Complicated

[BobbyKen]

Hopefully I make sense. This is going to be complicated to explain. Laying out facts first.

I'm a 38yr male, I've been with the same girl since I was 13 (she 14) we had 3 children before I was 21 and we have lived together ((illegally) in UK because she was on benefits and I was working) from I was about 17/18.

I had a pretty bad porn addiction early on and still struggle with it now. We had alot of fights about it over the years and her trust in me is still very fragile.

We have planned to get married 3 or 4 times but I've never put the effort in really plus it would be a struggle to afford because her benefits would've stopped.

We only had sex about once every 2/3 months because I never really wanted to/always made excuses not to.

I have to add that my partner was abused by her father when she was a child (has had no contact with him from she moved out), we also had a miscarriage and she took that very badly, she had to have her womb removed before she was 30. She also has very bad depression because of all this (including how I've been treating her)

2 of our children have autism and one was bullied in school (which caused her to self harm) and had to leave without qualifications. One of them also has an eating disorder.

So you can see we've had alot going on in our lives (more has happened than this but these are the main things)

 

Ok, recently over the past 16 months or so our relationship has gone down hill alot. I have severe depression caused by a few things happening over a short period of time, my father passed away, I got covid and now have long covid, had to leave work due to long covid. Because of this I hardly paid her any attention and we never had sex. 

I have just moved out a few weeks and back in to my mums. Before that i was sleeping on the sofa. I have just gotten referred for counselling about my depression.

I really don't know what to do, I'm so confused about everything and struggling with my emotions. We both still love each other and want to be together, but I'm not myself. I feel like an empty husk with no emotion at the minute, except when I just break down and cry. My partner says she feels I left to easily and that I can just be on my own and get "fixed" but I left her on her own to deal with the house and the kids and that she is struggling too. 

I have tried to go down to the house and spend time with kids and with her, I have even stayed over 2 different nights but she said it still feels like before when I was ignoring her and not showing her an emotion.

What do I do? She has said that it's getting too hard for me to keep going down because it's too hard for her to see me leaving over and over again.

I still love her more than anything and it seems whatever I do I cause her pain. I am at a loss.

 

*edit I have also to add that I have some form of autism/adhd that I'm still waiting to get tested for, I am on the waiting list. I've always had trouble talking about feelings/emotions but it's worse now.

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry to hear about everything that's been going on for you over the years. Sounds very hard  😞 So you have broken up for the moment or taking a break? Does your partner actually want to work on the relationship? Or she doesn't and she asked you to leave? I think first of all you should probably talk to her and see what she's thinking about all this. Like, is this just a break or she actually lost feelings for you and wants to break up.

You can still keep working on yourself though and I think it's really important to get your depression under control. Like seeing a therapist and maybe even going on medication. I think if you do want the relationship to work you are really going to have to make the effort. If you never put any effort into sex then it's not really a relationship because a relationship needs intimacy. Both emotional and physical.

 

[BobbyKen]

Thank you for your reply, sorry yes she does still have feelings for me and wants to be together. I would say we're on a break. 

I have been on different types of medication  for depression but none have helped. I have just recently been approved for counselling/therapy but I'm waiting on them setting up appointments.

Regarding the sex, thats what she has said

24 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

If you never put any effort into sex then it's not really a relationship because a relationship needs intimacy.

it's hard to explain, I do want to have sex, I just don't have the motivation (for lack of a better word) to do it. I have struggled with stress and depression for a long time but now it's more severe. And my partner has a very high sex drive and could probably do it multiple times a day, every day! Were I would be content with just holding, cuddling and kissing her.

[Coily]

Well to start off with, take a deep breath. This is a lot for you and her and the kids to process. 
 

In a case like this, what is your gut thinking on all this?

Are you seeking a private or NHS counselor? Do you have options in this?

Do you two ever take a weekend or two for just you together?

A flippant thought is that you both are in a mid-life crisis; and being together essentially your entire lives brings special problems. Is there anything that you two can do to spice things up in the bedroom? 

Take things slow and communicate, I think you two need to find new ways to talk with each other. 

Best of luck, take things slow and start writing down what you like, dislike, and need in a relationship. Then compare that to what you currently have. Also what changes you would like. Then do it again, as I am guessing there is a rut you want free of.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, BobbyKen said:

 I've never put the effort in really plus it would be a struggle to afford because her benefits would've stopped.

 had to leave work due to long covid. 

Sorry this is happening. Taking care of your physical and mental health is important. Can you apply for benefits as well? Do whatever you can with welfare and social services, since you're unable to work.

Perhaps living with your mother is a temporary solution, but leaving her alone with 3 kids and all the responsibilities isn't going to be good for your relationship or your children.

[BobbyKen]

7 hours ago, Coily said:

Are you seeking a private or NHS counselor? Do you have options in this?

Do you two ever take a weekend or two for just you together?

Thanks for your comments Coily, I'm getting counselling through lifeline. I was (and still am) at a very low place and ended up phoning them.

It's is and always has been very hard for us to get time together by ourselves. Neither of us have our families to help out (lots of reasons why, but we don't speak to families, except my mum who is elderly and has her own medical problems) and we have never really had any "spare" money to go on dates etc.

Thank you for your suggestion about writing things down, I never thought about that.

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Taking care of your physical and mental health is important. Can you apply for benefits as well? Do whatever you can with welfare and social services, since you're unable to work.

Perhaps living with your mother is a temporary solution, but leaving her alone with 3 kids and all the responsibilities isn't going to be good for your relationship or your children.

Thank you Wiseman, yes sorry I am on benefits now, still waiting on PIP. 

Yes I wasn't planning on staying with my mum long term, I have always thought that I would move back in. The thing is that I haven't changed and when we're together we still argue and she says that I'm still not paying her any attention.

I think I should explain more, when she says that I'm not paying her attention or that I'm not showing her love. I literally don't realise that I'm not doing this until she tells me. I don't know if it to do with autism/adhd or something else but I seem to experience time differently. Something that happened a few days ago, I won't be sure if it happened a few days ago or a few weeks. And anything longer than a few weeks could seem like years ago or yesterday to me. It gets very confusing to me. 

Hopefully that makes sense.

[smackie9]

You can't do anything about this load of issues until you get your mental health in order. BUT what you can do is communicate to her your emotional situation, your plan to deal with it, and when your mental heath is taken care of you want to go forward with the repair of your relationship. Maybe even suggest some counselling together to help sort it all out.

[BobbyKen]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You can't do anything about this load of issues until you get your mental health in order. BUT what you can do is communicate to her your emotional situation, your plan to deal with it, and when your mental heath is taken care of you want to go forward with the repair of your relationship. Maybe even suggest some counselling together to help sort it all out.

Thank you, yes that sounds like a good plan