Is it healthy to care for someone more than you care for yourself?

[Tpalm641]

Do you feel her moving away and not telling me until a week before is cause for a breakup or does she have good reasons. She says she wants to be with me and that I should have no doubts about that. But yet I can't help but think why did she hide something from me that I wanted so bad. Also when I ask her if I need to change anything she gives me a list of things I need to change to be with her. But when she asks me I say nothing cause I love who she is. Not saying she's perfect but that's who she is regardless. Do you feel it's right to have to jump through hoops in order to be with someone. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Tpalm641 said:

Do you feel her moving away and not telling me until a week before is cause for a breakup or does she have good reasons. . Also when I ask her if I need to change anything she gives me a list of things I need to change to be with her. 

Sorry to say but throwing objects around and smothering her is terrifying and not healthy for either of you. You shouldn't have to jump through hoops, but you may need to accept that she's distancing herself for her own wellbeing. Please try to take care of yourself and don't worry about any lists of changes. 

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Tpalm641 said:

Do you feel it's right to have to jump through hoops in order to be with someone. 

You don't seem to understand that throwing things and raging are frightening behaviors.  It's not "jumping through hoops" to realize how bad that is and to stop doing them.

Do you feel it's fine to behave like that? 

[Tpalm641]

Yes they are frighting behaviors I hundred percent agree. I do understand that I need to work on myself in order to better the relationship. However that is only one of the requirements in order to be with her though. I feel as though she wants to change parts of who I am in order to get things that I want for us In a relationship. Such as living together and having a family. Those things are yes to control my anger, be more extrovert, be more involved with her family, change my sense of humor. While I will work on those things. I don't know if that's a good sign when she asks me what I'd change about her and I say nothing cause yes she has faults and issues but that's who she is as a person. So who am I to ask her to change who she is in order to please me. I'm not referring to the toxic behavior btw. I agree that needs to change on my parts cause that's not who I am or want to be. 

[ShySoul]

On 12/23/2023 at 2:02 PM, Tpalm641 said:

. But when she asks me I say nothing cause I love who she is. Not saying she's perfect but that's who she is regardless. Do you feel it's right to have to jump through hoops in order to be with someone. 

No, you should not have to jump through hoops to be with someone. Love is accepting a person for who they are, both the strengths and the flaws. Yes, you might see things a person needs to work on and want them to address it for their own self improvement. But the point is that you work through things together and that both people are working on their issues. I see too often people have a checklist and expect someone to tick off every box, or expect another to change for them. That's not fair. When I love a person, romantially or even just as a friend, I try to accept them for them. I try to help them when I can and make sure they are helathy physically and emotional, but I never push them to be anything other then them. 

I think we all want to be loved for the person we are. My best friend told me years ago to be my true, authentic self and that would lead to healthier relationships. It's not good to change ourselves for others, only change ourselves if it's something negative that we know are harming ourselves. It sounds like you know what you need to work on, so work on it even if it's without her. Change for you. You might even find this relationship was holding you back. And you might find someone who is more intune with the person you naturally are. As an extreme introvert myself, I know that if someone wanted me to be extroverted, they would find it a nearly impossible task. My sense of humor is my sense of humor. Some things are baked into who we are as people and aren't going to change. So better to find those we align with then try to be something we are not.

[boltnrun]

I don't agree that throwing things and having rages either at or in front of the one you claim to love is something you shouldn't have to change.