I worry I’m never going to be loved

[Frostypeach]

In 2021, I felt quite doomed with dating. Went on lots of dates and rarely felt interested or attracted. I think after bad experiences with men, I was very closed off and cautious. No guy I had every dated had ever put effort in and I always felt used. 
 

until I got a message from a man on tinder who seemed really sweet and just my type.. I was able to open up. The conversations were so fun and he was really putting the effort in to getting to know me, non stop texting for about 7 weeks before we finally met in person. I was a bit taken back by how often he was texting me all the time it was quite intense

 

and he was lovely and there was a lot of chemistry like we had always known each other. No one was ever as kind and affectionate as him. He told me he really fancied me and reassured me he was the nice man I needed. I felt so safe but so excited. He was always complimenting me and even said he hoped we move closer together soon. He liked all the same things I did, it was crazy! He showed me off to his friends, we laughed about the same things, he was soppy and lovely. My family and friends adored him
 

he never planned dates though, but he was very very broke. He had just immigrated here from the USA. So I planned most things, and payed for more things so we could do things together. Picnics, walks etc. i always had his favourite foods in when he came to stay. I had no doubts about our relationship and was enjoying getting to know him, I wasn’t needy but rather independent too

he never had a conversation about us becoming girlfiend and boyfriend, but he started introducing me as his girlfriend and his other half. So I assumed we didn’t need to have the conversation! It was all so nice and easy, but I did notice he still messaged his ex girlfriends quite a lot, as he claimed he stayed friends with them as he’s a nice guy. I mean he was so nice, who wouldn’t want to be friends with him?

 

as I liked him so much, I offered a lot of help to help him settle in to this country. Helping him to find a new job, a friend of a friend offered him his spare room for a small rental cost. I didn’t feel I was going out of my way too much either.

 

but months in, there still were no dates planned. When I asked (which I was very very anxious to bring up so I did it over text), I was told I was pressuring.
 

He even made comments I was manipulative. He started giving me a lot of evil looks and I felt quite neglected. Especially when I stayed at his and there was no effort to make me feel welcome, E.g no meal cooked or offer of a drink. He would never appreciate my efforts for things I planned for us, one time he even shook his head at me asiwas being ‘indecisive.’ I had no help from him though 
 

i got depressed and started struggling in my work and even talking to people I found hard. I was in tears next to him and he didn’t seem to care. 
 

i used to resent him when he made plans for the weekend with his mates without making effort to see me in the weeks. I started to resent him and secretly wished his plans with his mates would fail, which made me feel like a bad person. I just wanted to know when the next time was that I would see him. I communicated that I needed him to plan in advance not last minute
 

he started saying as well that he never wants kids anymore as he finds them annoying. He knew that was my life goal in the distant future.

he went from being super into me to me feeling like I was a burden. Was so confused. He dumped me and said he never fell in love and was with me as he was lonely.

a year on, I’m still looking for a partner. I try all the dating apps. Unfortunately I can’t meet people in real life at clubs etc at the moment as I’m on the waiting list for the things I enjoy. But no one on dating apps is showing interest and when I do go on dates, it’s the same thing, low effort.

 

im starting to worry it will never happen for me? I’m seeing all my friends get married and settle down, and I’m still waiting for a man to take me on a date or even tell me they love me. It’s never happened and I’m scared something wrong with me. I’m 28 now, how can this be

[Claire Oberon]

Sorry to hear that you feel you will never find love or someone to love. You are far from alone as many feel the same as you. But to look at it positively, there are almost endless possibilities for you to find someone to share your life with. Pubs and dating apps can be fun options but at the same time usually only lead to more short-term romances.

My general suggestion is usually to get a hobby where you meet other people. You might like to paint, sing in a choir, exercise or play board games. Getting to know new people in social contexts where you feel safe and comfortable can usually be a good gateway to meeting someone for a long-term relationship. This tactic is usually effective as you will probably have at least one common interest already when you meet for the first time.

Hope this can help you.

[Kwothe28]

Have you taken any of the advices from previous threads into considerations? Have you started to work on yourself? Maybe enrolled into therapy so you could process the damage your narcissistic ex have done and get rid of that before you start dating again? Because you are still writing paragraphs about him.

You cant expect things to just fall into your lap while you just exist. You need to do the work.

[Frostypeach]

@Kwothe28 ive done a lot of self work. Some days I have bad days but I’ve learnt a lot from the relationship. It’s my bad luck which sometimes makes me have a bad day like this. I don’t think he was narcissistic, as that’s quite unlikely but rather someone who is selfish? 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

@Kwothe28 ive done a lot of self work. Some days I have bad days but I’ve learnt a lot from the relationship. It’s my bad luck which sometimes makes me have a bad day like this. I don’t think he was narcissistic, as that’s quite unlikely but rather someone who is selfish? 

What kind of self work did you do today? I am a work in progress so I also do such work, if not daily almost.  Meeting the right person does at times require a bit of luck and timing for sure.  Mostly it's up to you and there are no guarantees unfortunately!But I believe that putting yourself out there at least means that you are doing your best.  If there are waiting lists for particular activities perhaps expand your horizons a bit?

[Frostypeach]

@Batya33 positive affirmations, self help books etc. 

i read something today though that said you never get over your first love. I put so much trust and love in to him, some days I’m still in disbelief that we don’t speak anymore and I will never sit and have a coffee with him. I always get flooded with happy memories of the things we did today and remind myself it was all fake from him.

life is very lonely. I spend most of my life job searching for years on end with no luck. I work from home so there is never opportunities to meet people but one day I hope that can change and I can work in a city and meet people 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

i read something today though that said you never get over your first love

I'm not sure where you read that, but I hope it wasn't a meme or something!  I most certainly "got over" my first love.

You did choose to ignore glaring red flags, which is why people suggest some professional help to try to uncover why you felt you needed to "buy" this guy's love.  I know, you'll say you loved him and wanted to do those things for him but that's not how an equitable relationship works.  Love is reciprocal, not just one person giving and the other person taking.

Please consider some professional help so you can determine why you took the actions you chose to take.

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not sure where you read that, but I hope it wasn't a meme or something!  I most certainly "got over" my first love.

You did choose to ignore glaring red flags, which is why people suggest some professional help to try to uncover why you felt you needed to "buy" this guy's love.  I know, you'll say you loved him and wanted to do those things for him but that's not how an equitable relationship works.  Love is reciprocal, not just one person giving and the other person taking.

Please consider some professional help so you can determine why you took the actions you chose to take.

I think I know why I did what I did. I always like helping people and forming friendships that way. In a people pleasing sense my therapist said I was a people pleaser. I’ve stopped doing that now but I feel like I’m the opposite and people and colleagues say I come across as cold and distant. By helping my ex and putting the effort in to plan fun dates, it felt like I could show I was friendly. I liked planning things too as I was lonely and wanted to get out and have a good summer 

 

when he said he dated me out of loneliness, I do hope I didn’t ruin it all with my nice gestures 

[Batya33]

Positive affirmations I find are good before bed - I do a count my blessings kind of thing.  Especially on frustrating days! I meant what actions did you do today -no affirmations or reading a book (unless you did an activity or action suggested in the book on your own).  I don't mean passive stuff or car wash stuff to make you feel better.  You said you do work on your self.  I mean roll up your sleeves kind of work.  Or a choice to react a different way to a feeling, a choice to interact with someone differently than you feel like it because the way you feel like it will result in you not being a kind version of yourself.

I searched for my husband for around 25 years.  I had bad luck, good luck, no luck.

Yes-there are oodles of cliches and generalizations about "love" and guess what -you don't have to get over him completely to be a good partner in a healthful relationship . You can have memories, you can think about him, and if you find those thoughts or feelings overtaking you you -from all the work you do on yourself -obviously will have a tool box of things you do to redirect, refocus, get those thoughts and feelings back to the periphery instead of front and center -periphery not "gone".  It's nonsensical to tell yourself not to think about something.

I've got fond memories of exes. I also have bad memories - including what I wish I'd done differently.  And it doesn't affect my commitment and love in my marriage.  At all.  

I'd stop with the "hope" "one day can change" - that's not working on yourself -that's a copout.  You can choose today to do something towards that change that isn't passive hope.  You can do volunteer work in person - I have, I do.  I mostly work from home especially since March 2020 -99.8% instead of 75%.  

It's a choice -you can dwell on the past and all the cliches about "LOVE" and "love will find you" and ho hum maybe someday things will change. Ho hum won't get you opportunities, ho hum and hope won't get you closer to the goals you claim to have.  

Also it's boring.  When you interact with someone you want to be a person who is a good listener -who has good follow up questions including on topics you know nothing about.  Contemplating your navel is inconsistent with showing healthy curiosity in what others are interested in, in what makes them tick.  It's a bad habit because socializing in a positive way takes reciprocity, knowledge of what's going on in the world, bits of knowledge and curiosity about stuff like art, music, theater, physical fitness, sports, house renovations, travel, etc.  Are you well read other than self help books? Books are a great topic to discuss.  

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and down. Most of making a change is in your control and requires your actions -including lots of physical actions of showing up.

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I think I know why I did what I did. I always like helping people and forming friendships that way. In a people pleasing sense my therapist said I was a people pleaser. I’ve stopped doing that now but I feel like I’m the opposite and people and colleagues say I come across as cold and distant. By helping my ex and putting the effort in to plan fun dates, it felt like I could show I was friendly. I liked planning things too as I was lonely and wanted to get out and have a good summer 

 

when he said he dated me out of loneliness, I do hope I didn’t ruin it all with my nice gestures 

It's not nice to do nice things primarily motivated by neediness and insecurity.  It smells bad too.  We all have some of it -most people aren't always confident and altruistic -but it sounds like your reasons for doing "nice things" are mostly about you -you want people to approve of you, right? When you become a person who is reasonably confident you'll be even luckier because you already are good at doing nice things but then you'll do so with reasonable boundaries and a healthier mindset.

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Positive affirmations I find are good before bed - I do a count my blessings kind of thing.  Especially on frustrating days! I meant what actions did you do today -no affirmations or reading a book (unless you did an activity or action suggested in the book on your own).  I don't mean passive stuff or car wash stuff to make you feel better.  You said you do work on your self.  I mean roll up your sleeves kind of work.  Or a choice to react a different way to a feeling, a choice to interact with someone differently than you feel like it because the way you feel like it will result in you not being a kind version of yourself.

I searched for my husband for around 25 years.  I had bad luck, good luck, no luck.

Yes-there are oodles of cliches and generalizations about "love" and guess what -you don't have to get over him completely to be a good partner in a healthful relationship . You can have memories, you can think about him, and if you find those thoughts or feelings overtaking you you -from all the work you do on yourself -obviously will have a tool box of things you do to redirect, refocus, get those thoughts and feelings back to the periphery instead of front and center -periphery not "gone".  It's nonsensical to tell yourself not to think about something.

I've got fond memories of exes. I also have bad memories - including what I wish I'd done differently.  And it doesn't affect my commitment and love in my marriage.  At all.  

I'd stop with the "hope" "one day can change" - that's not working on yourself -that's a copout.  You can choose today to do something towards that change that isn't passive hope.  You can do volunteer work in person - I have, I do.  I mostly work from home especially since March 2020 -99.8% instead of 75%.  

It's a choice -you can dwell on the past and all the cliches about "LOVE" and "love will find you" and ho hum maybe someday things will change. Ho hum won't get you opportunities, ho hum and hope won't get you closer to the goals you claim to have.  

Also it's boring.  When you interact with someone you want to be a person who is a good listener -who has good follow up questions including on topics you know nothing about.  Contemplating your navel is inconsistent with showing healthy curiosity in what others are interested in, in what makes them tick.  It's a bad habit because socializing in a positive way takes reciprocity, knowledge of what's going on in the world, bits of knowledge and curiosity about stuff like art, music, theater, physical fitness, sports, house renovations, travel, etc.  Are you well read other than self help books? Books are a great topic to discuss.  

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and down. Most of making a change is in your control and requires your actions -including lots of physical actions of showing up.

I spend a lot of time looking at things I can make like crafts and different hobbies I can do once I have more money. 
 

also I feel like a bad person as I’ve been all negative and venting to my friends. My friend told me I need to stop now and I talk about myself too much. I feel terrible about this but at least I’m aware now, it doesn’t mean I’m terrible person does it? Even my ex told me after our first date that he felt when I was telling a story, I would ignore his follow up questions and keep talking . I was nervous though but I’m quite worried I’m single due to my being bad 

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not nice to do nice things primarily motivated by neediness and insecurity.  It smells bad too.  We all have some of it -most people aren't always confident and altruistic -but it sounds like your reasons for doing "nice things" are mostly about you -you want people to approve of you, right? When you become a person who is reasonably confident you'll be even luckier because you already are good at doing nice things but then you'll do so with reasonable boundaries and a healthier mindset.

I don’t know, I genuinely felt I wanted to help him and see him happy. I thought that meant I loved him. When he wasn’t reciprocating, it started to feel like a chore though. Like I was baking cakes for his birthday and it suddenly hit me, ugh what’s the point.

i hope I’m not a terrible selfish person. Him never falling in love with me despite initially being so obsessed does mean I blame myself a lot 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I spend a lot of time looking at things I can make like crafts and different hobbies I can do once I have more money. 
 

also I feel like a bad person as I’ve been all negative and venting to my friends. My friend told me I need to stop now and I talk about myself too much. I feel terrible about this but at least I’m aware now, it doesn’t mean I’m terrible person does it? Even my ex told me after our first date that he felt when I was telling a story, I would ignore his follow up questions and keep talking . I was nervous though but I’m quite worried I’m single due to my being bad 

I mean you are getting in your own way with all the negative self-talk.

I'd stop "looking at things to make once I have more money".  Sounds like that time is not going to happen for years maybe, yes? Making things like pottery can be really awesome -or painting or really any kind of artistic expression you focus on and practice and fine tune.  But that also sounds like you're spending inordinate time looking into a pie in the sky thing.  Rather than -today -getting out there and interacting with people in an other-centered way.  It's not fair to use people to vent to the extent you are - friendship is reciprocal and honestly I'm not a fan of reciprocating by venting/giving support as a steady diet -sometimes sure but most of the time I think friends should enjoy exchanging ideas and feelings and laughing, give each other recommendations of books to read, places to go, etc.  JMHO.

You're not single because you're bad.  You were single also when you were dating that guy -he wasn't your husband or fiancee or even long term partner.  Nothing bad about being single and it can be quite good.  Marriage is quite good too.  Casual dating can be quite good too.  A person who makes bad choices and acts selfishly and thoughtlessly most of the time is also making a choice to drive people away.  Some people benefit from that - they actually don't want to admit they would rather be alone so they drive people away.

Just some things to consider. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I don’t know, I genuinely felt I wanted to help him and see him happy. I thought that meant I loved him. When he wasn’t reciprocating, it started to feel like a chore though. Like I was baking cakes for his birthday and it suddenly hit me, ugh what’s the point.

i hope I’m not a terrible selfish person. Him never falling in love with me despite initially being so obsessed does mean I blame myself a lot 

Why do you think a person who is obsessed would have healthy loving feelings or fall in love? Would you want a person obsessed with you to be your partner? Why? 

Wanting to help someone is great in an interaction involving volunteer work.  For example. Not in a romantic relationship.  In a committed relationship there are times the partners help each other.  I did when my husband lost his parents.  He did when I was a new mom and had a stroke.  We help each other with annoying work issues. But we are not people who are together because one of us "needs" to be "helped" by the other -I can't imagine that being healthy.  Can you?

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I mean you are getting in your own way with all the negative self-talk.

I'd stop "looking at things to make once I have more money".  Sounds like that time is not going to happen for years maybe, yes? Making things like pottery can be really awesome -or painting or really any kind of artistic expression you focus on and practice and fine tune.  But that also sounds like you're spending inordinate time looking into a pie in the sky thing.  Rather than -today -getting out there and interacting with people in an other-centered way.  It's not fair to use people to vent to the extent you are - friendship is reciprocal and honestly I'm not a fan of reciprocating by venting/giving support as a steady diet -sometimes sure but most of the time I think friends should enjoy exchanging ideas and feelings and laughing, give each other recommendations of books to read, places to go, etc.  JMHO.

You're not single because you're bad.  You were single also when you were dating that guy -he wasn't your husband or fiancee or even long term partner.  Nothing bad about being single and it can be quite good.  Marriage is quite good too.  Casual dating can be quite good too.  A person who makes bad choices and acts selfishly and thoughtlessly most of the time is also making a choice to drive people away.  Some people benefit from that - they actually don't want to admit they would rather be alone so they drive people away.

Just some things to consider. 

I wouldn’t say I’m a selfish person? I think of others and their feelings a lot and if anyone sets a boundary with me, I will respect that boundary. I don’t do anything maliciously and if I do something wrong, it is not intentional. I hope all this doesn’t mean I’m selfish. 
 

i treated my ex with respect and kindness and thought of his feelings always. I found it hard to communicate my needs as he was homesick and I felt that would be asking too mucb from him. I want to call him my ex too as he was my first boyfriend and he meant a lot to me. It was a special connection and was amazing in the early days 

[Batya33]

Just now, Frostypeach said:

I wouldn’t say I’m a selfish person? I think of others and their feelings a lot and if anyone sets a boundary with me, I will respect that boundary. I don’t do anything maliciously and if I do something wrong, it is not intentional. I hope all this doesn’t mean I’m selfish. 
 

i treated my ex with respect and kindness and thought of his feelings always. I found it hard to communicate my needs as he was homesick and I felt that would be asking too mucb from him. I want to call him my ex too as he was my first boyfriend and he meant a lot to me. It was a special connection and was amazing in the early days 

Yes early days are often really fun and exciting and even amazing! Early days like that mean very little as to whether it will last into a long term healthy committed loving relationship.  It might.  It might not.  You have to get to know someone over a rather substantial period of time to see how actions match words.  You thought of his feelings to the exclusion of your own.  You liked the power dynamic -he needed you/your help.  You thought.  You got to play the martyr "oh I can't possibly tell him my needs because he's the one who needs my help so I'll restrain myself in the name of LOVE."  That's really a load of you know what and as I wrote above it's transparent to the other person.  In an uncomfortable way. But it's much easier on you -you get to be "strong" and "help" and feel "in love" --but without having to be vulnerable.

[Frostypeach]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes early days are often really fun and exciting and even amazing! Early days like that mean very little as to whether it will last into a long term healthy committed loving relationship.  It might.  It might not.  You have to get to know someone over a rather substantial period of time to see how actions match words.  You thought of his feelings to the exclusion of your own.  You liked the power dynamic -he needed you/your help.  You thought.  You got to play the martyr "oh I can't possibly tell him my needs because he's the one who needs my help so I'll restrain myself in the name of LOVE."  That's really a load of you know what and as I wrote above it's transparent to the other person.  In an uncomfortable way. But it's much easier on you -you get to be "strong" and "help" and feel "in love" --but without having to be vulnerable.

Not saying I didn’t tell him my needs, I did. But I backed off when he said I was pressuring him when I approached the topic of a holiday in the summer. I kept asking him to plan a date or plan seeing me in advance (not just the night before), and he seemed frustrated. Oh and I always opened up about my own issues, so I was vulnerable with him. He told me I was too open with him 

all this makes me worry that I’m not capable of relationships. All of them are short lived. And as my message above, does it really mean I’m selfish? I never do things to hurt others purposefully and I respect boundaries.

and my exes comment on me ignoring his questions shocked me. He told me this 3 months into the relationship and it made me nervous talking to him because I became super aware when I was speaking. I was the one always asking him questions to get to know him so the comment about our first date upset me 

 

just hope I’m not narcissistic myself 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

Not saying I didn’t tell him my needs, I did. But I backed off when he said I was pressuring him when I approached the topic of a holiday in the summer. I kept asking him to plan a date or plan seeing me in advance (not just the night before), and he seemed frustrated. Oh and I always opened up about my own issues, so I was vulnerable with him. He told me I was too open with him 

all this makes me worry that I’m not capable of relationships. All of them are short lived. And as my message above, does it really mean I’m selfish? I never do things to hurt others purposefully and I respect boundaries.

and my exes comment on me ignoring his questions shocked me. He told me this 3 months into the relationship and it made me nervous talking to him because I became super aware when I was speaking. I was the one always asking him questions to get to know him so the comment about our first date upset me 

 

just hope I’m not narcissistic myself 

I think you’re getting in your own way and telling yourself lies about love and relationships and attempting to diagnose yourself for some reason. And making wild assumptions based on attaching yourself to someone who wasn’t really too stable it seems. And who wouldn’t even take you out on a proper date yet you stuck around. That’s on you. I’d stop the histrionics in the vein of “what if the sky falls in” and keep it real, concrete and basic.  Perhaps with the assistance of a professional counselor.  Good luck.