Bluebird064

I know I shouldn’t have done it again but I did. Mainly to delete those photos as it’s not fair to my neighbour and I know it’s morally wrong. I’ve deleted them and deleted them from the recycling bin so they’re gone gone. i guess I would deal with the consequences if he finds out but I don’t think he will say “hey did you go in my phone and delete some photos” cause it’s outing himself I’ve made a choice not to bring it up to him mainly because I can’t deal with the argument over a photo and right now my head hurts. My brain is trying to create an excuse such as “well he watches porn” and I’m fine with that. I think I’m upset cause it’s so close to home. It’s literally next door.

Let me say. This stems from my last post of insecurities. I let them eat at me today. Real bad. They niggled at me and I thought about all the reasons why my partner has been different lately. How he’s been distant and something jusy don’t seem right with him. i was stupid and went through his phone and broke that trust and privacy and it’s something I’ve never done before and I regret it and I understand people are going to tell me how wrong it is. I know. I really do. but I saw he had a private album - I assume his “sexy alone time album”. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it (you know what they say curiosity killed the cat) and there were loads of pictures and videos of us - which I was aware of! That’s not the problem. The problem is that he has been taking photos of our neighbour in her garden, bent down and her thong showing at the top of her trousers and this was recent. As In last week recent. I felt sick. There’s one thing taking a photo and then there’s taking a photo and saving it in a private album for private use. Idk how to even bring this up to him without telling him I gone through his phone because he would blow and rightly so but I’m sat here bawling my eyes out while he’s passed out next to me. Idk why it hurts so much over 3 stupid photos. I guess it’s the thought of him doing something so gross to someone that knows nothing and the fact he clearly getting off over it.

I guess it’s still classed as new relationship but over 6 months so we’re out the honeymoon period. We do live together now. He’s 33 and I’m 30. i guess I don’t help by going along with the jokes so I guess I’m not helping myself there with the situation - either he knows I’m not okay with it and taunting or because he sees me joking along with it he thinks I’m comfortable with it and carries on but I know it will need to be a chat if it happens again. i know I can loose the weight as my weight has gone down since living with him but I know that I need to also tackle the mental issue. I’ve had no complaints with my weight from previous partners but it’s all down to preference. thank you for your response though. Seeing other people responses can sometimes help home in on issues and make you see it from a different perspective

I’m active in this sense I get out and exercise if that means going for walks etc. i drink 2L water a day and eat quite well with the odd unhealthy day here and there. I used to swim, ballet and martial arts when I was younger and never was slim then but was a healthy build. My job is quite stationary but I do try and get as many steps in (I average around 15k a day) by walking long way home to and from work and weekends are used for going out for long walks and exploring etc I find it hard to fit exercise like gym etc into working week because of my working hours. I’ve been all types of weights from unhealthy large to unhealthy slim and now I’m in between. I’ve been to the drs recently and they have found I’m vitamin D deficient and it was very low so I’m on tablets for that. Which I know that can effect your mood. I try and aim for 8 hours sleep but I get restless in the middle of the night which does not help I see friends as much as I can. I know he’s not always cold and he can sometimes be emotional also. I know his reasons in his past as to why he don’t show emotion and he is working on it. He also has ADD which also contributes to everything. He knows how I feel about him being cold and he knows what I need. i guess this is just my first way of reaching out to get a little support and get it off my chest. I feel writing things quite therapeutic

I’ve been trying to write out a post for over a week now and each time I write it out, leave it and rewrite and each time it comes out different but with the same issues. I’ve had issues with my self esteem and insecurity for a long time. I have periods where my brain is overwhelmed with emotion and I get myself into a right mess. my bf is wonderful and I love him dearly. He’s like my best friend. I’ve had issues with myself and my body for a while which he knows about. I’m a curvy girl, not hugr but I’m meaty, I’m active and not unhealthy. It’s one of the things that he finds attractive and loves about me. He tells me he loves my curves but I still feel like not enough because of the way I see myself. When he brings up that he used to fancy this celebrity or this person etc it makes me feel something in the pit of my stomach and it hurts. I start to compare and pick myself apart. I know that he’s going to find other people attractive. It’s part of life. What he finds attractive ain’t going to stop because of him being in a relationship. the other night we were joking - idk if that was the right word but we wasn’t being serious about having a 3sum with another girl. He knows how I feel about it and sometimes we just talk about it and joke about it. I think because I want reassurance that wants me and finds me attractive physically. when I said nooo it ain’t gonna happen while giggling, he said “not even with an attractive curvy woman” and for some reason it really hurt me and my face kinda dropped and I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I guess because of how I see myself and that my brain says he’s thinking of another woman. He told me that even if we did do it, he wouldn’t do anything with her and he would just want to watch us two and would only enjoy it if I was as he gets off on me enjoying it rather than what’s happening. If I wasn’t enjoying it he wouldn’t enjoy it either regardless if she was meant to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I still felt like *** because it feels like he’s just saying that to make me feel good and I just feel like he would want to have sex with another woman. I play how that scenario goes in my head if we did do that and the pain I feel in my heart is stupid. (I basically think I’ll get left out and that he’s turned on only by her and not me). Idk why I do it to myself I really don’t and I know it’s not healthy for my mental health. I’ve been sat here re writing different things that have happened and why I feel emotional about them and why I keep getting upset and paranoid and it boils down to being insecure. Each problem I’ve had is not because of him but because of me and my insecurities that never seem to go away. I’ve had therapy for self esteem and depression and these keep creeping back in. I’ve tried losing weight with no prevail because the issues are still buried there, I try self affirmations but I feel like I’m lying to myself. I can’t even write a list of positive attributes cause I can’t think of any about myself. I guess my boyf does contribute in the sense he’s not an emotional person. He can be quite cold emotionally sometimes but his past explains why he is like that but he does try to work on it. When there is no sex or affection my mind wonders. Even if he tells me he’s stressed at work which is why we don’t have sex my mind still things it’s an issue about me and I know it’s a real unhealthy way of thinking. I know that if my bf did stray or leave me then I need to look it as he isn’t right for me and more fool him but it’s easier said than done and I can’t cut someone out so easy where as I know he can. These thoughts and feelings are painful and I know if I carry on I’ll end up pushing my bf away / sabotaging my relationship with my up and down moods and needing constant reassurance and compliments on things. I don’t know what attachment style is but I know it needs to change and I don’t know where to start. I have my moment when I’m with my partner but if I’m off work and he’s at work and away this is when the mood swings really pop up. Like today. Im off work. Im sat alone with my thoughts and it really bloody hurts. i know I’ll probably need to seek help again but I just want some support or advice on where to start. What I can do in the meantime, things I can do to help myself when I feel this way. I can’t really open up to my bf about this, he knows how I feel and I feel like I just bombard him constantly and because he’s not an emotional person he can switch off because he can’t deal with it. I also feel like I would annoy with the constant need of reassurance from him. I shouldn't Solely rely on physical actions (like affection and sex) to prove his attraction to me and his love for me. Sorry for the ramble and vent and hopefully It makes sense. I just feel a little lost and alone with myself right now and don’t know where to begin to unpick