He rarely initiates it!!!!

[miscom]

I don't even know how to begin. Ok - it is not like I want it every night or anything, but I think every two nights is good. One of the problems is, I always have to initiate the act. I give him a full body massage turning erotic, or touch him all over and kiss him all over...put my mouth all over. Stuff like that. When and if he does initiate it, it is either him putting my hand on him or the obligatory sounding (b/c it has gone past the every two nights and he knows I will be getting upset soon), "We having sex tonight?" Let me tell you - neither one of these little tactics are doing it for me. I actually have to ask him to touch me there or kiss me there. I don't feel as though this is something I have to ask for. I don't think the art of love making consists of him lying back and being totally taken care of ALL THE TIME.

I have talked to him repeatedly about this. I have told him that I sometimes want him to just tear into my clothes and other times I want him to take his time and touch and really take all of me in... you know what I mean? I want to feel desired. Wanted.

He has said to me, "You want it all the time and when I finally do want it, you find some way to mess it up!" This, I guess, was due to the fact that I did not want to start the same ol' way and finish the same ol' way. I said something - ok not perfect timing - but whatever.

I have told him that I have begun to feel as though he did not find me sexually attractive, that I began to wonder if he wanted someone else, or if he was bored with our sex. I cannot imagine the latter being true since he is ALWAYS VERY taken care of. I asked him if he thought that we were just two different people where that is concerned and he said maybe and that it might not be a bad thing. I asked him if he still desired me and all that - he claims yes and feels bad that he lets me down. He works two jobs, but always finds time to be on the Internet (not porn - a forum for his one MAJOR hobby).

Here is what I am thinking - he thinks I put too much importance on sex. Ok - as of late, sure I guess I have. However, in my defense: 1) sex is up there in importance to me - not at the top, but it has its rank. and 2) If he did show that he wanted or desired me by touching me and kissing me and simply having fun during sex, maybe I would not crave it as much (the feeling). Any thoughts?

[The_Doc]

OK -- been here but in your shoes and messed it up big time. Probably contributed to the end of the relationship as well.

 

OK he's tired, he does fancy you but constantly telling him you want it and are not satisifed are just putting him under more and more pressure. Don't make conflict out of it.

 

Advice -- don't initiate anything for a while. Back off a bit. By all means look sexy but don't tell him you want sex, don't tell him you are feeling horny etc. Don't do anything. If he asks 'so are we having sex tonight' say 'No', don't just go through the motions. Tell him you are going out, tired, have a bit of thrush whatever... turn the tap off!!! We all want what we cannot have.

 

Now this might be frustrating for someone who wants it all the time but believe me he will come running to you in time -- how long is the one thing I cannot guarantee.

 

As for you own frustration -- girl get yourself off!! There is no shame in it, you don't have to tell him. Believe me when you turn the tap off he will wonder what on earth is going on.

 

Of course if he has a passionate moment and goes to tear your clothes off -- well then you have got what you wanted...

[RayKay]

What happens if you DON'T initiate for a few days? You can still flirt and tease, but don't initiate? Would he not bother?

 

I think it is positive you are communicating with him about it, though he does not seem to have a "reason" he feels for it, just that he has a different sex drive. Or, maybe he does have some performance anxiety now and feels that he just can't make it "good enough" anyway so why bother?

 

My impression is right now sex sounds like a "chore"...even if you are doing the work, to him it is like he might not even really be necessary to the act (I can be wrong, its just my impression). You can't force him to suddenly throw you down on the bed and take you, but you can take some actions to increase the desire in him to do so. It sounds "expected" rather than fun, and more about the result than the experience for him. Have you also asked him what he wants - I know you said he is very well taken care of, but is that how he wants to be taken care of? Maybe he is looking for something different. Or maybe working two jobs, he is tired and his sex drive is suffering...also if he is not physically active, or TOO physically active, or not eating well, they all impact his drive.

 

I think you need to withdraw a bit, stop intitiating, stop demanding and DON'T attack him or get angry for not wanting sex every night at the moment...dress sexy, act flirty but DON'T initiate. How can he ever initiate if you are doing it all the time anyway? We want what we can't have

 

This is something you two need to explore together, I do agree sex is quite important and up there for the experience of a couple. It is shared intimacy, a bonding "glue" and is time to share ourselves with one another...it is very important, but you may have different emphasis' on how important and be incompatible in that sense.

[smallworld]

I agree with Doc and RayKay about not initiating for awhile, but wanted to add one thing: Have you tried getting around his exhaustion by altering the time you initiate? Maybe he's a morning person or a guy who prefers "lunch."

[miscom]

For the past few weeks I have been backing off a bit.

Here is a little history - I have been taking care of myself in order to fulfull any "need", but there is something that I get from him that I cannot get from a toy. The main purpose is served, but ....you get it I am sure.

 

He has gained some weight in the past few months and I know that it is making him feel ... how should I say, tired, not as sexy....but I try to tell him and show him that I do desire him still - no matter what. He works his second job ont he weekend nights and doe snot get home until kind of late. We went away over the past few weeks and his mood was better because he did not have to work...the sex was better as well.

 

Last night I heard him breathing heavy..falling asleep. Isnuggled up close to him and shut the TV off....he said (the all obliging) We having sex tonight? I simply said, "No, you were just sleeping - good night."

 

You all are right - perhaps I am putting unnecessary pressure on the poor fella.

 

Seriously guys, it is not like I need it every day or anything - I think I am just craving the touch, feeling of him being INTO ME, my body, what I am doing to him....on and on.

 

I know he likes a certain kind of lingerie that I have only been able to wear twice. I will pull that out of my bag of tricks but not yet - I will hold off, take all of your advice and chill. See what happens. I am glad I came into this forum and asked - otherwise, I probably would have said something stupid to him ... oh crap - I did - this morning. CRAP!!!!! I asked him to do me a favor and write down some of the things he liked about the relationship (I am in therapy working on trust issues and obsessive issues...go figure) and jokingly, he said, "It is all about the sex, baby!" I, like an idiot, responded, "Well, we know that is not true. You don't even touch me." CRAPPPPPPPPP - I hope he blew that off. Me and my mouth!!!

[RayKay]

Try not to worry about what was said this morning, maybe tonight say you were sorry for your comment this morning, that you realized it may have come accross as a dig.

 

I think his stress levels/weight gain will have a lot to do with the tumble your sex life has taken. I think many people are the same when they get over stressed and work long long hours - sleep becomes so precious! Of course sex is too, but I think what you did last night just cuddling up with him and letting him sleep was a good move - it kind of shows that you respect his need for sleep..maybe if he gets more rest, he can respect your need for more sex!

 

 

Maybe when he comes home tonight, or whatever, you can be cooking some dinner in that lingerie - make him watch you all through dinner, and maybe you won't even have to make dessert

[rnorth]

This sounds as much an intimacy issue as well as a sex issue (they needn't be the same). You can initiate and get sex, intimacy involves an emotional investment into the actions of two people. Sex can be intimate, intimacy can involve sex, but they can also be mutually exclusive.

 

Your relationship needs help in the area of intimacy. He seems like a good guy, he just needs some guidance. Show him what you want by giving it to him. Tell him, "see how I am touching you?" Let him know that it makes you feel more wanted when he is there emotionally and his time and attention show that it is worth it to him as well.

 

Even get him into just cuddling (evening or morning) but don't initiate anything. If he initiates, and you are into it (and DON'T let him get away with just putting you hand 'there'), then we are getting somewhere.

 

But be patient. Find ways in which you enjoy each other's company without putting too much pressure into this process....

 

This is a tough one, but he seems to be a nice man, so if it is worth it to you, go for it!

[miscom]

Your relationship needs help in the area of intimacy.

Yes - you are right on with that statement. I have brought that up to him in the past and told him that it was something I believed I had damaged, but I would need his help repairing. (I have/had certain "issues" with trust/self esteem and it had come between us. Breaking down communication and intimacy....) I have sought therapy in order to combat this for myself as well as the relationship.

 

He seems like a good guy

He is incredible. He was/is very patient with me and wht he has tagged "my episodes" They are the times when my self esteem/jealousy/obsessions come into play. They are occurring less and less thanks to my therapy and him.

 

 

But be patient. Find ways in which you enjoy each other's company without putting too much pressure into this process....

 

He has had a hobby pretty much his whole life and has gotten me interested in it as well since we have been together. We spend hours and hours together (riding quads) and we have both noticed that it has brought us closer together. I understand him better. Plus he likes the fact that he does not have a gfriend/wife who will complain every time he wants to go riding like all his friends' wives and gfriends do. Not me - I throw my helmet on and I am ready to go!!

 

We have a great friendship which took a beating while my episodes were more frequent. We are repairing that as well - firendship/intimacy so closely related........

[beatless]

Hi there, I just read your post and what you described look similar to

our problem. My ex did most of initiating, but somehow (in my own

point of view) at the wrong time, like during a football game or when

we just had a large dinner, etc. I'm not blaming her for the problem

b/c I think it's my fault. Like you she rank sex quite up there in the

relationship. One of my problem is that alcohol affects me sexually

on both desire and performance, after dinner my "junior" does not

work too well

 

But I'm always good to go like a lion early in the morning but she's

not--- she's too sleepy and grouchy then

[miscom]

Did you talk about it? Did you tell her that alcohol, large meals and football all would hinder your ability. Well, then again - leave football out of it as she may take it as though watching that is more important or better to you than watching or being with her. I am sure that is a road you don't want to go down.

 

As far as in the AM... I am not as in tune with my sexuality in the AM either. He is - usually has the morning wood syndrome going. Nevertheless, when I would initiate, it would be at good times, right before bed, after relaxing for a bit.

 

I have taken the advice of those who posted before you and I have not initiated pretty much at all. I started to feel like his personal call girl. When HE wants.... Too much thought has gone into the sex now so I am dealing with it. He is none the wiser. I complain a lot about it (not to him) in my head!!!

 

No happy mediums here yet, but I am working on lightening up about it. It became too calculated.