.

[xmrth]

You have no idea how much relief you gave me by that comment- thank you so much. I don't know why I am this type of person-- I learn entirely the wrong way and compare my life too much which is how I get to thinking that things are going wrong when they are not.

 

You are right about the quality of time rather than quantity-- and believe me when Iwas typing that out that we only spend 10 hours a week, I got really depressed wondering if that's a bad thing or not. We have the best time, and because he's so tired, we spend it here-- but I choose staying here over going out because it's just so much fun. We laugh, joke, watch TV, play video games, talk about our week-- the usual couple things I'm sure, but I feel like it's always special and I think he feels the same. We do go out, too, just so we're not stuck inside. Since we don't see eachother for too long then it's usually going out for nice drives, walks, catching a movie, shopping, and things that don't take too too long as he's got to get home and get rest.

 

He definitely gives me the time, even during the week. Sometimes, maybe twice in the past month he's not gone to work and chose to stay home and rest. That was when I felt intensely that he "should see me" so I asked him "please come over, I want to see you." when before I would be "oh okay, rest up" and he actually drove all the way here all tired. I feel like such a jerk for that now as I think of it. But I guess it's good to look back on just to know that him being tired isn't anything personal with me because he actaully drove all the way here during rush hour so it took forever for the poor guy.

 

I think you need to evaluate how important it is to you to have a partner who can spend tons of time with you, over one who is trying to make a better life, and someone who wants to get married right NOW, as opposed to someone who wants to wait a while until things are settled in their lives. It is hard as I know you have been with him a long time, and while you were both growing up, so it can be harder to evaluate what you have over other experiences as you don't have many more, so you need to really go by how you feel about things and how he feels about you.

 

This makes me appreciate our relationship so much. I would rather have a better life and be ready financially than to rush into marriage and not -really- be ready financially and having grown up a couple years in our 20's at the least. It sounds like he's interested in marriage at 25/26, and I'm thinking that's good because I'll be out of college for 2-3 years by then, my college bills will be payed off farily well by then if not all, and I will be settled into a career as well as him.

 

I look around the boards so much-- and it's funny because last night I read a bunch of them about people breaking up because the girlfriend is too controlling (which is what I started to feel like). I'm just happy I made this post and read those.. I think I've saved our relationship just in the nick of time before I started to voice my feelings to him and then really mess things up. Because I have talked to him about it so much, but see, I finally stopped and we've put that in the past and can just forget about it. I was thinking of saying something to him tonight but I'm just so excited to NOT say anything, and just let him be (like saying "I was thinking, we only see eachother 10 hours a week!"). I know he'll appreciate it.

 

Thanks so much for your comment back to me!

 

-edit-

that... is very long, I'm sorry >.

[RayKay]

Glad to have helped xmrth,

 

And I really wish the best for you, and you both as a couple