Please give me advice

[Advice4888]

Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and we live together, we recently had a really bad time were we both kind of turned toxic against each other. He packed up his stuff last week and left to go live with his sister, he didn’t even let me know that he wanted to leave. I love him and even if our relationship had its bad stage I wanted to work through it. I’m really upset right now because he’s the only person I have in my life as all my friends moved away to other cities and my family doesn’t keep in touch with me. I am not financially able to afford the apartment we live by myself, it is also under his name and it makes me really sad living there because it was meant to be our new start. I texted him because I wanted answers. I am really confused on what I should do, because he kept saying he still loves me but he is confused whether he still wants to be with me as we are both unhappy. He’s been gone for a week, in this week I have been so depressed because he’s the first person in my life that ever took care of me, I didn’t eat or sleep, I got drunk and took sleeping tablets, I couldn’t get out of bed. I blame myself a lot because I know during our bad stage I was being stubborn and inconsiderate but so was he. I love him so much and I want to make it work, this week that he was away I did a lot of self reflection and realised all my mistakes and I want to improve on them. He keeps giving me these mixed signals saying doesn’t want to be with me until he sees that something will change and that we won’t argue anymore and that we will both be happy. We have been living together for a year, and he said that he will come see me so that he can see if there are any improvements but he said he does not want to live with me anymore. When I asked him for how long he said “I don’t know the contract ends in a year and we’d have to see from then”. I told him I was really upset because it seems like a huge set back. He said he’s not saying he will stay away for a year he’s just saying he will stay away until he’s sure thinks have improved as he has many doubts right now. I’m really hurt because he’s never left me like this before. I don’t understand how he wants to see if things will change because this whole week all he’s done is ignored me and barely answered any of my messages. He still says he will come visit me but I’m not sure I believe him because of all these mixed signals he’s sending me. I don’t want to try my best to fix our relationship if I’m gonna get my heart broken twice. I’m really scared as I have no where to go. He said he will keep paying for the apartment but I don’t even want to stay there alone because it makes me think of him. If there is any chance that we will be together I want to try and give it my best but I’m worried he’s just gonna change his mind as his answers are so unclear right now. Please give me some advice. I don’t want to work and go through all this pain if he’s just going to give up on me, I’ve tried to have a conversation with him but he looks confused himself. I just want this pain to stop and I feel like something needs to be resolved either bad or good because it’s making me so depressed I barely leave the bed. What adds to the situation is the fact that when he saw me earlier he kissed me and hugged me but his answers are still the same. I don’t want my heart being messed with because he’s confused and I’m not.

[Batya33]

Why do you think he's confused? He doesn't want to live with you anymore.  He doesn't know if he ever will.  He doesn't say how he will know if there are improvements or enough - I'd take that as very clearly it's time to move on.  I'm really sorry you want him in your life but it sounds like he's had enough and if he changes his mind he will be definitive in wanting enthusiastically to be with you again in an exclusive committed relationship. Your certainty is not enough -I'm sorry!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Advice4888 said:

. I am not financially able to afford the apartment we live by myself, it is also under his name  He’s been gone for a week, , I got drunk and took sleeping tablets.  he said he does not want to live with me anymore. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the argument about?  Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health

. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Please discuss the drinking and suicidal gesture frankly.

Please ask for a referral to a qualified licensed therapist for ongoing support and please get help for substance misuse.

He is legally obligated to pay the remainder of his portion of the lease. Please advise him of this. If he doesn't want to live there because you don't get along fine, but please inform him that he has to pay either way. 

[ShySoul]

Sorry you are hurting right now. Going through problems like this isn't easy. It's a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling that makes you just want to cry forever. But things do improve and work out for the best, even if it's not in the way you planned or hoped.

First thing is take care of yourself. Regardless of what happens with the relationship, it's not healthy to be so reliant on one person. Eat and drink properly, not resorting to alcohol to drown your pain. See if there is a more affordable place or some other living arrangement. Find some activity you can do that will help make you happy, if only for a time. Perhaps you'll meet people and can make friends. The goal is to do things that brightens your spirit and uplifts you. When you get in a funk and feel the world is falling apart, it can be easy to give into despair and give up hope. But you have to take it day by day and do little things to give yourself that hope that things can and will improve. 

He is willing to contribute to the apartment, so that can help you out in the short term. As far as him being confused, that's understandable. You're both in an unsure place, still wanting to hold onto this but not sure how. There is no quick and easy solution. The only thing you can do is keep moving forward and show him, in words and actions, that you've addressed whatever problems you were responsible for. Likewise, he needs to do the same. Hopefully, thngs will gradually improve and one day you'll be together and better then ever.

But you also might not. He may decide that he can't get over things. You might decide it's no longer worth everything you're feeling. That's the risk we all take when we love someone. Love is putting your heart out there and risking the pain because when it works, the joy is so much greater. It's difficult to take the risk. It hurts like hell when it doesn't work out. But if you want to experience the joy and the highs, you have to prepare yourself for the pain and the lows. And if it doesn't work out with him, it will hurt and you will be miserable for awhile. But you'll eventually come through to the other side and one day find something even more wonderful and rewarding.