My family and friends had a get together and didn’t invite me.

[DaisyFlower]

Well… I got a last minute pity invite.

I’ll try to keep to just the details as best as I can. I met my friend through mutual interests and we quickly became close friends - practically best friends. I became friends with her family and her boyfriend and her with mine. We were all close and she was great with my siblings and parents. My brother and her sister began a relationship and are now engaged. I’m super happy for them!

Over the course of our sibling’s relationship, I noticed my friend and I weren’t as close as before. I noticed that I wasn’t being invited to anything annymore and they’d do so many things without me and my fiancé. (Her, her sisters and their partners - including my brother.) I used to always be the first to text, always asked about her and listened, suggested hanging out or going somewhere and we’d never end up doing anything - not even just me and her like we used to. I started to make less effort with the friendship because I could see I wasn’t getting the same amount of energy I was giving into the friendship. Over the next three years I’d only see her when my brother invited them over for things like his birthday or a summer bbq.

I tried to talk to my mum about this a few times to see if she had any advice. She said that I shouldn’t think too much into it and some friendships are very one-sided and I should put more effort in: Ask her to do things, text her to see how she is, etc. I’ll be honest, I did try but it stayed the same.

It was my brother’s birthday this week and I saw him on the day. He had a dinner at home and as far as I knew wasn’t having anymore birthday celebrations. Yesterday, I found out my friend was going to see my mum ‘because they miss her and haven’t seen her for ages’. My mum told me this. I told my mum that I thought this was weird and that I hadn’t spoke to her in months considering I’d sent her a wedding invite over a week ago (no response or acknowledgement) and the last time she saw me was two months ago at my mum’s to meet my baby for the first and only time. The last time I saw her before that was April last year. She’d seen my mum just two weeks ago and I know she’d seen her a lot recently. I even know when I was pregnant last year, she went out with just my mum and her sisters to a cafe without me… my favourite cafe. After my mum told me about their ‘visit’ she said “I could come if I wanted to” and I said no (I didn’t want a pity invite last minute).
I later found out that it was more of a party for my brother’s birthday which had been 5 days before and my dad even thought I was coming and ask why I wasn’t. I was the only one not invited. My mum lied and told him I was busy and upset about something unrelated (I was in the morning for an hour and not upset enough about the thing - different thing - to decline a genuine invite). She told me again on the day “I could still come if I wanted to” - it wasn’t a real invite so I said no (my sister confirmed mum knows she didn’t invite me really). I saw Instagram stories of what they were up to and I cried. 

I feel stupid for letting this get me to because I shouldn’t care. I have a wonderful life and family at home: A fiancé and a baby who is my world - and my little sister who can see all this happening and understands why I’m feeling the way I am.

My sister confronted my mum about it and tried to get her to see what she’s done. She told her how it must feel for me and it turns out she doesn’t think she’d done anything wrong. Am I wrong in any of this? Feeling upset and angry at my mum and friend?
I guess I want to understand why I’m feeling this way. Why is this bothering me so much? I’m worried because if this was any other friend, I’d just say goodbye to the friendship but this is someone who is going to be in my life and see on occasions. 

I can acknowledge that I’m jealous and angry. I’m also feeling very irrational and childish. But I can’t understand why fully. These  were my friends first and if it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t be together or friends. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad they are together and friends, but they’re not really my friends anymore. I feel like my brother and mum took them from me and that my friend abandoned me for a reason I don’t even know. 

Today I’ve felt so much bubbling anger, sadness and jealousy. I haven’t been able to let any of it go or deal with anyone in the situation yet. I know I will have to speak to someone about it soon but I feel like I need outsider thoughts and advice… TIA x
 

[Batya33]

It sounds like something made her uncomfortable about staying close given your siblings' relationships - not sure what the something is but when that changed she created distance - was there some conflict or awkwardness about that? Or maybe she wants to have boundaries in case there is ever a marital issue between your sibling and hers? I'm sorry you're upset.

[DaisyFlower]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like something made her uncomfortable about staying close given your siblings' relationships - not sure what the something is but when that changed she created distance - was there some conflict or awkwardness about that? Or maybe she wants to have boundaries in case there is ever a marital issue between your sibling and hers? I'm sorry you're upset.

We always promised we would never get into any problems they ever had (if they did) and let them being together affect our friendship. But it does sound like it could’ve been that she created the distance. I that suggestion makes me feel a bit better about it all actually. Thank you. 

[ShySoul]

If these are your feelings, then they are your feelings. I don't think people are wrong for feeling hurt or upset. Each person handles things in a different way, a way that is right for them. Each person has their own way of processing and working through their emotions. So don't feel bad for the way you feel.

You called this person a best friend. When you use that label to describe someone, it comes with certain hopes and expectations. To lose that friendship or to watch it drift away awakens a lot of conflicting emotions inside you. Their is confusion over what happened. Their is hurt and a sense of abandoment over them not wanting to keep in touch. This is the feeling that you might have done something wrong or be to blame. There might be anger at them for not trying like you feel you have. I felt all of that when my best friend stopped responding to me. So it's okay if you feel that way.

Then you add on the extra layer of your family. For them to spend time with this person is like a betrayal from all parties. That's especially true if they knew how much you were hurting. No one wants to feel left out. And here are the people who are supposed to be closest to you, leaving you out. Again, it's okay to feel sad and hurt.

If it is bothering you, then I believe it's always best to talk it out. It's not healthy to keep your feelings in. For your own sake, have an honest talk about it. Express your feelings. Sometimes just getting it out there helps to clear the air and relieve you of the stress and burden these emotions have on you and can weigh you down. I would keep in mind that it's probably not intentional. People generally don't do things like this to specifically hurt a person. Usually it's born out of ignorance. They are probably just focused on how they have a good time together and don't realize what it's doing to you.

In the meantime, focus less on those who aren't around, and more on the ones who are. Your fiance, baby, and sister seem to care a lot about you. So let their love be your strength.