So, I'm a divorced 42 year old guy that completely messed up what could be the best relationship ever. I met this beautiful woman online, i know everyone says so, but we had this really deep emotional connection from the start, we both felt like the wait is over and we found the promised one. We live a couple hours apart in different countries so it took us a while to start meeting in real life and when we did, it was so amazing, being in her presence felt out of this world good and she enjoyed her time a lot too. We kept on meeting but there was never any touching or intimacy happening, not because neither of us wanted it but i had the wrong mindset from start, we never really communicated it clearly and i was keeping my distance at all times, thinking she would not appreciate me trying to get closer. i knew a bit about her past and knew she had big trust issues with men and I wanted her to feel safe around me and that kinda went too far. She soon started showing me she wanted my closeness by her taking the lead and initiating the physical touch with cuddling and hugging. I was stuck in my believing she could not really want me, i had some pretty huge demons from my marriage and i froze in that place. We spent weeks together and i couldnt break thru some of my intimacy issues and she suffered greatly for it, waiting on me to come around and make her feel wanted. Thing is I wanted her from day one in all forms but my thinking was all messed up, believing i dont deserve her and a woman like that could never love me. We are still talking daily and it isn't an issue of lack of love but my actions or lack of those made her suffer so much, she felt unloved and ugly tho she really is the most beautiful woman i ever met and i tell her that all the time. But the thing she needed, the physical bond with a man she liked, that never happened for her. I know now how wrong I was and that it was my very distorted beliefs that held me back, i waited too long and now I'm losing her. TLDR, i hurt the woman i love and loved me by not making her feel as desired as she actually was by me, my communication was bad and now neither of us knows how to move on. I love her and want to make things right and I'm asking you people for advice. My question is, how do i make things better and repair the hurt i caused her? If we cant be together, i at least dont want her to be scarred by me for the rest of her life, she means the world to me and i want her to be happy.
Thing is, I rejected her twice and that sent her down a very bad self hate spiral. my reasons for that were of the worst kind, an insecurity i brought along from my previous relationship, she had no fault in that and didnt deserve any of it.