i hurt my love, what now?

[Borut2211]

So, I'm a divorced 42 year old guy that completely messed up what could be the best relationship ever. I met this beautiful woman online, i know everyone says so, but we had this really deep emotional connection from the start, we both felt like the wait is over and we found the promised one. We live a couple hours apart in different countries so it took us a while to start meeting in real life and when we did, it was so amazing, being in her presence felt out of this world good and she enjoyed her time a lot too. We kept on meeting but there was never any touching or intimacy happening, not because neither of us wanted it but i had the wrong mindset from start, we never really communicated it clearly and i was keeping my distance at all times, thinking she would not appreciate me trying to get closer. i knew a bit about her past and knew she had big trust issues with men and I wanted her to feel safe around me and that kinda went too far. She soon started showing me she wanted my closeness by her taking the lead and initiating the physical touch with cuddling and hugging. I was stuck in my believing she could not really want me, i had some pretty huge demons from my marriage and i froze in that place. We spent weeks together and i couldnt break thru some of my intimacy issues and she suffered greatly for it, waiting on me to come around and make her feel wanted. Thing is I wanted her from day one in all forms but my thinking was all messed up, believing i dont deserve her and a woman like that could never love me. We are still talking daily and it isn't an issue of lack of love but my actions or lack of those made her suffer so much, she felt unloved and ugly tho she really is the most beautiful woman i ever met and i tell her that all the time. But the thing she needed, the physical bond with a man she liked, that never happened for her. I know now how wrong I was and that it was my very distorted beliefs that held me back, i waited too long and now I'm losing her. TLDR, i hurt the woman i love and loved me by not making her feel as desired as she actually was by me, my communication was bad and now neither of us knows how to move on. I love her and want to make things right and I'm asking you people for advice. My question is, how do i make things better and repair the hurt i caused her? If we cant be together, i at least dont want her to be scarred by me for the rest of her life, she means the world to me and i want her to be happy.

Thing is, I rejected her twice and that sent her down a very bad self hate spiral. my reasons for that were of the worst kind, an insecurity i brought along from my previous relationship, she had no fault in that and didnt deserve any of it.

[Batya33]

My sense is you chose online and distance in the first place to keep your distance emotionally and physically.  How often did you meet in person? I would simply apologize and say "how can I help" -with no ulterior motives -if help is giving her space do it.  Perhaps you backing off will let her find someone who is comfortable with things progressing romantically and physically in person? I doubt she is scarred for life from this encounter -does she have other mental health issues? How long are you divorced? Is she married? I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope you feel better.

[Borut2211]

Thank you for your reply. We met more than a dozen times, had some mini vacations together and really had a very good time. It took us very long to break the touch barrier but once we did, we enjoyed that very much. It was love at first sight for me and she felt we had a special connection too, we became very close friends and were both unsure of other's feelings, i couldn't really imagine her falling in love with me but she did and she longed for me to show her how much i wanted her. I was emotionally abused in my previous relationship and had some very unreal beliefs about myself for it and it took me to long to handle them. She is a very sensitive woman with a painful past and im worried this will stay with her and make her feel as an undesirable woman, tho that is not the case in the least, she is everything a man can wish for in a woman. I was hopeful we would reach the end of the dark tunnel togetehr and step out of it hand in hand, but all that happened is i disappointed and hurt her. I was too careful in the beginning not to make her feel weird around me because of the age gap and it was all just too slow for her how things developed. I would do anything to make her happy, but she's closing the door on me and i dont know what to do. I wanna take away her pain and fil the void with love but that doesnt seem like an option anymore.

[Batya33]

If you want to help I'd give her space to find someone who is ready and available to date in person with the sort of typical progression to being affectionate, romantic, etc.  If you actually had to "break" a "touch barrier" that to me means you weren't available to date her (or perhaps anyone but certainly not her).  With rare exception there is never a "touch barrier" when two people start dating and are attracted to each other - it simply happens naturally with no "barriers" or emotional "barrier". I'm sorry you were abused in your marriage. I hope you seek help.  Tell her because you care you want the best for her and therefore will keep your distance as she deserves a man who is ready to date her in a real way.  I'm sorry.

[Borut2211]

Yea, as much as it hurts, I know you are right. She deserves all the happiness she can get and i know she has a very beautiful life ahead of her. I wanted to be the one that she would spend it with, but i messed things up and now i gotta face the consequences.

[MissCanuck]

In kindness, you are not ready to date. 

You first need to work on resolving those past issues, and then you will be ready for a relationship. And in fairness? The same is likely true of her. This is an extreme reaction and suggests she's got some deep issues of her own: 

10 hours ago, Borut2211 said:

sent her down a very bad self hate spiral

I get why it hurts to feel rejected, but the above is a lot - as is worrying that you have scarred her for life. You can't fix her pre-existing problems within herself, so please don't be too hard on yourself here. This was not caused solely by you.