How do I leave?

[Vesp]

I am a gay male and have been with my partner for 7 years (16 year age gap - 29 & 45). Before I go into the problem that I am seeking advice on, i'll give some background to our relationship. We met online and I had not been with anyone sexually until meeting him. 3 months into the relationship he was still on the dating app that we met on, whereby I confronted him about this and he said he had deleted it following this conversation. Fast forward another 3 months and he was still on the dating app, and I therefore ended things there and then. However, he denied he was on the app and said it was an ex impersonating him (which I don't believe). We got back together approximately a week later. For the next 5 years he has had on and off conversations with guys on social media/text/dating apps of a sexual nature - one of which was his ex, whereby the most crushing thing he said to him was that he loved him more than me. He said he was messing with him and leading him on because he hurt him in the past (which I again don't believe). I ended things (which was about 5 years from the previous break up) however we got back together approximately 2 weeks later. From then I don't believe he has messaged anyone (which has been almost 2 years). Some time in all of this I know he has met someone in person that he has a history with for 'work', however that is as much as I know about it. In all the situations, he somehow initially spins it to something I have done which has led him to do what he has done, for example not making him feel wanted or sexually desirable. I have always stood my ground (i.e stating all the things I do to show I want him), whereby after a few days of failing to convince me I am to blame, he somewhat takes responsibility for his actions. 

Fast forward to the present - I have asked him to have an open relationship, whereby on the back of this he is 'very hurt and upset' with me and is blanking me when walking around the house. We've had issues with sex for about 4 years, whereby sex usually leads to something going wrong/me not doing what he wants and it leading to a dispute. I can't say for certain why this is but I am thinking I have some sort of mental block due to everything that has happened. I am happy in every other aspect of our relationship - he treats me well outside of all of this, and has never been physically abusive. He has asked me what I could possibly get from other people regarding sex that I can't get from him, though the bottom line is that we are rarely having sex. We keep having the same conversations that are always initiated by me regarding what we can do to make sex work, however it always ends the same way with it not working.  I have remained completely exclusive for the entire 7 years, whereby I haven't even spoke to any other guy in a sexual way, though I am apparently the bad person in all of this for suggesting an open relationship. 

The reason I am posting on this forum is because I have no close friends and I have very little family, and I would rather not talk to them about it. The obvious answer is to just leave, however I have severe anxiety that is debilitating both mentally and physically, which I why I have got back together with him on both the occasions we have broke up. My worry is that another 7 years will pass and I will regret staying, however that is not something I can do mentally at this moment. I am also someone that fears feeling regret, and I worry if I leave I would regret it. 

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Vesp123 said:

The obvious answer is to just leave, however I have severe anxiety that is debilitating both mentally and physically, which I why I have got back together with him on both the occasions we have broke up. My fear is that another 7 years will pass and I will regret staying, however that is not something I can do mentally at this moment. I am also someone that fears feeling regret, and I worry if I leave I would regret it. 

We all have fears of regret, being "alone" if we leave etc.  If you have this level of anxiety -I am sorry you are struggling! - the answer is to get medical/mental health support not to use another person and won't it increase your anxiety if he's allowed to pursue others and have sex with them? 

You can leave -you just don't choose to and wrapping yourself in big words like "mentally" and your fear of feeling regret - doesn't make it less of a choice.  It's much better for your health for you to be away from this person and feel regret so that you're not using him to soothe your fears and pursue mental health support services.  Not "easy" but totally within your control.

I was in a 7 year on and off relationship -I had doubts on and off - and because I left in 2005 -finally - at age 38 (talk about fear of regret -could have been my last chance to conceive a child!) - I was able -with space away from him -to figure out why we weren't right for each other and to become more of the right person to find the right person.  Which means I'm now a happily married mom. 

I would not be married right now had I not left because it's also about timing -my future husband called me 5 months after the break up to meet for a catch up dinner -we'd been together years earlier - and had I not ended things with the other guy I might have met him in an appropriate way but even if I felt a spark -which I did! -it likely would have been way too complicated to act on it at all.  

Consider all the potential doors that could open -as far as romantic relationships plus you being more of yourself -more of your best self -if you choose not to let your fears control you -or get the mental health support so that your fears don't have this level of focus and intensity.  Good luck.

[Vesp]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

We all have fears of regret, being "alone" if we leave etc.  If you have this level of anxiety -I am sorry you are struggling! - the answer is to get medical/mental health support not to use another person and won't it increase your anxiety if he's allowed to pursue others and have sex with them? 

You can leave -you just don't choose to and wrapping yourself in big words like "mentally" and your fear of feeling regret - doesn't make it less of a choice.  It's much better for your health for you to be away from this person and feel regret so that you're not using him to soothe your fears and pursue mental health support services.  Not "easy" but totally within your control.

I was in a 7 year on and off relationship -I had doubts on and off - and because I left in 2005 -finally - at age 38 (talk about fear of regret -could have been my last chance to conceive a child!) - I was able -with space away from him -to figure out why we weren't right for each other and to become more of the right person to find the right person.  Which means I'm now a happily married mom. 

I would not be married right now had I not left because it's also about timing -my future husband called me 5 months after the break up to meet for a catch up dinner -we'd been together years earlier - and had I not ended things with the other guy I might have met him in an appropriate way but even if I felt a spark -which I did! -it likely would have been way too complicated to act on it at all.  

Consider all the potential doors that could open -as far as romantic relationships plus you being more of yourself -more of your best self -if you choose not to let your fears control you -or get the mental health support so that your fears don't have this level of focus and intensity.  Good luck.

Hi - many thanks for your reply. 

I do believe it is a fear of being alone as you said, with a combination of not having many people in my life. In terms of what you said regarding having increased feelings of anxiety if he were to have sex with others due to having an open relationship - I don't have any anxieties around him doing this, it's more so resentment and bitterness that I wouldn't be able to do this to him currently, yet he is happy to do this to me (regarding talking to others in a sexual way). I have the questions of 'why don't I just talk to other guys if he is doing it?'. Though as said in OP, I am the bad person according to him for even suggesting this, despite him previously doing somewhat of what an open relationship would entail. 

I have considered seeking mental health support, however have not pursued this due to long waiting lists. I work in mental health myself, which is ironic considering my situation! I have always been terrible at taking my own advise. Though none of us are perfect and we all have our own internal struggles. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Vesp123 said:

Hi - many thanks for your reply. 

I do believe it is a fear of being alone as you said, with a combination of not having many people in my life. In terms of what you said regarding having increased feelings of anxiety if he were to have sex with others due to having an open relationship - I don't have any anxieties around him doing this, it's more so resentment and bitterness that I wouldn't be able to do this to him currently, yet he is happy to do this to me (regarding talking to others in a sexual way). I have the questions of 'why don't I just talk to other guys if he is doing it?'. Though as said in OP, I am the bad person according to him for even suggesting this, despite him previously doing somewhat of what an open relationship would entail. 

I have considered seeking mental health support, however have not pursued this due to long waiting lists. I work in mental health myself, which is ironic considering my situation! I have always been terrible at taking my own advise. Though none of us are perfect and we all have our own internal struggles. 

 

Who said anything about perfection? Other than you. What can you do today to take steps towards increasing your circle of people?

Can you look into volunteer work/taking a class/ joining a hiking group/volunteering backstage at a community theater?  After a couple of years of not volunteering for my local public radio station (almost totally due to pandemic- I started volunteering in 2014 or so) I did a couple of weeks ago and interacted with people I'd never meet otherwise -hip hop performers, radio producers, and a little old lady who convinced petite me to carry a really heavy chair all the way outside to a lawn so she'd have a place to sit to listen to - jazz and hip hop music.  No I'll never interact with her or the hip hop people again most likely - but in past experiences volunteering I connected with people after via FB or Linkedin, etc. and it was a really good experience whether I was answering phone calls from donors, being a greeter/usher before a live performance or going to a lunch for volunteers and touring the radio station.

From 2001-08 I volunteered weekly at a homeless shelter reading to children.  I am still in touch with a couple of people I volunteered with and I got to know others - and it made me leave work at a decent hour to race across town to get there in time for the volunteer work -it refreshes you/gives you a different perspective.  I've been volunteering on and off since 1981.  Or if that's not your thing like I said  - a hiking or walking group, cycling if that's your thing -get yourself out there and meeting people.  Our friend met his wife through a Craigslist ad for a cycling buddy.  

I understand about waiting lists. Ask where you volunteer whether there are online ressources where at least you can do some virtual appointments.

Please don't give yourself the lame excuse of "no one is perfect/we all have our internal struggles" - that's one of those cliche excuses for remaining stagnant.  

And resentment and bitterness at a level you describe will give you increased stomach acid and blood pressure. Ick. No one is perfect -I get resentful when I do way too many of the adulting Things in our family and solo parent way too much IMO -but we talk it out and because we are committed to each other and love each other and on balance things are healthy we get through it in a reasonable way most of the time. I wouldn't be with him if I had that level of resentment and bitterness. That's just me and I throw it out there for your consideration.

[Lambert]

I think when you reach a point in a relationship where you "don't believe them" it's a very big, glaring, neon sign. 

You're basically betraying yourself. He's not being honest, you know it, but you accept it. How is that a benefit to you? 

I also think it's perfectly normal to have a healthy fear of being alone.  Humans are social beings.  We need love and affection to live.  

But you could be letting a general, yes I want someone in my life overtake good judgment. You can and will meet others. 

Being single and working on your own anxiety and growing into who you are meant to be is how you get there. 

When you work on yourself, you raise your standards and create healthy boundaries so that you can stand on your own. Its not only a good thing for you, its super attractive. 

Everyone has good and bad traits.  It's your job to determine what you can and can't accept in your life. Right now you've being living a life of fear and it's stagnating your life.  

So right now, you're right.  If you stay, this is your life. You're with a guy you don't really believe, you're not fulfilled emotionally or sexually. 

I would probably rather be alone.  I have to be authentic to myself.  I'm very tolerate of the people in my life and their quirky ways or beliefs that don't match mine, but if I didn't believe them? Why bother? 

We can't change the past. We can make new choices and change the future.  As @Batya33 said, excuses and reasons aside,  at the end of the day, the choice is yours. 

Choose wisely. 

[Vesp]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Who said anything about perfection? Other than you. What can you do today to take steps towards increasing your circle of people?

Can you look into volunteer work/taking a class/ joining a hiking group/volunteering backstage at a community theater?  After a couple of years of not volunteering for my local public radio station (almost totally due to pandemic- I started volunteering in 2014 or so) I did a couple of weeks ago and interacted with people I'd never meet otherwise -hip hop performers, radio producers, and a little old lady who convinced petite me to carry a really heavy chair all the way outside to a lawn so she'd have a place to sit to listen to - jazz and hip hop music.  No I'll never interact with her or the hip hop people again most likely - but in past experiences volunteering I connected with people after via FB or Linkedin, etc. and it was a really good experience whether I was answering phone calls from donors, being a greeter/usher before a live performance or going to a lunch for volunteers and touring the radio station.

From 2001-08 I volunteered weekly at a homeless shelter reading to children.  I am still in touch with a couple of people I volunteered with and I got to know others - and it made me leave work at a decent hour to race across town to get there in time for the volunteer work -it refreshes you/gives you a different perspective.  I've been volunteering on and off since 1981.  Or if that's not your thing like I said  - a hiking or walking group, cycling if that's your thing -get yourself out there and meeting people.  Our friend met his wife through a Craigslist ad for a cycling buddy.  

I understand about waiting lists. Ask where you volunteer whether there are online ressources where at least you can do some virtual appointments.

Please don't give yourself the lame excuse of "no one is perfect/we all have our internal struggles" - that's one of those cliche excuses for remaining stagnant.  

And resentment and bitterness at a level you describe will give you increased stomach acid and blood pressure. Ick. No one is perfect -I get resentful when I do way too many of the adulting Things in our family and solo parent way too much IMO -but we talk it out and because we are committed to each other and love each other and on balance things are healthy we get through it in a reasonable way most of the time. I wouldn't be with him if I had that level of resentment and bitterness. That's just me and I throw it out there for your consideration.

 

Thank you, definitely some things to think about. It's funny you mention stomach acid - I get heartburn most days, and even have a hiatus hernia!! 

 

Thank you for the advise. 🙂

 

[Vesp]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think when you reach a point in a relationship where you "don't believe them" it's a very big, glaring, neon sign. 

You're basically betraying yourself. He's not being honest, you know it, but you accept it. How is that a benefit to you? 

I also think it's perfectly normal to have a healthy fear of being alone.  Humans are social beings.  We need love and affection to live.  

But you could be letting a general, yes I want someone in my life overtake good judgment. You can and will meet others. 

Being single and working on your own anxiety and growing into who you are meant to be is how you get there. 

When you work on yourself, you raise your standards and create healthy boundaries so that you can stand on your own. Its not only a good thing for you, its super attractive. 

Everyone has good and bad traits.  It's your job to determine what you can and can't accept in your life. Right now you've being living a life of fear and it's stagnating your life.  

So right now, you're right.  If you stay, this is your life. You're with a guy you don't really believe, you're not fulfilled emotionally or sexually. 

I would probably rather be alone.  I have to be authentic to myself.  I'm very tolerate of the people in my life and their quirky ways or beliefs that don't match mine, but if I didn't believe them? Why bother? 

We can't change the past. We can make new choices and change the future.  As @Batya33 said, excuses and reasons aside,  at the end of the day, the choice is yours. 

Choose wisely. 

In hindsight, I should never have started up the relationship again when we had the first break as I didn't trust him way back then. I agree I need to work on myself, and I don't believe I can do that in my current relationship. Many thanks for your advise. 🙂

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, Vesp123 said:

In hindsight, I should never have started up the relationship again when we had the first break as I didn't trust him way back then. I agree I need to work on myself, and I don't believe I can do that in my current relationship. Many thanks for your advise. 🙂

You're welcome -I wouldn't target the cliche goal of Work On Myself.  I'd take baby steps that are productive each day.  Maybe drink more water today.  Tomorrow if you don't usually do at least 20-30 minutes of brisk cardio exercise, do so.  Make one phone call or send one email in the next 24 hours that is consistent with meeting new, likeminded people.  

[spinstermanquee]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

You're basically betraying yourself. He's not being honest, you know it, but you accept it. How is that a benefit to you?

Vesp, you deserve so much more than a dude who lies and sneaks around.  Giving him permission b/c your libidos don't match won't do anything except ramp up the flagrant cheating and sneaking and maybe even put it right in your face.  Cheaters have more fun lying and sneaking around, fooling someone else, believing they can have their cake and eat it too in their ugly one-way-street selfish secrecy.

You seem like someone who really wants to live their best life in truth and peace, unburdened by complications.  The best way to get there is to release this buffoon ("the burden") and live your authentic, regret-free-life-Vesp-always-wanted.  Eventually (or sooner) you will run into someone whose outlook more closely matches your own, whose standards for truth and harmonious living dovetail, who doesn't feel the need to rub up against every passing D, and who will generously share the love you deserve on that two-way street.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Vesp123 said:

In hindsight, I should never have started up the relationship again when we had the first break as I didn't trust him way back then. I agree I need to work on myself, and I don't believe I can do that in my current relationship. Many thanks for your advise. 🙂

You are not alone in this.  I know I continued relationships that were not healthy for me in the past.  

It was a balance between fear (like we're taking about, fear of being alone) and also not believing in myself more.  I didn't always have the sense of self I have now.  That I deserve better. And disrespectful behavior is a deal breaker. 

Some people are lucky. They seem to have it (the knowing) and the ability to use it (the acting on it) very early on in life.  But, it doesn't guarantee a person won't get tripped up on other things that cause us to make bad choices.

That's why we live and learn.  

This guy may use your past choices to justify tolerating things now.  Don't fall for that trap. Just because you accepted less in the past, doesn't mean you are locked in for life.  Live and learn. 

[Vesp]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You're welcome -I wouldn't target the cliche goal of Work On Myself.  I'd take baby steps that are productive each day.  Maybe drink more water today.  Tomorrow if you don't usually do at least 20-30 minutes of brisk cardio exercise, do so.  Make one phone call or send one email in the next 24 hours that is consistent with meeting new, likeminded people.  

I've found that exercise is helping me in terms of my mindset etc - I joined the gym this week and it has helped me to have a focus outside of work. I may also meet some new people there. 🙂 

 

4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Vesp, you deserve so much more than a dude who lies and sneaks around.  Giving him permission b/c your libidos don't match won't do anything except ramp up the flagrant cheating and sneaking and maybe even put it right in your face.  Cheaters have more fun lying and sneaking around, fooling someone else, believing they can have their cake and eat it too in their ugly one-way-street selfish secrecy.

You seem like someone who really wants to live their best life in truth and peace, unburdened by complications.  The best way to get there is to release this buffoon ("the burden") and live your authentic, regret-free-life-Vesp-always-wanted.  Eventually (or sooner) you will run into someone whose outlook more closely matches your own, whose standards for truth and harmonious living dovetail, who doesn't feel the need to rub up against every passing D, and who will generously share the love you deserve on that two-way street.

Thank you for this - we all need someone who will tell you how it is and not beat around the bush! I don't think he believes that texting/messaging others in a sexual manner is cheating, however I would say it is. If you're not willing to show your OF, and know if they were to know what you were doing they would not be happy, then you're up to something questionable. However, I do feel as though the situation I have got myself into I have myself to blame to some degree. Blame in the sense of feeling trapped in my current situation due to letting it go on and on and on. 

 

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

You are not alone in this.  I know I continued relationships that were not healthy for me in the past.  

It was a balance between fear (like we're taking about, fear of being alone) and also not believing in myself more.  I didn't always have the sense of self I have now.  That I deserve better. And disrespectful behavior is a deal breaker. 

Some people are lucky. They seem to have it (the knowing) and the ability to use it (the acting on it) very early on in life.  But, it doesn't guarantee a person won't get tripped up on other things that cause us to make bad choices.

That's why we live and learn.  

This guy may use your past choices to justify tolerating things now.  Don't fall for that trap. Just because you accepted less in the past, doesn't mean you are locked in for life.  Live and learn. 

It is difficult because I don't think it has happened for nearly 2 years now regarding messaging others. Regardless, I don't trust him and never will, and i'm fairly certain it won't be last time it happens. There is something in me which is waiting for it to happen again which will essentially lock in my decision to leave, and it will feel justified. I feel as though I can't use what has happened nearly 2 years ago (though on and off repeatedly before that) as a reason to leave. I do hope I develop the courage to leave before then. I like your message about living and learning - I hope in my next relationship, whenever that may be, I am able to act quicker if I feel something is not right.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Vesp said:

I feel as though I can't use what has happened nearly 2 years ago (though on and off repeatedly before that) as a reason to leave.

I think in the past, I have shared similar thoughts.  It seemed (to me) that it was unfair (for me) to use something that was 'already forgiven' as the reason. Like there's some fair play code I had to adhere to. Fight fair, not throw things in a person's face, or bring up past fights or problems. 

I no longer feel that way.  those "rules" are for when there's a relationship worth saving. When we are working together to fix things.

I no longer feel the need to justify myself, especially if I want to leave.  

1 hour ago, Vesp said:

I don't trust him and never will

This ^^ clearly is more than enough for a relationship to end. 

You're just marking time for some honor code which is not really fair to either of you. 

Everyday you waste being unhappy, is a day prolonged from happiness, which really serves no one.

[Vesp]

We had a conversation last night and he said he feels rejected and that I must find him repulsive as I "want to go out and f*** random strangers", and he started to cry. I said that it was only a suggestion and a last resort to save our relationship due to trying pretty much everything else. He continued to blame me for all the difficulties we have with sex (i.e me not telling him clearly/exactly what I want during sex). I told him that I have not done anything and we were only having a conversation about the possibility of having an open relationship, which I said he is the one who has done things in relation to messaging people in the past. He said those meant nothing and that he would never do anything/meet them. I was pretty much backed into a corner as nothing I was saying he was acknowledging, and he kept repeating that I "want to go out and f*** random strangers". I started to cry as I began talking about that every time we have sex I can't help but think about everything he has done in terms of messaging others, including his ex, in particular him telling him he loves him more than me. He then gave me a hug and stopped blaming me for everything. Today he is walking around and talking to me as if nothing has happened. I'm not sure whether his goal was to make me feel bad and for me to break down in tears, hence why he is now back to normal. 

 

I know that our relationship is unhealthy, and should be ended. Reading the advise/replies from yesterday has definitely helped me move forward in my mind towards coming to the realisation that I need to end the relationship - I just hope I can do it sometime soon. 

[Batya33]

I don't think suggesting having sex with others ever is done to save a relationship.  Even if the other person has cheated.  It's done when two people together want to have intercourse or sex with others and both agree they want that  -and typically it's only when the relationship is already incredibly strong not faltering. Some people take a break from each other where they don't date others and just take space for a month or so to be on their own and reevaluate the relationship.  

There's no "hope" you do it sometime soon. You are in control - obviously this is not healthy. Today is a perfect time to end it.

[SooSad33]

On 7/23/2023 at 6:37 AM, Vesp said:

I am apparently the bad person in all of this for suggesting an open relationship. 

The reason I am posting on this forum is because I have no close friends and I have very little family, and I would rather not talk to them about it. The obvious answer is to just leave, however I have severe anxiety that is debilitating both mentally and physically, which I why I have got back together with him on both the occasions we have broke up. My worry is that another 7 years will pass and I will regret staying, however that is not something I can do mentally at this moment. I am also someone that fears feeling regret, and I worry if I leave I would regret it. 

By sounds of it, you are clearly not that happy and struggle, due to your anxiety.  How about some prof help?  

I feel the idea of an open relationship is not the solution, but will make things worse.  When yes, best thing is to just bow out of the relationship.

This thing you've had with him does not sound all that healthy or stable with the off & on again over your years together.

Heck, if it were me seeing my bf admit he felt more for his ex, I'd be totally done with him!  Isn't that damaging to you? 😕 

As I said, consider getting some prof help.  Get to working on yourself esteem, your anxiety issue's etc.  And looking clearly at your future.

[smackie9]

Take your time getting mentally prepared. You can try to seek out arrangements with family to move in with and maybe get some support. Don't have to give details, just a safe comfortable place while you adjust and work on your next steps. As for your partner, don't listen to him or tell him anything. All he will do is manipulate you into feeling so much guilt. You need to protect yourself. Depart quickly and quietly. Announce the end of the relationship after. Once you get down that driveway and around the corner you will feel such empowerment. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on and be done

That's how you leave