My GF wants to break up with me, I need help.

[Cherylyn]

12 minutes ago, Patrick100 said:

Thank you all, I just realized that I am done with her, she will regret it someday, I do hope she finds the perfect guy…and I told her the other day that I never stay friends with my exes, never. Thank you guys, you are very kind and really helped me, I wish we could talk in person but let’s keep it as strangers. You are all amazing

The best for you to do is not care.  Don't even hope for her to find the perfect guy and it doesn't help to tell her that you'd never stay friends with your exes.  To her or anyone,  you're just hot air wasting your breath and energy.  Other people do not absorb whatever you say.  It's an act in futility on your part.  Since other people don't care,  don't care back.   It works both ways.  Always do likewise and you will feel more content and confident than ever.  Good luck! 🙂

[Patrick100]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

The best for you to do is not care.  Don't even hope for her to find the perfect guy and it doesn't help to tell her that you'd never stay friends with your exes.  To her or anyone,  you're just hot air wasting your breath and energy.  Other people do not absorb whatever you say.  It's an act in futility on your part.  Since other people don't care,  don't care back.   It works both ways.  Always do likewise and you will feel more content and confident than ever.  Good luck! 🙂

Thank you. You are right. Take care

[Patrick100]

34 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You can't change it nor fix it.  She has made up her mind and will stick to it.  Whatever her friends say to her doesn't matter because she is her own person and will make her own personal decisions regarding you.  You'll have to accept her final decision but you don't have to like it. 

As for Disney,  politely decline.  It would feel weird to attend an amusement park or any outing for that matter as if she didn't initiate the break up with you.  It wouldn't be a good idea. 

Part ways peacefully and go no contact permanently so you can really move on with your life.

She told me she used a guy once because he had a car, we have Disney passes then I got her an new iPhone, i see resemblance there. Like how evil can people be and soo cruel to keep a person as friends like nothing happens, I feel bad for the other guys she dated honestly 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Patrick100 said:

She told me she used a guy once because he had a car, we have Disney passes then I got her an new iPhone, i see resemblance there. Like how evil can people be and soo cruel to keep a person as friends like nothing happens, I feel bad for the other guys she dated honestly 

Don't feel bad.  Don't care.  When you don't care,  you're no longer invested in her anymore.  The more you think about her and her choices in life,  the more bothered you will feel and you don't want to torment yourself unnecessarily.  You're wasting your time and energy on a person who had no qualms obnoxiously disrespecting you.

How evil can people be?  How cruel can they be?  How can they keep a person as friends like nothing happens?  Ha!  How long have you got?  Welcome to the world we live in.  🙄  Grow accustomed to how many people in the world are @Patrick100.  It's just the way it is.  ☹️

Someday,  your naivete will be no more.  You'll come from the school of hard knocks.  😒

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Patrick100 said:

She told me she used a guy once because he had a car, we have Disney passes then I got her a new iPhone, i see resemblance there. Like how evil can people be and soo cruel to keep a person as friends like nothing happens, I feel bad for the other guys she dated honestly 

Right so given your low opinion of her it’s good things are ending. I’m sorry you’re frustrated and upset. 

[Patrick100]

So she replied, she is asking if I wanna go to Disney, for wich I replied “Don’t you needed time for yourself? I’m gonna go crazy…I can come over, we don’t have to talk about the evident issues of the few days or months , just help me understand”.

i just realized that I was right, I have no idea what she wants at this point

 

[Cherylyn]

A lot of people use each other.  It's the way of the world.  You live in this world but you don't have to live of the world.  A lot of dynamics are conditional or strings attached.  I think it is ok as long as both parties know what they're doing to each other because it's a mutual agreement.  The sneaky part of this arrangement is when there's deceit involved.  For example,  pretending to like someone or be their friend only because it benefits them.  Those types of people are sociopaths.  Not psychopaths.  Sociopaths. 

Sociopaths cultivate,  nurture and maintain friendships or relationships because they want something in return.  Their so-called interest in you has nothing to do with you.  It's how you are useful to them.  Why do they do it?  Because it works.  It works as long as you are naive and don't catch onto their intent.  It works because this strategy is highly successful so why fix it if it ain't broke?  🙄

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Patrick100 said:

So she replied, she is asking if I wanna go to Disney, for wich I replied “Don’t you needed time for yourself? I’m gonna go crazy…I can come over, we don’t have to talk about the evident issues of the few days or months , just help me understand”.

i just realized that I was right, I have no idea what she wants at this point

 

You don’t have to know what she wants. Here’s what you do know. She’s not that into you and not that into your relationship plus you have a very low opinion of her. So you have your answer. Relationships are hard enough without this nonsense

In my 57 years I’ve never observed that using people is the way of the world. Some people act like this. Some people use other people.  Some people are tempted to and choose not to from a perspective or morals and ethics so to me that’s a person who simply was tempted. It happens.
In my opinion dating requires a thick skin and with rare exception relationships require work and compromise and choosing battles and “killing someone with kindness “. So to speak. With rare exception. 

[Cherylyn]

6 minutes ago, Patrick100 said:

So she replied, she is asking if I wanna go to Disney, for wich I replied “Don’t you needed time for yourself? I’m gonna go crazy…I can come over, we don’t have to talk about the evident issues of the few days or months , just help me understand”.

i just realized that I was right, I have no idea what she wants at this point

 

Reply no thank you.  Then it's better to go no contact.  Next step:  Block and delete her everywhere.  She's not mentally healthy for you.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Patrick100 said:

So she replied, she is asking if I wanna go to Disney, for wich I replied “Don’t you needed time for yourself? I’m gonna go crazy…I can come over, we don’t have to talk about the evident issues of the few days or months , just help me understand”.

If she is inviting you to Disney why are you giving her such a hard time? It's a yes or no question.

Unfortunately you seem quite angry. Why are you asking to go to her house after the snarky remarks about "time for yourself"?

Please calm down.  One minute it's over, the next you're annoyed about her phone contacts, then the next you're snarky about the Disney invitation and next you're begging to come over and confront her? Please try to pull yourself together to get a cohesive, clear topic before you see her. 

 

[Patrick100]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she is inviting you to Disney why are you giving her such a hard time? It's a yes or no question.

Unfortunately you seem quite angry. Why are you asking to go to her house after the snarky remarks about "time for yourself"?

Please calm down.  One minute it's over, the next you're annoyed about her phone contacts, then the next you're snarky about the Disney invitation and next you're begging to come over and confront her? Please try to pull yourself together to get a cohesive, clear topic before you see her. 

 

The reason why o said that I can come over is because after that I told her this: 

“I haven’t sleep either and I am
Confused as what’s going on, are we cool? Are we in the process? Are we not? Is it gonna be just today? Is it gonna happen next week, What? I don’t wanna feel like I have false hopes,  that we are just going today…anyway that’s just me

Then she said that yes she just needs time to think and see what happens… for which I replied:

“I thought you needed more time to think and I’m giving you that option but please don’t think I don’t wanna go out with you or that I don’t care, I am being mature and I’m holding my heart just typing this because it hurts but if you need time to think maybe we should give it”

then a few other texts saying that she needs time and I’m giving her that chance and that it can be 2-3 days or weeks to think about us and my mistakes, but honestly I am just giving the easy exit and most likely she won’t come back.

[Patrick100]

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Reply no thank you.  Then it's better to go no contact.  Next step:  Block and delete her everywhere.  She's not mentally healthy for you.

Exactly, she knows she can invite me where she wants to go and I’ll say yes but this time I’m not going. I wish I had that nerve 😔

[shouldhavelearned]

Change for yourself, if that's what you want

 

You can't force yourself on her

 

Stay strong and keep some space

See what happens 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Patrick100 said:

Exactly, she knows she can invite me where she wants to go and I’ll say yes but this time I’m not going. I wish I had that nerve 😔

I'm glad you don't have that nerve.  This means you're not a narcissist.  Narcissism doesn't mean preening oneself in the mirror.  I wish it were that easy.  Narcissism means when you don't care about how other people feel.  Narcissists have zero empathy.  Zero. 

I'm glad you have a conscience.  This world would be a better place with more people who actually know the difference between right and wrong behavior when it comes to treating and mistreating others.  🤨

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Patrick100 said:

So she replied, she is asking if I wanna go to Disney, 

I don't understand why you turned this down if you want to see her and clarify what's going on. 

[Patrick100]

On 9/4/2023 at 4:09 PM, Wiseman2 said:

I don't understand why you turned this down if you want to see her and clarify what's going on. 

 

[Patrick100]

Hi, I didn’t turn it down. I took a risk and accepted her invitation. I am coming back to tell you guys that I need help understanding what happened next: We talked and met and talk more about the same issues, there’s a part she didn’t know about me which is that I am a chronic depressed person, I’ve lost soo many family member by either accidents, murder or cancer and I told her that I am a calm, serene and sometimes uninterested guy most of the time because I feel I still have depression, my brother almost died and was depressed for 2 years, I told her I went to therapy ETC something she didn’t know and didn’t wanna tell her for Shame. 
she said she will give me another chance in the form of dating, she said that we will take a step back, i can still see her, hang out and be intimate, I asked her that I don’t wanna be friends with beneficts and she said is nothing like that. You must understand that I hurt her feelings, thinking I was doing the right things (all the things she said that we lack), I am not trying to convince her to come back with me, I am the kind of man who will try to fix things and I’ve never done this before (ask for forgiveness). She said we will take a step back from having a relationship to dating. She is the strongest person I’ve even known, I hurt her and she still giving me a chance, we are definitely different (culturally) and we know this. 
so right now we are making plans together. I am showing her that I can change and that this can be fixed. I understand why she wants to take a step back without breaking up and change our status from relationship to dating but I am confused why she keeps involving me in her life as when we used to date, she seems more calm these days and she even text me more often. Last night she told me that she feels a little sad and I asked if she was ok/or why) and she said that she was sad for everything. 
when you give a chance to a person because they did you wrong you are sacrificing your idealism, your own word and I know she is probably thinking that (or not l), have you ever experienced taking a step back, but not breaking up? I read that it may be that she is keeping me until she finds someone but I am telling you, she seems more calm and involving me more into her plans, for example she went to the beach last night, I told her it was good and she needed that (read at the beach and chill), then she said that I can bring my book too and read together, to be honest if she wanted to step back she wouldn’t be adding me into her life more specially when she is doing self work like that. I am confused because I am not sure if she is with me for sympathy or she really want to start again. She said she still loves me and the only reason she wanted to break up is Because it remind her of her relationship with her ex, also she said she wanted to solo camp, i said yeah, I can helpers you finding a place then during the conversation she said we can go here. I am super confused for that reason, I am giving her space to analyze me yet she wants to include me more in her plans, I am genuinely calm right now, not for the fact that she gave me a chance, but I just feel that I drained myself, i burnt my brain trying to explain myself with her that I see everything she is doing as just a compliment, meaning that I am not sure if she is really giving me chance or just playing until she finds a guy, it would be too cruel to make plans and include me in her life again while she is not ok.
what does taking a step back means? From your perspective?

[Andrina]

Didn't you ask her what differences were enacted going from being in a relationship to dating? You're still intimate, spend time together, communicate by phone. What on Earth is different?

And what will she be doing to "change?" Is she perfection and just needs to sit high up on a throne to eyeball her subject to see if he will transform into a worthy subject?

The fact you two have never had an argument could be that you are a people pleaser who stuffs his own wants/needs/upsets, perhaps in fear of losing his partner and rocking the boat.

Change is hard and there are some people who, like her, are going through these emotional ups and downs, wishy-washy behavior, one step forward, two steps back approach, instead of being concrete, making a decision, and sticking to it boldly with confidence.

I have a feeling that whatever you do as far as "improvements" go will result in the same consequence. I feel like she is done, and with time and distance, you will see she did you a favor by breaking up. The fact alone she keeps all her exes numbers is someone not worthy of you.

Relationships that regress versus progress are doomed. I'm sorry you're suffering. If you had a spine, you'd say: No, I'm not stepping back. If we can't work toward relationship goals together, cheering each other on, I'm not going backwards and we'll have to go our separate ways.

[MrMan1983]

Just a slight observation on part of what you mentioned and something to look at in future, it's very normal that women are more attracted to guys that make plans, have a backbone, that are decisive and that don't put all the planning on them (obviously a few outliers, but I'm talking a large percentage). It's just the way it is in most cases, and no amount of saying 'it should be this way, that way, I work too hard' and trying to talk logic/sense is going to make her feel a certain way emotionally.

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Just a slight observation on part of what you mentioned and something to look at in future, it's very normal that women are more attracted to guys that make plans, have a backbone, that are decisive and that don't put all the planning on them (obviously a few outliers, but I'm talking a large percentage). It's just the way it is in most cases, and no amount of saying 'it should be this way, that way, I work too hard' and trying to talk logic/sense is going to make her feel a certain way emotionally.

Yep, nobody wants to parent their partner. At least not if they are healthy. Even if they’re not, they’ll fatigue out from all the responsibilities of managing two people.

 A partner is supposed to be equal.