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Traumatic experience hunted me for a long time

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One year ago I went to a party with my friend and mutual friends of my boyfriend I have been drinking for 2 days as it was a vacation trip and everything is fine and in the night of the party we had dinner then I had 2 glasses of wine with food, after food i had a cocktail few sips then everyone was having shots form a tray done by the organisers and on of them (knows my bf) handed it to me and insists on me taking it as it’s a party, after that shot I don’t even remember the way back to the hotel, we all live in the same one, he took me upstairs to help me then took me to his room, I remember flashbacks of him forcing me to come in and me saying No, me vomiting all over the room, he went down the hotel and steal the key to another room and he took me there then showered me then tried to have sex with me but he couldn’t perform, there was some sexual activities I remember few between me sleeping and waking up and passing out again, the next morning i was so scared and ashamed of myself and he convinced me to cover the story up to protect my reputation and my relationship with my boyfriend but didn’t admit what he has done (or we in his version later on), even my own friend who was with my in that trip said nothing happened he was just trying to help you, i haven’t reply a single word as i was shocked in a corner in the room. it has been one year and I am still suffering to the point of I finally told my boyfriend so he can ask him what happened, after lying about it several times he admitted of sexual activities saying it was silly sex between 2 drunk people and didn’t mean anything and saying that I was the one asking for it. After that night I woke up the next day with a wound in my nose and a black eye (he says he doesn’t know anything about it). I had to cover it up everyday and kept what happened to myself as I blamed me for my actions. And i have the evidence as a picture which I showed my bf. Everyone tried to tell me it was a mistake done by the 2 of us but deep down my feelings are just traumatised and very scared, ashamed and really hating myself. My bf was just angry and ashamed of me as because according to him I made a mistake with his friends. I am very confused but also relieved as I confronted the man by texting him that I did not consent to him to even help me and he should’ve left me alone. I am a responsible person who never has this kind of issue, very loyal to my partner and successful in my career but what happened really destroyed my entire existence and how I view myself.

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7 minutes ago, Maria1990 said:

 Was I delusional and only because I felt guilty about what happened and in fact I consented to it as he said? How can I move on with my life after such experience?

Sorry this happened. It's good you discussed this with your BF and his friend. Unfortunately whatever was going on is difficult to accurately reconstruct so it comes down to a he said/she said situation as far as your BF listening to your version of the events and his friend's version of the events.

The best thing you can do is privately and confidentiality seek out a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack sort out and discuss your feelings.

Please stop communicating with the alleged perpetrator and step back from your BF and this group of people. It doesn't seem like you can trust any of them. 

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58 minutes ago, Maria1990 said:

Was I delusional and only because I felt guilty about what happened and in fact I consented to it as he said?

If we are talking in legal terms, legally speaking, since you were very drunk, you cant consent even if you said "Yes". Because you were in no position to give consent at all. So, even if you somehow consented, its still a rape. Not to mention stuff like wound and a black eye. So what happened is definitely a rape.

Sorry that you didnt get support from your boyfriend. And I dunno if legal action would be succesfull after all that time. For that kind of things its usually best to turn to police immediately. But you can certanly work on overcoming the trauma. By finding a good therapist and working with them on it.

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