Mixed signals from ex - is there any chance

[Wartortle]

Background

we broke up 3 weeks ago after a 8year relationship. We have a long lease of an apartment in the city. We were friends 2 years prior. So we been seeing each other for 10years 

breakup

my view - I am suffering mental health problems from a very well paid health care job. It’s made me scared to go out, I lost so much weight. I become selfish and all I cared was to make money so I could quit the job and find an easier job and to buy our first house. I took her for granted and focused too much on myself. Stress also reduced how many times we had sex. I have quit this job and have started counselling. 

her view - part of her acknowledges the stress issues but another part of her thinks I didn’t love her. Didn’t find her attractive. Therefore she closed her self off as she got hurt.

post break up 

first week after she came every day for a week. To take her items back. Also help me pack up as I am moving back in with my parents until I solve my mental health issues. We talked at length all week about the relationship 

- she said if we got back together how will things change

- she said many times did we do the right thing to break up and how she wishes we didn’t have to pack up 
- she said she wants me in her life. She cried on the last time she saw me as she thought it would be the last time we ever spoke. 
- every time she came she didn’t want to leave. She stayed and gave long hugs and said it’s hard to say good bye.

- she said there is no one else and she isn’t wanting to date any one else 

- she said she finds me attractive but she can’t let me in right now or even try 

signs she doesn’t want to comeback

- she told me she can’t say right now if she can give another chance as she is hurt 

- she wants space - I didn’t understand  but she said something along the lines to heal for hurt and grieve the relationship 

- she told me she doesn’t want to give a false idea that there maybe another chance 

- I said okay. I will stop trying. She “what are you going to give up already”

what should I do

there are a lot of mixed signals. She is really hurt. I think she is in love but not in love with me. I do really want to try again and make it work.

right now we are in limited contact. Mainly to sort out the lease and joint accounts etc

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Wartortle said:

she wants space - I didn’t understand  but she said something along the lines to heal for hurt and grieve the relationship  she told me she doesn’t want to give a false idea that there maybe another chance Right now we are in limited contact. Mainly to sort out the lease and joint accounts etc

Sorry this is happening. It's good you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Breakups are difficult and with mixed feelings after so long together.

  Please don't promise each other to not move forward and expect to not see anyone else. Don't put each other on hold. 

Unfortunately moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it.  She has had years to figure out whether she's happy or not. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't try to reconcile until more time has passed and you are both sure of what you want.  Have there ever been marriage or family plans?

[Wartortle]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't try to reconcile until more time has passed and you are both sure of what you want.  Have there ever been marriage or family plans?

My plan was to solve mental health issues.then once I am in a better place. Try it with her again. 
 

we both wanted children after we brought a home. So we had our own place in the suburbs to raise our children. We also both wanted to get married 

[shiner501]

" I do really want to try again and make it work."

So tell her that.  However, also tell her that you respect her wishes for distance and suggest that you spend some time, three or four weeks, possibly more, to see what feelings you still have for each other - if any.  More clarity may then emerge.

[TeeDee]

This was salvageable 6 months ago before it came to this.  When she moved out something in her died.  She's not going to come back from that.  

 

She's not giving you mixed signals.  She may be remembering some good times but she doesn't want to do this with depressed / upset you anymore.  She's exhausted.  

 

I hope you can afford the lease on your own.  If you can't you best address that financial issue 1st.  It has to be a priority