Great Read!

[BeaTlesFan77]

Found this through my Pocket app.  Lots of great curated articles. 

https://www.self.com/story/adult-friendship-stories?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us

[yogacat]

23 minutes ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Found this through my Pocket app.  Lots of great curated articles. 

https://www.self.com/story/adult-friendship-stories?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us

It's interesting how harder it is to make friends later in life.

All of my friends are either from grade school, high school, or school and co-workers and I have yet to make a friend from just going out and meeting people. Albeit, I was outside on a porch not too long ago just enjoying the great weather and someone actually came up and introduced themselves to me! 

But it's not easy to just click with someone and build a genuine friendship. There's so many factors that have to align - shared interests, chemistry, time, same life stage, etc. It's much easier earlier in life because you're constantly surrounded by people your age and in similar situations. Plus, you have less responsibilities so it's easier to make time for socializing and hanging out.

Maybe it's because you become more set in your ways and it's not as easy to open up and let someone new into your inner circle. I find a lot of the friendships made later are fleeting or transactional - like through work or at the gym. It's not that these friendships can't be genuine, but they are largely based on circumstance and can easily fizzle out if the circumstances change.

I also find it easier to befriend men as I've gotten older. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like guys are less dramatic and easier to get along with. Granted, I have my female friends when I need that bond, but sometimes it's nice to have a change of pace.

Do you find it harder to make friends as an adult? What inspired you to share this (great read by the way!).

[Starlight925]

Great article!

Seems one thing most of the list has in common is that people join activities or things where there is a repeat of that activity.  Community theater, volunteering, mom's groups, etc.  

I've learned that it's almost impossible to make friends in a one-off situation.  If I talk with someone and we really click, nothing will come of it unless we see each other repeatedly in that group.

I did meet a woman last year at a bar lol, and we've become friends.   I was waiting for a friend at a trendy restaurant, and this woman was alone with her laptop, new to town.  Same age as I, married, and lives in my neighborhood.  She and I, plus my friend that I was waiting for, have had dinner quite a few times.  What it's taken is initiative:  we group text, so one of us will send a "want to meet for dinner soon?", and we plan it.

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Do you find it harder to make friends as an adult? What inspired you to share this (great read by the way!).

Thanks!  I'm 47 years old and don't have a social circle that I see often.  There are two guys I see once in a great while for a movie and dinner. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Maybe it's because you become more set in your ways and it's not as easy to open up and let someone new into your inner circle.

I've also seen that. It's one reason I tend to enjoy doing things with children. They tend to be a lot more open and curious to new things. Whereas adults have made up their minds and decided how things are going to be. I also think adults get jaded and bitter from bad experiences, so it becomes harder to open up.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

But it's not easy to just click with someone and build a genuine friendship. There's so many factors that have to align - shared interests, chemistry, time, same life stage, etc

I've always thought real friendship is rare. I think it's easy to have lots of acquantiances, to be able to get along with people and be friendly, have casually chit chat. But a genuine friendship with someone that completely gets you? Where you know you can trust them with anything and they won't judge or hurt you? That doesn't come along much at any age. And if your interests or the way you think doesn't align with those around you, makes it that much more fustrating. 

Oddly, I've found it easier to get along with woman. Probably a combination of the field I'm in and luck though.

38 minutes ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Thanks!  I'm 47 years old and don't have a social circle that I see often.  There are two guys I see once in a great while for a movie and dinner. 

Thanks for the article. You always see people complain or ask what to do. It's nice reading actual success stories for a change. Refreshing to know it's actually possible.

My social circle is small too. But I've always thought it should be quality over quantity. I'm guessing you wouldn't trade those two guys for any number of friends. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

6 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

My social circle is small too. But I've always thought it should be quality over quantity. I'm guessing you wouldn't trade those two guys for any number of friends. 

Something I read recently but can't recall the source.  The most important people are the ones that show up consistently.  Concentrate more on those people.  Even though it's once in a great while, at least they show up when plans are made. 

[catfeeder]

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

...I tend to enjoy doing things with children. They tend to be a lot more open and curious to new things. Whereas adults have made up their minds and decided how things are going to be. I also think adults get jaded and bitter from bad experiences, so it becomes harder to open up.

I hear. I'd like to encourage everyone to explore one overlooked and marginalized source of social mentorship. Befriending elderly people can give you some of the same kind of enjoyment as being with children. They've seen it all, been there, done that, and a common theme I've found is a certain embrace of regression. While some might regress into being childish, petty, and as you say, jaded and biter, many others regress into adoption of child-LIKE qualities, one of which is a generosity of spirit--because they know things.

Some of the best life skills mentors I've ever known are elderly, sharp, funny, and out to see a 'win' for everyone who crosses their path. They watch us all struggle and can relate even while wishing to impart the wisdom they've gained by simply learning how to r.e.l.a.x.

If you want some great introductions to wonderful people--of all ages--who they've 'collected' over the years, don't overlook the oldest person in the room at any event, class. club or whatever that you might attend. Seek them out, let them open your doors and unlock your barriers, and you will thank yourself.

BTW, @BeaTlesFan77, thank you for an inspiring article and a great discussion.

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

While some might regress into being childish, petty, and as you say, jaded and biter, many others regress into adoption of child-LIKE qualities, one of which is a generosity of spirit--because they know things.

Think I never outgrew a lot of my childlike qualities, which is why I've gravitated to them. But I agree, helping the elderly can be just as rewarding. They have seen it all and lived to talk about it. You can learn a lot from their wisdom, heart and humor. And by that point most have outgrown at lot of the silly or petty things that hold people back. They want to use the time they have left to simply enjoy living and sharing their time with others.

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. I'd like to encourage everyone to explore one overlooked and marginalized source of social mentorship. Befriending elderly people can give you some of the same kind of enjoyment as being with children. They've seen it all, been there, done that, and a common theme I've found is a certain embrace of regression. While some might regress into being childish, petty, and as you say, jaded and biter, many others regress into adoption of child-LIKE qualities, one of which is a generosity of spirit--because they know things.

Some of the best life skills mentors I've ever known are elderly, sharp, funny, and out to see a 'win' for everyone who crosses their path. They watch us all struggle and can relate even while wishing to impart the wisdom they've gained by simply learning how to r.e.l.a.x.

If you want some great introductions to wonderful people--of all ages--who they've 'collected' over the years, don't overlook the oldest person in the room at any event, class. club or whatever that you might attend. Seek them out, let them open your doors and unlock your barriers, and you will thank yourself.

BTW, @BeaTlesFan77, thank you for an inspiring article and a great discussion.

You’re welcome and yes, this has been a great discussion. 

[delmarvausa]

I absolutely agree @yogacat - feel like I'm always thinking "why is is so hard to make friends later in life"? I think there are several reasons - we're more particular now than we were as kids, teens, or 20somethings, and our lives have taken a certain pattern later in life so perhaps we are not as flexible as we once were (careers, mortgages, kids, pets). I know i absolutely cherish and appreciate people more these days, because we've lost, said goodbyes, had to move on. Finding people with whom we share common interests is a great thing; running across the occasional special friendship feels like an exceptional and beautiful gift. 😍

[delmarvausa]

Great article @BeaTlesFan77 Thank you for sharing it! 

[yogacat]

On 6/9/2024 at 8:21 PM, ShySoul said:

I've always thought real friendship is rare. I think it's easy to have lots of acquantiances, to be able to get along with people and be friendly, have casually chit chat. But a genuine friendship with someone that completely gets you? Where you know you can trust them with anything and they won't judge or hurt you? That doesn't come along much at any age. And if your interests or the way you think doesn't align with those around you, makes it that much more fustrating. 

Oddly, I've found it easier to get along with woman. Probably a combination of the field I'm in and luck though.

I'm not sure what field you're in but I can see that though ---> how it plays a role in the dynamic friendships with members of the opposite sex (i.e. the industry you're in, etc.).  However, I also feel like with certain careers, it's maybe a bit easier to bond with people of the same gender, since they understand the challenges you face and can relate more. 

This is just my opinion and everyone's experience varies, so there's no one definitive answer to this question.

I don't have many guy friends myself, with the exception of one male best friend that I met in my neighborhood when I was 8 years old (we've been friends throughout childhood and adulthood), and the other for 15+ years.

The number of friends matters less for me as long as I have a few solid companions who support and care for me. I prefer a few close friends over a large group because it allows for me to form more intimate and meaningful connections.

These days though it seems a bit easier to befriend men -- albeit -- those friendships haven't really panned out.

I am super close with my female cousin (I consider her a best friend). Same with my male cousin. Two female best friends, one from when I was 11 years old and the other for over 20+ years.

Not that there's anything wrong with having a large social circle but I can definitely relate to feeling content with a smaller group of friends.

It's interesting to hear your perspective on friendships and how you've found it easier to connect with women. I agree that certain careers or industries can play a role in the dynamics of our friendships. And I also agree that the number of friends is not the most important factor, as long as we have a few solid companions who truly understand and support us.

Thanks for the great topic @BeaTlesFan77. I just met someone that's father was in the band with John Lennon ("Elephants Memory") and while I don't think there will be a long term friendship that will evolve, it reminded me of why it's also important to cultivate newer friendships and relationships in life as well.

Old friendships are wonderful, but sometimes when those inevitably life changes occur (friend moves away for job opportunity, family move away for family reasons, life ends for older friendships, etc.), it's helpful to try and cultivate new friendships just so you can experience the generational change of perspective (for both of you!). 😶‍🌫️🙃☺️

[mylolita]

Hey @BeaTlesFan77!

 

I can relate so much - what an interesting and current topic. It’s one of those things that gets swept under the carpet as being unimportant as we get older.

 

I always found it easy to make friends but have struggled to find deep connections in friendship. I have looked at my childhood friendships and realised they were ones of convenience and being in the same place, at the same time. In my twenties we ended up either breaking up, or drifting apart - instigated by me. 
 

Like @ShySoul mentioned and @yogacat - I find it very easy to be friends with the opposite sex. But as a married woman, I struggle with this being inappropriate and taboo. I don’t realistically think I should or could have male friends that I’d be comfortable with. I struggle to find meaningful bonds with other women. 
 

We’ve moved quite a bit. I made a decision, unknown to me, once I hit my 30s to just stop having female friends. I focused on my family and my husband - I would say always through everything, my husband has and is my best friend, so are my kids! 
 

I do have a great connection with what I would say is my only female friend here in the town where we moved. I can be myself with her for the most part and she doesn’t judge me harshly. She is very calm and soft which compliments me as I’m neither of those! 
 

It’s hard! It’s hard finding time, finding the extra energy to put yourself out there. You can become jaded with bad experiences as well. You can put years into one person and then, it crumbles or fades years later. Sometimes adults look back and wonder why they made the effort? 
 

I still am secure in my decision to keep friendships at arms length, and I’m not actively trying to make new friendships. If it happened; I would so welcome it! But for right now - I’m happy enough focusing on my family and marriage, and keeping things going there.

 

I am lonely for a female to just gab with. We are told from so many different angles that women should have other female friends - need them. It hasn’t done me much good up to now and I’m no longer sure whether that’s my fault! Probably! 
 

x

[BeaTlesFan77]

One of the guys I mentioned, R, is a friend from high school who never got married and doesn't have any children.  Except for the ones he teaches at school.  Then the other guy, J,  I met through him.  We all have the same interests in common in our late 40s.  J has a son who just turned 18 and is heading to college out of the city but in the same state.   

On a sad note, I recently lost one of my long-term friends who I met at work 27 years ago.  I guess we finally drifted apart and are on different paths.  Every time I have asked him to meet for dinner in the last couple of months, he never responds when I ask him what would be a great day for him with his schedule.  Then he never follows up.  I understand that he's a school administrator, married, and has one boy in high school and one about to enter soon.  So I don't expect him to be available on demand.  However, he can't go out for a couple of hours once in a while just to catch up. 

I have another friend from high school, A, who I connected with again in the last few years.  For some reason, I forgot to mention him earlier in this thread.  He's married with two girls in high school.  At least once a month or every other month we meet for dinner for a couple of hours.  One time we even went to an MLB game. 

One of the Meetups I used to go to I made a friend for a month or so.  He was getting into religion and attending church every weekend.  We had different thoughts on religion which caused friction. 

[FemmeFire]

It's harder to make friends when you are older but somewhat easier. The places we visit that offer meaningful interactions with strangers as adults are rare, however, I've realized that so many women, especially moms are out looking for friends as well. I remember being young and feeling like no one was as approachable. I've made friends on bumble and I see so many moms state they don't have friends. I've also met moms through my kid's sports team and playdates everyone seems so eager to chat.

[ShySoul]

Yogacat - I'm in accounting. At least when I graduated it was a majority of females majoring in it. Most of the companies I've worked for have had a majority of females in the department. I was in a small office of ten once and the only other male was a manager outside of the accounting staff. So I've interacted with far more women over the years. But even outside of that, I've just related better with woman. 

Best friend is a woman. We have a lot in common and connect well emotionally with stuff we have been through. There was always a feeling of trust and understanding. For the most part it felt natural like we had always been friends. Same thing happened with the other person I considered a true friend, a male from my high school days. I think when its a deep friendship, you don't have to try as hard because it comes naturally to both of you.

Beatlesfan - I also have lost touch with a friend, the male I just mentioned. He was living in Japan, so so never expected to meet in person. But everytime I wrote him it would take forever to hear back, until I just didn't. I tried multiple times until I got tired of trying. I thought of him as my brother, so I know how tough losing a friend can be. Its even worse when you don't know why. I do see his posts on LinkedIn, so maybe Ill give it one more try. Hope you can salvage that friendship, or at least focus on maintaining the other one.