Ideas on how to handle my marriage

[Bobertblaine]

We've been married 5 years. I worked 6 days a week at the time and up till a year and a half ago where I switched jobs cuz where I was for 7 years I brought my work home. That caused me to be grumpy, agitated and just burnt out. Which in turn caused my wife n i to argue alot. When i switched jobs it allowed me to be home more and attend church which was something i didnt do cuz of work n its a big thing for my wife. However rite after switching jobs my wife informed me that she doesnt wanna be married anymore and packed her things n our daughter n left. It took 5 months for me to tell my why she left...cuz we argued too much. My wife bounced from motel to motel to her dads to motel while working on days she didnt have our kid. In that time I fell into a bad depression where I saw doctors and therapists. I was always texting her telling her I missed her.My wife had a minor gender bender 5 months ago so she came to stay here. Shes stayed in the livingroom n sleeps on the floor. I offered the bedroom even if I slept in my kids room but she preferred this arrangement. In this 5 months we get along well. I take her to work or she takes the car. She was supposed to get a new car with the insurance money but I know it's gone. It's fine with mr cuz I tell her when she brings it up dont worry itll happen when it happens. So she doesnt stress. Honestly I just like having her home even if it's more of a person sleeping on the livingroom floor cuz I dont as kn her to help with Bill's or anything cuz I'm old fashioned. I feel it's my job as a husband even if she keeps her ring in her wallet and I still wear mine. I go to church weekly with her. But what gets me if she referred to here as dads house. Not our house. Some days r depressing cuz I miss us but I tell myself I'd rather have her here like this then not here. I compliment her every now and again. I texted her I love u, then sorry cuz I was tired all week so I was quiet n she wrote back thanks for texting. That was the first time in m ok months I told her I love her cuz I dont want to scare her off suddenly. Am I on the rite track or is there something I should be doing? Some days suck but could be worse rite?

[sleepingvein]

You need to sit down with her and have a proper conversation about the relationship. Tell her you love her and want to make it work and ask her if she still wants the marriage. Be honest about how you feel. Your kid might be confused about the situation and it can't be good for them as well as both of you. Hopefully you can work on ways to stop arguing as much and mend the relationship together. I wish you luck.

[rainbowsandroses]

First off I'm so sorry.  You seem like an upstanding man who made some mistakes, acknowledged those mistakes and worked hard to improve.  And what really stands out to me is how much you love your wife!  

Do you still attend Church together?  If not, I would encourage that.  I would also encourage you to seek counseling from your clergy or a marriage counselor. 

Together and individually.

I'm recently divorced and your thread really touched me, deeply, and I hope you and your wife are able to work things out. 

Wishing you both the best.  :)

 

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Bobertblaine said:

 we argued too much. My wife bounced from motel to motel to her dads to motel while working on days she didnt have our kid. .My wife had a minor gender bender 5 months ago so she came to stay here. Shes stayed in the livingroom n sleeps on the floor.

Sorry this is happening. What were the arguments about? Was she fleeing abuse? Why would she stay in motels?

What exactly is a "gender bender"? And what prompted her to return? Did she run out of money? 

Your arrangements still seem quite strange. Are there chronic money problems? Have you considered marriage therapy to try to figure out what's really going on? 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly is a "gender bender"?

I'm guessing he meant "fender bender"?  I could be wrong.  😀

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication

 

Maybe some outside help

[Bobertblaine]

Hey guys ty for replying. Ya I ment fender bender lol. The arguments were over silly things like the house being dirty or over spending on random stuff. Ya we still go to church together. She was staying in motels cuz she couldn't get her own place. She always lived with her mom then we moved in together so she never understood how hard it is to get a place. She returned cuz he car broke so I gave her the place to stay and ride to work. For over a year I was in therapy.. I offered it to her but she does t believe in it. I tried to talk about us and the relationship but she would always shy away or zone it out

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bobertblaine said:

. She was staying in motels cuz she couldn't get her own place. . She returned cuz he car broke so I gave her the place to stay and ride to work. 

Why did she flee the relationship? People don't run away because the house is dirty. There's more to the story. Are there issues with alcohol drugs or mental illness?  It seems she was trying to escape something and came back because she ran out of money, is this true?

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, Bobertblaine said:

Ya I ment fender bender lol

Oh wow, I was wondering that, too lol.

21 hours ago, Bobertblaine said:

Am I on the rite track or is there something I should be doing? Some days suck but could be worse rite?

I think it depends on what you want. What do you two argue about?

[Bobertblaine]

On 9/22/2023 at 10:46 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she flee the relationship? People don't run away because the house is dirty. There's more to the story. Are there issues with alcohol drugs or mental illness?  It seems she was trying to escape something and came back because she ran out of money, is this true?

There were no drugs or alcohol. She was raised in the mormon church so that was never an issue. Yea it seems that's y she left. I wanna say our last argument that I blew outta proportion  I smacked the door as Iwas walking out and broke a mirror. N she said she was calling the cops from it n they told her to leave. It was stupid cuz I should of let her handle our daughter in the bath but she was throwing a fit so I chimed in n her mom yelled at me for chiming in. Honestly back then I was stressed, frustrated  tired and it wasnt my wife's fault. I just hated my job n I was looking for a new job but couldn't find one to keep us afloat so I tried to deal and ended up bring work home n got upset over dumb things like the house. Since she left tho I had time to reflect, went to doctors, saw a therapist and cut out all the distractions. She is really a wonderful person I did however keep it to myself instead of talking like I should have

[Bobertblaine]

On 9/23/2023 at 11:36 AM, Jibralta said:

Oh wow, I was wondering that, too lol.

I think it depends on what you want. What do you two argue about?

We as of now mite bicker over silly things not really argue. Cuz at the end of bickering we r still smiling lol. Tho the last argument that was big was over our kids schooling so it was a big deal but in the end I caved. That was 3 weeks ago out of 5 month

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Bobertblaine said:

We as of now mite bicker over silly things not really argue. Cuz at the end of bickering we r still smiling lol.

On 9/22/2023 at 5:16 PM, Bobertblaine said:

It took 5 months for me to tell my why she left...cuz we argued too much.

It sounds like your wife has a different opinion about the gravity of your disagreements. Perhaps this difference in perspective and priority is at the root of your problem. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Bobertblaine said:

 she said she was calling the cops from it n they told her to leave. It was stupid cuz I should of let her handle our daughter in the bath but she was throwing a fit so I chimed in n her mom yelled at me for chiming in. 

Please stop being abusive, making excuses and dismissing it as "silly arguments". Women don't call the police and stay in motels and shelters because of "little arguments". Please control your temper and let your child live in peace. 

[smackie9]

If anything you should focus on healing yourself, and let her heal in her own way. If she wants space give it to her. We can't say this will work out or not. You need to give this a lot of time. Even if this doesn't work out, you still benefitted from the therapy, etc.