Should I send a gift or not?

[Batya33]

I agree with Jibralta and also these days I also think depending on the gift/occasion it's also fine to send a heartfelt email, etc.  Many years ago a cousin who was into saving the environment did personalized thank you voicemails for her bday -she was a tween. It was sweet because it was from the heart.

Jibralta reminded me of how I sprawled on my couch while my infant slept and penned thank yous for baby gifts lol.  

I agree with not punishing the child.  That's a tough one, yes? I think the earliest we had my son participate in thank yous was age 4 maybe? 5? But -we taught him from the time he could speak to show gratitude and thanks.  My mother is happy when he calls her and thanks her (she is not on email) and has made it clear written notes are not needed (same with my sister) but he thanks them from the heart.  

Goddess- I think the lack of sincere acknowlegement would bother me too - maybe send an inexpensive but fun picture book/book as a gift? (Sandra Boynton is one of my favorites for that age and maybe Curious George?).  It's less expensive and really can be saved for years and years and reread hopefully.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, goddess said:

I am a card maker, a card designer and a colourist so I enjoy sending them a handmade card.

That is awesome!

Well, don't spend too much time, effort, or money on people who are indifferent to it. Send a store-bought greeting card, instead! Or don't send anything at all. Focus on things that bring you happiness, not sadness. Your relatives will be ok without cards and gifts!

[goddess]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Jibralta and also these days I also think depending on the gift/occasion it's also fine to send a heartfelt email, etc.  Many years ago a cousin who was into saving the environment did personalized thank you voicemails for her bday -she was a tween. It was sweet because it was from the heart.

Jibralta reminded me of how I sprawled on my couch while my infant slept and penned thank yous for baby gifts lol.  

I agree with not punishing the child.  That's a tough one, yes? I think the earliest we had my son participate in thank yous was age 4 maybe? 5? But -we taught him from the time he could speak to show gratitude and thanks.  My mother is happy when he calls her and thanks her (she is not on email) and has made it clear written notes are not needed (same with my sister) but he thanks them from the heart.  

Goddess- I think the lack of sincere acknowlegement would bother me too - maybe send an inexpensive but fun picture book/book as a gift? (Sandra Boynton is one of my favorites for that age and maybe Curious George?).  It's less expensive and really can be saved for years and years and reread hopefully.

Thank you for the suggestion regarding the book.  Yes, it does bother me that my 33 year old niece can't be bothered to acknowledge me.  Annoying, but such is life.

[goddess]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

That is awesome!

Well, don't spend too much time, effort, or money on people who are indifferent to it. Send a store-bought greeting card, instead! Or don't send anything at all. Focus on things that bring you happiness, not sadness. Your relatives will be ok without cards and gifts!

I design cards for a couple of artists so it's no big deal for me to make a card, rather than buying one.  It is enjoyable for me, and if they are unable to appreciate it, their loss.  However, I would never stoop so low as to not send a card though.  But, that's just me.  Have a lovely day!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, goddess said:

Thank you for the suggestion regarding the book.  Yes, it does bother me that my 33 year old niece can't be bothered to acknowledge me.  Annoying, but such is life.

That is annoying!  My 35 year old niece took 2 weeks to respond to a post that we finally would be visiting her city (in a couple of weeks so I gave plenty advance notice)(um thanks Covid for making us cancel last year )- I wasn’t asking to stay with her literally just to meet her 3 kids and have my son see her again and meet his cousins. She wrote after two weeks “sure”. I know she has an infant and is wildly busy and …. If someone says they’re visiting me I kindly respond even if I’m busy and if so like “oh!  How wonderful ! Busy but will write more later”. Isn’t it just - common manners ???

[goddess]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is annoying!  My 35 year old niece took 2 weeks to respond to a post that we finally would be visiting her city (in a couple of weeks so I gave plenty advance notice)(um thanks Covid for making us cancel last year )- I wasn’t asking to stay with her literally just to meet her 3 kids and have my son see her again and meet his cousins. She wrote after two weeks “sure”. I know she has an infant and is wildly busy and …. If someone says they’re visiting me I kindly respond even if I’m busy and if so like “oh!  How wonderful ! Busy but will write more later”. Isn’t it just - common manners ???

How thoughtless and rude of your niece, Batya. Sorry.  I honestly don't know where their manners are.  Behaviour like that is pure disrespect in my mind.  I am the same way as you.  I would make it a point to respond in a timely manner.  NO ONE is that busy that they are unable to take literally one minute to respond to an email or a text?  If even that long.  

One thing that I have semi-learned over the years:  don't assume that people have the same principals/manner as I do.  I say semi-learned (is that even a word?  LOL) because, clearly, I still make that same mistake.  That is my problem.  Thanks again for answering again.  xx

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, goddess said:

Thank you for the suggestion regarding the book.  Yes, it does bother me that my 33 year old niece can't be bothered to acknowledge me.  Annoying, but such is life.

@goddess You sound very talented for creating your own greeting cards.  I enjoy this craft, too and I know how enjoyable yet time consuming it is.  I remember staying up many a night creating greeting cards for various occasions.  I've accumulated a lot of art supplies.  I imagine you do stamping,  embossing and calligraphy as well.  It is a great hobby indeed.  🙂

As for your 33 year old niece who can't be bothered to graciously thank you,  if you don't feel close to her nor see them due to the 5 hour distance,  then why bother going through the trouble sending her a postal greeting card whether it was handcrafted or store bought?   Rapport is nonexistent.  Therefore,  there is no relationship.  Sure,  it's the 2.5 year old but since obviously, this preschooler is too young to write a thank you note to you,  then it's the parents' responsibility to reach out to you yet they choose to ignore you which is disdainful.  I don't buy into excuses for ignoring those who've gone above and beyond to be kind and generous to others.  The parents are the ones who should've humbly,  sincerely and gratefully thanked you.  To ignore you is very DISRESPECTFUL.  I've known recipients such as what you've described and I no longer spend my hard earned cash on them anymore.  I don't spend my time and energy on them anymore either.  If I'm not worth it to them,  then they're not worth it to me.  I save money for myself and watch my bank account grow instead.  Why give of yourself to a bunch of ingrates?  They don't care about you so do likewise by not caring for them either.  It works both ways.  What goes around,  comes around.  Let this non-relationship be mutual,  equal and fair. 

I would go so far as to say if other people don't reciprocate,  for example, wishing me a "Happy Birthday,"  Christmas greetings nor congratulate me nor my immediate loved ones,  I don't extend kindness to them either whether it's online (texts / messages / emails),  social media,  voicemails,  phone calls,  postal greeting cards, expressions of gratitude / thank yous and the like.  Same with gift giving. 

In the past,  I've spent a lot of money on other people only for them to either ignore me or always do all the taking and never any giving back.  The relationship felt very lopsided. 

Always treat people the same exact way they treat you.  If they treat you as if you matter in any capacity,  then do likewise.  If they give you the cold shoulder,  learn to ignore them as well.  This way,  you'll no longer feel shortchanged,  hurt nor disappointed in others.  Follow their cue and imitate them.  Most likely,  they won't care that you are treating them the same exact way they've treated you.  No harm,  no foul.  Plus,  you save your time, trouble and wallet.  It's a win win situation all around. 

 

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, goddess said:

How thoughtless and rude of your niece, Batya. Sorry.  I honestly don't know where their manners are.  Behaviour like that is pure disrespect in my mind.  I am the same way as you.  I would make it a point to respond in a timely manner.  NO ONE is that busy that they are unable to take literally one minute to respond to an email or a text?  If even that long.  

One thing that I have semi-learned over the years:  don't assume that people have the same principals/manner as I do.  I say semi-learned (is that even a word?  LOL) because, clearly, I still make that same mistake.  That is my problem.  Thanks again for answering again.  xx

Yes- so many times, yes - we have to remind ourselves when we have unrealistic expectations. I always take less than one minute to express something kindly and thoughtfully as warranted even if I can't write more then.  All it takes: "busy and thanks so much! ttyl" or "great! looking forward!"  And for sure I've missed texts completely and written out a wordy response -forgot to click send.  But those are forgivable in general!

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, goddess said:

How thoughtless and rude of your niece, Batya. Sorry.  I honestly don't know where their manners are.  Behaviour like that is pure disrespect in my mind.  I am the same way as you.  I would make it a point to respond in a timely manner.  NO ONE is that busy that they are unable to take literally one minute to respond to an email or a text?  If even that long.  

One thing that I have semi-learned over the years:  don't assume that people have the same principals/manner as I do.  I say semi-learned (is that even a word?  LOL) because, clearly, I still make that same mistake.  That is my problem.  Thanks again for answering again.  xx

@goddess My husband said the same thing.  He said that not everyone shares your same social graces,  etiquette nor bothers giving you respect.  He was charitable when he said that many people are clueless regarding good manners.  Well,  if this is the case,  I can dish it right back.  🙄  If they treat me a certain way,  I treat them the same way they treat me whether it's good,  bad or indifferent. 

If they give me money or gifts,  I reciprocate in kind.  If they don't give me money or gifts,  I don't give them money or gifts.  Thanking each other is unnecessary because there is nothing to thank in the first place,  right?  😉  😋 

If they're known to be very abrupt and blunt with me regarding thanking me for anything,  then I don't do anything for them anymore.  Sure,  I'm kind but my limits grow shorter.  My former enthusiasm to make other people happy is no more.  My desire starts to wither and die.  I'm not that generous anymore with my good deeds,  money,  gifts,  time,  energy,  help,  labor,  etc.  Why?  Because they're not the same towards me.  The funny thing is that people don't care if you respond the same way they treat you.  Therefore,  I've since learned to expend less of myself over time as they've done for me.  This way there is no disappointment to be had.  Expectations are lowered to begin with for both sides and now you know exactly where you stand in the relationship or friendship.  You're on the same wavelength so there is no misunderstanding whatsoever.  ☺️

[Batya33]

Your comments reminded me of a friend of mine because it showed me what a stand out it was to experience simple but consistent gestures of thoughfulness and kindness.  She's in her 40s.  We met when she was newly married in her 20s.  She worked with me and sort of for me.  We became friends as well.  She left after about a year or so and she gave me a beautiful handwritten thank you note to thank me for being such a helpful colleague.

We stayed in touch over the years and I attended a bday party for her her husband organized, I gave to a number of charities on her behalf -her husband had cancer (thankfully very early stages!), she did marathons for various causes, and I sent her baby gifts as she did for me.  I believe I gave in memory of her mom who tragically passed.

She grew up in a challenging environment -difficult mom, single mom, challenging financial circumstances as she shared.

She sent thank you notes (maybe emails later on?) for every single gesture -whether it was a donation, gift or sponsoring her.  

You would think it would sort of feel routine but over the years she really is a standout in this respect -because it's every time and typically really soon after whatever the event is.  And she works full time, two kids busy busy!! And yet - it's just her, it's ingrained in her but it's like she never wants people to feel she's entitled to their gift or generosity.  Her notes are short but genuine.  She is who comes to mind whenever I think about this topic.  

Also because it's not perfunctory -not like MIss Manners stuff -I mean the notes are but this is just who she is.  I thought of it too because of this thread -would it stand out so much to me if it wasn't kind of in the minority these days?

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Your comments reminded me of a friend of mine because it showed me what a stand out it was to experience simple but consistent gestures of thoughtfulness and kindness.  She's in her 40s.  We met when she was newly married in her 20s.  She worked with me and sort of for me.  We became friends as well.  She left after about a year or so and she gave me a beautiful handwritten thank you note to thank me for being such a helpful colleague.

We stayed in touch over the years and I attended a bday party for her her husband organized, I gave to a number of charities on her behalf -her husband had cancer (thankfully very early stages!), she did marathons for various causes, and I sent her baby gifts as she did for me.  I believe I gave in memory of her mom who tragically passed.

She grew up in a challenging environment -difficult mom, single mom, challenging financial circumstances as she shared.

She sent thank you notes (maybe emails later on?) for every single gesture -whether it was a donation, gift or sponsoring her.  

You would think it would sort of feel routine but over the years she really is a standout in this respect -because it's every time and typically really soon after whatever the event is.  And she works full time, two kids busy busy!! And yet - it's just her, it's ingrained in her but it's like she never wants people to feel she's entitled to their gift or generosity.  Her notes are short but genuine.  She is who comes to mind whenever I think about this topic.  

Also because it's not perfunctory -not like MIss Manners stuff -I mean the notes are but this is just who she is.  I thought of it too because of this thread -would it stand out so much to me if it wasn't kind of in the minority these days?

@Batya33  I think it's very classy to remember those who've done something especially for you.   If anyone took the time,  energy,  resources,  help or labor to do anything for me,  the very least I can do for them is express my heartfelt, very humble gratitude.  (And, later, reciprocate in any capacity.)   If the recipient ignores the giver,  the relationship or friendship feels disrespected and ungrateful.  To ignore those who've expended themselves for a person or their loved ones is a real buzz kill and deal breaker.  It is not enjoyable to be the giver and feel ignored and unappreciated. 

If the kid is too young to write a thank you note (postal note,  text,  message,  email,  voicemail),  then it's the parent's responsibility to do the right thing by expressing appreciation and gratitude.  It's common sense.  Any other way,  starts to alienate others quickly which isn't a favorable scenario.   The relationship or friendship is not on good footing.  The giver will eventually cease good deeds,  drift apart and fade away.  It's bound to happen sooner or later.   I know because this has been my experience as the giver.  I no longer waste my good heart,  time,  energy and money on those who don't care.  As @Lambert said,  I care less and I'd even take it a step further by saying I do nothing for said ungrateful person because they're not worth it.

On my end,  out of habit courtesy of my mother,  I'm fairly prompt with my postal thank you notes.  (Electronic is fine as well.)  I have very neat cursive penmanship.  (Calligraphy is one of my hobbies.)  Because of my courteous habit,  I have great friendships and rapport with many family members and in-laws regarding remembering to express my gratitude.  It's not only for money and gifts either.  People have helped us move from one house to the other,  took time out of their busy lives to do something for me and my family,  helped us during emergencies,  spent time with us,  attended hosted events despite their hectic schedules and inconvenience,  family members doted on my sons or went above and beyond.  Because I fired off a gracious thank you note (postal in my case),  my relationships and friendships continue to flourish.  Therefore,  my immediate family and I benefit greatly from doing everything my mother had taught me ever since I was a young child. 

My best friend complained to me recently regarding her monetary generosity to her nieces,  nephews and siblings with nary a word of gratitude through the years.  She asked me what to do?  I advised her to stop the gravy train.  She did and now there is no more disrespect, hurts nor disappointment.  Both sides are equal. 

[Cherylyn]

On 4/18/2023 at 7:58 AM, goddess said:

As I mentioned, my niece had her second baby in January.  I sent her a gift for the baby plus a gift for the 2.5 year old.  I have yet to receive a thank you, be it a card or text.  I understand that announcements take time to print but this long?  Don't think so.  I also understand that she is busy with two kids but a little common courtesy would be appreciated.

So, my question is:  do I send a gift to the 2.5 year old whose birthday is in August, or should I just send a card?  (please note that I always make a handmade card and send it along with the gift/gifts.)  

Also, should I tell my brother why I didn't send a gift (if I don't) or not?  Thank you in advance.

 

@goddess I would just send the birthday card whether handmade or store bought  MINUS  money or gifts.  This is practicing good diplomacy.  If you choose not to send a card of any sort,  it's your call but it could damage an already cool or frosty relationship.  Why make the relationship worse?   This is regardless of the 5 hour drive distance between you and them. 

NO,   don't tell your brother why you didn't send a gift.   Let your actions or non-actions do all the talking.  No explanation necessary.  You don't owe anyone any explanation whatsoever.   Just do without telling him "why." 

[goddess]

On 4/19/2023 at 5:09 PM, Cherylyn said:

@goddess You sound very talented for creating your own greeting cards.  I enjoy this craft, too and I know how enjoyable yet time consuming it is.  I remember staying up many a night creating greeting cards for various occasions.  I've accumulated a lot of art supplies.  I imagine you do stamping,  embossing and calligraphy as well.  It is a great hobby indeed.  🙂

As for your 33 year old niece who can't be bothered to graciously thank you,  if you don't feel close to her nor see them due to the 5 hour distance,  then why bother going through the trouble sending her a postal greeting card whether it was handcrafted or store bought?   Rapport is nonexistent.  Therefore,  there is no relationship.  Sure,  it's the 2.5 year old but since obviously, this preschooler is too young to write a thank you note to you,  then it's the parents' responsibility to reach out to you yet they choose to ignore you which is disdainful.  I don't buy into excuses for ignoring those who've gone above and beyond to be kind and generous to others.  The parents are the ones who should've humbly,  sincerely and gratefully thanked you.  To ignore you is very DISRESPECTFUL.  I've known recipients such as what you've described and I no longer spend my hard earned cash on them anymore.  I don't spend my time and energy on them anymore either.  If I'm not worth it to them,  then they're not worth it to me.  I save money for myself and watch my bank account grow instead.  Why give of yourself to a bunch of ingrates?  They don't care about you so do likewise by not caring for them either.  It works both ways.  What goes around,  comes around.  Let this non-relationship be mutual,  equal and fair. 

I would go so far as to say if other people don't reciprocate,  for example, wishing me a "Happy Birthday,"  Christmas greetings nor congratulate me nor my immediate loved ones,  I don't extend kindness to them either whether it's online (texts / messages / emails),  social media,  voicemails,  phone calls,  postal greeting cards, expressions of gratitude / thank yous and the like.  Same with gift giving. 

In the past,  I've spent a lot of money on other people only for them to either ignore me or always do all the taking and never any giving back.  The relationship felt very lopsided. 

Always treat people the same exact way they treat you.  If they treat you as if you matter in any capacity,  then do likewise.  If they give you the cold shoulder,  learn to ignore them as well.  This way,  you'll no longer feel shortchanged,  hurt nor disappointed in others.  Follow their cue and imitate them.  Most likely,  they won't care that you are treating them the same exact way they've treated you.  No harm,  no foul.  Plus,  you save your time, trouble and wallet.  It's a win win situation all around. 

 

>>>    "The parents are the ones who should've humbly,  sincerely and gratefully thanked you.  To ignore you is very DISRESPECTFUL."

I feel the same way, Cherylyn.  So, if the parents don't send a text/email/card to say thank you, they won't teach the child that.  Shame, because the sender of the gift would feel appreciated and happy.  What a fail to understand is that, if I don't send a gift, I would feel guilty.  Isn't that crazy?  I'm all for treating people the way they treat you now.  I've got to remember that.  Thank you for answering any enjoy your weekend.

[goddess]

On 4/20/2023 at 7:03 PM, Cherylyn said:

@goddess I would just send the birthday card whether handmade or store bought  MINUS  money or gifts.  This is practicing good diplomacy.  If you choose not to send a card of any sort,  it's your call but it could damage an already cool or frosty relationship.  Why make the relationship worse?   This is regardless of the 5 hour drive distance between you and them. 

NO,   don't tell your brother why you didn't send a gift.   Let your actions or non-actions do all the talking.  No explanation necessary.  You don't owe anyone any explanation whatsoever.   Just do without telling him "why." 

Well said!  I won't tell my brother.  I'm sure he is clueless that his daughter does that.  My brother's son (the one who had a baby in February) not only sent me a thank you note but also an announcement.  It is so nice to be acknowledged.  When I give gifts, I truly don't expect any gifts in return, but I do expect a thank you.  But, that's just me.  

[goddess]

On 4/19/2023 at 6:44 AM, Jibralta said:

That is awesome!

Well, don't spend too much time, effort, or money on people who are indifferent to it. Send a store-bought greeting card, instead! Or don't send anything at all. Focus on things that bring you happiness, not sadness. Your relatives will be ok without cards and gifts!

Thanks!  I will send a card but no gift.  I'm tired of being taken for granted.  If they can't be bothered then I won't be bothered!  Now, I just have to figure out how to not feel bad or guilty.  LOL 

[Batya33]

Just now, goddess said:

Well said!  I won't tell my brother.  I'm sure he is clueless that his daughter does that.  My brother's son (the one who had a baby in February) not only sent me a thank you note but also an announcement.  It is so nice to be acknowledged.  When I give gifts, I truly don't expect any gifts in return, but I do expect a thank you.  But, that's just me.  

This reminded me -my son typed out thank you notes which he signed for the 6 friends who came to his bday gathering and brought gifts.  Husband facilitated it.  Then he asked me if I wanted to read them and I was trying not to micromanage so at first I said no but then I said sure.

Well I'm glad I did.  A few friends gave him gift cards to the video game he likes (for accessories) but his other friend gave him cash in a card.  So the thank you note to Cash Friend thanked him for the video game gift card.  Ooooops.  Glad I caught that!

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, goddess said:

Well said!  I won't tell my brother.  I'm sure he is clueless that his daughter does that.  My brother's son (the one who had a baby in February) not only sent me a thank you note but also an announcement.  It is so nice to be acknowledged.  When I give gifts, I truly don't expect any gifts in return, but I do expect a thank you.  But, that's just me.  

I feel the same way, Cherylyn.  So, if the parents don't send a text/email/card to say thank you, they won't teach the child that.  Shame, because the sender of the gift would feel appreciated and happy.  What a fail to understand is that, if I don't send a gift, I would feel guilty.  Isn't that crazy?  I'm all for treating people the way they treat you now.  I've got to remember that.  Thank you for answering any enjoy your weekend.

@goddess Good about not telling your brother why you did not send money or a gift.  It's unnecessary.  There is no reason to give a reason,  period.  I doubt your brother cares one way or another what his daughter does.  Don't stir the pot.  Don't create unnecessary drama.  Just quietly do what you choose to do. 

It was very gracious for your brother's son to send you a thank you note.  Any announcement (birth / graduation, etc) is always up to the discretion of the recipient of the announcement whether or not they choose to send a monetary gift,  gift or a congrats note in any form.  Regarding announcements,  for me,  it depends on my relationship with whoever did the announcing.  If I'm close to them,  if we're on good terms,  if they're courteous towards me and historically appreciative,  then I'm apt to send money,  gift and a congrats card.  If I'm not close to them and they're habitually ignorant,  rude, inconsiderate and ill mannered,  I'll send just a card with nice words without any money enclosure nor gifts whatsoever.  I'm still nice while I save my wallet.

Like you,  I expect a "thank you" as opposed to being completely ignored.  If I'm ignored like that,  no more gravy train.  Money and gifts come to a screeching halt.  No more "Miss Generous" from me.  At best, I'll send a simple postal card (in my case),  send it off and be done with it.  I don't need a response from a congrats card.  I've done my part for the sake of practicing good diplomacy and I'm off the hook.  I'm good to go.  Life goes on. 

I agree,  if parents ignore the gift giver,  they're teaching their child a lifelong habit of ignoring whoever went above and beyond or out of their way to be kind and generous to them.  It's a good way to alienate others very quickly and people lose respect very quickly for those who don't practice common decency and common courtesy.  It's dishonorable and feels dishonorable.  There is a lack of integrity. 

Yes,  of course,  it's extremely considerate to be acknowledged for good deeds given.  It's common sense to express gratitude towards those who've been very kind,  generous in any capacity and whoever thought of you by doing something special just for you or your loved ones.  Yes indeed it's a shame to be ignored because the giver would feel happy and appreciated if acknowledged graciously by the recipient or the recipient's parent if the recipient is a baby, for example.

Yes,  it's crazy of you to feel guilty for not sending a gift to an ingrate or spoiled brat.  You'll only feel hurt and disappointed in people if you set yourself up.  Those hurts actually feel like disappointment after awhile because you thought that some people in your life were better than that yet they let you down.  Their ignoring you is a way of telling you that you don't matter much,  your feelings don't matter much and they don't care how you feel at all.  They treat you as if you're a robot with zero feelings and to ignore you?   You don't matter to them.  This is the message you'll never have trouble understanding.  Their dismissive attitude and blatant disregard for you tells you everything about their personality and character.  Not only is it very disrespectful towards you,  you lose all respect for them forever.  That's the stain they leave behind in your mind.  Yes,  you need to remember and constantly remind yourself to treat people the way they've treated you otherwise you hurt yourself unnecessarily.  Be fair and kind to yourself and treat yourself with respect because this is how you treat yourself as if YOU matter.  Enjoy our weekend, too @goddess.  🙂  You won't be offended nor insulted anymore as you grow strong and tough.  This is how you evolve and transform yourself.

I'm not from the school of giving until it hurts and not expecting to be thanked at the very least.   Anything less than expressions of humble and sincere gratitude and appreciation kills all desire and inclination for the giver to continue giving money,  gifts or in other cases,  offers of my time,  help,  labor,  expenses,  inconveniences and the like.   All of that is suddenly ceased.  What goes around,  comes around. 

 

[goddess]

On 4/22/2023 at 4:53 PM, Cherylyn said:

@goddess Good about not telling your brother why you did not send money or a gift.  It's unnecessary.  There is no reason to give a reason,  period.  I doubt your brother cares one way or another what his daughter does.  Don't stir the pot.  Don't create unnecessary drama.  Just quietly do what you choose to do. 

It was very gracious for your brother's son to send you a thank you note.  Any announcement (birth / graduation, etc) is always up to the discretion of the recipient of the announcement whether or not they choose to send a monetary gift,  gift or a congrats note in any form.  Regarding announcements,  for me,  it depends on my relationship with whoever did the announcing.  If I'm close to them,  if we're on good terms,  if they're courteous towards me and historically appreciative,  then I'm apt to send money,  gift and a congrats card.  If I'm not close to them and they're habitually ignorant,  rude, inconsiderate and ill mannered,  I'll send just a card with nice words without any money enclosure nor gifts whatsoever.  I'm still nice while I save my wallet.

Like you,  I expect a "thank you" as opposed to being completely ignored.  If I'm ignored like that,  no more gravy train.  Money and gifts come to a screeching halt.  No more "Miss Generous" from me.  At best, I'll send a simple postal card (in my case),  send it off and be done with it.  I don't need a response from a congrats card.  I've done my part for the sake of practicing good diplomacy and I'm off the hook.  I'm good to go.  Life goes on. 

I agree,  if parents ignore the gift giver,  they're teaching their child a lifelong habit of ignoring whoever went above and beyond or out of their way to be kind and generous to them.  It's a good way to alienate others very quickly and people lose respect very quickly for those who don't practice common decency and common courtesy.  It's dishonorable and feels dishonorable.  There is a lack of integrity. 

Yes,  of course,  it's extremely considerate to be acknowledged for good deeds given.  It's common sense to express gratitude towards those who've been very kind,  generous in any capacity and whoever thought of you by doing something special just for you or your loved ones.  Yes indeed it's a shame to be ignored because the giver would feel happy and appreciated if acknowledged graciously by the recipient or the recipient's parent if the recipient is a baby, for example.

Yes,  it's crazy of you to feel guilty for not sending a gift to an ingrate or spoiled brat.  You'll only feel hurt and disappointed in people if you set yourself up.  Those hurts actually feel like disappointment after awhile because you thought that some people in your life were better than that yet they let you down.  Their ignoring you is a way of telling you that you don't matter much,  your feelings don't matter much and they don't care how you feel at all.  They treat you as if you're a robot with zero feelings and to ignore you?   You don't matter to them.  This is the message you'll never have trouble understanding.  Their dismissive attitude and blatant disregard for you tells you everything about their personality and character.  Not only is it very disrespectful towards you,  you lose all respect for them forever.  That's the stain they leave behind in your mind.  Yes,  you need to remember and constantly remind yourself to treat people the way they've treated you otherwise you hurt yourself unnecessarily.  Be fair and kind to yourself and treat yourself with respect because this is how you treat yourself as if YOU matter.  Enjoy our weekend, too @goddess.  🙂  You won't be offended nor insulted anymore as you grow strong and tough.  This is how you evolve and transform yourself.

I'm not from the school of giving until it hurts and not expecting to be thanked at the very least.   Anything less than expressions of humble and sincere gratitude and appreciation kills all desire and inclination for the giver to continue giving money,  gifts or in other cases,  offers of my time,  help,  labor,  expenses,  inconveniences and the like.   All of that is suddenly ceased.  What goes around,  comes around. 

 

Beautifully said and nailed it, Cherylyn.  Thank you for wring such a amazing response.  I truly enjoyed reading it, and I fully agree with you.  Take good care of yourself.  xx