Honestly, if someone had told me five years from now that I would be so lost, devastated, and might need therapy, I would've laughed. But here I am. My hubby and I have been married for five years, and we were together for one year before that. I loved him since the day I laid eyes on him: funny, charming, and good-looking. We had a blast together, and we moved in together after only three months of dating. I was hesitant at first because we were not financially stable, but he insisted that we would be fine, so I said yes. We got married one year later, and we both agreed not to have kids yet.
After the marriage, he got sick, and I was emotionally there for him. Then he announced that he could not work, and he quit his job. I took on another job to keep us from struggling. I couldn't do otherwise; he's my husband, and I vowed to love him through sickness and all. He was sick for three years, and I was there, keeping up mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had to be strong for both of us because he was really scared. We finally got the money for his treatment, and he got better.
I know that after a long time being sick, all you want to do is enjoy feeling good again, but it seems like he had no intention of going back to work and helping me because I was really struggling mentally. He spent all his time partying and having fun, telling me that he still had anxiety. When I tried to bring up the fact that I couldn't keep up, and I needed a break, he told me I was being selfish and that I hated seeing him happy. I never mentioned it again, and in February 2022, I rekindled with a long-time friend, and it didn't take long until we started sexting each other. It was an escape for me; I was able to forget that I felt stuck and started to resent my husband.
The problem started when I emotionally detached myself from my husband to give my time and attention to this friend and we started talking about me divorcing to be with him but I had the feeling that no man would take a woman seriously after having her in those circumstances so I just held onto him to forget my reality, which was selfish, I know. I have to say I don't know him that well, but he's the kind of person who just goes with the flow. I never trusted him to have something serious throughout all the years I've known him. He's someone that I always go back to, I will not say I am in love with him but he's always there somewhere in my mind and I am always the one initiating contact. He's always ready to go like people say.
I tried to have another discussion with my husband to let him know that I wasn't happy doing everything financially and I needed a break. He said that I was fake and that whatever I did for him, I didn't do it with all my heart. He also said, and I quote: "I will go to work to make you happy."
My husband found out earlier this month, he confronted me, and I admitted to it and stopped all contact with my affair partner. He said he could've divorced me but won't do it because he loves me. He found a job that doesn't pay much, but it's a start. I am now devastated because I feel like I wasted my time in an affair when I should've probably just left the marriage or tried harder to voice my concerns. I feel like I am smarter than that and should've known better. My husband's flaws didn't justify what I did to us. I say "us" because now he's hurt and depressed, and I feel extremely guilty and depressed. I am scared because I don't want our relationship to slowly die while we both assure each other that we're fine.
I've been thinking that we probably need couple therapy, but I also need therapy for myself. I don't know; I just needed to talk about it and probably get some advice. I am not here for sympathy.
