minrjohn Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Hello all. I was just wanting some words of wisdom from more experienced persons. My ex and I broke up about four months ago. We dated for a quite a while, and it was my first relationship ever. (even though I am 24) He was unkind and not considerate of me during most of our relationship, and he broke up with me 'because he didn't know how to stop being mean to me'. We never did anything dirty to hurt each other. He said that he wanted to be my friend and know me forever when we broke up. But now he has another girlfriend. I have dated some as well, but am not looking to get serious as I would prefer to heal first. He brings his new girlfriend around our mutual friends every once in a while. And sometimes it's fine, but occasionally he will do things like bring her to my place of employment on a date. Granted, I work in a bar, but he called and asked me when I was working, and showed up at that time. A few times he has also made out with this girl in front of me and all our friends. Now, I know that he is not with me and he is no longer responsible for my feelings, but if he is asking to be my friend, then shouldn't he be respectful of me? I would never make out with a new boyfriend in front of him. It would seem disrespectful to me. I know I'm not him, but if I have explained to him how it makes me feel for him to do that, and he continues to do it... So, last night, we were at a concert. A friend's band was playing. All our mutual friends were there. He was there with his girlfriend. The night before they had been at a party where I was at and had walked five feet away from me, but directly in front of me and started making out. I was upset about it and talking to a friend at the bar last night. She went and got my ex and we were forced into a conversation I didn't really want to have then, but oh well... The conversation went something like this: Me - I think that it is disrespectful of you to make out with your new girlfriend right in front of me. I have discussed this with you before, and I am just asking you to consider my feelings a little as I would do the same for you, and you are asking me to be your friend, thereforeeee you do have to treat me with some consideration in order for that to work out..... Him - You're not my girlfriend anymore. I'm not going to change my behavior. If you're gonna hang out with MY friends, you're gonna have to get used to it. I'm sorry I hurt you, but you're not my girlfriend anymore. Me - Speechless.... I was so hurt by this conversation. I wasn't asking him to come back to me or anything like that, but his tone with me.... He acted like I was grovelling or something, when I was trying to tell a friend that he was doing something that was hurting me, and I have a right to politely ask that he consider my feelings. As for the pulling the 'MY friends' card, that was just a low blow. I am unsure what to say now, as I am going to call him. We did not finish our conversation last night as we were interrupted. I mostly just want to tell him that I do not accept his lack of consideration, that I expect more out of my friends than that, and he doesn't owe me anything, but if he truly wanted to be my friend, then he wouldn't repeatedly do something that I consider to be disrespectful. Am I being retarded by asking him to not blatantly make out with this girl in front of me? How can it be wrong for me to ask him that if it is something that I think most people should just *know*. I think most people who care about and want to remain on good terms with their exes just *know* that you don't examine your new squeeze's tonsils in front of them. Please let me know your opinion on this. Any help is appreciated. Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Honestly sweetheart - I think he is in the right here...I am not sure how long you and him dated or exactly why you ended or anything, but he does have the right to move and on and do as he wishes with his girlfriend. Him - You're not my girlfriend anymore. I'm not going to change my behavior. If you're gonna hang out with MY friends, you're gonna have to get used to it. I'm sorry I hurt you, but you're not my girlfriend anymore. Might it be disrespectful to rub it in your face - yes, maybe so. But you can't tell him what to do, or expect him to do any different. He has the right to move on and show affection to his girlfriend. He might not have phrased it nicely, but he is right and I do agree with him. That does not mean you HAVE to be friends with him though, and you can also choose to not be present when you know he will be there with his new girlfriend. He does not OWE it you to be a "great friend" and neither do you owe it to him...you broke up and you are both having to move on. Can you really expect him to NEVER kiss his girlfriend if you are around? I don't think he or she would go for it ("sorry honey, I can't kiss you or be affectionate with you as my ex is around"...how well do you think that would go over?). Like it or not, she is his priority now, not you. If it hurts, then don't be around him and if you feel he is disrespectful then don't be his friend, but he is in his right as a free individual to do as he pleases. My boyfriend's ex (of over 2 years)chose to not be friends with him when she found out he had moved in with me (she had broken off with him), and I found out she had turned down a night out with us and other friends of his (and hers) when she came into town as she could not bear to see him kiss me or be affectionate in front of her....I honestly think it was a bit of manipulation on her part if she expected him NOT to be affectionate with me. I know if he had told her to come along and not been affectionate with me as usual, it would of hurt me a lot, and I am the one that is his girlfriend now, NOT her. I think they still talk now and then, not sure, but I know that she got very upset when she found out he was definitely moved on now and maybe tried to exert some control over him (she started blaming him for the end or relationship, saying stuff like he never really liked her, and etc etc....) and I think you are trying to do much the same by telling him not to do that in front of you. Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 and be happy you are not the girl he his groping and treating like his personal plaything for the benefit of all who are there to see- yuuuk where's her sense of self worth??? Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 he may be being disrespectful to you and hurting your feelings but he's treating her like trash Link to comment
minrjohn Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 Maybe I am being a little bit manipulative. I had hoped he would understand, and agree to not continue to behave that way. But maybe I was hoping to see a little bit of the feelings he used to have for me on his face when I talked to him. Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 he may be being disrespectful to you and hurting your feelings but he's treating her like trash How is he treating her like trash? I am assuming she is a willing partner in being affectionate and kissing him. Huge PDA's are not for everyone, but just because some people are into them does not mean they are "trash" or unwilling participants. Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 imho- men who get into major pda with a girl are not showing much respect for them, little kissing, hand holding hugging is fine but once you get into more the guy and actually both of them don't really concern themselves that they are basically putting their partner on display for the world to see as a sexual object, anytime I see that or have a guy try to do that with me it is just disgusting. not sure I'm saying it right, but I know what I'm thinking Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 But how do you know that she is not the one instigating? It seems a little presumptous to assume that he is being disrespectful to her by kissing her...and all we have is what the poster says....I imagine she sees it more "in her face" then it probably is...so what might be just a little kissing has turned into "major tonsil hockey". Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 that is true ray kay, perception does make a difference Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 ) He was unkind and not considerate of me during most of our relationship, and he broke up with me 'because he didn't know how to stop being mean to me'. What makes you think he is going to stop now? You know who and what this guy is, a big f ing jerk, so why even bother being his friend? Who cares if he makes out with his new girlfriend? Your over him, and feel sorry for her because now shes the one that has to put up with his dumb crap. Come on...........what kind of guy says "I dont know how to stop being mean to you" and "I want to be your friend and know you forever" in the same conversation. Jesus, with friends like that, who needs enemies? If I knew a guy like that, I'd serve him a backhand sandwhich for his lameness. Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 If I knew a guy like that, I'd serve him a backhand sandwhich for his lameness. I like that, I think I may steal that line from you for my own personal use Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Hey, spread the good word! Trademarks and copyrights on "backhand sandwhich" licensed to Iceman26". Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Yes, I agree with RayKay. It's awfully immature of him to bring his new gf to your bar, but hey, he has as much right to be there as you do. Don't tell him that it bothers you. Pretend you do not notice. He's just trying to get on your nerves, and he is clearly succeeding. Don't bother to be his friend. He doesn't want to be friends, it seems to me. I would just forget about him, and do my best to move on. Good luck! Link to comment
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