My (29F) brother (21M) is being destructive to our family and his life

[Larissa1443]

I grew up in a dysfunctional household. My mother suffered abuse from her dad and she passed it onto my brother and she also had lots of traces of a narcissistic personality disorder. 

I had a good childhood, but my teenage years were literal hell. My mother abused my brother and I continuously, both verbally and physically. 

Like any narcissist, whenever we'd get her approval of something, it would be bliss. "Finally we were on her good side", but it look anything like even leaving a glass on a table for her to turn into a monster and blame us for existing. 

Many many times I heard I was an idiot, useless, shouldn't have been born, deserve be die alone, can't do anything right, that I'm dumb and the list goes on. I was physically hurt many times, I feared for my life a couple times - one time she threatened to crash into a tree while she was driving my brother and I to school. Life had always to be on her terms, every single detail. We were mocked for crying, we weren't allowed to be authentic and any spark of joy we had was instantly destroyed by her rage. She also suffers from depression and has attempted suicide more than a couple times. 

Needless to say, I grew up extremely traumatized and it put me in many many abusive relationships during my 20s and many self doubts. Now that I'm reaching my 30s, I can say I am healing, am in therapy. I now have a healthy relationship with her as well - for some reason she changed into a loving mother after I left my parents' house. 

But this isn't about me. 

We grew up in an upper-middle class suburb and always had an outstanding life in terms of resources. Good house, good school, clothes, travelling. Anything we wanted, we had it. My dad is the most hard working man I've ever met and everything that I have and am today, is thanks to him. He is my biggest inspiration in life and is the best person I have ever met. He has a heart of gold and I would truly die for him. 

I've always strived to be independent regardless of what we had. I moved overseas looking for new adventures and experiences. I've moved on. 

However, back home, everything seems to be upside down. My brother, who also endured the things I did, seems to be heading in the wrong direction. He hasn't finished school, he doesn't work and smokes weed all day. He lies to my parents. Recently he stole my mom's car and crashed it while they were away on a holiday. 

My mother is in a psychiatric clinic as she asked to be hospitalized as she was having suicidal thoughts again. 

To make matters worse, he got his ex girlfriend pregnant and he just had a baby. A beautiful baby boy, but my lord, my brother is a child himself. 

My dad, feels guilty thinking this is his fault and I assured him he is the last person to be blamed for this, he's the best parent anyone could ever have, my mother on the other hand, I cannot say the same thing unfortunately. My brother and mom still don't get along and it becomes an endless cycle of them treating each other badly. 

I love my brother, after all, he is family. But I'm starting to resent him for who he's becoming. And here on the other side of the world, I feel guilty for not even being able to help. My dad doesn't deserve this and I wish none of this was happening. I wish my brother would find a job and start his life, I wish he'd realize what he's doing is not ok. This is also due to the fact that growing up with money, my brother never had the need to change his lifestyle. But what he doesn't get is that lifestyle won't last forever. He needs to wake the f* up. 

He is sweet, has a gentle heart, he isn't violent or aggressive, but his life choices are damaging whatever else is left of this family. 

I'm not really sure what sort of advice I'm looking for here, like I said, it isn't about me, but more of what I can do to help out in this situation. What can I do for my brother, for my dad and for my mom? Being on the other side of the world makes everything harder as well. 

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

 I am healing, am in therapy. What can I do for my brother, for my dad and for my mom? Being on the other side of the world makes everything harder as well. 

Sorry this happened to you. Continue to focus on your own healing health wellness and therapy.

Build up your local life with your job, friends interests and pursuits 

All you can do is perhaps lend an ear. There's not much you can do about your parents choices.

Your brother makes his choices and unfortunately your father makes choices as well as far as enabling your brother.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's not much you can do about your parents choices.

Your brother makes his choices and unfortunately your father makes choices as well as far as enabling your brother.  

I was coming to say the same things. 

It sounds as though your dad has good intentions, OP, but he is not helping the situation. He is part of the problem, and there really isn't anything you can do about that. He is going to have to realize on his own that enabling your brother isn't the way forward. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your pained heart.  Don't feel guilty for not being able to help because it's beyond your control.  It's his life,  his poor choices and unfortunately,  additional financial burdens are dumped onto your father.  There is nothing you can do about it whether you're on the other side of the world or living under the same roof.  It's not your life.  This is what you must accept.  They're responsible for their own lot in life and you have your own life to sustain.  It's your brother,  the mother of his child and your father who must figure out how to continue to survive.  Unfortunately,  the baby boy is the innocent victim in all of this.  Your brother may never wake up but who knows?  Perhaps as long as he has his father to fall back on,  he may never become financially independent but there's nothing you can do about it.  

It's good that he's sweet and gentle yet non-violent nor aggressive but it doesn't solve his situation.  Short of sending money to your father to help with survival expenses or lighten the economic load,  there's nothing you can do.  As for your mother,  you can't do anything for her.  Defer to the professional mental healthcare she is receiving.