My partner has mental health issues

[boltnrun]

I don't see it as being about whether or not you're "ready". I presume you're always ready to do what's best for your children.

Would you encourage your children to remain in a relationship such as yours? Would you advise them to presume THEIR children are just fine? Or would you think they should err on the side of caution when it comes to the well-being of children?

[Saza]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would you encourage your children to remain in a relationship such as yours? Would you advise them to presume THEIR children are just fine? Or would you think they should err on the side of caution when it comes to the well-being of children?

That is a tricky question! Relationships are not all black and white. My ex husband didn't have a mental health issue as such, but had a very difficult personality. He was extremely selfish and self-absorbed. He was eager to take from others, but mostly unwilling to compromise or give back in return. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't see it as being about whether or not you're "ready". I presume you're always ready to do what's best for your children.

Would you encourage your children to remain in a relationship such as yours? Would you advise them to presume THEIR children are just fine? Or would you think they should err on the side of caution when it comes to the well-being of children?

I think parents can be “always ready “ to do what’s best and also choose to rationalize or delay or sweep under the rug when things get really tough and emotional. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Saza said:

That is a tricky question! Relationships are not all black and white. My ex husband didn't have a mental health issue as such, but had a very difficult personality. He was extremely selfish and self-absorbed. He was eager to take from others, but mostly unwilling to compromise or give back in return. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects. 

I don’t see where anyone is taking a black and white approach. Obviously that’s true. I don’t think people who are primary caregivers of kids or a vulnerable family member get to dismiss something harmful as “oh well every relationship has good and bad aspects “.

If your child heaven forbid was bullied at school would you decline to intervene to get it to stop because a bully might have very positive aspects or potential - or because last week before he harassed or harmed your child they were friends ? “Sorry Zoe that Bully stabbed you in the arm with your pencil and recorded you in the bathroom and is threatening to make it go viral but you know friends have good and bad aspects so don’t be a tattler because last week she was your BFF so here I’ll put some neosporin on the pencil hole in your arm and whatever so your classmates will hear your IBS symptoms on WhatsApp- nothing is black and white you know I always say that. Don’t tell on her and risk the friendship. Focus on the good times angel “

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Saza said:

. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. 

Unfortunately you're still walking on eggs. It's extremely difficult to admit you jumped from the frying pan to the fire. That could be why you're in denial about it. Economic dependence is also a risk factor for staying in toxic and abusive relationships. 

Please speak frankly privately and confidentiality with your therapist about what's happening now. 

[Seraphim]

21 minutes ago, Saza said:

That is a tricky question! Relationships are not all black and white. My ex husband didn't have a mental health issue as such, but had a very difficult personality. He was extremely selfish and self-absorbed. He was eager to take from others, but mostly unwilling to compromise or give back in return. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects. 

Many many Bipolar people are not med compliant . The vast majority are not. Medications don’t always work. This will be a very bumpy ride.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 2/16/2024 at 10:51 AM, Saza said:

I get that this is not his fault, and that he is trying to manage his mental health. He has tried multiple different medication since I've know him, done group therapy, individual therapy, tried to keep his stress down, but none of it has been a miracle solution.

It's NOT supposed to be a "miracle solution" and YES if he is unwilling to remain on his prescribed medication, that IS his fault. 

Please stop enabling him by downplaying his role in this. 

On 2/16/2024 at 10:51 AM, Saza said:

He's gotten aggressive with me in a way that was very uncomfortable. Last week, while he was in his psychosis, I moved to my mother's for a few days as I was feeling really stressed about his aggressive and difficult behaviour.

^^This is VERY serious and very dangerous.  For both yourself AND your kids. 

If he were taking his medication as he should be, he would not be experiencing psychosis or such aggressiveness.

If he is, his doctor needs to be made aware and prescribe a different medication.

Often times, it takes being on a few different meds before finding the one that works best.

NONE of this should be happening.  Serious mental illnesses such as Bipolar 1 and schizophrenia can be managed effectively with proper meds 90% of the time. 

When we hear about frightening episodes occurring, with psychosis and aggressiveness, and violence, it's because they're NOT taking their meds as prescribed.

My nephew has Bipolar I with schizophrenia and he is constantly going off his meds because he doesn't like the way they make him feel.

My brother (his father) has come home to find the windows of their home completely boarded up as my nephew believed they were being attacked by aliens. 

My nephew once thought my SIL was about to murder him with a knife while she was cooking dinner for the family and he stabbed her! 

She nearly didn't make it.  My nephew was placed under supervised care after that.  He just could not and would not stay on his meds.

It takes just ONE episode for tragedy to occur @Saza.

I am going to sound harsh, but the only way this relationship has a chance of functioning properly and being SAFE is if he remains on his medication.

He has a chemical imbalance in his brain that requires it.  And if those meds are not working to stabilize him, he needs to work closely with his doctors to find medication that does work.

Anything other than that is irresponsible and unacceptable.  For you too especially since you have children to consider.

I wish you the best, it's not easy!  And admire your dedication to sticking with him but please PLEASE look at this realistically and exercise sound judgment and good care, for both yourself and your children.

[boltnrun]

59 minutes ago, Saza said:

That is a tricky question! Relationships are not all black and white. My ex husband didn't have a mental health issue as such, but had a very difficult personality. He was extremely selfish and self-absorbed. He was eager to take from others, but mostly unwilling to compromise or give back in return. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects. 

Sorry, but your solution is to expose them to someone else who's emotionally unstable?

I'm sorry, but it appears you're prioritizing your feelings for this man and your desire to be with him over everything else.

[Seraphim]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's NOT supposed to be a "miracle solution" and YES if he is unwilling to remain on his prescribed medication, that IS his fault. 

Please stop enabling him by downplaying his role in this. 

^^This is VERY serious and very dangerous.  For both yourself AND your kids. 

If he were taking his medication as he should be, he would not be experiencing psychosis or such aggressiveness.

If he is, his doctor needs to be made aware and prescribe a different medication.

Often times, it takes being on a few different meds before finding the one that works best.

NONE of this should be happening.  Serious mental illnesses such as Bipolar 1 and schizophrenia can be managed effectively with proper meds 90% of the time. 

When we hear about frightening episodes occurring, with psychosis and aggressiveness, and violence, it's because they're NOT taking their meds as prescribed.

My nephew has Bipolar I with schizophrenia and he is constantly going off his meds because he doesn't like the way they make him feel.

My brother (his father) has come home to find the windows of their home completely boarded up as my nephew believed they were being attacked by aliens. 

My nephew once thought my SIL was about to murder him with a knife while she was cooking dinner for the family and he stabbed her! 

She nearly didn't make it.  My nephew was placed under supervised care after that.  He just could not and would not stay on his meds.

It takes just ONE episode for tragedy to occur @Saza.

I am going to sound harsh, but the only way this relationship has a chance of functioning properly and being SAFE is if he remains on his medication.

He has a chemical imbalance in his brain that requires it.  And if those meds are not working to stabilize him, he needs to work closely with his doctors to find medication that does work.

Anything other than that is irresponsible and unacceptable.  For you too especially since you have children to consider.

I wish you the best, it's not easy!  And admire your dedication to sticking with him but please PLEASE look at this realistically and exercise sound judgment and good care, for both yourself and your children.

Yup, my dad’s major complaint about medication was it took away his “ highs” where he felt invincible. His highs and lows could last months at a time.

[Saza]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If he were taking his medication as he should be, he would not be experiencing psychosis or such aggressiveness.

If he is, his doctor needs to be made aware and prescribe a different medication.

He was taking his medication as prescribed. Apparently it's the medication that caused the psychosis this time (probably paired with high levels of stress). When I met him he had been taking Seroquel for a number of years. He went off it about a year and a half ago as it was really affecting his ability to be productive at work. He had discussed this with his doctor who agreed to let him see how he would manage without medication. I did notice him having more mood swings after that, and he had a manic episode in August when he was dealing with an excessive amount of stress. After that incident, his doctor prescribed setraline to help him better manage his stress-related anxiety. It did wonders to his mood, and we had a wonderful period when he was emotionally super stable. It was awesome. About a month ago, his doctor significantly increased his dose to help him cope with an upcoming Trial (for custody). This triggered a psychosis! 

He is currently back on Seroquel. I'll admit that he's not keen on taking it but has been taking it nonetheless for now. He's waiting for a new psychiatrist to contact him. He's gonna get a full psychological assessment and he's hoping to try different meds and get off seroquel. That's kind of where we're at right now. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Saza said:

My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as  poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects. 

But it's NOT being "well-managed."  

You were forced to stay with your mom due to his psychosis and aggressiveness, how is that being well-managed? 

[Saza]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

But it's NOT being "well-managed."  

You were forced to stay with your mom due to his psychosis and aggressiveness, how is that being well-managed? 

I agree. It's not well-managed right now. That needs to be addressed. 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Saza said:

Apparently it was medication that caused the psychosis...

What do you mean "apparently"?  Either it did or it didn't. 

If it didn't, he needs to work closely with his doctors to find meds that do work effectively, it's not easy.

But to say it's being "well-managed" when he's experiencing periods of psychosis is simply not true and you're living in some sort of alternative reality where you think you or your love can help him or save him or something.  It cant.

Again, I apologize if I sound harsh but I'm very familiar with the seriousness of BP1, and you are placing yourself and your children in harm's way unless and until it and its symptoms are under control, which often times is a long hard road. 

It's also HIS responsibility to make this happen and the fact he is NOT, obviously as he recently experienced the psychosis forcing you to stay with your mom, is quite telling. 

If this were ME, and I had BP1 or any serious mental illness, I would take myself out of this relationship unless and until it and its symptoms were under under control and being managed effectively.

THAT would be the responsible thing to do imo.

 

[Saza]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What do you mean "apparently"?  Either it did or it didn't. 

I said "apparently" as that is what the nurse practitioner and that psychiatrist think is what happened. But there is no way of being 100% certain I guess. However, the fact that he had recently started a much higher dose and that this medication can cause psychosis indicates that this was probably the cause. That's what the psychiatrist thought.

Also, I just want to clarify that he has not been diagnosed with BP1. I had a private conversation with the psychiatrist at the hospital who suggested that he should get a complete assessment. She was leaning more towards a personality disorder than BP1, and thought that he might have been given the wrong meds for most of his life. 

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, Saza said:

He was taking his medication as prescribed. Apparently it's the medication that caused the psychosis this time (probably paired with high levels of stress). When I met him he had been taking Seroquel for a number of years. He went off it about a year and a half ago as it was really affecting his ability to be productive at work. He had discussed this with his doctor who agreed to let him see how he would manage without medication. I did notice him having more mood swings after that, and he had a manic episode in August when he was dealing with an excessive amount of stress. After that incident, his doctor prescribed setraline to help him better manage his stress-related anxiety. It did wonders to his mood, and we had a wonderful period when he was emotionally super stable. It was awesome. About a month ago, his doctor significantly increased his dose to help him cope with an upcoming Trial (for custody). This triggered a psychosis! 

He is currently back on Seroquel. I'll admit that he's not keen on taking it but has been taking it nonetheless for now. He's waiting for a new psychiatrist to contact him. He's gonna get a full psychological assessment and he's hoping to try different meds and get off seroquel. That's kind of where we're at right now. 

My husband isn’t bipolar but he was put on Seroquel ( 150 mg)after a second suicidal episode last year. He is also on 200 mg of Zoloft and 18 mg of Concerta. He performs at work just fine. 
 

Lack of “ performance “ is another common complaint for I don’t want to take my meds. 

[Saza]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband isn’t bipolar but he was put on Seroquel ( 150 mg)after a second suicidal episode last year. He is also on 200 mg of Zoloft and 18 mg of Concerta. He performs at work just fine. 

Interesting. Thanks for sharing this info. I wonder if different people perhaps react differently to the meds? Is that a thing? 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Saza said:

She was leaning more towards a personality disorder than BP1, and thought that he might have been given the wrong meds for most of his life. 

Personality disorders do not cause psychosis...  There are actually only a handful of mental illnesses that cause psychosis. 

Bipolar 2 doesn't even cause psychosis. 

In any event, said my piece, good luck. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Saza said:

Interesting. Thanks for sharing this info. I wonder if different people perhaps react differently to the meds? Is that a thing? 

Absolutely it is. As I said, Zoloft made me psychotic at 25 mg. My father had very adverse effects to a lot of medication and so do I so does my brother, and so does my son.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Saza said:

Interesting. Thanks for sharing this info. I wonder if different people perhaps react differently to the meds? Is that a thing? 

Yes absolutely!  

His doctors should have explained all that to him.  

Perhaps he needs to find new doctors? 

Just a thought. 

[Seraphim]

Both my husband and my mother are on Zoloft and both are perfectly fine with it. 75% of people react fine to it . 

[Saza]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personality disorders do not cause psychosis...  There are actually only a handful of mental illnesses that cause psychosis. 

I'm confused. The medication caused psychosis. He's never had a psychosis before but has been in manic states. I'm not saying that it's impossible for him to be bi-polar. I'm not a psychiatrists and don't have the tools to diagnose him. I'm just trying to get a better grasp at what I'm dealing with, and whether this can be managed or not. It's difficult to make decisions when you don't have all the info

 

[Saza]

@rainbowsandroses @Seraphim  thanks for this info. He is getting a psychiatrist. He never had a psychiatrist follow him for an extended period of time. From what I understand, he is getting a psychiatrist soon and will get a proper assessment and will be followed. 

[Seraphim]

He will need a consistent psychiatric care. This is a very very difficult chemical imbalance. It is made more difficult because as I said the vast majority feel they are “ cured” when they feel better or they want their “ high”. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Saza said:

I'm confused. The medication caused psychosis. He's never had a psychosis before but has been in manic state...

I see, okay that makes more sense and yes I believe the wrong meds might cause psychosis.

I'm not a shrink however it's possible he suffers from BP2 which is extreme highs (manic) and lows (depression), no psychosis, with BPD (Borderline Personaliy Disorder), that is pretty common but none of us are qualified or even knowledgeable enough to make such a diagnosis or even an assumption about it. 

Best to leave that to his doctors.

Again, good luck. 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Saza said:

 I'm just trying to get a better grasp at what I'm dealing with, and whether this can be managed or not. 

People here are not psychiatrists. You'll have to see what his physicians have to say. You're doing yourself (and him) a great disservice by googling, second guessing, speculating with laypeople and playing doctor yourself. 

It's understandable you want answers and predictions about his health and behavior, but you're not going to leave anyway because you need his income to help you with bills. 

It's understandable you would like support but all people can really offer you is their own personal experience and anecdotal information.