Is this normal in a long term relationship.

[B9339]

If you get into a long term commuted relationship and you’re emotionally connected as well as having amazing physical intimacy. Everything seems great days out. Being there for each other just everything is perfect and the intimacy physical side is great too. At the beginning.

Then as time goes on they seem to make less effort as they just assume you’re going to stay after building up a strong relationship.

First the sex life fades away. I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood or just an outright no. Then even a cuddle seems like a chore.

Then the emotional side seems to fade away too it’s like they put all the effort into start them they get bored of you.

I’ve only ever been in long term relationships and not many at that I’ve ever had one nighters and the like. I still go out of my way to do surprises and little romantic gestures and gifts I open up I ask how they’re feeling. But it don’t matter how much I try it’s a wasted effort.

Currently I’m at this stage again and the last time I had this once I’d given up and split they were seeing and definitely sleeping and going out with someone new within a month. After being together for 8 years. Now I’m in the same boat again after 3.5 years and just want to know is this the normal am I just unlucky.

Sometimes I wonder if my partner already chats to other men or just has eyes on someone else because I give the world and everything I can possibly give from me and it seems like whatever I do it’s never enough after the first year or 2. Like my prior to this relationship that lasted 8 years I feel like so much of my life got wasted and I don’t want this to take that same route.

So any advice or experiences would be great because I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried askng her now she feels if she’s ok Ive opened up about how I feel and my own issues and I get nothing apart from I’m fine nothing is wrong.
 

I don’t know anymore men seem to get stick for a lot of stuff or be told to man up but I feel like giving up every bit of me I give and I just cant have this happen every time. Like I have needs that clearly are not cared about being met even if I give it my all. 

[Andrina]

That is upsetting, when you invest years in someone, hoping for a happy lifetime together, and then everything falls apart.

Can I ask what your life is like besides having a partner? Do you have guy friends? Do you have a hobby? What's your ideal of the amount of intimacy you'd like in a week's time? Have you ever been called a people pleaser? Did you and your partner have group friends or other couples you've hung out with? What did you two do together for outings?  I'm just trying to see a bigger picture to give better advice. 

But yes, relationships are like a houseplant. If it's ignored, it will die. But no, it's not normal for couples who care enough for both to be happy.

[B9339]

I work full time I earn decent money better than average, I do have guy friends and associates, I do have hobbies that I spend a little time every now and then doing, but life is generally ok we just got back from a holiday too which I paid for. My ideal amount of intimacy? I don’t know I mean once a week would be nice I don’t expect it to be as mad as when we got together and it was like daily. I get that. But now we’re talking months and in all honestly when it happens she has no interest or is into it it’s probably just because she’s getting worried about me leaving and just puts out for the sake of that. However now I just wonder if it’s me that’s unattractive or unsatisfying or if it’s an emotional connection issue however I try to open up and have discussions but where can I get when it’s just the I’m fine we’re good answer. 
It’s just like it’s gone stagnant, like I’d say it’s probably like living with a housemate or in a house share now I mean we share a bed but we’re not close in the bed even. 
 

outings wise we go for meals out, walks in the country or to nice parks, sometimes it will be a surprise on my behalf. Which she seems happy with when there and soon as we’re home it’s like I’m a mate again. 
 

im almost to the point where I feel like giving up and have had to come on here to vent out because whatever I say to her seems to be listened to but ignored. 
 

and I’ve not been called a people pleaser however I am someone who would rather see someone else happy. 
 

 

[Andrina]

Yeah, not much more you can do, really, since talking hasn't worked to resolve anything. I'd just sit down with her when you're both mellow and say, "I can't live like this anymore. You say everything's fine with you. Well, it's not fine for me, so we have opposite views on what it means to be happy in a relationship."

If you stay, you're settling. That's no way to live your one precious life, because there are no do-overs. Hard and frustrating to start over, but when you meet a lifetime keeper, you will thank yourself. 

You sound like a prize, so if anyone takes you for granted, it's time to exit.

[B9339]

16 hours ago, Andrina said:

Yeah, not much more you can do, really, since talking hasn't worked to resolve anything. I'd just sit down with her when you're both mellow and say, "I can't live like this anymore. You say everything's fine with you. Well, it's not fine for me, so we have opposite views on what it means to be happy in a relationship."

If you stay, you're settling. That's no way to live your one precious life, because there are no do-overs. Hard and frustrating to start over, but when you meet a lifetime keeper, you will thank yourself. 

You sound like a prize, so if anyone takes you for granted, it's time to exit.

Yeah I think I need to have a little more self respect and call it a day. I just feel I end up settling as it’s made me get to a point where I feel like I’m unattractive, unwanted and that there’s something wrong with me. But I give everything and still feel rejected. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, B9339 said:

Yeah I think I need to have a little more self respect and call it a day. I just feel I end up settling as it’s made me get to a point where I feel like I’m unattractive, unwanted and that there’s something wrong with me. But I give everything and still feel rejected. 

Why are you giving "everything" to someone who doesn't deserve it and isn't treating you respectfully? That's not true giving from a place of reasonable confidence -you're giving as a people pleaser mostly- right?  How does that feel and how would it feel to give to someone who also gave to you? Would that be a little boring maybe? Is there an element of challenge you like in how you do your one-sided "give everything?" Sometimes we do have to double down and give everything to our partner -most of the time our partner doesn't want that if it means us giving up too much/too much sacrifice.  I can think of many examples of this in my marriage.  Where is this "give everything" mindset coming from?

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, B9339 said:

Currently I’m at this stage again and the last time I had this once I’d given up and split they were seeing and definitely sleeping and going out with someone new within a month. After being together for 8 years. Now I’m in the same boat again after 3.5 years and just want to know is this the normal am I just unlucky.

In moving forward, think about how long you stayed past what should've been the expiration date. Waiting around way too long and hoping for change will be wasting a lot of your time after discussions haven't worked. Something to learn from in future dating. I know how the wrong partner can make you feel "less than" which is not true, because I've experienced the same. With the upcoming holidays, make sure to plan some enjoyable activities with your buddies to get through the most difficult part--the beginning--of your breakup. Keep your eye on the New Year looming on the horizon, full of new possibilities. Take care.