I broke up with my girlfriend because I no longer had emotional resources...

[TroyPoy]

After a 10 year old long relationship I decided to break up with my girlfriend a few days ago.

In recent years, I have undergone an inner journey that has led me to confront many aspects of my life and myself. This process made me aware of a growing emptiness inside me, an emptiness I could no longer fill. I realised that my emotional resources had gradually been depleted, leaving me drained and devoid of energy.

In this condition, I understood that I could no longer give her the support and affection she deserves. It was not an issue related to her as a person because my affection for her has always been genuine. However, I found myself unable to continue a relationship in a healthy and sincere way. I felt that I was simply dragging a situation that could not bring anything positive for either of us.

One of the most painful realizations was understanding that I could no longer care for myself. This state of personal dissatisfaction made me realize that if I am unable to love and respect myself, I cannot truly love and respect another person. Continuing our relationship under these conditions would have only caused further suffering and frustration.

My decision has been made with much reflection and sadness. I know it has caused her pain, and this weighs heavily on me. However, I believe it is a necessary act of honesty, both for her and for me. She deserves someone who can give her all their heart and attention, and at this moment, I am not that person. I had to make the choice myself for my own well-being. 

Additionally, her family never supported me and always treated me on the verge of human dignity. Now her sister has asked me to explain what happened to help her sister through the separation process. After explaining everything as I did here above, she asked why we don't try couples therapy, saying she is still willing to love and help me with all her heart. She said that if the problem is not that I don't love her anymore, then I should try to fight and stay with her. Essentially, she is trying to keep us together and says my reasons are not valid.

Do you think she is right? What do you think I should do?

[Cherylyn]

Your ex-girlfriend's sister needs to mind her own business.  Don't even bother engaging in any type of conversation with her.  You and your ex broke up so leave it there.  Take good care of yourself and move on.

[ShySoul]

You are correct in that you can't love someone else until you love and respect yourself. You sound like you are ending things for unselfish reasons and do want what's best for her. If this is how you feel, you need to focus on healing yourself and addressing whatever issues have left you feelings so empty and broken.

The sister doesn't matter here. This is between you and your ex-girlfriend. Did you explain all of this to her? Did you talk it over together, going through all the thoughts that lead you to this decision? How did she take it? Does she want to try counseling? If she does, are you willing to do it with her? 

While I understand everything you must be feeling (having felt deep emptiness myself), a relationship must have some good qualities to last that long. She is at least owed an honest, sincere explanation. She should have her voice heard and a chance to see if you can come to a solution together. Personally, when I've felt my worse the one thing that kept me going is the love and support of the one person who has been their for me for years and can understand what I'm going through. Are you sure she couldn't do the same for you?

In the end, it's your choice. Do what will best help you find the peace and happiness you deserve. 

[catfeeder]

Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

You don't owe the sister any explanations, and she is not the judge or jury of your relationship. I'd respectfully tell her to butt out.

 

[TeeDee]

Depressed unhappy people often push people away.  That is what you are doing.  

Unfortunately that is the worst thing you can do.  When you are down you need support.  When all you want to do is stay in bed & ignore the world, that is when you need to go outside & get some sun on your face. 

Are you getting individual counseling related to how you are feeling?  Going to a therapist will help more than breaking up with your SO.  You two don't need couples therapy. The problem isn't with the relationship; the issue (notice I didn't say problem) is how you feel about yourself & your ability to be a good partner to her.  

[redswim30]

First of all, good for you for making the decision that is right for you, and really right for your ex as well. 

Contrary to a lot of pop culture, people don't always break up because they hate each other.  Often people who still have a lot of love for each other, break up for a multitude of other reasons.  It's not as simple as I LOVE YOU= stay.   Leaving=I hate you.  

Any reasons you have in which you feel are right for YOU are both REAL and VALID.  You do NOT owe anyone else an explanation.  If you feel you aren't capable of continuing the relationship in a way that is healthy and fair to you both, then ending it is the right decision.  Doing what is right isn't always easy. Your ex GF may be hurting now, but take it from someone who knows, she's hurting a lot less than if you carried on in dishonesty and one of you reached a breaking point in which you MAY end up actually hating each other.  I believe sometimes it IS best to end things before reaching an extreme point, just because you are worried about what others may think or to avoid hurt.  

Even if this decision and has hurt your ex and even if others don't understand it, you do not owe ANYONE an explanation.  The fact that you gave her sister any sort of explanation was big of you and also unnecessary.  It's NOT her sister's place to tell you how to feel, what to think, or what action to take. 

Frankly, her sister is being wildly inappropriate and off base here.  It's not HER relationship.  Besides, couples therapy wouldn't work in this case.  You aren't someone who doesn't know what you want, you are someone that already KNOWS it isn't healthy to continue this relationship at this time. That's all that matters.  The end. 

Best of luck to you.  I hope you are able to find a way to love and respect yourself again.  Because you are correct, that has to come first and it is NOT "selfish", it is honest.  I applaud you for having the maturity to do what was needed to take care of your own well-being.  Stop talking to the sister, no good can come of it and you do NOT deserve a guilt trip for making the healthy decision for yourself.