This Man flew me to his country only to Gaslight me!? WHY

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, electricorchid said:

This Answer/Observation makes the most sense to me, so thankyou. I appreciate your empathy and words, I will truly try not to take this personally... it's just very difficult. Words have a lot of meaning for me and he particularly impulsively said a lot of things to hype us/me up. He absolutely tossed the blame on me, and avoided all responsibility. 

You've very welcome and happy my words helped and provided some understanding.

I'm very familiar with gaslighting; I think understanding is key and plays an important role in the healing process.

That said, I do think it's important to take responsibility for our roles in what happens to us in life, however we're all human and as such may not always make the best choices.

The important thing is that we learn from them, grow and evolve. 

Life is full of lessons to learn, it's all part of the journey. 🙂

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You've very welcome and happy my words helped and provided some understanding.

I'm very familiar with gaslighting; I think understanding is key and plays an important role in the healing process.

That said, I do think it's important to take responsibility for our roles in what happens to us in life, however we're all human and as such may not always make the best choices.

The important thing is that we learn from them, grow and evolve. 

Life is full of lessons to learn, it's all part of the journey. 🙂

 

 

I think in this situation he acted like a jerk and she shouldn't be dishonest with herself about what she can and cannot control with her choices -how to be a hopeless romantic and dream and get super excited and have fun -- while always knowing she doesn't have to react to the excitement or romantic dreams by choosing unhealthy situations or ignoring what is said and done in the name of romance.  Always in her power as to which path to take.  I've chosen the wrong path at times and found myself with my wrists pinned down behind my head, my "no!" ignored, wasting too much time on a man who wasn't that into me, etc.  Fortunately although I was assaulted I never was raped.  

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, electricorchid said:

He's been watching and keeping an eye on me on all social media platforms, especially instagram stories but no contact. I called him selfish and blocked him on whatsapp. 

Block him on social networks as well. 

It's going to keep you hooked on him, when you already know there is no future with this guy. Allowing him any access to you will only keep you checking to see if he's viewed your content. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think in this situation he acted like a jerk and she shouldn't be dishonest with herself about what she can and cannot control with her choices -how to be a hopeless romantic and dream and get super excited and have fun -- while always knowing she doesn't have to react to the excitement or romantic dreams by choosing unhealthy situations or ignoring what is said and done in the name of romance.  Always in her power as to which path to take.  I've chosen the wrong path at times and found myself with my wrists pinned down behind my head, my "no!" ignored, wasting too much time on a man who wasn't that into me, etc.  Fortunately although I was assaulted I never was raped.  

Not sure why you quoted my post; by doing so, it would appear you disagree with what I wrote?  Not accusing, just asking.   I'm confused why you quoted me. 

In any case, we're on the same page Batya, worded differently. 

@electricorchidfrom reading your posts, it sounds like you are fully aware of what you could have done differently and better in this situation which is why I have chosen to not harp on that. 

Yes he behaved poorly. But that's irrelevant, you can't control how others behave, all you can control is how you respond to it. 

Learn forgiveness, it's so important in the healing process and evolving as a woman and human being.

In truth I probably wouldn't still be living had I not learned forgiveness.  But I'll save that for another time, it's not my thread.

Forgive yourself, forgive him (for yourself NOT him), learn from it and move on.  Which includes blocking as @MissCanuck suggested. 

That's all you can do.  

 

 

 

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not sure why you quoted my post; by doing so, it would appear you disagree with what I wrote?  Not accusing, just asking.   I'm confused why you quoted me. 

In any case, we're on the same page Batya, worded differently. 

@electricorchidfrom reading your posts, it sounds like you are fully aware of what you could have done differently and better in this situation which is why I have chosen to not harp on that. 

Yes he behaved poorly. But that's irrelevant, you can't control how others behave, all you can control is how you respond to it. 

Learn forgiveness, it's so important in the healing process and evolving as a woman and human being.

In truth I probably wouldn't still be living had I not learned forgiveness.  But I'll save that for another time, it's not my thread.

Forgive yourself, forgive him (for yourself NOT him), learn from it and move on.  Which includes blocking as @MissCanuck suggested. 

That's all you can do.  

 

 

 

I agree that he acted like a jerk. I’m not sure about gaslighting and we agree it’s a life lesson. Not sure if it matters how you label his acting like a jerk. I gave my input on what to do next and I’m totally fine if the OP does something entirely different although I hope she has no further interaction with him. 

[electricorchid]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’m not sure about gaslighting and we agree it’s a life lesson. Not sure if it matters how you label his acting like a jerk. I gave my input on what to do next and I’m totally fine if the OP does something entirely different although I hope she has no further interaction with him. 

He absolutely gaslighted me, I just also don't see the point in continue to finger point the blame to me entirely. It takes two to tango. Thankyou though for your opinion Bayta33, It's obvious it's a life lesson

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

He absolutely gaslighted me, I just also don't see the point in continue to finger point the blame to me entirely. It takes two to tango. Thankyou though for your opinion Bayta33, It's obvious it's a life lesson

I never wrote that  -I specifically wrote own your part in it - and that he acted like a jerk. Absolutely if you believe you were gaslighted you were.  I see that term thrown around a lot and to me in this particular situation not sure why -he acted like a jerk-isn't sufficient -but you heal in a way that works for you and if focusing on "I was gaslighted" helps you feel validated -more power to you!  I mean if you two were going to go to relationship counseling or were working through it then it might be highly relevant what exactly happened -to me personally -JMHO -he acted like a jerk would make me feel validated and if you need to consider the gaslighting aspect I defer to you!

Glad it feels like a life lesson to you and glad you didn't get physically harmed.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see that term thrown around a lot and to me in this particular situation not sure why...

Please read her post again describing what went down and how instead of owning his own shyt (lovebombing, future faking etc) and apologizing for misleading her, he "flipped the script" and essentially threw the blame on HER telling her it was HER fault for believing his nonsense. 

And said in a very cruel and hurtful way.

That's the gist of it and THAT is gaslighting, plain and simple. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Not sure he faked it

Got what he wanted and then found a way out

Did you really think it would be long lasting?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please read her post again describing what went down and how instead of owning his own shyt (lovebombing, future faking etc) and apologizing for misleading her, he "flipped the script" and essentially threw the blame on HER telling her it was HER fault for believing his nonsense. 

That's the gist of it and THAT is gaslighting, plain and simple. 

No I don’t need to read because she believes it was. Good enough for this situation IMO since from a practical perspective there won’t be a conversation where they discuss their perspectives. or where she will share with him why she feels gaslighted in the hopes of receiving an apology or working through it. Sounds like contact is over.
 

As my post explained. No need to reread what I wrote only if you feel like it.

 

I also don’t think it’s a good use of time to rehash what she shared about what he said or did or how it should be particularly categorized since going forward she likely will benefit most from reminding herself of what she is looking for and what she expects and - if faced with another situation where she feels chemistry and attraction she can choose to go with it again and act on it in the way she did here or she can do something different.
 

Whatever she chooses I hope it’s with less risk of physical danger.  That’s just my personal opinion.  
She’s a single adult and she can choose to pursue dating or relationships or sex or cuddles or whatever with other single adults who want that with her.

I sure hope this situation doesn’t result in any long lasting jadedness. That would be a real shame. . 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I don’t need to read because she believes it was. Good enough for this situation. As my post explained. No need to reread what I wrote only if you feel like it. 

Well to be fair Bat, you did ask why you thought the term gaslighting was used in this particular situation (your post I quoted) and I explained why.

That's all.

I think we are all pretty much on the same page about this including @electricorchid.  

It's all good. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well to be fair Bat, you did ask why you thought the term gaslighting was used in this particular situation (your post I quoted) and I explained why.

That's all.

I think we are all pretty much on the same page about this including @electricorchid.  

It's all good. 

 

I didn’t mean it in that way at all as my post explained. I wrote that I see gaslighting used a lot these days and I wrote why in this situation it shouldn’t matter how his jerky behavior is particularly categorized. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I didn’t mean it in that way at all as my post explained. I wrote that I see gaslighting used a lot these days and I wrote why in this situation it shouldn’t matter how his jerky behavior is particularly categorized. 

Fair enough, nuff said. 

[electricorchid]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please read her post again describing what went down and how instead of owning his own shyt (lovebombing, future faking etc) and apologizing for misleading her, he "flipped the script" and essentially threw the blame on HER telling her it was HER fault for believing his nonsense. 

And said in a very cruel and hurtful way.

That's the gist of it and THAT is gaslighting, plain and simple. 

Thankyou ❤️ 

[electricorchid]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"No I don’t need to read because she believes it was.

I also don’t think it’s a good use of time to rehash what she shared about what he said or did or how it should be particularly categorized since going forward she likely will benefit most from reminding herself of what she is looking for"

This is hilarious, this is ENOTALONE.com, I'm not rehashing and I think the hands down most commented person on this thread has been yourself rehashing blame that i should put on myself. Theres a difference between taking responsibility on myself and putting blame each and every day on myself. Please do not comment further, I don't appreciate you telling me that I "BELIEVE" that it was gaslighting, because that's exactly what he did. That's exactly what happened and what it was. 

I'm grateful I was safe, and the situation wasn't worse but words have meaning and I guess I just have to learn that some people carelessly say things and some of us mean what we say. As rainbowsandroses said, I do think I need to just give myself space and time to forgive myself and him. Both of us. 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, electricorchid said:

He absolutely gaslighted me, I just also don't see the point in continue to finger point the blame to me entirely. 

Honestly I don't see anyone blaming you.  It's simply that we are all responsible for our own choices.  You made a decision based on your "hopeless romantic" nature and it turned out to be smoke and mirrors.  I'm sure that it must have occurred to you that this was a little bit too romantic to have much of a chance of taking any kind of root.  It really seemed clearly destined to be a fling from the start if you wanted to look at it realistically.

That said, yes, the guy acted like a jerk and his way of getting out of what he helped to create was very cavalier. 

[Type O Negative]

12 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I'm not giving myself a pass at all, I'm not sure why you're continually reminding me I made a choice, when I know I did. And one that put myself in a position of vulnerability. Please also try to understand I don't write this posts to excuse my decisions in this, but to truly seek help in what to do next and your responses isn't giving guidance or care at all into that

Girl,

Don't take some random forum posts seriously.

I'm so truly sorry for what happened to you.

Try and see this whole thing as an adventure lived and momentarily enjoyed.

Please try not to be affected by what you see posted in response to you.

Easier said than done..

[Type O Negative]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I never wrote that  -I specifically wrote own your part in it - and that he acted like a jerk. Absolutely if you believe you were gaslighted you were.  I see that term thrown around a lot and to me in this particular situation not sure why -he acted like a jerk-isn't sufficient -but you heal in a way that works for you and if focusing on "I was gaslighted" helps you feel validated -more power to you!  I mean if you two were going to go to relationship counseling or were working through it then it might be highly relevant what exactly happened -to me personally -JMHO -he acted like a jerk would make me feel validated and if you need to consider the gaslighting aspect I defer to you!

Glad it feels like a life lesson to you and glad you didn't get physically 

Nevermind

[Guest]

This man is 100% going to play this as LONG as you are together. No doubt. Which sucks to hear. I know. But sometimes that *electric * chemistry is a dead giveaway that it will be toxic as hell. 

If you want to have peace in your life, drop him, BLOCK HIM.

It will only get harder to leave too, the longer it goes on.

Those toxic ones have the biggest grip on you psychologically. 

[Kwothe28]

On 7/9/2023 at 2:53 AM, electricorchid said:

How was this a misunderstanding when this man had the audacity to whisper in my ear while we were f****** that I was going to be his gf very soon?

I am sorry, but this is so silly that I dont believe anyone didnt comment on it. I know some women(lots of them here on the forum btw, maybe that is why they dont comment lol) believe how you connect with the man through sex. How after you have sex you are so connected emotionally yada yada yada. But in truth, for most men its just sex. It doesnt mean that much. He could have said how he is gona marry you in the moments of bliss. That doesnt mean a thing. 

You believing how he is gona make you his girlfriend just because he blabbed it during sex, is a prime example of you coping and gaslighting yourself. You cant accept that some rich Italian guy just flew you out for sex and used you. So now you are trying to frame it in a way that your brain can accept it aka "OMG he didnt use me, he wanted to be with me". No he didnt. He earns 4x more then you and just flew you out for sex. I am sorry, but aside of maybe looks you dont have anything to offer there for a girlfriend. He even said it himself with "Why dont you pay sometimes?"

I am not saying this to blame you. You were seduced by somebody and lost reality in it. For all intensive purposes you were the victim of a man who promised you things that he never had a wish to honor. But you need a healthy dose of reality so this wont happen again. No, rich hot Italian guys wont make you their girlfriend. They would say anything, promise everything, even dedicate themselves to keeping contact with you, just to have sex. Yes, some men would do that in order to get sex, not all would just send you "Wanna hookup?" on Tinder. Because, newsflash, it doesnt work that way in most cases. That is why they lie and promise things, even spend some money on you. Because otherwise you wouldnt have sex with him. Again, be more careful next time and have your two feet on the ground instead of head in the cloud.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, electricorchid said:

This is hilarious, this is ENOTALONE.com, I'm not rehashing and I think the hands down most commented person on this thread has been yourself rehashing blame that i should put on myself. Theres a difference between taking responsibility on myself and putting blame each and every day on myself. Please do not comment further, I don't appreciate you telling me that I "BELIEVE" that it was gaslighting, because that's exactly what he did. That's exactly what happened and what it was. 

I'm grateful I was safe, and the situation wasn't worse but words have meaning and I guess I just have to learn that some people carelessly say things and some of us mean what we say. As rainbowsandroses said, I do think I need to just give myself space and time to forgive myself and him. Both of us. 

You are misinterpreting what I've written now many times. Jaunty's post explains it well.  I don't think you have to forgive him for what it's worth - because there's no more ongoing contact.  I've been in similar -non-romantic-situations and I didn't forgive but I also moved on/got to a peaceful place.  I hope the same for you.  

For me personally the goal would be to move on -to let time have the jerky parts fade, perhaps enjoy the positive memories at some later point, and move on -as far as yourself you already wrote in our exchange what you plan to do.  Good luck!

[Lambert]

I'm sorry this happened. As someone else said, this is quite the adventure. I can see how intoxicating it was. I'd try to have/find some compassion for myself. 

Two things stood out to me. You said you broke your own rule for him.  Ugh. I have been there! What a kick in the butt. And a good lesson.  Don't break your own rules on a whim or some benefit of the doubt. There's no point in having your own rule, if you don't follow it. 

When he said he didn't want a relationship you should have pulled back more. 

I think he was cold in the final message because it's over.  The cat was out of the bag. There was no way to fix this.  You might have wanted some closure or to leave the door open for the future? 

Try not to do that.  I know in the past I always wanted to leave things nice, but some people not only don't deserve it, they turn it on you.

Chin up.  F him. Hopefully you used condoms. If not get tested for diseases and move on from this.  he's there. You're here.  feel that distance and commit to making better choices going forward.  Lessons can hurt but they can help you next time, if you live & learn. Which is all we can really do. ❤️

 

 

[LootieTootie]

 

22 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I'm grateful I was safe, and the situation wasn't worse but words have meaning and I guess I just have to learn that some people carelessly say things and some of us mean what we say. As rainbowsandroses said, I do think I need to just give myself space and time to forgive myself and him. Both of us. 

This is all you need in order to close this chapter in your life. And you are going to know and do better next time an attractive man come in to your life and love bomb you. 

Also the way he treated you when you were in Italy, what a douche. You really dodged a bullet.