I had an 8 months emotionnal affair.

[Orchid65]

Honestly, if someone had told me five years from now that I would be so lost, devastated, and might need therapy, I would've laughed. But here I am. My hubby and I have been married for five years, and we were together for one year before that. I loved him since the day I laid eyes on him: funny, charming, and good-looking. We had a blast together, and we moved in together after only three months of dating. I was hesitant at first because we were not financially stable, but he insisted that we would be fine, so I said yes. We got married one year later, and we both agreed not to have kids yet.

After the marriage, he got sick, and I was emotionally there for him. Then he announced that he could not work, and he quit his job. I took on another job to keep us from struggling. I couldn't do otherwise; he's my husband, and I vowed to love him through sickness and all. He was sick for three years, and I was there, keeping up mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had to be strong for both of us because he was really scared. We finally got the money for his treatment, and he got better.

I know that after a long time being sick, all you want to do is enjoy feeling good again, but it seems like he had no intention of going back to work and helping me because I was really struggling mentally. He spent all his time partying and having fun, telling me that he still had anxiety. When I tried to bring up the fact that I couldn't keep up, and I needed a break, he told me I was being selfish and that I hated seeing him happy. I never mentioned it again, and in February 2022, I rekindled with a long-time friend, and it didn't take long until we started sexting each other. It was an escape for me; I was able to forget that I felt stuck and started to resent my husband.

The problem started when I emotionally detached myself from my husband to give my time and attention to this friend and we started talking about me divorcing to be with him but I had the feeling that no man would take a woman seriously after having her in those circumstances so I just held onto him to forget my reality, which was selfish, I know. I have to say I don't know him that well, but he's the kind of person who just goes with the flow. I never trusted him to have something serious throughout all the years I've known him. He's someone that I always go back to, I will not say I am in love with him but he's always there somewhere in my mind and I am always the one initiating contact. He's always ready to go like people say.

I tried to have another discussion with my husband to let him know that I wasn't happy doing everything financially and I needed a break. He said that I was fake and that whatever I did for him, I didn't do it with all my heart. He also said, and I quote: "I will go to work to make you happy."

My husband found out earlier this month, he confronted me, and I admitted to it and stopped all contact with my affair partner. He said he could've divorced me but won't do it because he loves me. He found a job that doesn't pay much, but it's a start. I am now devastated because I feel like I wasted my time in an affair when I should've probably just left the marriage or tried harder to voice my concerns. I feel like I am smarter than that and should've known better. My husband's flaws didn't justify what I did to us. I say "us" because now he's hurt and depressed, and I feel extremely guilty and depressed. I am scared because I don't want our relationship to slowly die while we both assure each other that we're fine. 

I've been thinking that we probably need couple therapy, but I also need therapy for myself. I don't know; I just needed to talk about it and probably get some advice. I am not here for sympathy.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Orchid65 said:

. He spent all his time partying and having fun, was able to forget that I felt stuck and started to resent my husband.

 I am now devastated because I feel like I wasted my time in an affair when I should've probably just left the marriage 

Sorry this happened. It's never too late to consult an attorney for information support and advice regarding your situation.

Consider cutting your losses before continuing this misery or worse starting a family with a partyer and deadbeat. This affair was a symptom of much deeper problems.

Consider all this a wake up call and trust your instincts that leaving the marriage should be considered sooner rather than later and that affairs are often just escapism or bandaids.

[Lastchallenge]

I’m all for saving a marriage and working on it but this sounds to me  like it’s beyond repair. 
 

It sounds to me like you’re just breathing and not living and that’s no way to live. I would suggest leave because you are both suffering 

[redswim30]

OP, I think you are being WAY too hard on yourself. 

IMVHO,  while I don't condone cheating- I do think it is sometimes understandable as to how it happens.  While no one else can be blamed for your actions, I do think that when people ask their partner for what they need and their partner decides instead to weaponize and withhold that, it leads people to behave in ways that they normally wouldn't. 

It's always easy to say " No one should ever do anything wrong", but that's kind of a fantasy.  We are all human and it's human nature to crave what we feel we are missing.  

I think it's understandable that you reached out for comfort because your husband was ignoring and weaponizing your thoughts, feelings, and needs that you so clearly expressed to him. 

Your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusive.   If he wasn't too "anxious" to go out partying, then he wasn't too "anxious" to work- that a load of BS.   He didn't want to work, that's all.   After supporting your husband and after him gaslighting you, he still decided to continually criticize you.  That's not loving.  Of course you'd want to seek out someone that made you feel worthy.   

I'm glad you ended your affair.   HOWEVER, please understand that your husband treating you badly and refusing to help you with what you needed and then furthermore guilting you into feeling badly for having needs and feelings- contributed to what happened.  So, he's not a total "innocent" in your marital problems.  These aren't just "flaws", these are CHOICES he has actively made over and over again.  Your husband is not a nice person and he's not treating you with any sort of respect or love.  To say " I COULD have divorced you" is nasty and awful.  You COULD have divorced him at multiple points, too.  Not only is that a completely unhelpful comment, it's controlling and damaging. 

You BOTH did wrong things.  Marriage vows aren't JUST about not cheating. I hate when the party who didn't cheat likes to claim they did NOTHING wrong, simply because they didn't cheat. Treating your partner like garbage is just as bad. I know people who have actually said, "Yeah, I hit her, but I never CHEATED." I don't think cheating is the be all end of contributing to a bad situation or the idea that the other person is a SAINT simply because they didn't cheat- there's MORE than one way to break marriage vows.   IMO, him choosing to repeatedly ignore your needs and feelings is equally bad.  So please don't let him off the hook as if he did nothing wrong, he has done and is still doing a LOT that is wrong and cruel to you. 

Honestly, OP- you having a minor (and arguably understandable) emotional affair was just a symptom of a much larger issue.  You seem like a smart woman.   You wanted to escape because you already know that your husband doesn't respect you or treat you like an equal.  Why are you hanging on to this man so hard?  This man who acts like he's doing you a HUGE favor by doing extremely basic things like having a job and NOT divorcing you- WOW- he's husband of the century.   This man does not love you.  Please please please consider looking into a divorce.  You made a mistake, but that doesn't mean you need to punish yourself for the rest of your life or stay in a bad marriage to "make up" for it. 

I know it's hard to really take a honest look at your marriage.   It took me a long time to finally admit that my first marriage wasn't working and there was no way we were going to make it.  It was a hard step, but AFTER taking it - I felt much better.   I felt like a weight had been lifted.  It was still hard, but not as hard as living in denial and just waiting day after day to see how much more miserable I could feel. 

Consult a lawyer.   I don't see a relationship worth saving here, I'm sorry to say. 

[lostandhurt]

Let's say you didn't have an emotional affair and just looked at your marriage closely.   What would you see?

There is no balance in the marriage as you have been doing all the heavy lifting.

The relationship was good when everything else was good but that is easy, what shows the character of the marriage and the people in it is when things are not so good and easy.  You stepped up big time when he was sick and what did he do when he got better? He went out partying while you continued to do the heavy lifting.  Do you see the difference in character?  This was not just situational, this has to do with the core of the person.  You are willing to work, sacrifice and struggle for the relationship while he just wants to skate.

Cheating is wrong and there is absolutely no justification or excuse for it. What you did was wrong and you need to own that but your marriage was doomed long before you tried to distract yourself with some other guy.  I am real big on second chances and repairing relationships/marriages but it takes both to be 100% in for that to happen and your husband is maybe 10% in.  I think it is time to seek out a therapist just for you so you can work through this and find some clarity.

 I am sorry but there is really not much of a marriage here as far as I can see.  It might be best to accept he is not the man you thought he was and consider ending this.  You will be just fine as you have showed you can overcome huge hurdles with hard work and dedication.  In time you will meet someone new and all these life lessons will serve you well.

 Lost

[smackie9]

It's one thing to be ill, or have an illness, but it's another when they act like they are on vacation. A divorce seems like a good way to get out of this but I must warn you, he's entitled to alimony since you are the soul provider. You are going to have to document his activities, conversations, etc to prove he's taking advantage of you. That would mean video taping him for evidence. Also document if he's not attending regular counselling, doctor's visits, medication, etc. You may have to borrow money for a lawyer because to retain one will cost thousands.

I don't know your local laws but, if you try walking away/leaving him, he could charge you for abandonment.

Don't beat yourself up over the affair. You were in a bad place because your husband was the selfish one, manipulated you, guilt tripped you and was mentally abusive. You felt helpless. Now you can go forward and just get out of this horrible marriage.