Should I ignore my loneliness?

[Clay]

Hello there,

I’m a 20-year-old South African male, and I feel like I’m an exception in the dating scene. Unfortunately, being picky doesn’t help me much, especially since I don’t receive any signals of interest from women. Let me explain further about being picky.

My lack of discipline in self-improvement has led me to a life that doesn’t seem deserving of a relationship, if that makes sense. My life choices have made me feel unlovable. It might sound weak, but I’ve never felt wanted (except for one time in late high school when a girl confessed that she had a crush on me). However, it’s been three years since high school, and I look completely different now.

I basically sabotaged any progress with her because she was too beautiful for me. I was afraid that she would leave me for someone she found more attractive.

I’m not sure if I’m being delusional or if these feelings are valid, but I’ve been battling with myself. I’ve considered dating women I don’t personally find attractive just so I won’t be single, but being picky isn’t helping in my situation as a male.

Currently, I’m avoiding relationships altogether, hoping that in my late 20s, I might be in a better position for dating. Can anyone relate to this or share their thoughts?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me. (Also, I apologize if my grammar or spelling is terrible.)

[Batya33]

What are you doing to increase your interest in yourself as a person who is productive, does small and larger acts of kindness, and who has some goals for the future?  What have you done today? 

[Clay]

Hi @Batya33

What I’ve tried to be more interesting I guess is do some martial arts. I’ve been Boxing for a few weeks now and although I’m not as consistent as I would like to be, I enjoy it a lot.
 

I also have joined a church community. We meet once a week to discuss  scripture and just talk about life.

 

 

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What are you doing to increase your interest in yourself as a person who is productive, does small and larger acts of kindness, and who has some goals for the future?  What have 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Clay said:

Hi @Batya33

What I’ve tried to be more interesting I guess is do some martial arts. I’ve been Boxing for a few weeks now and although I’m not as consistent as I would like to be, I enjoy it a lot.
 

I also have joined a church community. We meet once a week to discuss  scripture and just talk about life.

 

 

Those are great things to do !

[ShySoul]

You're not delusional. If you are feeling a certain way, then that is how you feel and it's valid. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Instead, focus on what you want to do with about your feelings.

Don't date if you don't feel like it. People don't have to be in a relationship. If you aren't interested in someone, then why would you date them? You won't be getting anything from it, it's not likely to go anywhere, and you risk hurting her if she starts to get attached to you. You should only be with someone if you are both fully open to and want the relationship.

Focus on you. Do what you enjoy and work on feeling good about yourself. You are worthy of love and are attractive in your own right. The right person for you will see and appreciate you for you. But you first have love and appreciate yourself.

[TeeDee]

No you should not ignore your feelings.  

You are worthy of love.  You simply have a self esteem problem.   

You claim your lack of self discipline is a problem.  OK. What are you doing to work on that?  Start small.  Get up every morning & make your bed.  Once that starts to be a good habit, add in something else.  As you rack up successes it will be easier to tackle the tougher stuff. 

Keep praying.  That is the best thing you can do.  

Good luck.  

[catfeeder]

On 5/14/2024 at 12:46 PM, Clay said:

Currently, I’m avoiding relationships altogether, hoping that in my late 20s, I might be in a better position for dating.

What do you envision this ^^^ position to look like? And what do you consider to be your main barrier(s) to that vision?

There isn't some trick we can suggest to resolve your belief about being undeserving of a loving relationship. That's complex, and it's informed by your private history. I mean, sure, I can argue that there's something lovable in every human being, a lid for every pot, etc. etc.... but it's your own critical voice that's in your own head that believes what you believe despite having heard arguments to the contrary. So while there are plenty of tips and steps to pursuing dating, if you carry an internal saboteur that will squelch any efforts you make, then that's all just external noise.

So I'd recommend a two-prong approach. The first is to do the inner work, whether it's self-help, group help, professional help, spiritual help, or whatever, to resolve your core belief of being undeserving, this is work you can begin today, regardless of whether or when you opt to pursue dating.

The second is to pursue external work. Consider that most issues, along with their resolutions, fall along a spectrum. So your question about ignoring your loneliness presents many options. If you think of a numbered spectrum from 1 to 10, with 1 being to do nothing, and 10 being a hyper-focused over-investment in the problem, you have 8 more balanced options in between from which you can combine any number of social skill-building and resilience techniques that you learn and employ even while you work to counter your inner saboteur.

I'm so sorry you feel lonely, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will feel welcome to write more if it helps.