It’s all my fault and I feel hopeless

[Wonder01234]

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. We video call nearly everyday. We were happy, we talk about our future together, how he will move to my country so we can be together. We were working towards his visa and everything. 

 

During our relationship we have fights here and there. Sometimes during the fights he push me so much that I would bring up break up with him because I was so hurt and feel so sad. But because of that he said I made him lost feelings for me. One day he bring up break up and said he doesn’t love me anymore and that I have caused his feelings to disappear, I’m the reason we breaking up. 

 

He said he have told me never to bring up break up but I don’t listen and always do it when we fight. I told him I also said don’t push me so much when we fight and I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up break up. I said I know I’m in the wrong for brining up break up and I regret it. Let fix our relationship, I don’t want to give up like this. 

 

he said I can can try and fix the relationship and make him feel again but he won’t be doing much apart from giving me the time. Since it’s my fault I need to do most of the work. I was fine with that because I really regret it, I told him I will never do it again. It’s been 3 months since we broke up now. The first 2 months was horrible, he was very distance and mean to me, always get mad easily and always bring up how I caused him to change and cause him to stop loving me. 

 

the last month things have gotten better, we start to talk more again and spend more time with each other, I feel like we are back to how we were. Only yesterday when I ask him if he want to get back together that he said he doesn’t want to. He said he still feel no love for me. I told him I never expect us to end like this and he said we wouldn’t if only I could stop saying those words back then. I tried to reason with him but he doesn’t seem to accept any reason I had. 

 

I really don’t understand how can he just forget everything we been through. How happy we were together, why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had. It hurt me so much to know I’m that one that caused my relationship to end.

[boltnrun]

How long has it been since you two saw each other physically in person? How much time did you generally spend together in person and how often? And what did you two fight about? 

[Cherylyn]

Often times,  people exit the relationship if there are bad memories associated with arguments,  insults,  deceit,  betrayal,  offenses or any of that.  They don't wish to risk repeats of uncomfortable or infuriating scenarios.  It's easier to dissolve relationships than take chances at situations going awry again.  ☹️

Most people are risk adverse.  They prefer to move forward instead of going backwards and experiencing pain in the future.  It's universal human nature. 

[MissCanuck]

Have you ever met him in person? 

And if you felt the need to break up with him more than once, it's a sign that the relationship is never going to work. You two are not a match. 

4 hours ago, Wonder01234 said:

why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had. 

Because that's not how feelings (and life) work. One does not just "forget" the dysfunction and hurt of the past. What you're asking for is not realistic. You can't break up with some multiple times and then just expect them to forget all of that happened and still want to be with you. I am not saying this is all your fault, mind you, but you have to understand that all the fighting and break-ups did their damage and sometimes one person just realizes it really is not going to work. That's where he is, and he is right. This wasn't working anymore. 

[smackie9]

When things get bad, that's when you need to stop investing your future with that person. Clinging onto the "good times" isn't a good enough excuse to try and make it work. This has run it's course. 

[Starlight925]

When you say he “pushes” you, what do you mean exactly?

Have you ever met in person?

[Wonder01234]

We never break up and get back together multiple times. When I bring up break up, I just say if you keep acting like this then we should just break up. I know it wasn’t right of me to threaten him like that. I was just so hurt and frustrated at the time. 
 

we haven’t met in person but was planning to. We both bought ticket to meet up before he broke up with me. 
 

Push me as in when I tell him please stop being mean you making me cry, just stop, he wouldn’t stop and keep saying stuff that upset me. He then said he need to make me understand so I won’t make the same mistake again. 

[boltnrun]

This person you've never met is upsetting you greatly. 

There's no need to put yourself through this. End this electronic connection and focus on meeting people you can actually see in person and interact with. Trust me, a real live person you can hold hands with, sit next to and hug and kiss is much more satisfying than someone you only see and communicate with over an electronic device. 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Wonder01234 said:

 

Push me as in when I tell him please stop being mean you making me cry, just stop, he wouldn’t stop and keep saying stuff that upset me. He then said he need to make me understand so I won’t make the same mistake again. 

That's mental abuse. 

[Jaunty]

21 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's mental abuse. 

It is.  But it's also mental abuse to threaten to use the threat of a breakup when fighting in a relationship.  

This sounds like it's just dysfunctional and toxic all the way around.   

I know you're feeling very attached, but please just say goodbye and move on.  Since you have not met, you will recover surprisingly quickly if you just give yourself the opportunity to do that.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Wonder01234 said:

We haven’t met in person but was planning to. 

Sorry this is happening. The good news, since you never met is that all you need to do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please reflect on what's going on in your life that led you down this dark horrible path of engaging in a cyber situation with a mean abusive person. 

Please reevaluate your life. Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You can make real friends and talk to real men. 

Please also consider getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local real life men in person.