Cheating Advice

[123Pinkfreak]

My ex boyfriend and I started dating in June of 2022 and broke up on April 13, 2023. We both moved in together after 5 months of dating. I used to date a guy who I had my son with who is now 4 years old. My child’s father and I broke up because he was emotionally and physically abusive, he also cheated on me while I was eight months pregnant and gave me chlamydia which I voiced to my recent ex. We trauma bonded and he said he was cheated on too after a 5 year relationship which broke him. 

 

About 3 months after my new partner and I moved in together, I became very insecure and started being psychologically abusive and said hurtful things. I would tell him I was going to sleep with other guys when I didn’t get attention and did a lot of immature things for him to prove that he cared to fight for me and show that he “loved me.” I would take pictures of myself naked for him to question my behaviour and wonder who I was sending the pictures to, even though I wasn’t sending them to anyone. I know this is very wrong and I am not proud of my behaviour. I usually self sabotage and push people away when I get into relationships. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. 

 

I found out last month that he went to his ex girlfriends house in February, the girl said they made out and he tried to take her clothes off, however he claimed this did not happen, and insisted that he would take a lie detector test to prove that it didn’t happen if I wanted him to. He said they had a 20 minute conversation and she cried asking to get back together and he ended up leaving. I also found out recently after texting another ex that he messaged her to go for coffee, but she declined. He said he did this because of what I was saying to him and he needed validation from someone who he knew cared about him. He told me he tried to communicate multiple times that he was depressed, but that I didn’t do or say anything about it. I may have not taken it as serious as I should have in hindsight. 

 

In March I found out I was pregnant with his  child. I was upset that he went to his ex girlfriends apartment and lied that he went to his brothers and ignored my calls. He said he did this because he did not feel validated and loved when I was saying those hurtful things for many months. I ended up having an abortion at 3 months pregnant, despite it going against my initial values. I did not think I would be able to take care of myself and after everything I found out I was broken due to PTSD from my previous trauma of getting cheated on. I moved out of our apartment the next day I found out that he cheated. I also lost my job and moved into my parents house. My friends and family have been extremely supportive. 

 

It’s been a month since our breakup. Moving forward he wants to go to couples therapy and as I tried to resist no contact, I caved in and replied to his message. He told me he’ll do anything to regain my trust, that he would give me all of his passwords to his Apple ID, social media, etc. and also told me he is going to therapy and wants to get to the root of our issues so we can make it work this time and hopes that we can also go to therapy together. I wonder if the trust will ever be regained and too much has happened, but another part of me entertains the idea of what if we did this the right away now that we have reflected and are willing to change. Should I give it another chance or accept what’s done is done?

 

I am very confused as he tells me that we both made mistakes and reassured me that if we take the necessary steps that we can have a healthy relationship with guidance of a therapist and hard work. I told him what I did was verbally abusive, but at least I didn’t cheat or follow through with actions. He told me what about people who commit suicide due to bullying because that’s what I did to him which caused him to make the mistake that he did. 

 

I miss him even though what he did was awful. And apart of me is also now questioning if I played a part of our relationship becoming toxic as well. I fear what my family will think if I decide to try and work on things. I told him as of right now I need to focus on myself and learn to love myself. I am currently going to therapy. He said he will give me and himself time to figure out our own individual issues so that we can be better for ourselves and hopefully each other. Please give me advice as  I feel like I need help. I can’t talk to anyone about this aside from my therapist because I fear judgement. 

[Jibralta]

I think it's best to make a clean break at this point. You both acted poorly. Learn from this, and do better next time!

[Big Stan]

You don't get PTSD from being cheated on.  

[123Pinkfreak]

@Big Stan I personally did since it happened when I was last pregnant at 8 months and got an Std

[Big Stan]

Were you professionally diagnosed with PTSD?

[123Pinkfreak]

Yes. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with other things from a psychotherapist and now I have been with PTSD

[Big Stan]

Fair enough then I retract my statement. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, 123Pinkfreak said:

Should I give it another chance or accept what’s done is done?

Nope. 

This is not a relationship worth saving. It's way too far off the rails, and you need to leave it behind you. It won't ever be the same and you two are horrible for each other. 

Stay single and learn to be on your own. Get to an emotionally healthy place. Until then, any attempt at dating will end in a trainwreck because you're not making good choices for yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you both have a myriad of issues. And as such are not really for a relationship with anyone. Until you work on those issues and become a healthy individual, please dont date. At all.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, 123Pinkfreak said:

 I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.  I also lost my job and moved into my parents house. My friends and family have been extremely supportive. 

Sorry this happened. It's good you moved out and are with supportive family. Have you petitioned for child support on behalf of your child? 

Please go to social services for help with healthcare for yourself and your child, assistance with food stamps, help with employment and job training. Rather than go for one bad relationship to the next, focus on stabilizing your mental health and life in general as well as providing a stable life for your child.

You can turn your life around with someone practical help and mental health support.