How to cope with insecurities in relationships

[Bluebird064]

I’ve been trying to write out a post for over a week now and each time I write it out, leave it and rewrite and each time it comes out different but with the same issues.  
 

I’ve had issues with my self esteem and insecurity for a long time.  I have periods where my brain is overwhelmed with emotion and I get myself into a right mess.  
 

my bf is wonderful and I love him dearly. He’s like my best friend.  I’ve had issues with myself and my body for a while which he knows about.  I’m a curvy girl, not hugr but I’m meaty, I’m active and not unhealthy. It’s one of the things that he finds attractive and loves about me.  He tells me he loves my curves but I still feel like not enough because of the way I see myself.   When he brings up that he used to fancy this celebrity or this person etc it makes me feel something in the pit of my stomach and it hurts. I start to compare and pick myself apart.  I know that he’s going to find other people attractive.  It’s part of life. What he finds attractive ain’t going to stop because of him being in a relationship.

the other night we were joking - idk if that was the right word but we wasn’t being serious about having a 3sum with another girl. He knows how I feel about it and sometimes we just talk about it and joke about it. I think because I want reassurance that wants me and finds me attractive physically.  when I said nooo it ain’t gonna happen while giggling, he said “not even with an attractive curvy woman” and for some reason it really hurt me and my face kinda dropped and I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I guess because of how I see myself and that my brain says he’s thinking of another woman.    He told me that even if we did do it, he wouldn’t do anything with her and he would just want to watch us two and would only enjoy it if I was as he gets off on me enjoying it rather than what’s happening.  If I wasn’t enjoying it he wouldn’t enjoy it either regardless if she was meant to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  I still felt like *** because it feels like he’s just saying that to make me feel good and I just feel like he would want to have sex with another woman. I play how that scenario goes in my head if we did do that and the pain I feel in my heart is stupid. (I basically think I’ll get left out and that he’s turned on only by her and not me). Idk why I do it to myself I really don’t and I know it’s not healthy for my mental health. 
 

I’ve been sat here re writing different things that have happened and why I feel emotional about them and why I keep getting upset and paranoid and it boils down to being insecure.  Each problem I’ve had is not because of him but because of me and my insecurities that never seem to go away. I’ve had therapy for self esteem and depression and these keep creeping back in.  I’ve tried losing weight with no prevail because the issues are still buried there, I try self affirmations but I feel like I’m lying to myself.  I can’t even write a list of positive attributes cause I can’t think of any about myself. 

 

I guess my boyf does contribute in the sense he’s not an emotional person. He can be quite cold emotionally sometimes but his past explains why he is like that but he does try to work on it. When there is no sex or affection my mind wonders. Even if he tells me he’s stressed at work which is why we don’t have sex my mind still things it’s an issue about me and I know it’s a real unhealthy way of thinking.    I know that if my bf did stray or leave me then I need to look it as he isn’t right for me and more fool him but it’s easier said than done and I can’t cut someone out so easy where as I know he can. 
 

These thoughts and feelings are painful and I know if I carry on I’ll end up pushing my bf away / sabotaging my relationship with my up and down moods and needing constant reassurance and compliments on things.   I don’t know what attachment style is but I know it needs to change and I don’t know where to start.  
 

I have my moment when I’m with my partner but if I’m off work and he’s at work and away this is when the mood swings really pop up. Like today. Im off work. Im sat alone with my thoughts and it really bloody hurts. 
 

i know I’ll probably need to seek help again but I just want some support or advice on where to start.  What I can do in the meantime,  things I can do to help myself when I feel this way.  I can’t really open up to my bf about this,  he knows how I feel and I feel like I just bombard him constantly and because he’s not an emotional person he can switch off because he can’t deal with it.  I also feel like I would annoy with the constant need of reassurance from him.  
 

I shouldn't Solely rely on physical actions (like affection and sex) to prove his attraction to me and his love for me.  

 

Sorry for the ramble and vent and hopefully It makes sense.  I just feel a little lost and alone with myself right now and don’t know where to begin to unpick
 

 

[Batya33]

What do you mean by "not unhealthy?"  Are you healthy and how is your energy level? Do you find that you feel more insecure when you are tired after a big meal? Do you drink sugary drinks or a lot of coffee? How much plain water do you drink each day and do you keep track of hydrating if you know you don't?

Do you do brisk cardio regularly and for enough of a time period at a time? You're meaty which is fine if you are healthy-not fine if it's not consistent with what your BMI should be or what your body typically looks like.  Does your weight fluctuate a lot and would you feel more secure if you had a thinner appearance (meaning some people are simply built larger and/or have a lot of muscle mass so they don't look slim but they're healthy and fit).

I'm not insecure about my body but I get moody and the three best antidotes for me are -enough sleep, working out (I do cardio exercise daily, for many years), and eating reasonably healthy plus at least 80-90 ounces of water/day.  I also gave up diet soda years ago and that helped a lot overall. Food=mood IMO.

Your boyfriend is cold to you because he chooses that - he cannot blame his past and certainly not to the extent you're giving him a pass. Did you find that coldness alluring/masculine at first or did it excite you to have to win him over?

I'd stop the talking/joking about a threesome because it sounds like you're doing it to test his loyalty to you and whether he is into you enough.

I'd start with you being into you enough -meaning the basics I mentioned above -and if it results in you losing a little weight that's not necessarily the goal if your physician thinks you're a good weight but it's also not the worst thing.  Or gain in muscle. Whatever - be more comfortable in your own body and skin can help so much. And yes to therapy.  Also do you have an active life outside of him? Volunteer work? Friends? etc? 

I hope you feel better.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Bluebird064 said:

  Each problem I’ve had is not because of him 

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he? Please ask him to stop taunting you about threesomes. It's not funny anymore and you know it. So yes, some of the problems are due to his insensitivity on that issue.

The other issue is self image, but you can improve on this.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask about fitness and nutrition programs if you would like to lose weight. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Your BF seems to be attracted to you just as you are and that's fine, so whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself. And definitely tell him the threesome "jokes" are not funny.

[Bluebird064]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What do you mean by "not unhealthy?"  Are you healthy and how is your energy level? Do you find that you feel more insecure when you are tired after a big meal? Do you drink sugary drinks or a lot of coffee? How much plain water do you drink each day and do you keep track of hydrating if you know you don't?

Do you do brisk cardio regularly and for enough of a time period at a time? You're meaty which is fine if you are healthy-not fine if it's not consistent with what your BMI should be or what your body typically looks like.  Does your weight fluctuate a lot and would you feel more secure if you had a thinner appearance (meaning some people are simply built larger and/or have a lot of muscle mass so they don't look slim but they're healthy and fit).

I'm not insecure about my body but I get moody and the three best antidotes for me are -enough sleep, working out (I do cardio exercise daily, for many years), and eating reasonably healthy plus at least 80-90 ounces of water/day.  I also gave up diet soda years ago and that helped a lot overall. Food=mood IMO.

Your boyfriend is cold to you because he chooses that - he cannot blame his past and certainly not to the extent you're giving him a pass. Did you find that coldness alluring/masculine at first or did it excite you to have to win him over?

I'd stop the talking/joking about a threesome because it sounds like you're doing it to test his loyalty to you and whether he is into you enough.

I'd start with you being into you enough -meaning the basics I mentioned above -and if it results in you losing a little weight that's not necessarily the goal if your physician thinks you're a good weight but it's also not the worst thing.  Or gain in muscle. Whatever - be more comfortable in your own body and skin can help so much. And yes to therapy.  Also do you have an active life outside of him? Volunteer work? Friends? etc? 

I hope you feel better.

I’m active in this sense I get out and exercise if that means going for walks etc. i drink 2L water a day and eat quite well with the odd unhealthy day here and there.  I used to swim, ballet and martial arts when I was younger and never was slim then but was a healthy build.  My job is quite stationary but I do try and get as many steps in (I average around 15k a day) by walking long way home to and from work and weekends are used for going out for long walks and exploring etc  I find it hard to fit exercise like gym etc into working week because of my working hours.  I’ve been all types of weights from unhealthy large to unhealthy slim  and now I’m in between.

I’ve been to the drs recently and they have found I’m vitamin D deficient and it was very low so I’m on tablets for that. Which I know that can effect your mood.  I try and aim for 8 hours sleep but I get restless in the middle of the night which does not help 

 

I see friends as much as I can.  I know he’s not always cold and he can sometimes be emotional also.  I know his reasons in his past as to why he don’t show emotion and he is working on it.  He also has ADD which also contributes to everything.  He knows how I feel about him being cold and he knows what I need. 
 

i guess this is just my first way of reaching out to get a little support and get it off my chest.  I feel writing things quite therapeutic 

[Batya33]

It sounds like you know what to do as far as physical activity and it sounds like you've fluctuated quite a bit (as an aside I used to take Vitamin D3 supplements and then read some concerning studies about it recently -my multivitamin has it) -also I read that even 20 minutes of sunlight/day helps a lot.

I'm glad writing it out helps!!!

[Bluebird064]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he? Please ask him to stop taunting you about threesomes. It's not funny anymore and you know it. So yes, some of the problems are due to his insensitivity on that issue.

The other issue is self image, but you can improve on this.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask about fitness and nutrition programs if you would like to lose weight. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Your BF seems to be attracted to you just as you are and that's fine, so whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself. And definitely tell him the threesome "jokes" are not funny.

I guess it’s still classed as new relationship but over 6 months so we’re out the honeymoon period.  We do live together now. He’s 33 and I’m 30.   
 

i guess I don’t help by going along with the jokes so I guess I’m not helping myself there with the situation - either he knows I’m not okay with it and taunting or because he sees me joking along with it he thinks I’m comfortable with it and carries on but I know it will need to be a chat if it happens again. 

i know I can loose the weight as my weight has gone down since living with him but I know that I need to also tackle the mental issue.  I’ve had no complaints with my weight from previous partners but it’s all down to preference.  
 

thank you for your response though. Seeing other people responses can sometimes help home in on issues and make you see it from a different perspective 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Bluebird064 said:

know I can loose the weight as my weight has gone down since living with him but I know that I need to also tackle the mental issue.  I’ve had no complaints with my weight from previous partners but it’s all down to preference.  
 

I wasn't asking about his preference or whether he "complains" about your body -I meant are you comfortable with your body -that's what matters IMO.

Also I don't like his line crossing with the sexual jokes.  Couples have their boundaries- some like role playing in bed, some don't, some are totally open about preferring other types of bodies/looks/hairstyles etc.  I remember many years ago my husband and I were talking about the whole thing where man and woman have one night stand then woman is "waiting" for a call from man that never comes.  So I joked "how long would it have taken you to call me if we had sex that first night we [reconnected]".  He said - oh, I would have called you the next morning -I would have rolled over and called to you "hey, wanna have sex again??"

With him this was really funny.  And I asked knowing the answer would be funny and certainly not hurtful even in a "joking way"  because we trust each other.  But yes I'd been with men - fooled around -where they made an off color joke that was unfunny or too familiar/tacky that rubbed me the wrong way.  It depends.