I just found out my ex is dating someone else, how do I cope?

[MrsWise]

As the title says, I found out my ex is now dating someone else and had been for the last month. It feels like a second heart break since I was still clinging to hope...at first I was numb but now it's starting to sink in and I have been bursting into tears. it's been few days..for those who have been through it,  would did it took  for he pain to subside and stop caring that they're with someone new?

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, MW. You don't mention, how long were you with this man?

It sounds as though you are moving through natural stages of grief. Those are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Just not necessarily in that order, and not as a neat and linear pattern that you can measure and identify where you stand on some arbitrary grief timeline.

These are more like cycles that you revisit over and over again until you work through them--sometimes several in a day or week or month. While it's natural to hope for a reconciliation, it's practical to recognize that we can't will another person into behaving as we would wish. Most of us have experienced this pain, and I hope you will feel welcome to write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

Awww, yeah, that can sting 😕 ....  As asked, can you explain a little more on this?  How long involved? When did it end?

The only way through it is to just deal with it.  We 'feel', so pain is to be expected ( stages of grief). So, if you need to cry, let it out. ❤️ 

If you just happened to see them, that' sucks.. IF someone's telling you about his actions, ask them to stop that!  Because the less we know, the better.  Believe me. .. I had an ex live way too close for too long, where I had to see more than I wanted to 😕 .

I also found journaling helpful- all that you want to say to him, say it there. I'd often write like I was telling him off.. I was upset, I was hurting 😞 .  I wrote for months, until I just stopped.

 Also, getting lost in my music for a while also helped. As does nature. get out for a walk, get some sun.  Go hang with friends/family.  And keep busy best way you can... in order to try & not him on your mind constantly.

Basically it's just time, to get over it all.  One day at a time.

Feel free to post again..  TC, you're not alone.  🙂 

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't keep up with what they're doing

 

Work on yourself and doing things that make you happy

[goddess]

I truly understand the heartache and pain that you are experiencing.  Unfortunately, there is no magic pill that takes the pain away.  The only thing that will help is time.  How long?  It depends on the individual.  You will experience a roller coaster of emotions, which is normal after a loss. 

I will share my story with you.  I was married for 29 years.  He blindsided me when he asked for divorce.  It felt like my whole world fell apart.  I was a total mess for months.  I cried and cried, couldn't sleep well at all, had trouble eating (lost 20 pounds), had trouble being interested in anything, etc. 

I moved out and went back one day to pick up some things that I left behind only to find an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on my sink, extra towels.  That was 11 days after I moved out!  He had already someone stay overnight.  There are no words that fully describe how I felt.  

Slowly, and I mean slowly, I began to heal.  I focused on hobbies that made me happy.  In my case, all my friends turned their backs to me.  Really ***ty thing to do, for sure.  However, I had my two amazing sons, my brother and his wife, my ex MIL and my ex SIL who comforted me and supported me in my time of need.

It's been 4.5 years since my divorce and I can honestly say that I feel so much better nowadays.  I don't cry anymore, I rarely think of him.  Once in a while, I will think of some good times but I learned to stop that.  It serves no purpose.  Instead, I concentrate on all the good things in my life.  

So, if I can do it, so can you, Mrs. Wise.  He's not worth your tears.  Don't give him that power.  You will heal slowly, I promise.  Remember that time is the answer.  Hang in there in the meantime.  Take good care of yourself, OK?  Sending you virtual hugs.  

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, goddess said:

... Unfortunately, there is no magic pill that takes the pain away.  The only thing that will help is time.  How long?  It depends on the individual. 

Yes, and decide which direction you'll put your thumb on the scale.

Healing grief is not something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation. We own a great deal of influence over the length of time, the level of difficulty and the way we perceive our own efficacy and level of confidence with the outcome. If we opt to use our intelligence against ourselves with a critical inner voice that sinks us into a deeper hole to climb out of, then no, healing will not just happen optimally against that factor. That's a perfect way to lead to something called 'complicated grief,' and that doesn't lift on it's own--it's a life changer.

So let's support one another in recognizing that the inner voice we feed into our own brain matters. It's okay to question, to vent, to rail in anger, and it's even okay to go a bit negative or bizarre now and then before sleeping on it and coming back into some conscious choices.

Do I want to make this experience easier or harder for myself? Am I capable of challenging the voice that I run in my head as critical, just by habit, or can I use that voice instead as an inspiring coach? Can I set some goals to strive TOWARD rather than allowing myself to stagnate in rumination about the past? Do I have enough love for friends, family and my community to reach outside myself and make my time with them about them-not-me, so that they can serve as grounding influencers that help to normalize me beyond my grief? Do I own the capacity to meet new people, explore new interests and build a satisfying future for myself, solo, before attempting to reach for my next lover?

This is the stuff that can make-or-break our healing. This does not imply that grief is 'wrong' or 'bad,' it's just a reminder that we have more control over outcomes than we may recognize while in the throes of grief.