Need help on this situation, really don't want to bring him omg my space

[moomooland]

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now, we are not together, we don't limit each other from seeing other people. The thing is I always go to his place and he's never been to my place. I don't feel like bringing someone to my place unless we are exclusive but he wants to come over to my place and spend time here but I don't feel comfortable doing that. Plus he thinks in hiding something because I don't let him come to my place. How should I go about this? Also I am scared to get close to anyone. Bring someone to my place is a big deal.

[Cherylyn]

If you've been seeing this guy for months and you're always going to his place,  I agree with your guy that you need to be fair and have him visit your place.  You should go about this knowing that your relationship with this guy will not last if you're having this problem with him now.  He will grow increasingly disgruntled and will part ways with you. 

[moomooland]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

If you've been seeing this guy for months and you're always going to his place,  I agree with your guy that you need to be fair and have him visit your place.  You should go about this knowing that your relationship with this guy will not last if you're having this problem with him now.  He will grow increasingly disgruntled and will part ways with you. 

I understand that but if we were exclusive, that'd be different. Bring someone to my place is big deal for me. I have video chat him and showing him my place before. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, moomooland said:

I understand that but if we were exclusive, that'd be different. Bring someone to my place is big deal for me. I have video chat him and showing him my place before. 

Then tell him that.  Tell him that unless both of you are exclusive that you will not invite him to your place.  Let him determine if he wishes to continue seeing you or not. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, moomooland said:

Also I am scared to get close to anyone. 

Are you in therapy to help you work through this?  Is the man you're dating aware of this? 

I would not recommend exclusivity given your fear of closeness and emotional intimacy. 

Resolve your issues first.  

[moomooland]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Are you in therapy to help you work through this?  Is the man you're dating aware of this? 

I am in the process of going to therapy, part of me doesn't want to go because it's easier not to get close to anyone. 

I have told him before that I don't bring anyone to my place, my last relationship, it took me a year before I even let my then bf pick me up from my place.

 

[moomooland]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Then tell him that.  Tell him that unless both of you are exclusive that you will not invite him to your place.  Let him determine if he wishes to continue seeing you or not. 

I don't want things to progress and he said he's not looking for anything serious either, plus we agreed that we don't want to talk about us until one year. I'm just trying to find a way to tell him that I don't want him to my place until I'm ready without losing him 

[moomooland]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

I would not recommend exclusivity given your fear of closeness and emotional intimacy. 

Resolve your issues first.  

This is one of the reasons why I don't go to therapy, I think it just easier for me not to get closed, 

I had failed marriage 

[Cherylyn]

51 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I don't want things to progress and he said he's not looking for anything serious either, plus we agreed that we don't want to talk about us until one year. I'm just trying to find a way to tell him that I don't want him to my place until I'm ready without losing him 

Don't have time limits or rules regarding communication.  If you've been seeing him for months and going to his place,  there is no reason not to tell him that you won't invite him to your place until the relationship is exclusive.  This is not an ultimatum.  It's a fact.  There is no "us" by stating a fact.  If he decides to end seeing you after months,  then seeing this guy long term wasn't meant to be.  Don't make the "exclusive" rule to be the deal breaker for you.  Tell him the truth and if he can't handle your truth and how you feel,  then why would you want to be exclusive with a guy like this? 

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I had failed marriage 

I can relate, my marriage recently ended as well.  I also lost my beloved brother to cancer last year.  

And as such, like you, I have a bit of fear about getting too close to people (men) as well.

I deal with it by not dating right now, it's NOT fair to the men who wish to date me who DO seek closeness. 

I don't do casual.  

I am currently in therapy and also working through on my own.  LOTS of reading and such. 

It makes no sense to go exclusive right now @moomooland, it would be an absolute disaster.  You don't want that anyway. 

Since you have no desire to be close to anyone, and therefore not willing to do the work required to resolve the issue (therapy), short term casual relationships may be the best way to go. 

This one has gone on too long.  He's beginning to have expectations which is perfectly normal after a few months. 

You may have to end this one and begin anew with someone else  (casual short term) until you're ready to be close again and do the work required to get over your fear. 

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry about your failed marriage. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, moomooland said:

. Bring someone to my place is big deal for me. I have video chat him and showing him my place before. 

Are you both seeing others? How old is he? Do you both work? How often do you see each other? Do you go on dates or just go to his place for sex?  Do you trust him?

What is your living situation? Do you rent? Own?  Do you live alone? With parents? Roommates? Is there something wrong with your place like hoarding or other issues? What exactly is the issue?

What, exactly is the problem? That you would rather be exclusive or that you don't want people in your place?

[smackie9]

You have an arrangement. You don't want him or anyone you are dating in your personal space. He should honour that IMO. Since this is casual, honestly what does it matter to him what you could be hiding? You both are free to do with whatever with whomever you want. If he don't like it then tough bananas. I totally get you...I'm a private person too.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, moomooland said:

Plus he thinks in hiding something because I don't let him come to my place. How should I go about this? Also I am scared to get close to anyone.

Then why are you seeing him?

If you don't want him there, explain why.  is because you two are not exclusive.

But, it's concerning that you've let this carry on for months, yet fear getting close to anyone and yet you remain with a guy with whom you hve no idea IF he's seeing others?  😕 , what's that doing to you?

I think you need to figure your own self out.  What do you want?  Are you truly ready to date?

 

[catfeeder]

You are not obligated to host anyone in your home if you don’t want to. If his objection to that causes a problem for you, tell him you’re walking away while you both think highly of one another, and if he ever changes his mind about objecting to your privacy policy, he can let you know.  Maybe you can meet to catch up in that case. Otherwise, you wish him the best.

Then go about your business of seeing other people.

It’s never our job to make someone else’s problem our own.

[moomooland]

53 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Then why are you seeing him?

If you don't want him there, explain why.  is because you two are not exclusive.

But, it's concerning that you've let this carry on for months, yet fear getting close to anyone and yet you remain with a guy with whom you hve no idea IF he's seeing others?  😕 , what's that doing to you?

I think you need to figure your own self out.  What do you want?  Are you truly ready to date?

 

We both agreed on seeing each other without no commitment and we both agreed to see other people. 

I am open from the beginning that I am not ready for anything serious , he said the same thing. I know he goes on dates so I am being cautious. 

 

[moomooland]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

 

why would you want to be exclusive with a guy like this? 

I don't want to be exclusive, I want to date casually so that no one can get close to me 

 

[moomooland]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I can relate, my marriage recently ended as well.  I also lost my beloved brother to cancer last year.  

And as such, like you, I have a bit of fear about getting too close to people (men) as well.

I deal with it by not dating right now, it's NOT fair to the men who wish to date me who DO seek closeness. 

I don't do casual.  

I am currently in therapy and also working through on my own.  LOTS of reading and such. 

It makes no sense to go exclusive right now @moomooland, it would be an absolute disaster.  You don't want that anyway. 

Since you have no desire to be close to anyone, and therefore not willing to do the work required to resolve the issue (therapy), short term casual relationships may be the best way to go. 

This one has gone on too long.  He's beginning to have expectations which is perfectly normal after a few months. 

You may have to end this one and begin anew with someone else  (casual short term) until you're ready to be close again and do the work required to get over your fear. 

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry about your failed marriage. 

 

I'd let him get close but I know he still goes on date / dating other people. That's why I only do casual dating 

[moomooland]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

 

 

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You are not obligated to host anyone in your home if you don’t want to. If his objection to that causes a problem for you, tell him you’re walking away while you both think highly of one another, and if he ever changes his mind about objecting to your privacy policy, he can let you know.  Maybe you can meet to catch up in that case. Otherwise, you wish him the best.

Then go about your business of seeing other people.

It’s never our job to make someone else’s problem our own.

I sent him a text that about revisit him coming to me on December, since my sister still staying with me until December 

[moomooland]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You have an arrangement. You don't want him or anyone you are dating in your personal space. He should honour that IMO. Since this is casual, honestly what does it matter to him what you could be hiding? You both are free to do with whatever with whomever you want. If he don't like it then tough bananas. I totally get you...I'm a private person too.

The things is I have video chat him and show him my place and I video chat him multiple times.  

I sent him a text and want to revisit him coming to my on December but he doesn't like that I might have to walk away 

[moomooland]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you both seeing others? How old is he? Do you both work? How often do you see each other? Do you go on dates or just go to his place for sex?  Do you trust him?

What is your living situation? Do you rent? Own?  Do you live alone? With parents? Roommates? Is there something wrong with your place like hoarding or other issues? What exactly is the issue?

What, exactly is the problem? That you would rather be exclusive or that you don't want people in your place?

My sister is currently staying with me until December, I tent and no roommate. My place is small and it's old house. 

I would let him in my house if we were exclusive 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, moomooland said:

My sister is currently staying with me until December. I would let him in my house if we were exclusive 

Tell him you have company at your house. If you want to be exclusive with someone, get rid of him.

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, moomooland said:

i am open from the beginning that I am not ready for anything serious ,

25 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I know he goes on dates so I am being cautious

Well of course he's going on dates with others.  You told him you don't want anything serious! 

I'm confused about it is what you're expecting.  You can't have it both ways, that's not fair. 

What do you want?  Do you even know? 

Serious question. 

[moomooland]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What do you want?  Do you even know

I do know what I want, I don't want anything serious, I have no problem with him seeing other people but I expect him not to get close to me and get yo know me more. I think he might catch feeling

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I would let him in my house if we were exclusive

Again, you told him you're not ready to be serious. 

You want to be exclusive so he won't date orher women, yet you yourself don't want to be close or want to be serious. 

I'm sorry this makes no sense, my head is spinning.  

HE is not the "bad guy" here, he is following YOUR lead in not wanting this to be serious, so he's dating others as he should. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I do know what I want, I don't want anything serious, I have no problem with him seeing other people but I expect him not to get close to me and get yo know me more. I think he might catch feeling

Ok I mean no offense I promise but you're all over the place. 

On one hand you said he's dating others so you're being cautious. 

Now above you say you have no problem with him dating others, you don't want to be close or serious and you're afraid he will catch feelings.

My advice?  Stop dating him.  This situationship has gone on too long.  

Meet someone else who wants what you want. No going to each other's homes, keep your distance, keep it casual.

Problem solved, don't be jerking this guy around with your mixed and confusing messages, its not fair.