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3 months to reframe...


Sindy_0311

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On 11/17/2023 at 12:22 AM, Batya33 said:

I'm impressed at how direct and open you were right from the beginning.  Maybe he knows some suitable men for you?

We will have a drink on Monday. I still need to make my opinion about his “real” friendship intentions… but he is sweet. 

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14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had many one and done dates. Some were awesome. I always assumed it was the last date unless and until we had a time and place plan for another date. 

Yes… maybe. Someone told me something very true, some married couples don’t experience even one week of joy together… I divorced to find that again, might it be the illusion of one single date or a few weeks relationship, I’m glad I can experience these joyful moments again. So no matter what, if not with him, I know it’s somewhere out here. The universe is just whispering to me: « not now… » 😊

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51 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yes… maybe. Someone told me something very true, some married couples don’t experience even one week of joy together… I divorced to find that again, might it be the illusion of one single date or a few weeks relationship, I’m glad I can experience these joyful moments again. So no matter what, if not with him, I know it’s somewhere out here. The universe is just whispering to me: « not now… » 😊

I mean of course that is true.  Especially in arranged marriages or where people marry under  false pretense or for the wrong reasons.  So? I like joyful moments too - I experience them in marriage/alone/with friends. I just don't follow your point here. 

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I mean of course that is true.  Especially in arranged marriages or where people marry under  false pretense or for the wrong reasons.  So? I like joyful moments too - I experience them in marriage/alone/with friends. I just don't follow your point here. 

I was referring to joyful moments in dating or having a relationship. I like the thrills of knowing someone new and developing attraction etc… I had more joyful moments in that term in the last two years than during my 10years marriage. And if a new relationship doesn’t last, then it’s not a drama, it’s just that it’s not time yet… I will stay positive by enjoying meeting new guys… 

of cours I also have joyful moments outside of dating 😁

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3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I was referring to joyful moments in dating or having a relationship. I like the thrills of knowing someone new and developing attraction etc… I had more joyful moments in that term in the last two years than during my 10years marriage. And if a new relationship doesn’t last, then it’s not a drama, it’s just that it’s not time yet… I will stay positive by enjoying meeting new guys… 

of cours I also have joyful moments outside of dating 😁

Oh I see -yes I enjoy that sort of excitement too and used to enjoy too much the thrill of the chase. Because of that I sometimes got in my own way of finding something lasting.  For me new relationships sometimes didn't last because of timing but there could be and were many other reasons.  

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Finally went for a drink with my new guy friend. Was weird but great. Still, I’m not sure whether he sees me like that. He is a cutie, actually looking better that last time I saw him. He said something strange… he said: I never had such a deep connected discussion like the one  we are having tonight with my ex during 15years… but he also confessed about fooling around and showing me his list of contacts, the girls he is actually entertaining and explaining about how he proceeds etc… I’ve learnt a lot from him about men tonight and also It made me laugh a lot. He is funny. I hope our friendship, if it’s one, will last… 

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2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Finally went for a drink with my new guy friend. Was weird but great. Still, I’m not sure whether he sees me like that. He is a cutie, actually looking better that last time I saw him. He said something strange… he said: I never had such a deep connected discussion like the one  we are having tonight with my ex during 15years… but he also confessed about fooling around and showing me his list of contacts, the girls he is actually entertaining and explaining about how he proceeds etc… I’ve learnt a lot from him about men tonight and also It made me laugh a lot. He is funny. I hope our friendship, if it’s one, will last… 

I'm glad you had fun!  Please keep in mind you don't learn about "men" in this way IMO -just this particular person and how he chooses to interact with people he is attracted to.  

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  • 1 month later...

Since past October:

  •  Social life (Friends, colleagues, family) 

I got some new buddies. Not friends yet because this takes more time. I have two girl friends. And one guy… we will see how it goes with him. I cut contact with some people; my ex-husband included. I do no longer tell him about my life. we only talk about our son. Its way healthier. I also interact more with my work colleagues, try to be more open and warmer. We had our Christmas diner yesterday at work and one of my female colleagues told me how she enjoyed spending the evening together, that was so kind of her. Also noticed that I’m more open with strangers, with neighbors, at the grocery store or the coffee shop, or my clients I try to always be kind and talk to people a little more. 

 

  •  Health (Sport, food, check up, stop smoking)

Still training three times a week, I eat mostly correctly, but I still smoke,.. Check-up will be February 2024. 

 

  •  Hobbies (Develop my independent activity and find one new hobby)

I had a lot of work lately and couldn’t really clear my mind to develop my independent activity. I feel like my creativity is solicited so much and that I don’t have more room for something else. So my hobbies are mainly exercising, watching tv, and texting with friends. My energy level is always very low in December. 

 

  •  Discipline (Stick to a healthy routine)

It’s getting better… I try to find ways to make my routine easier. Like organizing stuff in the evening for the next morning. Having only one day of laundry instead of doing here and there, stuff like that… But I still lack in discipline in cleaning my kitchen better. 

 

  •   Psychology (Read books, therapy, find peace) 

I think I found peace… I’m not 100% good but I know that I will get better because I’m making efforts. I feel less lonely. Before, I used to feel lonely when I was going home after work and my son was at his dads for the week. Now instead of going home after work, I go exercising for an hour, chatting with people and then I go home. This really helps a lot. Also, I have my new buddies I’m daily talking to or texting. 

 

  • Relationships (Slow down OLD and meet people in RL) 

I have been slowing down OLD drastically. In 3 month, I met only 4 guys. I’m not motivated in doing more. I think I will just let life bring me my person. I’m more focused on exploring other possibilities and developing any kind of friendships. The guy I knew two years ago and met last month, we are still talking texting every day. We are both alone on the 24th so we decided to cook something together and enjoy our time. He will come visit me and stay for the evening. I’m still convinced that he is trying for sex, but I don’t care, I enjoy his company and will accept his “friendship” for what it is. 


Note: my hair is growing too slow. I hate my current haircut, but I decided to let it grow longer, so I will have to be patient. 


My 3 months of reframing will end on the 31th of December, in 8 days, My son will be with his dad again and I’m starting to think about how I want to spend that night. Should I stay alone? Should I invite a friend to do something or try something by my own... I don’t know yet… 

And what is coming next? Do I need more time to reframe? Is it time to upgrade after reframing? What comes next? 
 

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  • 2 months later...

Last year I decided to give myself 3 month to reframe. Which I did well until last day of the year 2023. 

Then came january, met someone, hanged out with him until mid-February. It didn’t work out. I had my little accident also in February, which kinda made me derail from my workout routine. I haven’t exercised much since then. I had my complete checkup one week ago, I’m in good health, everything seems fine. I started dating a new guy casually. He is great but I have low expectations about any outcome. I just enjoy his company from time to times. 

So I guess everything is going good. Still, I find myself very tired and exhausted. I’m anxious and don’t know why. I am not motivated and often feel sad. I think I’m getting low again. I’m considering taking meds again. If there no change after I begin exercising next week, I will take them. I think that the last relationship affected me more than I thought. Now I just need to figure out what I’m going to change to make my life better, to empower myself… I already have some Ideas for the next three month: from 25th of march until 25th of June : Three month to progress.

These are the areas I want to develop: 

Health (exercise, eat healthy, stop smoking, sleep better, stop drinking)

Work (change workplace, apply for another job, better paid one) 

Physical appearance (get my teeth whitened, remove some wrinkles, do more facelift massages, Have my leg surgery done in April, find a new clothing style maybe add some colors to it or just change my minimalist wardrobe for summer)

Make more money. Some ideas: sell all the clothes that I don’t wear and all the garbage I have stored, get some freelance jobs, prospect new clients, Be a nanny for some hours in the week when I’m with my son. 

Social life: try to volunteer somewhere, at my son’s soccer club, my crossfit club or anywhere else.

Hobbies Do more of what I like to do: go salsa dancing, paint or craft stuff… find something new. 

Routine: change some aspects of my appartement, change furniture or rearrange them for a new start.Declutter my kitchen and my closet. Get even more minimalist…

Relationships: do not look for anything serious.

 

I will start next Monday with : Going back to the gym, declutter my kitchen and my closet (sort the items I want to sell) maybe rearrange some furniture if I have extra time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I had tough evening. I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine. We have been talking a lot about parenthood, especially single parents. I told her how I was struggling financially. Trying to provide for my son but also knowing that my situation is not the same as his dads and that the more he is growing up he senses the difference. I live in a small appartement. He has his bedroom and I sleep on the couch in the living room. I cannot buy new clothes whenever I want to, I can’t take him on holidays, I can’t buy him expensive toys. And I’m trying hard to make it. But I know he feels that I’m stressed, anxious and I don’t want to make him feel bad about my situation. My friend she told that maybe I should just leave my son to his dad because she experienced living with her mom and feeling her anxiety. I work full time job, I barely see my son throughout the week. The only entire free days we can spend together are Sundays, twice a month. His dad lives in a 150m square rooftop with his new girlfriend. He shares coasts with her, and me, I’m still miserable in my tiny apparement trying to make it through the end of the month… I don’t even can afford having my own car. I feel tired and exhausted not being able to give my son the life he deserves, and am considering leaving full custody to his dad. At least I won’t damage my son with my anxieties and stress and let him enjoy the life he deserves with his dad. 

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Hi Sindy - you've posted before about some issues with your  ex's judgement and behavior with your son where alcohol is concerned as well as with some other circumstances; one where your child  was injured.   I don't remember the details.

On a different subject - from my point of view your son DESERVES to have both of his parents in his life.   I'm afraid that if you ceded full custody to his father, your son would feel rejected and abandoned by you.  IMO that would be far more damaging than dealing with your financial situation when he spends time with you.

 

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5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Hi Sindy - you've posted before about some issues with your  ex's judgement and behavior with your son where alcohol is concerned as well as with some other circumstances; one where your child  was injured.   I don't remember the details.

On a different subject - from my point of view your son DESERVES to have both of his parents in his life.   I'm afraid that if you ceded full custody to his father, your son would feel rejected and abandoned by you.  IMO that would be far more damaging than dealing with your financial situation when he spends time with you.

 

You are right, I think I just needed to vent yesterday. Maybe time to look for another job and make more money… that’s the only solution and I will focus on this now. 

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1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You are right, I think I just needed to vent yesterday. Maybe time to look for another job and make more money… that’s the only solution and I will focus on this now. 

I agree with Jaunty.  I think it's fine -and even very beneficial sometimes -to say no to kids related to luxuries.  My father had a mental illness -always worked so hard - my mom worked part time starting when I was 6 and my grandparents were the main babysitters - but luxuries - fancy vacations/cars etc -nope.  Two bedroom apartment, I shared a room with my older sister. I mean I don't think it's a good idea to scare a child about a financial situation or anxiety but it's good to be honest "you want ____.  we can't afford  to get ____ right now." 

In my family we can afford all of that stuff and then some and we say no for values reasons.  We don't tell him what we've saved/our situation other than we're comfortable, fine, etc. We're savers, we don't waste $ (or food), if we are given hand me downs he wears  those, and we show him that way of life.  It's good!

Your son likely would benefit materialistically.  Maybe he'd see his father more than you -but dad drinks -right? Dad's "girlfriend" is not the mom -not even a little bit.  I cannot imagine being a single mom.  I don't think the custody switch is the answer with the huge disclaimer that obviously I can't relate totally - just trying to support.  Glad you're feeling better.

Edited to add -there is a lovely old novel that was also a movie called I Remember Mama about a struggling family and how she made sure they felt secure.

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My son was in college when I chose to move out of state and he still felt abandoned.  Please reconsider.

My son's dad would kick in more $ if I was struggling.  He knew everything was for our child, not for me.  Can your son's dad provide more to help you out?

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18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My son was in college when I chose to move out of state and he still felt abandoned.  Please reconsider.

My son's dad would kick in more $ if I was struggling.  He knew everything was for our child, not for me.  Can your son's dad provide more to help you out?

No, I don’t think he would provide. 6 month ago I asked him whether he would be ok paying half the after school club I wanted my son to go. He didn’t agree and unfortunately their don’t have part time agreements for divorced parents. Meaning that you pay full time even if your kid goes half time. Which is why I decided to keep my nanny, was too expensive for me alone. Also he receives the family allowance and gives me half of it after paying my sons health insurance. He even benefits of social financial help for my sons insurance.  A few month ago I asked for me but they reported a part of the help on my sons insurance. I’m sure if my ex husband would have asked for it, based on his financial situation they wouldn’t allow anything. I think I will discuss this with my brother in law tomorrow. He helped me do budget and cutt all unnecessary expenses one year ago. Now it’s time to assess all this… and find other ways. Because obviously it’s not working. 

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13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No, I don’t think he would provide.

For his own child?  That's mind boggling.

However, my "father" didn't pay child support for me and my brother, so I guess some parents don't feel that sense of responsibility for their own children.  

Getting financial advice is always a good idea.  Perhaps your BIL will have some good ideas.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

For his own child?  That's mind boggling.

Last week he told me I have to buy another soccer’s outfit, bag and shoes because he doesn’t want our son to travel with his stuff from one appartment to the other. I will have to spend at least 200 on that, and the same goes for his toys, clothes shoes etc… we don’t share anything even thought we live in the same neighborhood. When I decided to bring him to a dentist in emergency because he had some pain, he wasn’t ok because he said he already had an appointment three weeks after and he could wait. So I paid the bill. He didn’t participate. Is that normal? 

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Just after our divorce he had money issues and I helped him. I lent him smth like 700, he gave me back but I did help because I knew he wasn’t financially comfortable either. Now that he is living with his girlfriend, who earns way more than him and come from a wealth family he is over controlling. Sometimes I wonder whether it doesn’t come from her. (She used to type the texts he sends me, I know it because they are written correctly, and he doesn’t speak French well, and he didn’t deny when I brought it up) I don’t know what’s going on… 

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Is it "normal" for a parent to not be interested in providing for their child?  Well, I wouldn't call it "normal" but it's sadly more common than one might think.  Especially if they're allowed to get away with it.

He needs to abide by the child support agreement at the very least.  And I would hope if he sees his son doing without because you're struggling, he'd willingly step in to help.  But perhaps not.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Is it "normal" for a parent to not be interested in providing for their child?  Well, I wouldn't call it "normal" but it's sadly more common than one might think.  Especially if they're allowed to get away with it.

He needs to abide by the child support agreement at the very least.  And I would hope if he sees his son doing without because you're struggling, he'd willingly step in to help.  But perhaps not.

Can you -would you -take him to court to get him to pay more ? Just not sure how it works where you are.  And, separately -team sports seem so expensive! We almost signed up my son for track again -would have been $$$ plus as it turned out he'd have missed half the season as he got mono in January.

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can you -would you -take him to court to get him to pay more ?

I don’t know, I have to seek informations. I read this today on a Swiss website about divorce: « In the event of substantially different incomes, the parent who earns more owes a pension to the other parent so that the child's lifestyle is the same, whether he is with dad or mom. » I will call a jurist this week, ask him how to deal with this after school club thing, the fact that he forces me to pay for a nanny in black because I can’t afford full time, the health expenses in case of désagréments, if the fact that he lives with someone officially and therefore has less expenses plays a role etc… 

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Just been thinking today, every Monday, when I pick up my son at school for my week of custody, he wears the exact same clothes as the previous week when I dropped him at his dads. I know he puts him the same clothes on just to make me understand that isn’t to acceptable to mix his stuff. And surely because the clothes I buy are less fancy… my son already told me… 
i feel so ashamed 

edit: I wonder how my son perceives this: “look this is your uniform for mummy’s week… “ 

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