Break up: me (29M) and my ex (25F) and now she is in a rebound relationship.

[foreignmero]

I (M29) dated my ex (F25) for a year and three months. We both travel for work and met unexpectedly in a small town just young and trying to make good money. She was 23 and I was 27 at the time. We both didn't have much and weren't really looking for relationships. Anyhow, she immediately liked me and I thought she was cute, but wasn't pursuing anything. Anyhow, during downtime at work we started talking about family, growing up, and just life in general. She was alone and my family was visiting for Christmas and New Years. New years happened to fall on a particular day that my family observes as a religious observance, so I decided to spend New years with her. Again, this wasn't a "fun date" we sat in small town America, drank beer and just talked about growing up poor and dealing with obstacles and the ***ed up *** we went through that somehow brought us to this place. I bought champagne and we celebrated new years in her old, ugly apartment and made love. Our first date was New years. The entire time we dated we were inseparable. It wasn't about being unhealthy, toxic or codependent. We had similar personalities, we just felt like most people were fake and didn't really mean you well and it was a breath of fresh air to see that we had someone who just appreciated the other person to be around. Very supportive in each others goals, whether gym, work, education. 3 months in, she said she needed to go back to her old state to get some things she left there while moving. I agreed to come along. She asked me to. The night before we went she became extremely emotional and she claimed that it was because of the woman who she rented a room from was critical of her addicted mom and that she just didn't want to deal with her and that she was distressed by it. Until this point we have never had an argument, it just seemed weird that she would cry over this. Mind you she said that her ex was abusive, cheated on her, pulled a gun on her and had some other girl pregnant. They broke up 8 months prior. Anyhow, I thought nothing of it. Turns out she still had this blanket from her ex and her dog's collar had his college on it as well, which I find suspicious. If someone treats you like that, you'd want to have nothing to do with them. Anyhow, later on I realized she had old pics of this abusive ex on Facebook. Which I don't understand, a guy pulls a gun on you, wouldn't you have nothing to do with him? She took them down, and threw out the dog collar, and in fairness, she got a new blanket before I asked her to.

I'm an old fashioned guy. I treat the lady like a lady, respect her, take care of her. I don't believe in these girl's trips and boy's trips. If you got friends drink a beer or go with your partner to something relaxed. No clubs and crazy *** unless you are together. No flirting with people who aren't your partner. Just how I am. One night we went to this bar. I ask her if she was ok I'm going to the bathroom. She said yes. I come back to this guy buying us drinks, and I see a picture of them on his phone, I take the shot. I say nothing. She says nothing. I get angry and tell her that we have to leave. On the entire ride home, she says nothing. We get home and I lose it. What happened? She said this guy came over and offered to buy her a drink, she said her boyfriend would not like that and then he asked for a picture because he wanted to post on snap chat to make it seem like he was out and having fun, so he bought us both a drink. I asked why she didn't refuse the picture and she started saying how it's hard for her to say no. What if he hit her and it was a weird position and she hates that sort of thing and she didn't want me to make a scene and I said, that's for me to decide. Then she starts crying and I ask her why. I keep hammering on why she didn't just say no thanks, I would be back in a second. She starts crying and admits that she was *aped first year of college. And then a guy groped her when he was drunk in front of friends in her third year. Just absolutely hysterical sobbing, about how she hasn't told anyone and how she's dirty and that I won't want her now that I know, she said she hasn't even told her father or her friends. How it would hurt him to know that his baby went through that. I have never judged a woman who has been assaulted and it has never been a deal breaker for me. And that hasn't changed.

We continued dating and then we went to a popular island for vacation. I make these plans, all the excursions, she loves traveling with me. I am a fun guy, I can dance, party with the locals blend into whatever population, go to the best restaurants, and still see the mountainside and take old train rides in Europe and this is always done cheap. I noticed she would always be staring at these guys. I know I'm a decent looking dude in shape but she's always staring at these tall attractive guys. What is interesting is that, she never seems to notice guys who are actually creepy and staring at her, because I am the one giving these guys the ***ing dirty looks to *** off. She's only staring at the attractive ones. So one night we go out and I start staring at this chick with this big ass and she was livid. We had a huge fight and I said if she liked that? Because that is what she is doing. As a guy, I do not stare at chicks if I am in a relationship. Period. She started crying again and said how this was because she is cautious of these guys and how they fit the description of her ex and I'm like, not all these guys look like your ex, you are looking at a number of guys who don't look like your ex. Then she said it had something to do with the college assault and again, I said, these guys you stare at don't look like that either, she then explains that it's sometimes body language or behavior that makes her nervous. These explanations just didn't add up to me at all. I broke up with her maybe three times total, she cried and begged for us to be back together. In truth, she never cheated on me. She bought me expensive dinners, I did as well. She always wanted to spend more time around me. As soon as she left work, she messaged me and was coming to my place. We moved in after six months, so it was near impossible for her to cheat. We went to three other countries after and she still would stare. After the last one I just couldn't do it anymore. I loved her and I saw how much I held back because of that. I wanted to give more but I just couldn't while she stared at other guys. This is someone who was always trying to please me, always wanted sex, begged me for more sex. Everything she did she consulted me, she changed her graduate degree because I merely mentioned something else. I told her she needed therapy and she did it and paid for it herself. She always said she did therapy to be better for me. She did ask for us to do therapy together so that I could understand a little more. We just never ended up doing it. She asked if she should cut her hair, I said yes, it was cut. She invested so ***ing much into the relationship. Every holiday, birthday was with her. I chose her nail polish. I bought her Gucci for her birthday so did she. When we met, she told me clearly that she wanted no kids, she said she was afraid that she would not know what to do, I think she felt that she'd be left alone not knowing what to and she'd be alone. But I spoke about children in a positive way, I raised my brother, and she realized that she could be the mother she never had and the last 8 months of our relationship she became obsessed with me giving her a kid and us getting married. The idea turned her on. She wanted me to be her kids dad. Our relationship just didn't seem built on garbage we had great conversations. We'd have road trips and talk for hours. We never sat on our phones when we went to dinner. We talked and held hands and made jokes then went home and had sex. I always looked out for her, in everything, if people bothered her at work, she came to me for solutions. She was not a great cook, but she always wanted to cook for me because I cooked for her.Anyhow, I was at the breaking point after the last vacation with the staring, so I moved to another state and moved her stuff with her because she had mandatory training for her job in March this year that was three months training. I new she wanted me to come see her graduate. I broke up with her the night before she left. She cried when we took our last shower together because that was something special for us from the beginning. I Drove her to the airport and told her bye, she cried boarding the flight as if leaving wasn't already hurtful, I carried her bags there. I drove home pissed, angry at the world, I haven't been at peace since. I still checked on her the following days. Then my anger grew and I started arguing with her about how she ***ed everything up for us. She asked me if I would come to her graduation and I said no. She told me she missed me and if we could stop fighting. I don't remember what I said. About a month later she gets on tinder. I confront her about it and we argue. We continue to argue sporadically. It is now the ending of May and she comes back for her things. We argue the night before she got there. She came and her stuff was in her room scattered everywhere the way she left it. She asked if she could take a shower and I said fine and I knew it was an invitation. She came to my door and said she would be showering. I said sure and did nothing. Her bags couldn't fit in her car, so I went out there and fixed it for her. I was always her man, I did those things, I fixed the problems, I took care of her. I called her the next day and said can we talk about things and she kept ignoring my calls. I asked where she was going she didn't answer. She kept doing this and I got so ***ing pissed.

Mid June, I argued with her and I asked if she wasn't happy single. She said no, and if I wanted us to try again. I said no. July, I sent her a message about an old friend of ours that I saw in a state we worked in. She responded and asked if I wanted us to go back to work at that same place. I said that it's fine if she went, they love her and she said, that doesn't matter she wanted us to go together. I argued and said, I wanted someone who prioritized me. I don't go on vacations worrying about abusive exes who don't matter anymore. All I cared about was that she was there and how much it would make her happy. She said that I wanted her to move on and that fine she would. She blocked me but I didn't know. Messaged her August, no response. I messaged her in September before her birthday because I really wanted to tell her happy birthday and just wanted to talk. Messaged her with my friends phone. She was cordial, asked how I was doing etc. I told her I was fine and then I asked if she wanted to come see me, I'd buy her flight and she told me that she was engaged. Less than 2 months after she asked for us to be back together. I call her and she keeps ignoring my calls. I message her and she responds that "it never had to be this way." "this is not what she wanted." I am pissed, she keeps ignoring my calls so I blow her phone up. Fast forward, I keep messaging her, she ignores me. I said I hope you are happy around mid October and she said "I did what you wanted me to do." I said that this was not what I wanted and her response was a hateful "You never did what I wanted." and if you knew our relationship you'd understand that she meant kids and marriage. I keep telling her we should talk. She doesn't.

Late October I finally get through to her and we speak on the phone for 40 minutes like we always did. I told her sorry for not trying to understand her assault better. I explained that I didn't break up to move on. It's difficult when you love someone as much as I loved her, to see her staring at some other guy. This was the person I told I wanted to have my kids in her eyes and meant it. I was hurt by it. I heard the break in her voice "it's not fair to wait until now to say this?" "I listened to what you said about how women should find a good man who treats them good, and that's what I have. It's not fair to him. He does everything for me." I have continuously sent her messages and blown her phone up that she responds to periodically (we have never done this in our relationship and always criticized people who never responded to their partner). Recently she responded to a message and said "You always said I didn't know what I wanted, but I assure you I did." I asked her yesterday if we are going to be like our parents who both got divorced but never found anyone else who loved them as much. And she responded "I didn't want any of this. It's just disappointing it came to this conclusion when it was too late. But I am happy."

These aren't the words of someone who is happy while affirming their own disappointment. You don't get engaged in less than 2 months after saying you want to be with someone else. She can never admit that she loves this guy or that she has a better relationship than what we had. She admitted that she loved me on the phone though. She still has her Facebook background set to a picture of fireworks, I took on our New Years anniversary last year. I took her on a boat to celebrate.I just don't ***ing know anymore. Your analysis.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She blocked you and she's engaged now so all you can do is move on. Please stop trying to circumvent the block. The last thing you need is a restraining order against you or a harassment and stalking complaint.

Try to get a better handle on the angry, possessive controlling behavior.  Unfortunately if you grew up witnessing abuse, you may have a blind spot as to how abusive and controlling you were under the guise of "being the man".

[shouldhavelearned]

Let her be

Go NC

Find your happiness 

[foreignmero]

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Try to get a better handle on the angry, possessive controlling behavior.  Unfortunately if you grew up witnessing abuse, you may have a blind spot as to how abusive and controlling you were under the guise of "being the man".

I appreciate that you at least say "sorry this happened." and that your first paragraph was actually some kind of mild prescription. I think society has this tendency to really bypass all forms of female inadequacy or the ability to say anything at all that somehow questions or ridicules poor female behavior or decision making.

Was I possessive? Yes. But not any more than she was. I said no girls nights out/girl's trips, but deep down she didn't want me going out with a bunch of guys to the bars either while she stayed home alone. Did she want me flirting with a bunch of girls? Staring at girls? No!! She didn't. It was very clear that neither of us wanted this. Yes!! I wanted her all to myself and she knew that and loved it. I didn't want someone else. Know who I learned that from? A WOMAN who unashamedly told me how I felt once. She told me how selfish she was for me and how jealous she felt when she saw me near other women and I realized I felt the same and that healthy jealousy cannot be unnatural or a bad thing.

Was I controlling? Yes. I love being in control. Know why? Being in control meant that when I said that We would not disrespect each other and say things like "*** you", "*** off", call each other "***." That's exactly what happened! When she would ask if she should spend her money on Designer handbags, I said no. Save your money! That resulted in her saving so much ***ing money, she had more than I did even though I made more (I spent more). Being in control meant that when we went to the grocery store, I paid for everything even when she insisted she would. Being in control meant that when people (all the other strong women who do not give a *** about her) at work tried to make her do more work, pressure her, I told her not to do it and say *** them and she did as she was told. Being in control meant, choosing our jobs despite being challenging to her and her being hesitant, but me having a plan for her to succeed, she listened and she not only did well. She ***ing nailed it. She now has far more experience and a very strong resume.

And yes I grew up witnessing abuse. My father was not around, and neither was my brother's. SO from birth until now, I have been my brother's "father." And I've done a damn good job! I have been the guiding hand in my mother's life, even as a kid. I am the one who has spent their life in disgust of men who abuse women like my mother. My life's goal was to be nothing like my father or brother's father. I know what real abuse looks like, the cheating, the beating, the hot cold behavior, the gaslighting, arguments, intimidation. It has been my life's goal to be nothing like them.

People/women are so quick to attach these terms of abuser, narcissist, manipulator to men who it doesn't even apply to and what is strange is that the men who actually do this type of *** does not  get criticized and the woman does not get criticized for involving themselves with such people. When if the roles were reversed and a man places himself in the hand of a woman who takes his money, belittles him and treats him poorly, women and men rally to say how much of an idiot he is and how does he not see what is happening? And that he is ultimately responsible for letting someone treat him this way. The double standard is damning.

Then we claim to care about men's mental health. So, I am going through the worst breakup in my life, emotionally distressed and then I am supposed to somehow accept that I have failed at my goal of not being like my father or my mom's abusive ex or even my exe's ex who pulled a gun on her because I somehow fall into the same category as these men? By ensuring that she builds her money, goes to therapy, have the security in her relationship that neither she nor her partner cheats, progresses and learns in her job, and not disrespect her partner (me), but also not tolerate disrespect (from me), build a relationship with her father who loves her. You don't need a microscope to see the difference in behavior. This is the type of thing that drives a lot of men insane and towards suicide. Then we claim to care about men's mental health. Telling a man who has witnessed abuse firsthand that he is also an abuser only cause psychological distress. I am a decent man, an imperfect man, but an abuser I am not.

[Jaunty]

She is not posting here.  You are.  "Female behavior" and "men's mental health" aside, this is  about you.

You are exhibiting controlling behavior that is alarming.   At this point, your relationship is in the past and anything that she says or does is not your business.   

You'd be wise to block and delete her from everything so you don't see what she's up to.  

[foreignmero]

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She is not posting here.  You are.  "Female behavior" and "men's mental health" aside, this is  about you.

The fact that you think this statement made sense is nothing short of shocking. Unfortunately, I so happen to be a man and dealing with a distressing situation such as a break up, psychologically falls under mental health. So "men's mental health aside" while proceeding to discuss a man's mental health is simply absurd. So I agree with you, this is about me, who happens to be a man.

 

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You are exhibiting controlling behavior that is alarming.

Lmao. These over exaggerations are so ridiculous. It's such a strange thing that these words have now come to mean virtually anything, rendering them meaningless. Controlling behavior is doing things to make the person psychologically, socially, financially and emotionally dependent on you and have everything center around you, so that you can tell them any nonsense and they believe it/do it.

Here's a definition I found online

"Controlling people want to have control or assert power over another person."

This is such a vague definition, that would make any girlfriend who is trying to convince her boyfriend to take her to get ice cream "controlling." This is the vague usage most people today use to define controlling, so that anything someone doesn't like now becomes "controlling behavior." I don't like you flirting with this guy? "You sound controlling." "You shouldn't buy that, you have other expenses." "Stop trying to control what I spend." Don't sleep with other people. "Sounds like controlling my sexuality."

A girlfriend wanting her boyfriend to buy her ice cream is trying to assert power or control over another person's action, so that the person can acquiesce to getting her ice cream, but this is not "controlling behavior" and is only controlling under this stupid definition. 

If you assess everything I did. Nothing was seeking to isolate her, in fact being with me made her even more independent and created more self respect and encouraged healthier relationships. Controlling men, don't let you save more money than them, controlling men don't tell you to make friends and talk to the people who matter to you; your family etc and go out with them; just not to nightclubs and parties with a bunch of horny drunk men. Controlling men don't tell you to stop comparing yourself to women on social media. Controlling men don't tell you how to navigate your career successfully. Controlling men don't tell you to go to therapy why would they do that? To figure out your controlling ways? It doesn't add up.

False accusations can really have serious consequences in someone's life. Don't make them before understanding. I posted this, prepared to hear some harsh truths like. "You effed up bro." "Leave her alone" "Next time do this.""Think of this____""She shouldn't have ____" Just a balanced analysis, not rubbish like I was controlling or abusive. It's so far off the topic and so far off of what actually happened.

[SooSad33]

On 11/19/2023 at 3:28 AM, foreignmero said:

Everything she did she consulted me, she changed her graduate degree because I merely mentioned something else. I told her she needed therapy and she did it and paid for it herself. She always said she did therapy to be better for me. She did ask for us to do therapy together so that I could understand a little more. We just never ended up doing it. She asked if she should cut her hair, I said yes, it was cut. She invested so ***ing much into the relationship. Every holiday, birthday was with her. I chose her nail polish. I bought her Gucci for her birthday so did she. When we met, she told me clearly that she wanted no kids, she said she was afraid that she would not know what to do, I think she felt that she'd be left alone not knowing what to and she'd be alone. But I spoke about children in a positive way, I raised my brother, and she realized that she could be the mother she never had and the last 8 months of our relationship she became obsessed with me giving her a kid and us getting married. The idea turned her on. She wanted me to be her kids dad

Wow 😕 , IMO, this all sounds like a sad woman who's been 'trauma bonded' ( from her abusive ex, results), as well as her watching everyone.  it's the behaviour of a 'hypervigilant' person.  We watch everything!  Always afraid or unsure of those around us.

As for her behaviour of 'wanting to please you', is due to her insecurities and inability to 'think for herself', but depending heavily on someone else for opinions on what SHE should do 😕 . And always 'aiming to please', fearing possibly being faulted etc.

As for YOU,  why are you giving her hell because she's on Tinder, when you ended things with her?  That's her choice, not your anger & frustrations going at her to have her stop!

Same goes for how you've been towards her in your own ways... so angry with her to just 'looking' at men.. Then in turn, you do it yourself - Just to make her upset.. wow 😞 .

 

On 11/19/2023 at 3:28 AM, foreignmero said:

She said that I wanted her to move on and that fine she would. She blocked me but I didn't know. Messaged her August, no response. I messaged her in September before her birthday because I really wanted to tell her happy birthday and just wanted to talk.

Messaged her with my friends phone. She was cordial, asked how I was doing etc. I told her I was fine and then I asked if she wanted to come see me, I'd buy her flight and she told me that she was engaged. Less than 2 months after she asked for us to be back together. I call her and she keeps ignoring my calls. I message her and she responds that "it never had to be this way." "this is not what she wanted." I am pissed, she keeps ignoring my calls so I blow her phone up.

Fast forward, I keep messaging her, she ignores me. I said I hope you are happy around mid October and she said "I did what you wanted me to do."

Okay, THIS is a super Creepy EX, who's possessive type behaviour and YOU need to stop it! I would really come to dispise an ex who's blowing up my phone! Oh wait, I had one... yah, not impressive at all, but makes YOU look worse.

She is right!  You ended it with her, then fps leave her alone to move on!!

 

On 11/19/2023 at 3:28 AM, foreignmero said:

." I have continuously sent her messages and blown her phone up that she responds to periodically (we have never done this in our relationship and always criticized people who never responded to their partner).

- But, you are NOT her partner.. you fail to see this. You two are done now. You really need to back off this poor girl and work on accepting what is.  She's move on and is NOT with you.  she owes you nothing!

As for her, she'll benefit from some therapy, to deal with her deep rooted issues.

Anyways - is time YOU stopped contacting her and leave her alone to move on.  It was a realtionship of leas than 1.5 years.  You were not married, so let her go!

Have some self respect here and respect her wishes.

Admit the fact you two are NOT compatible.  And leave her alone now. I get it, you're super upset with the whole thing, but comes a time, where it's time to start to work on accepting it's done and let it go.  It will NOT change until you start working on this, and nothing will start getting easier for you until you stop contacting her.

There's step no 1.  Stop contacting her.  Work at moving on now.  Hang with friends, get your own life going.