Relationship Advice

[tmc123]

Seeking advice on my relationship: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years, having started dating in high school. Now I'm currently in my final year of college (age 21), set to attend graduate school in the Fall, while he'll be spending his fifth year abroad in Spain for his engineering/spanish major (he is also 21 years old). Despite numerous discussions about our future, he used to express certainty about getting married. Lately, however, he's been making statements like "I might be a different person when I come back from Spain," suggesting that the experience might change him, and he's uncertain about our future together. I directly asked him if he wants to break up before leaving for Spain, and he insisted that he loves me and doesn't want to end things. Still, he admitted uncertainty about what the future holds. We are still very young, and both have plans for graduate school. Maybe that has something to do with it? But, it feels like he may not want to continue the relationship. Should we consider ending it?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, tmc123 said:

 I'm currently in my final year of college (age 21), set to attend graduate school in the Fall, while he'll be spending his fifth year abroad in Spain for his engineering/spanish major (he is also 21 years old). 

Sorry this is happening. It seems you're going in different directions in life despite being together for a long time.

Perhaps reflect if distance relationships are right for you. He seems to care about you but he's being realistic that being away and far apart may not work out. See what happens in the fall.

In any case please enjoy your life fully especially graduate school. While the idea of a security blanket is comforting, you may want consider setting yourself free to grow and explore life a bit yourself. 

[catfeeder]

I doubt you'l like my answer, as I learned my lesson the hard way by stunting my own development with a committed relationship from the age of 14. It turns you into an old boring married couple before you're even old!

Adolescence, which lasts through mid-20's, not age 18, if for growth and development and expansion, not for cramming oneself into a couple's mold. Ages 21 through 24 are typical times of breaking out of that mold for anyone who's been unfortunate to do it.

You'll likely find that there's a lot of catching up to do in terms of exploration, even while you observe that most of your peers who've not been tied down for all those years seem to be a lot more brave and resilient. Don't hesitate to ask them to help you navigate this time in your life, and I hope for your sake that you'll be willing to enjoy it without using the cage you might view as your safety net.

[smackie9]

I think he doesn't want to rush into a marriage/children just yet. You two have spent so much of your time together apart, he just wants to spend time getting to know each other....which I say seems very fair. He's right, he is not the same person, he's an adult, his life has changed, and so has yours. So take the pressure off and put those plans aside for a year and a half. Get settled back into dating, settle into careers, enjoy your new lives....see where things take you.

[Andrina]

He could be easing into a softer breakup once you two are apart for awhile.

Even if you decided to breakup, it'd be wise for you not to date anyone for a good year after spending 7 years being part of a couple.

What would I do in your shoes? I probably wouldn't break up, but I'd go about concentrating on graduate school and spending time with friends, and let him take bigger lead in reaching out to you while you two are apart. Perhaps you will get a better gauge on his intentions to show whether or not he wants to stay in your life. If you wind up seeing he's not as invested as you'd like, then of course, you can do the breaking up. Or, if you find you're enjoying the independence and not missing him much, you can then break up without waiting to see what his decision will be.

[shouldhavelearned]

You have spent in-person time getting to know each other.

 

Both of you should be a little bit nervous of seeing each other so frequently as things will be different.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  consider ending it.  He's uncertain about the future.  He doesn't have any concrete plans nor visions of a committed future with you.  It's all up in the air.  No sense remaining together without any plans beyond today.  It sounds like a waste of time to me.  You decide though.