Can’t stop thinking about this one night.

[taromilktea]

Alright. I (21F) have been dating my bf (33M) since May or June earlier this year. There’s been a lot on my mind about this relationship especially the age gap and other things as well. We both sometimes feel the age gap is little too much for each other, but we love each other. I’d like your opinions on the age gap as well, but that’s not the main concern for me right now. We see each other a couple times a week and we still have time to spend time with our own friends. I let him spend time with his friends, however there is one friend of his that I’m worried about. His friend is a flight attendant and she comes to our hometown every so often and my bf would go meet her and hang out. The first time they went to have drinks, and the second time they had dinner with their roommate. I do get a little jealous if he does hang out with his female friends, but it doesn’t bother me too much. However, the latest time that she came, she invited my bf to go out for dinner. As a last minute plan, she said she wanted Indian food and since my bf works in an Indian restaurant, he just brought food for the both of them from the restaurant as he likes to save money as well. As a result, he ended up going to her hotel room and eating there instead. Now I guess you can see where my doubts start to build up. He did message me throughout the night until he stopped replying at around 2am. I felt uneasy in my stomach throughout the whole night and it wasn’t until the morning that I found out that he spent the night there. I confronted him about the whole thing and he swear they didn’t do anything and that they were just friends. He said he only stayed because his close friend ask him to and it was late as well. I want to believe him, but the whole situation just feels off to me. I want to believe him because besides this situation, he treats me well. Someone help. I’ve also brought this up multiple times and he keeps saying he has nothing.  How can I stop thinking about this? 
Edit: he also said he won’t do it again so what should I do? Should I just wait and see?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

 it wasn’t until the morning that I found out that he spent the night there. 

Unfortunately it seems like they're hooking up/seeing each other whenever she's in town. Trust your instincts. 

Is this the same man?

 

[Capricorn3]

Definitely trust your instinct.  This definitely doesn't sound "innocent" (imo).

[taromilktea]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like they're hooking up/seeing each other whenever she's in town. Trust your instincts. 

Is this the same man?

Yes it is, I’m like half and half on this because he’s a person of good nature and he messaged me maybe every 5 minutes and provided proof of what of what he was doing, which was FaceTiming of their mutual friend. My thought was that he fell asleep around that time, which is something he does.  Not sure tho, the other times she’s in town they seemed like friends. He invited me to come that night too but I was a little busy. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

Yes it is,  the other times she’s in town they seemed like friends. He invited me to come that night too but I was a little busy. 

The relationship is a bit new and you want to trust him so all you can do is take a wait and see approach. Although they do seem like a lot more than "friends". 

[Andrina]

When you become serious with a partner, there needs to be accommodations made that are conducive to a mature, healthy relationship.

I know my leisure-time activities changed with friends once I met my future husband. I'd never risk the success of my relationship whereas I'd leave room for him doubting me.

It's not controlling to expect a partner to behave in the best interest of the primary relationship. Sometimes things can be fixed with communication. But you've already tried that. Though he's a lot older, you seem to be the more mature person in the relationship, though with your age, you lack major dating experience.

In this case, realize he doesn't care enough about you to make the needed changes about how he handles things with opposite sex friends.

Please think long and hard about how, in an ideal relationship, your partner would act as far as opposite sex friends go. Instead of expecting him to change in a major way, it's better to make an exit so you're free to eventually find someone who matches you in your views about this.

It's really not an anything goes sort of thing with friendships. There should be boundaries discussed BEFORE becoming exclusive, and if you don't match, make a quick exit before you fall in love.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, taromilktea said:

He said he only stayed because his close friend ask him to and it was late as well

Malarkey. 

Your area doesn't have taxis or Uber or some other way he could have gone home? He can't say "no, thank you" to his friend's request that he sleep over? Come on, now. He wanted to stay just as much as she wanted him there. No bueno. 

5 hours ago, taromilktea said:

How can I stop thinking about this? 

Your gut is trying to tell you something, OP. You shouldn't force yourself to stop thinking about it. You should be re-evaluating this boyfriend of yours instead. 

5 hours ago, taromilktea said:

I’d like your opinions on the age gap as well

I pesonally think it's too much at your respective ages. While you're both adults, you are not at the same point in your lives. You're just figuring out who you are, while he is already past that point. That is bound to cause issues. To be clear, I am not against age-gap relationships. I am actually 14 years youngers than my own partner, but we're also a lot older than you and your boyfriend. We met when were both mature, independent adults with plenty of life and relationship experience behind us. You and your guy are on two different levels at this point. 

But in my opinion, your ages aren't the biggest problem. It's his very questionable boundaries. 

[taromilktea]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I’ve had told him and he said he will keep things in mind going forward. This was maybe two months ago and he have been behaving so I’ll wait to see but I won’t tolerate something like this again. I think of this incident occasionally, but other days we are doing great, but let’s see. 

[taromilktea]

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He can't say "no, thank you" to his friend's request that he sleep over? Come on, now.

Yes I was thinking about this too, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he had work nearby it was early…. He was there pretty late as they met up after his work shift. The whole situation was weird but I doubted less when he gave proof. I guess the little doubt left is what made me write this post. I know people have close relationships with opposite genders as I do have one myself and I could see myself in that situation as well, so I’m not sure. With the age gap and everything, I guess I’ll see how his behavior progress. Thank you so much tho! This helped a lot. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Would he be okay if you're doing it with a man