Bestfriend said my pain over friends death was not important

[Empathy]

My best friend (now former best friend and friend) has made it very clear to me that the pain I felt over our friend's death was insignificant because I did not know him as well as everyone else in my group of friends (now former group of friends). Those were pretty much his exact words. He has explained to me last night that he snapped at me once after the visitation and once after the funeral because he wanted me to stop talking, that he didn't want to hear my "witching" (with a b) as he called it. When I told him that I was upset that he did not stop by to see me after I learned about our friend's death he said the reason why was because it was not his concern at the time because my pain was insignificant. I told him that it upset me because I needed someone to console me and I had no one. He said he didn't stop by to see me because HE needed a shoulder to cry on. I said, "What? Do I not count?" He said no, that I don't count (and he says I'm his best friend...). He also told me that I had no right to lecture him (this being the FIRST time I'd ever come CLOSE to lecturing him)and I said that all he ever DID was lecture me and his response was, "That's because you always F up." Then he hung up on me.

 

That was the absolute last thing that I needed to hear. Yesterday after he snapped at me after the funeral I broke. I had a nervous break down. Not only am I going through the hardest time of my life but I'm also trying to get off of Lexapro. I had been taking half of one everyday instead of a whole one in order to wean myself off of it. Well, I completely forgot to take my half that day. The thing about missing even one dose of an antidpressant is you will start going through physical and emotional withdrawals. People have been known to commit suicide as a result of the emotional withdrawals from antidepressants. Yesterday I fully understood why. I have honestly never felt that much pain in my life. After he snapped at me I felt like my insides had been ripped out and I broke down. All these feelings of worthlessness just rushed over me and I just kept thinking, "Oh God. I messed up again. I messed up again." I've gone my whole life feeling like a screw up because I've always been told that I'm a screw up. My mother even told me that I was the reason the whole family has problems. I've been told by my brother and sister that if my dad ever left us that it would be my fault. And when my best friend snapped at me I was reminded of what a screw up I am. Every painful memory I'd ever experienced came rushing into my head and for the first time in my life I knew that if I had the means to kill myself I would. Then my best friend tells me that I always "F" up. I tried to explain to him last night that I'm extremely sensitive right now because of what I've been going through this past year and because of the withdrawals. I told him that I wanted to die because of what he said to me and he didn't care. Instead he only insulted me. I know that he is taking our friend's death harder than I am because he was like a brother to him. But I still don't think this death justifies what he said to me. He pretty much told me that I did not matter to him and that I did not matter to our friend that passed away. I just don't know if I can ever forgive him for that. What should I do?

[RandomAdvisor]

Grief can make people say and do strange things.

 

That being said, your former friend sounds like a bit of a ****. I think he was handling his anger and grief by taking it out on you. Not very constructive. It's not fair of him (or anyone else for that matter) to belittle someone else's grief at the loss of a friend or loved one.

 

As far as what you should do...I don't know that there is much of anything to do. If you try and speak to this former friend about it, he's probably just going to insult you again. His grief might be a contributing factor to his behavior, but I don't get the feeling he is very considerate of your feelings in general. I would continue to consider him a former friend, and go to NC. There's really not much you can say to someone after they tell you your grief for a dead person is inconsequential.

 

As far as you forgiving him, that's another story. Hopefully one day in the not too distant future, he'll realize what a total jerk he was to you and apologize. In that case, the ball will be in your court and you'll have to make a decision over whether or not you want to forgive him and continue the friendship. Until that day comes though (and it may not ever), I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

[Empathy]

Thank you for replying, someguy. It was honestly very refreshing to hear you say that. Personally I was getting very tired of hearing everyone that I told say, "Well, he's going through a hard time right now..." etc. I know that. So am I! lol. I still don't see it as an excuse to say things like that to me. Especially since he knows all that I've been going through this past year. In a way, it would seem that I'm having a harder time dealing with it because it was another bad thing that I could add to the list of many I've had to deal with this past year. Everything is always smooth sailing for my friend and this has been his first real big bump in the road since I've known him. Another thing I forgot to say in the post is that he told me he was tired of dealing with my pain. The only person I ever had to run to made it very clear to me that he hated helping me. That he basically did not care about the pain I've been going through this past year...He's supposed to come over today and we're supposed to talk about this face to face. And if I can't make him see and admit that what he did was wrong then I'm definitely through with him.