Still Need Your Support and Advice

[danimal77]

Hello Guys and Girls,

 

It's Danimal here. Like all of you, I'm still hanging in there. I'm on day 12 of No Verbal Contact and day 38 of no physical contact...

 

I'm still absorbing what I learned about on Sunday, as most of you probably already know about...

 

I am trying to keep myself busy as much as possible for now, but I will admit that the temptation (to contact her) is ALWAYS there, but what stops me now is thinking about My OWN self-respect and if it were someone else who would have done this to me, that temptation wouldn't even be there, so why should she be any different? She shouldn't...

 

Changes are occurring in me. I see things for what they are today and I have little to no regrest or guilt in relation to what I did, or didn't do this last half a year or so..

 

I try and block out the thoughts of him (her ex) and how she went back to him RIGHT away and ditched me complelety as soon as she did and the other guy (LD New Jersey guy), who she MUST have been in constant contact even when she came back to me, even though she told me that SHE cut all contact!!! She was lying to herself, not only to me...

 

Right now, I still have her things in MY appartment and I really don't want to keep them for much longer. She hasn't claimed them yet. We have NO mutual friends. Certain friends of mine, know certain friends of hers, but NO one who is close enough to drop this off...AND SO, I don't know how to really handle this situation? I don't want to contact her. I don't want her to think that I am looking for a reason to contact her and speak to her, because I can't stand to hear her voice, knowing what I know, no matter how sweet is may sound on the surface...BUT, I want her stuff out of here...

 

I also have the money issue to contend with, but I will be putting that off for another few weeks. Up until Sunday, I has ALL intentions to call her and advise her of my plans, but that changed for me right then and there. I'm not going to do what I did in February, by meeting up to pay off my debt. I don't want her to see me and more importantly, I don't want to see her and this is the first time in years that I've actually said it...It would hurt and anger me to much to see this cute little pretty girl, who made me laugh like no other woman has and understood me like no other person ever has and KNOW how cruel and deceiptful she was, with NO signs of remorse AT ALL. For that reason, I CAN'T see her..So, checks in the mail....

 

For now, her ex lives only blocks from where I live. He lives in my old neighborhood, meaning, they must go to all the same parks together that we use to go to and all the same restaurants...Doesn't this confuse or hurt her, or is she not capable of even caring one way or another? I think I have the answer to that one...

 

Thanks for listening guys and girls,

 

Danimal

[PlayBrat]

Hey Dan...

 

I hope you are doing ok....it sounds like you know where you're heading...and are doing what you can to get there. That's VERY important.

I hope you realize your ex is probably the type who just can't be alone..even if it means she is in an abusive relationship.

Quick story...In my early twenties, I dated this guy for a few months, and we broke up, for whatever reason. I took things REALLY personally UNTIL I saw him with someone else...It was this beastly looking chick. Not that I was Miss America..but DAMN!! lol All this time I visualized him with someone at LEAST better looking than me...anyway, until THAT point my imagination made things worse for me than they REALLY were..until I had to see it for myself. After that the thought of him disgusted me. Maybe thats a similar feeling you're having now.

I too am on Day 7 of NC...It's tough but I know it's the best thing for ME. We can help each other through this..one day at a time

Take care of yourself

[chai714]

I am trying to keep myself busy as much as possible for now, but I will admit that the temptation (to contact her) is ALWAYS there, but what stops me now is thinking about My OWN self-respect and if it were someone else who would have done this to me, that temptation wouldn't even be there, so why should she be any different? She shouldn't...

 

 

This is a good mindset you have, Dan. Self-respect is the gateway to having high self-esteem. Breakups, breakdowns, or whatever you want to call them can shake us all. You appear to have enough self-respect to not call her right now, which is a very positive thing. Most would not be strong enough not to call their ex at this point. But since you're becoming somewhat of a "veteran" when it comes to handling this situation, you basically KNOW the ins and outs of what you should to and what you should not do.

 

Keeping yourself busy, doing the things YOU enjoy in life, and going through your emotions are all providing the psychological nourishment you need. It's impossible to "try to not think" about something, as thoughts in the human mind occur naturally. This is why preoccupying yourself with things you enjoy is a healthy prescription. You can always PM me if you need.

[benevolent]

Why the constant back and forth routine? One day you talk and remind us over and over that you are over her, that you have your self-respect, that "you are DANIMAL!" and this whole saga is all in the past now. Yet, despite all this talk, you always come back to something that ultimately connects you back to your ex. Why? It makes no sense. Look it's simple:

 

SHE DUMPED YOU 6 TIMES.

SHE SLEEPS WITH & MANIPULATES ANY GUY THAT SHE CAN CONTROL.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU.

SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

SHE IS NOT WORTH IT.

SHE WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP!

 

Give it up man! Geez!!!!!!!!

 

Instead of the confidence and "changes" that you claim, I've seen nothing but a showcase of some major insecurity issues and weakness. Sure, what she did in being involved with all these guys is horrible, but the fact that you are still even tempted to contact her is ridiculous! Maybe (and that's a very slight maybe) if you guys had a strong, loving, caring, honest and NORMAL relationship on both sides, I could see where you are coming from. But this was 6 TIMES!?!?!?! Most people would move on after the first time! Do you understand that? Don't treat this reply as someone who shouldn't tell you what to do and this is your life crap - fine it is. But when things are just so blatantly obvious and wrong it's amazing how people are just blind to all of that.

 

Who cares about the parks and restaurants - especially with someone like her? That's just part of the process of breaking up and anyone that has gone through this before should know that already. That doesn't mean though that you should worry about what is going to happen or if she will have any emotion towards it. There are plenty of other places where you can create new memories which you can have again if you eliminate the thought of this woman from your system.

 

Now there is this new revelation of her possessions being in your apt. Here we go again. Why don't you burn them or toss them in the trash. If your 'honor' is an issue them put them in a box or bag and give it to one of your friends that knows one of her friends. Simple. No pondering. Done. Why you drag this on so much is so pathetic to read. Your excuse is that these friends aren't close enough to drop this off? What kind of crap is that? Ever hear of asking a friend for a favor? It's not like you are asking this person to help you move or paint your house.

 

Don't confuse your changes for a temporary conditioning of the mind. You always talk of changes, but in the end if always comes down to the same things - thinking about contacting her, her, her, her!!! Don't you think that's enough? It's great that you've done NC for 12 days, but it is going to be a long road ahead for you. Probably longer than normal because of the "Groundhog Day" nature of your relationship. Again, you may want to seek therapy because that's a good chunk of time to waste on someone who was not worth it. You are going to need a major overhaul, especially if you plan on having future relationships that DO NOT involve your ex. Talk about baggage...you will be carrying in the whole Samsonite factory into a new relationship if you don't work on getting back on track mentally and emotionally.

 

My ex and I have been apart for about 1.5 years (maybe more since I don't even think about it) and I haven't talked or seen her is in roughly that same time frame. Will there be hard times? Of course. Will it get better. Absolutely. Within the last year or so I started dating again. I met some really nice people, but because of how I re-examined certain aspects of my self, particularly with what my needs and wants are, I am able to see things in a different light. That doesn't mean that I was a jerk in the past, far from it. But it does mean that awoke some dormant parts of my self and put to rest some others. All in all, I believe I am a person that has grown for the better and that has been projected onto others as I have made many new relationships.

 

Anyway, it still boggles the mind but serves as good fodder for the forum. I wonder though, was this your first 'real' girlfriend? Have you had prior long term committed relationships? If so and have gone through breakups, then why is this so hard to let go or deal with?

[CarterJonas]

However cute, funny and understanding she was, she is not the same person now to what she was when she was with you. It's tough, I know, but things will get better.

 

Moving on will be hard, but putting your energies into something else except the ex helped me when I was in your situation a while back. In the end we make it through and learn things on our way, which will hopefully make our next relationship better and stronger.

 

Not what you want to hear at the moment but there are plenty of cute, funny girls out there, who given the chance will get to know you just as well as your ex did.

 

hang in there, things get better

[danimal77]

Thanks for the kind words and support Carter and Chai, as always, thank you for yours as well...

 

I'm hanging in there!

 

Danimal

[CarterJonas]

You'r welcome

[kate111]

Get rid of her phone number and connections to her. Give them to a trusted friend so you don't reach for them in your weak moments.

 

You need to reclaim your own life back and create a future without her.

 

Get rid of all reminders. This should be your first step now that you have made the decision that she is not worth having in your life.

[alphonsefa]

Wow Dan,

 

I would've responded earlier but I've been living at work, doing 60+ hours. This reminds me of the first time my Ex left me. We had discussed marriage, having a baby, and buying a house together. Out of the blue, she leaves me to go back to her Ex abusive boyfriend. To show a window into how cold this woman can be, here is an excerpt from the letter she sent me:

 

I didn't plan any of this - it unfolded, as you say, while I was seeing all the things I worked so hard for with him. I never led you on - I wore my heart on my sleeve at all times, letting you know everytime I thought of him when we were together. And in the end, whether I got back with him or not, it was not fair to keep having such feelings for someone else while I was with you. So contrary to your put-down of me not being a strong person, worthy of any kind of respect from you, my leaving you was the strongest thing I could have ever done. I did it out of respect for you, because you deserve someone who will give you 110%. I was smart enough to realize that all the flip-flopping I was feeling and showing was not normal. I was trying and hoping that my thoughts of him still were just transitional and I would go away, but they didn't. I kept trying to convince myself that I could just "snap out of it" like you demanded. But I couldn't. And now no matter how soon the "invitable", that you so insultingly warn me of, comes - I will have lost you forever. If that's not strength of character then I must be a total phony. And maybe that will appease your sense of vengence for "using" you. You were used, but not intentionally. I have nothing but the utmost appreciation and gratitude for your kindness, generosity, and genuine caring for me. I will always remember how special you made me feel, but I was not secure. If I had feelings for him now, what would I have done after you proposed?

 

The guy she writes about, physically abused her, pushed his way into her Parent's house and trashed it, sued her 2 brothers because they beat him like the dirt ball he is, when they found out about the physical abuse. In addition, she had 2 abortions while she was with him, that have scarred her beyond anything I or anyone else can do to fix her.

 

Dan, I felt like my soul was ripped out. In fact, as long as she is in my life, it's something that I will never be able to forget. It's also the reason why I haven't and won't contact her again, after she broke 3 1/2 months of NC. Dan, your Ex like mine is just plain bad news. The only solice I take from both out experiences is that they are going to make any guy they are with as unhappy as we were. Their behavior towards us had absolutely nothing to do with us. It didn't matter whether you showed emotion around her, or was clingy or needy, that's all BS stuff. Had you acted another way she would've found something else to not be happy with. These women are broken. They are the definition of self destructive behavior. It doesn't matter if they are with us or someone else, they will sabotage the relationship eventually.

 

I don't want to be with a woman for which I have to strategize my conversations, my phone calls, and my interactions with her. People on here that are doing that are setting themselves up for big disappointment. Here's the bottom line. Be yourself, act naturally, and never be afraid to tell someone how you feel about them. If they take your words and feelings, and use them against you, they aren't someone that you should devote any more time or emotion on. These are not only the wrong women for us Dan, these are the wrong women for ANYBODY. These relationships are always about them, never about the other person. You just can't get love from someone that cares only for themselves. These women will hurt you in the blink of an eye, and hurting someone so easily just doesn't fall under my definition of what true love is about.

 

Yes I wanted her, yes I wanted a family with her, and yes I would've given the world for her. But look what these women have done. They took good relationships and mangled them to a point where they can never be fixed again. Even though my Ex called, and obviously misses me, and obviously wants back. This girl would've never called to just see how I was, It was her way of opening the door again. But with that being said, nothing has changed, she hasn't changed, and neither will yours ever change. These are lost causes Dan. These women are in patterns of destructive behavior. They are like whirl pools that slowly suck you into their psychosis. Someone who loves you should build you up, not tear you down every chance they get. It hurts Dan, but I don't want her anymore, not like the way she is. Short of a complete epiphany on her part, I don't want someone who can't commit to me totally. Let her go for good, like I have vowed to do this time. I appreciate all of your advice and caring, and don't want to see this woman who has caused you nothing but pain, remain in your life. Good luck dude, it's your call, but these 2 women are broken!

[danimal77]

Hi Kate,

 

Nah, I have FULL control over myself nowadays. Actually, I've had full control for over myself for the last 8-9 months, but even more so the the last 6 months and ESPECIALLY after what I found out on Sunday...

 

The temptation is one of habit, more than it is of necessity....

 

In all the time I've known my ex, I've never had this typs of feeling before and that being one of complete and utter contempt for her. I KNOW I am worth more than this....SO MUCH MORE.....

 

I never thought I would have a breaking point in all the years I've known her. Sure, I have gotten stronger in the last 6 months, but now, it's just different. It's just no turning back for me....

 

I'm glad I found out what I did...When I thanked her 2 and a half weeks ago for showing me her true colors and she laughed it off, telling me she doesn't care, well, I feel the same way today. A man can only take so much.....

 

For the first time, I will consider the checks I send her in the mail, as if it were truly a business transaction and really mean it....

 

Even if she came crawling back to me (she won't), I wouldn't even want her back knowing what I know...Even as a friend. She is not in my league..How I couldn't realize this before? Well, at least I do now....

 

I hope she is happy with the bed she has made...I know I am...I'm still going strong!!!!

 

Danimal

[brando]

Hey Danimal, sounds like your doing better...anger has subsided and your focusing on the most important person in your life YOU!!!!

 

 

Hang in their...

[danimal77]

Yes indeed Brando, yes indeed! Numero Uno is Right Here!!!!